18 answers

Looking For... Advice, "Room to Vent", Support.. W/ Complicated Family Situation

I met my, now fiance & son's father, just a little less than 2 years ago... I am 26 and he is 31 - so a slight age difference, but not a huge deal - and he has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We started dating, "fell in love" etc. etc. etc. within days we were insperable and there wasn't really any doubt in my mind that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with! We got pregnant only after dating for about 5 months. My parents LOVED him - until they herad that we got pregnant (w/o being married, I come from a very traditional & Catholic family)... since then they have had some major problems with him. To make matters worse, shortly before our son was born, after I had already left my job and started on maternity leave, my fiance lost his job... as a result of this, we have had to move in with my parents - only adding to the stress and strain on my relationship with them as well as his. He has had a hard time finding work (who hasn't?? even my own dad is out work and realizes how slim the job market it) and is judged for it constantly. My parents adore our son... they are fabulous with him, I have started back to work and he even watches him once a week... I don't know that there is a real question in here... just kind of needed to "get it out"... Our son will be turning 1 year old in a few months... and while there are so many good memories of this past year it is hard to get past off this friction and unhappiness that is surrounding my whole family on a daily basis... I have never seen my family act like this, so snide and rude and condescending and it hurts my feelings that they could be this way to the person I have chosen to spend my life with... on the other hand, I hate so much that I have disappointed them and have brought this extra strain to their life as well...

I really do not know what to do or who to turn to anymore... the people who I normally would be able to talk to are all of the ones involved at the center of it...

Thanks for listening

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice.. I don't really know how to explain how nice it was to even WRITE any of that down... Not much has changed (yet) ... we are in the process of looking for a snall place to call our own in hopes that it will help to calm things down on the homefront. I hope to keep hearing from you all & will certainly update if (when) things change! HOPEFULLY for the better!!

More Answers

To quote Austin Powers "..things got weird, didn't they...?"
Family dynamics get very weird when we live with our parents--no matter the age that you do. You're 5 again. Instantly. AND, since you're not really 5, you are seeing your parents as people, because you see how they treat someone that you love very much.
All I can tell you is to make the best of it. Can you get married? I know, I know...but it will put things "right" in the minds of your mom & dad. If you can't afford your own place, get the notion of "saving for a wedding" out of your head. Just do it. Simple & small. Right away.
Your fiance needs to get work--ANY work in order to take advantage of this time when you CAN save money for your own place. Deliver pizza, wash cars, work at Wendy's--WHATEVER! This is valuable, rent-free living and NOW is when you need to save!
Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful

It sounds like your parents are nursing a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings. Like you, they had dreams about their daughter's future and what it would be like. I'm sure they were hoping for a fairy tale for you. Add on top of that, that your fiance is now dependent upon them, and it's not hard to see how they would see negatives and sadness/frustration with your situation and have doubts about your future with this man.

It doesn't mean they are right. It just means that that is what they are probably feeling.

Is there anywhere else you guys could go to live so that it isn't in their face daily, that your fiance isn't providing for you and your child? If not, then you'll just have to tough it out. Have your guy get a job doing something.. ANYthing... to show that he is responsible and ready to do "what needs to be done" to provide for his family. Even part time work. Delivering pizzas if need be.

And both of you should be aware that some thanks for their hospitality and graciousness thus far are in order. Once you are married, and your family is on its own two feet, I'm sure your parents will come around. They love you and want what is best for you dear. They are just questioning if this man IS that b/c of the circumstances that you find yourselves in. I think they are pretty normal emotions for your family to be experiencing.

When is the wedding?

Blessings to you all.

2 moms found this helpful

Try being direct with your parents and let them know that their attitude towards your fiancee is breaking you down and affecting how you feel towards them. He's not going anywhere so why live in misery. I can't imagine how he feels-living in their house and all. They don't like your choices, obviously, but the negativity is forming a toxic space and your kids are also feeling it, I'm sure. I hope that your fiancee can get employment and you two can move out.

2 moms found this helpful

Focus on your husband and child. Work hard to get your feet on the ground and get out on your own. Be very thankful to your parents for their help and try to over look their judgement. Things will look up soon. Hang in there!

2 moms found this helpful

I think it would be great if you and your fiance could get some counseling. Perhaps you could get it through benefits at your work.

I realize that you know this is mostly your parents fault. But by allowing them to treat him this way, you are in effect siding with them against your fiance. It's wrong that they are treating him this way, and of course, it would be wrong if they were treating you badly too. But they seem to have forgotten that it takes two to tango, and you were half responsible for getting pregnant.

Tell your family enough already with the way they are treating him. Your son will start figuring out that his grandparents are mean to his daddy - children figure this out quickly. How would you feel if he started siding with his grandparents and being mean to his daddy too? Your fiance may decide that marrying you would be the next worst mistake he made with you, and if your parents want you to be a single mom, they sure are helping you get there.

Forget about bringing an extra "stain to their life". You are 26 years old now - not a teen mother. You are a grown up and are not responsible for their embarrassment, whether they are strict Catholics or not. Put your foot down and stop it. Otherwise, you'll be saying goodbye to this man you thought you wanted to live with the rest of your life. You aren't supposed to put your parents first - your husband is supposed to be first. Let your fiance know he will come first in your life by putting a stop to this, now, before you lose him.

As fast as you can now that you have a job, move out from their home, even if you have to sit on egg crates instead of furniture.

Good luck,
D.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry, this is probably the hardest on mostly you! I wonder what bothers them about your fiancee? Is it his personality? or that you arent married? Why are you engaged but not married? I hate it when people blame not getting married on not being ready for an expensive wedding it just shows that two people arent ready to make a commitment to each other. or are they bothered or that he isn't working at all? I get annoyed when my adult son says he cant find a job, there are jobs out there just not the job he wants, people who cant read, don't have a car and cant speak English find jobs but he cant? What did you mean when you said "he watches my son once a week" his father or grandfather? who watches him the other four days? Does your husband help out around the house? Find out what bothers them the most and work on it! it is their house and they have a right to expect him to contribute, a lot.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you should tell them exactly what you just said...
"I have never seen my family act like this, so snide and rude and condescending and it hurts my feelings that they could be this way to the person I have chosen to spend my life with... on the other hand, I hate so much that I have disappointed them and have brought this extra strain to their life as well... "

Have a sit down family meeting. Tell them that you're very sorry but it's time to stop punishing you because it's not helping, just hurting your feelings. Do it without fiance around. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

your parents allowed your family to live with them now...just focus on finding your own feet and finding your own place to live. like you said your dad also lost his job, so theres a greater strain in your parents...

1 mom found this helpful

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