Looking For... Advice, "Room to Vent", Support.. W/ Complicated Family Situation

Updated on January 19, 2011
K.B. asks from Cincinnati, OH
18 answers

I met my, now fiance & son's father, just a little less than 2 years ago... I am 26 and he is 31 - so a slight age difference, but not a huge deal - and he has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We started dating, "fell in love" etc. etc. etc. within days we were insperable and there wasn't really any doubt in my mind that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with! We got pregnant only after dating for about 5 months. My parents LOVED him - until they herad that we got pregnant (w/o being married, I come from a very traditional & Catholic family)... since then they have had some major problems with him. To make matters worse, shortly before our son was born, after I had already left my job and started on maternity leave, my fiance lost his job... as a result of this, we have had to move in with my parents - only adding to the stress and strain on my relationship with them as well as his. He has had a hard time finding work (who hasn't?? even my own dad is out work and realizes how slim the job market it) and is judged for it constantly. My parents adore our son... they are fabulous with him, I have started back to work and he even watches him once a week... I don't know that there is a real question in here... just kind of needed to "get it out"... Our son will be turning 1 year old in a few months... and while there are so many good memories of this past year it is hard to get past off this friction and unhappiness that is surrounding my whole family on a daily basis... I have never seen my family act like this, so snide and rude and condescending and it hurts my feelings that they could be this way to the person I have chosen to spend my life with... on the other hand, I hate so much that I have disappointed them and have brought this extra strain to their life as well...

I really do not know what to do or who to turn to anymore... the people who I normally would be able to talk to are all of the ones involved at the center of it...

Thanks for listening

1 mom found this helpful

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice.. I don't really know how to explain how nice it was to even WRITE any of that down... Not much has changed (yet) ... we are in the process of looking for a snall place to call our own in hopes that it will help to calm things down on the homefront. I hope to keep hearing from you all & will certainly update if (when) things change! HOPEFULLY for the better!!

More Answers



answers from Pittsburgh on

To quote Austin Powers "..things got weird, didn't they...?"
Family dynamics get very weird when we live with our parents--no matter the age that you do. You're 5 again. Instantly. AND, since you're not really 5, you are seeing your parents as people, because you see how they treat someone that you love very much.
All I can tell you is to make the best of it. Can you get married? I know, I know...but it will put things "right" in the minds of your mom & dad. If you can't afford your own place, get the notion of "saving for a wedding" out of your head. Just do it. Simple & small. Right away.
Your fiance needs to get work--ANY work in order to take advantage of this time when you CAN save money for your own place. Deliver pizza, wash cars, work at Wendy's--WHATEVER! This is valuable, rent-free living and NOW is when you need to save!
Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Try being direct with your parents and let them know that their attitude towards your fiancee is breaking you down and affecting how you feel towards them. He's not going anywhere so why live in misery. I can't imagine how he feels-living in their house and all. They don't like your choices, obviously, but the negativity is forming a toxic space and your kids are also feeling it, I'm sure. I hope that your fiancee can get employment and you two can move out.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

It sounds like your parents are nursing a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings. Like you, they had dreams about their daughter's future and what it would be like. I'm sure they were hoping for a fairy tale for you. Add on top of that, that your fiance is now dependent upon them, and it's not hard to see how they would see negatives and sadness/frustration with your situation and have doubts about your future with this man.

It doesn't mean they are right. It just means that that is what they are probably feeling.

Is there anywhere else you guys could go to live so that it isn't in their face daily, that your fiance isn't providing for you and your child? If not, then you'll just have to tough it out. Have your guy get a job doing something.. ANYthing... to show that he is responsible and ready to do "what needs to be done" to provide for his family. Even part time work. Delivering pizzas if need be.

And both of you should be aware that some thanks for their hospitality and graciousness thus far are in order. Once you are married, and your family is on its own two feet, I'm sure your parents will come around. They love you and want what is best for you dear. They are just questioning if this man IS that b/c of the circumstances that you find yourselves in. I think they are pretty normal emotions for your family to be experiencing.

When is the wedding?

Blessings to you all.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Focus on your husband and child. Work hard to get your feet on the ground and get out on your own. Be very thankful to your parents for their help and try to over look their judgement. Things will look up soon. Hang in there!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I'm sorry, this is probably the hardest on mostly you! I wonder what bothers them about your fiancee? Is it his personality? or that you arent married? Why are you engaged but not married? I hate it when people blame not getting married on not being ready for an expensive wedding it just shows that two people arent ready to make a commitment to each other. or are they bothered or that he isn't working at all? I get annoyed when my adult son says he cant find a job, there are jobs out there just not the job he wants, people who cant read, don't have a car and cant speak English find jobs but he cant? What did you mean when you said "he watches my son once a week" his father or grandfather? who watches him the other four days? Does your husband help out around the house? Find out what bothers them the most and work on it! it is their house and they have a right to expect him to contribute, a lot.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

I think it would be great if you and your fiance could get some counseling. Perhaps you could get it through benefits at your work.

I realize that you know this is mostly your parents fault. But by allowing them to treat him this way, you are in effect siding with them against your fiance. It's wrong that they are treating him this way, and of course, it would be wrong if they were treating you badly too. But they seem to have forgotten that it takes two to tango, and you were half responsible for getting pregnant.

Tell your family enough already with the way they are treating him. Your son will start figuring out that his grandparents are mean to his daddy - children figure this out quickly. How would you feel if he started siding with his grandparents and being mean to his daddy too? Your fiance may decide that marrying you would be the next worst mistake he made with you, and if your parents want you to be a single mom, they sure are helping you get there.

Forget about bringing an extra "stain to their life". You are 26 years old now - not a teen mother. You are a grown up and are not responsible for their embarrassment, whether they are strict Catholics or not. Put your foot down and stop it. Otherwise, you'll be saying goodbye to this man you thought you wanted to live with the rest of your life. You aren't supposed to put your parents first - your husband is supposed to be first. Let your fiance know he will come first in your life by putting a stop to this, now, before you lose him.

As fast as you can now that you have a job, move out from their home, even if you have to sit on egg crates instead of furniture.

Good luck,

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Portland on

your parents allowed your family to live with them now...just focus on finding your own feet and finding your own place to live. like you said your dad also lost his job, so theres a greater strain in your parents...

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Lafayette on

I understand that you're in a tough situation. I think it'll be very difficult to make any headway on these issues until you, your baby, and your fiance move out. This is your first step! You are an adult now and have made these decisions. You need to step up and make this situation right...and THEN you can mend the hurt feelings & overall relationship with your parents. I can tell that you love & respect your parents...you will be able to work this out. Hang in there! Pray & ask God to help you out. This is your first big "adult" issue that you get to deal with -- it's just a lot all wrapped into one. The Lord is always there for you, though. Lean on Him for direction!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I think you should tell them exactly what you just said...
"I have never seen my family act like this, so snide and rude and condescending and it hurts my feelings that they could be this way to the person I have chosen to spend my life with... on the other hand, I hate so much that I have disappointed them and have brought this extra strain to their life as well... "

Have a sit down family meeting. Tell them that you're very sorry but it's time to stop punishing you because it's not helping, just hurting your feelings. Do it without fiance around. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Little Rock on

Im sure your parents had higher hopes for you and didn't want to see you struggle or their grandchildren do without. But all that said, you have made the decision to be with this man, to have children by him, and finally to be with him for better or worse. Marriage is not always 50/50 as you know, but you must do your best to be united in the face of your family. You need to have a serious heartfelt talk with your parents if they are treating your spouse and the father of your child disrespectfully. You need to let them know that it will no longer be tolerated or allowed. If you have to temporarily sever ties with them so that they get the point, they will come around if they love you. Just try to imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Chances are you would want your husband to have that talk. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Harrisburg on

I think because everyone is in the same house, not working, previous ill feeling with regards to the past, it is just a bit strained right now. I believe once you get back on your feet, you can have the distance you need for you and your family to grow and get along

For now, go with the flow, and encourage your husband to make your stay welcome by doing things around the house that your dad would do so as to make his presence there not bring up the memories

Every time they see him there, they are feeling like he got you in this mess, so don't push it how they feel and don't be too hard on yourself. Make a plan to get independent as soon as you can.



answers from Cleveland on

I would recommend moving out of your parents place. They likely don't see your boyfirend? As a man living under your dads roof. So whatever steps you both need to take to afford that, I'd do it. Second, are you married? Go downtown and sign the papers, its best for your son. That's just my suggestion from reading your posts. I reaize your bf has no job, but reaklisitcaly he could have a job somewhere, just probably not in his field, or he could be a stay at home dad...also a job.



answers from Terre Haute on

Your parents are afraid he is using you. Be supportive of him and encourage him. Once he has a job and is stable it will be much better.
I agree jobs are hard to find but in their minds he should be flipping hamburgers at McDonalds at minimum until he finds the good job.
They want someone who they can trust to give their daughter and grandson all they desire and fulfill their basic needs.
Pray for them........as I will pray for all of you. Prayer is about all you have right now :) It will get better it is still raw to them



answers from Cleveland on

First of all it DOES get BETTER. I too was in your situation. It is very hard to love all these people and yet have someone else hate them My mom lives with my husband and I, at first we lived with her and my dad, (my dad passed away 10 years ago) my husband and I bought the house from my mom. My mom has her days with my hubby, she either hates him or loves him. All in all we are lucky we all have each other. I really hope your parents accept who you are going to marry and it is hard living with someone else and in someone elses home. Things will get better. If you need to vent ( I have been feeling that way needing to vent) please write to me I will listen. ____@____.com



answers from New York on

The deed is done. Period. You did get preggers before marriage. Why do they continue to punish you all? Have you and fiance set a date? Sometimes an actual date to look forward to helps people. Also like a few have said the no job for dad and fiance is hard. Very stressful. I am sure they are thinking how will your finace support you and your son. I Had to live with my mother for a year with my hubs and then 1 year old son. Hubs was in and out of work and my mother tortured him, it nearly caused a probs with me and the hubs. I worked hard saved every penny, mind you she charged rent, utilities and food and got the heck out. If it is becoming unbearable it's time for a sit down.



answers from Portland on

I'm so sorry for the negativity you are experiencing at a time in your life when petty things shouldn't be forced upon you! The bigger picture is you are happy and have your own immediate family now to focus on. Your parents will come around:) Maybe print out this post and start a conversation with them? If they have typically been approachable in the past and are 'acting' out of the ordinary, reading what you shared on this forum might help them see your bigger picture too?

Best wishes:)



answers from Indianapolis on

First and foremost, figure out the root source of the problem. Is is financial? Is it relational? Address it from there. If it IS financial, then get CREATIVE!! That's the way business start! I've just started something new at 54 and I've NEVER felt more free!



answers from Cincinnati on

On the outside looking in, seems like your mom and dad have their own problems too (dad not working etc) and their anger is possibly being missplaced and they dont want you to have their life and it seems that you going down that path.
If you feel really strong that he is the one, the jump in. Who cares what everyone else thinks. at the end of the day its YOUR life, your choice. If your parents are against it, then that is THEIR choice to not be apart of your life.
my parents are 'old school'. I seem to see more and more that they have not stepped into 2011 where its a 50/50 relationship and women actually have a say AND a choice. They seem to still be in the "man wears the pants in the house" and mom just bitterly goes along with whatever he says. So anymore I just ignore what my parents advice is about my relationship. they are only giving me advice based on THEIR experince....which Honeslty I do not want my marriage to be like theirs...(sadly)
good luck

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