26 answers

Living in a Place I Dont Like

What do you do when you despise the place you live? We moved to MN 5 years ago, for my husbands job. I HATE it here. I know that sounds horrible, but I am seriously miserable.
First, I have to say I am thankful for what I have. I feel very fortunate to have a house, a great husband, wonderful kids etc. I just dont know how to change my attitude. We have had problems in our neighborhood, but nothing major. Just the gossipy high schoolish stuff. I try to stay out of it. I dont like the weather here at all. I feel trapped inside all the time. I used to be outside all the time (I grew up in CA, then moved on to CO) I have gained a ton of weight since moving here--mainly because I am bored. I have tried joining different mom groups, but feel like they are very clicky (most of the people here have grown up together or are family--I swear nobody ever moves from this state). I was part of a MOPS group, which I loved, but can no longer be a part of it because of my childrens age. I joined a bible study--nice group of ladies. I work part time, to keep my sanity. I belong to a gym and try to go daily--that does help a little. We recently had problems with my son being bullied, and the school is doing nothing about it. We would love to move, but bought at the high of the market and now have lost a ton of money. My husband is doing great in his job too. I cant work because his job is so demanding. I do have a couple of very good friends, so that is a blessing.
I know this is not the winter blues, because I have felt this way pretty much since we moved here. I have always been a happy person, until now. I think I just feel trapped. I hate feeling like a Debbie Downer. I am almost to a point where I just want to pack up and leave, so I can be happy again.

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What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I would guess you are among a large group of people now who are unable to move due to the economy. And it sounds like you moved with some misgivings in the first place. I know it's not winter blues, not going to tell you that you should be tough or make different friends, etc. but will add that I really do not like where I live either. Oh my goodness I look up and can practically wave to people in airplanes! We are stuck and going nowhere too quickly but I try to find some little thing that helps me through my day to make feel happy and alive. The cold weather seems to have gone on way too long and I am feeling fat and unattractive a lot of times, too. So...do whatever you love. I take a bath and ahhh....for a few minutes life is okay. Find things to get you through...good books, lots of hoochey coochy and realize life is a lot of ups and downs and really life does change.

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More Answers

Of course you are feeling down today - it's been snowing here for like 36 hours straight! It is February in what (according to Sven on Channel 11 last night) is unofficially "the worst winter ever".

Make a list of your pro's - I see lots in your question... great husband, good house, good bible study group, work part time, gym membership (and time to go daily), good friends.

Can you contact your former MOPS friends? Their kids must still be the same age as yours.. you probably still have lots in common. Find them on Facebook or in your address book and see if you can schedule a playdate. Make a plan to go to the MN Zoo, or the Children's Museum so your kids can play and you can visit.

Do you like winter sports? Maybe you could try cross country skiing? There are lots of places to try it out (Como park rents skis by the hour), then you could get outside in the snow and try to enjoy it. Snowshoeing is fun too - if your kids are older they might like it too.

In January I made some "dates" with my girl friends and put them on the calendar so I had some things to look forward to. Two dinners, an afternoon at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, and offered to host a baby shower for a former co-worker of mine. They really made Jan. (and Feb. so far) go much faster. I also am planning to help out more at my oldest son's school (he has a few events coming up they need volunteers for).

Spring is on it's way. Things will get better when MN summer comes. You know summers are the best here.

I know, we Minnesotans can be closed and hard to get to know - I grew up in Northern MN and have had a harder time making friends in the cities since I started staying home with my kids 6 years ago. But, life is what you make of it. :)

Good luck!

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You say it's not the winter, but us lifelong Minnesotans are even having trouble with this winter. I live in an apt with my car parked on the last-street-to-be-plowed in the entire city!! Yes, we Minnesotans can be hard to get to know, and if your "I hate it here" thoughts are showing through even a little, that's not going to make it easier.

I'm on the side of life is what we make it. (Read "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert for the science, and funny stories, about how we do NOT know what will make us happy.)

You say you can't work because of your husband's job, but you have time to go to the gym daily, belong to groups, and be bored. I'd look for a job - either paid or volunteer. We all need a purpose to our days (and gym going and such do not equal a purpose). What is important to you? What cause matters? You can turn this into a volunteer activity or a paid job.

And I highly recommend getting your son into a karate class. My 8 year-old daughter and I have been in karate for over three years. It does great things for our ability to speak up, stand up for ourselves, and not be bullied - without ever needing to use a karate move on anyone outside of class.

And, everyone, it's "clique" not "click" :-) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clique

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Sorry kiddo. I grew up in Minnesota and moved to CA once. So I know how it feels in both places.

One Minnesota adage that will help keep your sanity. "There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes!"

Staying indoors at home all the time drives people nuts (remember "The Shining?")

If you can't beat the weather, join it. Get yourself to a Goodwill and buy warm stuff. Go to a Minnesota State Park with your kids or yourself and learn how to cross-country ski or ice skate. (You can cheaply rent x-country skis and snowshoes at most state parks!)

If you have to stay here, build up your (and your son's) confidence "being a Minnesotan." Do what Minnesotans do: Play outside, drink some beers, take in a movie, start seeds indoors, see a play, take the train to downtown Minneapolis, or go to the Mall of America. Whatever floats your boat. Go by yourself if you have to.

When I moved to CA, I had a hard time showing off skin and felt like a fish out of water. If you can believe it. But eventually I learned how to "be a Californian" (could never get rid of my MinneSOta accent though).

Only 1 more month until spring!

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It is also possible you may have SAD - season affect disorder- from not getting enough sunlight. You might check with your doctor about that.

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I was in a similar situation as you a few months ago. My husband and I got married in July, we moved from my home/family/friends in California to Memphis which ranked #1 in the country for violent crime last year, AND a month after we married, my husband had to go to San Antonio for 5 MONTHS for Air Force training. So there I was, stuck in Memphis, knowing nobody and having NOTHING in common with any of them (California girl in the South = fish out of water) and not even a husband at home to help me adjust to our new lifestyle. October-November was a really low period. You know what I did? I got busy with things I loved. My two saving graces have been yoga and becoming a Stylist for Stella & Dot. The yoga clears my head and gets my "head" energized, the Stella & Dot inspires me, gives me a reason that is all my own to be excited every day, and probably most importantly, has introduced me to so many wonderful women, clients and colleagues alike. Before I started with Stella & Dot, I was always feeling alone and miserable and trapped in a place I hated. I couldn't find a kindred spirit or genuine empathetic person to save my life. I never thought it would happen, but here I am just 4 months later and I'm ACTUALLY starting to warm up to Memphis. I know it's not Memphis itself that I like, it's just the community and the roots I'm making for myself. Either way, I'm not crying anymore :-) Maybe Stella & Dot could open the same doors for you? It's worth a shot. Here's a helpful link: http://stelladot.com/sites/karlee123/our-opportunity. And give that yoga a shot, too. I promise. I wasn't a "yoga person" when I first went. I went in thinking I wouldn't like it. Love it!

Hope something in here helped! Hang in there! It doesn't sound like you're going anywhere, so you might as well find a way to make your own way and someday like it more than you do now. Ooh! I also agree with the suggestion below to check out meetup.org. It's totally fun!

K. H.

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Happiness comes from within. Yes, outside circumstances do influence how we feel but whether or not we are truly happy depends on us and how we think. We have control of our thoughts.

I suggest that you do some counseling so that you can learn to think differently and how to be happy within yourself. I also suggest that a short round of an anti-depressant may be a big help in getting you out of your funk. You have nothing to lose by trying it and lots to gain.

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Yes, I can relate to you deeply. Military wives feel this way many times over almost every time they move to a new location. You have and are the only one that can make you happy. Dig deep down and find out what you like to do besides be outdoors. If you do like being outside, find something to do like cross country snow skiing or ice skating. Are you near by a community college if so take a class and get to know some people that way.

Basically it all about attitude. Just think if you did move back home it would not be the same as people do change from when you lived there.

Take charge of your life and make it what you want. You didn't explain what demands your husband's job put on you to make you unhappy. See how you can change that to make you happy.

Research the area and find something good.

The other S.

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We are all guilty of saying "when this happens I'll be happy". Seriously that really isnt the case. You need to really change your mind set and be happy where you are. You said you are bored. Dr Phil says "boring people are bored people". If the groups you've joined havent done it for you try something else. Get yourself a sewing machine and teach yourself to sew. It sounds like you just need to do something that makes you feel accomplished. You have the hardest job in town and it sounds like you are good at it. You have a successful husband and you are backing him up by fostering his career as a patient and loving wife. Even tho you dont think it's partly winter blues, my guess is that winter is a bit responsible. We all get a little more down when the sun isnt shining and its so cold you can hardly breathe.
Get some good books to read.... that's always a great escape from the doldrums.
visit some of the churches in your area, it's another great way to meet people that "do things" to keep themselves from boredom.
Hope you feel better soon. Try to look at what you have and be thankful for where you are, the grass in not always greener on the other side Honey.

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