Late for Invitation for Thanksgiving

I had this happen once, and those people were never invited back. It is just plain rude. Getting everything cooked perfectly and all done at the same time is hard work and being late shows a complete lack of respect for all that hard work.

But I would not say anything to them at this point, I just would not invite them next year.

that is my biggest pet peeve. I got rid of one of my friends because she just came whenever she wanted, with no respect for my time.

I wouldn't say anything, i'd just not invite them again.

I wouldn't send them an email after the fact. I'd ask if they got lost on their way from wherever they were before they arrived there. Give them some dessert and leave it at that. I also would let it go at this point.

I would have served them dessert.

"I'm sorry, our dinner was at 2pm. Would you like some pie?"

Three hours late is very late.

Best,
T. Y

are you mad or hurt? there's a difference.
i'd be pretty annoyed but i certainly wouldn't be 'hurt', nor would i send an after-the-fact email talking about my feelings.
the time to do that was when they were there in front of you. and if you weren't comfortable doing it then (which is fine), you can't then turn around and do it from the safety of a screen (which is cowardly.)
i think you have every right to be peeved. i did actually haul everything back out of the fridge to feed a family member who casually showed up late a few years ago. i wrestled with the dilemma of speaking up or remaining silent, and for me the holiday spirit won. i loved the people who came, and ultimately i wanted them to continue to feel welcome and warm in my home and not to create future tensions and bad feelings. i DO temper my invitations to them so that i'm not discommodated in the future, but i chose to keep that door open.
had i not loved 'em a lot, that might not have been the case. but either way, the time to handle it was then. a firm 'lou and ellen, it's lovely to see you but i'm afraid the food has all been put away. we'd love to invite you in for coffee and pie, though' would keep the welcome but make clear your boundaries. if that feels too confrontational that's okay too. everyone is different. but having had them in, there's just no way it's okay NOW to confront them with how 'hurt' you were.
or mad, for that matter.
but seriously, adults should not be hurt by the vagaries of others. that's just way too much wide-open vulnerability for me. you'd be walking around bleeding all the time.
khairete
S.

At my house we serve Thanksgiving at 2 pm. If you arrive at 2:15 then grab a plate and sit down because we're already eating. If you come later you might have to get food out of the fridge, heat it in the microwave and sit down while we're snacking on treats. In other words if you are late I'm not mad but I'm not waiting for you to come.

I'd say to let it go at this point. If you want to invite your friends again in the future state clearly that they are expected at a certain time and should text or call if they will be late.

When something so confusing and frustrating occurs, it helps to go back over the conversation and invitation to see if there was any reason for confusion. Make you that you were very clear to them that this was for an early meal/lunch, and that you said something like, "Please come around 1 PM. We'll have some appetizers and then sit down for the feast at 2 PM. Bring your appetites." Then review what they said, to see if they said, "Oh we'd love to stop by" (which is kind of vague and implies they wouldn't make it for 2) vs. "Lunch sounds delicious and what can we bring?"

A lot would depend on what their demeanor was when they arrived. Were they embarrassed and contrite, were they stressed, were they totally confused by the fact that the meal was over? That would be very telling and help give direction.

I think Wild Woman's answer is excellent, in which you express worry rather than annoyance and in which you tried to call them to check on their plans. Surely, when they arrived and saw that you had eaten, they knew there was a screw up of some sort. But if they weren't clear on the 2 PM, is it possible that they are just as hurt because they think you went ahead without them and moved up your dinner time? People have such ingrained customs around Thanksgiving - we never eat before 5, but friends of ours wouldn't dream of eating later than 1 PM. We often assume that others do it the same way we do, so miscommunications occur.

Assuming you were totally clear and they are just thoughtless or got such pressure from family or someone else to go there first, and nobody bothered to call anyone else, you have to put yourself in the Thanksgiving spirit and say that you had plenty to eat and good friends/family for the rest of the meal even without this one family. You can be ticked off, but I definitely wouldn't send an email or tell them how hurt you were. You have to assume that they actually noticed that the meal was eaten, and hope that they won't ever do it again to anyone else.

We see question after question on Mamapedia about people's lack of exposure to good manners - birthday parties with no RSVPs, hostesses wondering how many calls and emails are appropriate to nudge people into simply replies, people saying their child will happily come to the bday party and then coming themselves with 2 younger kids and expecting that you will feed and provide goody bags for everyone, people rude acting rude and entitled in stores and restaurants, people bringing Christmas gifts for people who never reciprocate, etc.

As far as inviting them again, wait and see. If you do decide next year that you want to do it again, it's okay to say "I may have miscommunicated last year, and I feel badly that you missed the meal." (Even if you don't feel badly, that's what you say.) "We'd love you to come between noon and 1 for appetizers and some football, and then we will sit down to eat at 2 PM."

I think nothing good can come from either an after-the-fact "I'm pissed off" email or from continuing to stew over it. Anger eats you up. If you were taken advantage of, all you can control is your own reaction - how angry you want to be and stay, and how you handle new invitations in the future. And this will make you even more sensitive to others in the future, making sure you know their plans so you don't ever do a similar thing even accidentally. Take the high road, be the bigger person. It's better for you.

Let it go.
Assuming they didn't have any trouble traveling (weather/traffic/airport/car-broke-down issues, etc) if they were somewhere else first then I would assume that they ate there.
If they didn't eat there then cold leftovers at your place is fine for them although I might be inclined to only feed them dessert or any left over h'ordeuvres if I'd put the food away already (it's only suppose to be out no more than 2 hours before needing to go into the fridge).
It's not YOUR fault they can't tell time or are so rude as to go party hopping.
But I'd sure as heck make note of it and not invite them over next year.
I don't go out of my way to provide additional opportunities for hospitality to people who have so little regard for me.

Additional:
Veruca Salt - Really?
You'd have no issues over your home/family being treated as a community event/soup kitchen/short order restaurant?
It's one thing to have an open house and people just drop in when ever they can or feel like it.
It's another when you invited guests to your home and planned, purchased food and prepared a meal and they snubbed you because they were party hopping.
It's not the same at all.
I'm glad you get a warm fuzzy feeling from serving people - but they were NOT intentionally personally treating you like a doormat.
You really can't see the difference between the situations?
I'm just wondering what sort of behavior for invited guests at your home would it take to insult you?

Additional:
Well Veruca, you are a bigger more generous person than me.
The world is a better place because of you and I'm glad that makes you happy.
I'm sorry though but when I invite people over for supper I expect they will show up at the appointed time barring an emergency.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I would certainly not chew them out then and there or after the fact but I would not be inviting them back next year.

What point would it serve? It's not going to turn back time and get them there any earlier. I would let it go.

Maybe if you invite them again next year, you could ask if they have any other plans for the day then, to let them know you didn't appreciate the late arrival. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it.

At first glance of this, my thoughts were, "What's the problem", however, I read the first 10 responses and everyone seems to agree that it was rude.

People have other schedules and agendas. I don't mean this in a bad way, but please take this into consideration. They may be two working people with kids and perhaps a baby, they work until Wednesday night, traffic is horrible, the grocery stores were packed, you may not have your laundry done to dress your family for T-day, and you have 1-4 other families or grandparents to squeeze in the day and then have to be prepared to be at a friends house by 2:00 PM or bust...just sounds a little too uptight to me.

I suggest if this is a good friend, you let people know you will be serving at 2:00 and if they can make it, you would be glad to have them. Save the tight schedule for a paid formal venue.

I guess I just don't have friends or family that I could tell them to be at my home by a certain time. We scheduled our lunch/dinner for 2:00 PM too. I made the turkey and left my home at 2:00 PM, however, live about 3 miles away from the gathering home. My sister left before we ate to go pick up her son. My niece walked in with her two children right when the guys began to serve themselves. A second niece walked in without her son because he didn't want to leave his Aunt's house. She came after we already ate and wasn't hungry because she already ate, but she picked. In any event, we were together and happy.

I don't mean to make light of what you are upset over, but this is as silly as my nephews lead singer was there to eat too. He asked what kind of cracker was on a platter and I said, "It was some wafer...looks like communion". He said "I'm Jewish". When he approached the ham I was carving, I didn't offer him any (now that I knew he was Jewish) and he asked for it. My point, so what! We welcome Jewish people in our home, don't need to know ahead of time that they are Jewish, but if they are, that's cool, and they can take or leave the ham on the counter top. We were happy he was with us rather than alone.

My biggest pet peeve! No more invites for them. Serving at a food kitchen is different. These people were downright rude and disrespectful. I would not e mail them but I would NEVER invite them over again. Stuck
In a storm, ER visit forgivable of course.

I invited my husband's relatives one year and some friends.The friends did but not his relatives. I never heard from them, they never showed up, they never explained it. I used to wonder if it was cultural we are from different backgrounds.. I didn't look back, didn't do anything. I had food left for us for the next day. And I haven't made any specific invitations since then to this particular group. I learned my lesson about being specific and following up. If you want it to be 'around' three, then people show up when they want. If you say dinner is planned for three they target it for 3.If you made it sound like an open house, (which I suppose I have done) people just show up when they want. And sometimes if they are just very selfish, they don't show up or call at all. I learned since we are from different cultures,that I am positively livid when we are late for something and unless he is going to work we all learned we have to sort of alter the time so we can get somewhere on time because he doesn't feel the same sayHis whole family were actually late for the christening of his brother's baby! Some people do not understand that they are specifically being invited for a meal and look at a day like this as drop into friends all day. I think your friends were rude to do that, but who knows what they were thinking.And nowadays all this texting and Facebooking, while there is so much means to communicate it is really difficult other than a phone call to know what is happening. Texts get lost (oh,sorry we will be later we have to stop in somewhere else) sent to wrong person, people are leaving messages on answering machines and owners don't listen back and my own sister sent me a computer 'invite' for Thanksgiving and it changed the date to Friday instead of Thursday and the wrong time. Then she changed it from her end and they still didn't from theirs. I'd just drop the whole thing and if there is a future invite to them politely and kindly find out for sure if they understand when dinner is and if they know they are to come then.

I agree with Wild Woman on this one. I wouldn't say anything but I'd be very careful and specific with the next invite with them (if there is one).

It's good to be gracious and welcoming (and forgiving of course) but it's also good to observe proper social niceties (boundaries). I look at going to someone's home a bit differently than I do a relatively public place like a church.

When people don't observe social boundaries the net result is less hospitality. The bottom line is that a great deal of planning, time and money goes into a Thanksgiving meal. Why do it if you're not sure your guests are going to arrive within a reasonable time frame? It's a waste of food at the very least.

Again, I wouldn't say anything to this family at this point.

JMO

E.

In my opinion? It's too late. You should have said something yesterday when they got there - "I'm soo thankful you are okay!! We tried calling. You didn't pick up! We already ate, I'll warm stuff up for you. SO glad you are safe."

I wouldn't say anything and in the future? I wouldn't invite them over unless I know they are NOT doing anything with someone else - that's just rude - either leaving one place early to get to someone else or being late...I know that people have other functions and it's HARD to say no to people on Thanksgiving...you have much to be thankful for! If they let you know upfront they have another commitment? Then plan accordingly.

I would NOT say anything now. It's too late.

You feel they were rude because they didn'T consider your feelings. I suggest that sending email to them about your feelings is also rude because you wouldn'T be considering their feelings.

If these are friends or family that you want to keep in your life and your anger/hurt simmers on than talk with them in person about how you feel while giving them the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings.

Did they know what time the meal was being served? We are usually invited to come over for dinner around 2:00pm, but the meal isn't served until 5:00pm. The afternoon is just for visiting. It wouldn't have occurred to me that the actual meal would be served at that time of day, unless actually specified. They may have just assumed they had time to divide their visiting.

I'd let it go. Sometimes messages get confused or lost.

I emailed my aunt twice this week to ask when dinner was and what to bring. Never heard a word back. We usually eat at three-- this year they started serving at 1; we arrived about 20 minutes at most before that. I barely had time to put my contribution to the meal in a serving bowl before we were all saying grace.

Be gracious. If they are usually late and inconsiderate, don't invite them again. If not, then try to remember that this is ONE day in the course of a friendship. Try to put it in perspective. Were you glad to see them, or not?

We realized the morning of that while we knew what everyone was making, the 1PM timeframe was never expressed to the family. Whoops. So we did some early calls and decided to hold back dinner if people couldn't arrive by 1. In the end, my ILs were late, but we called them when 1PM came and went, just to see if things were OK. Sounds like you neither called your guests out of concern (traffic? I was once an hour late after leaving an hour EARLY due to holiday traffic) nor did they call you. So I would let this go and see if it gets mentioned (at which time you can ask if you were unclear, etc.) and be really really clear down the road. I would otherwise let it go.

People are busy. Many families have to "show up" at several places.
I've been there--we probably all have O. or more years.
I do agree that they should have made their plans clear to you--BUT maybe their other plans did not go according to plan. Who knows?
Send an email? Nope.
To send an email today would be passive aggressive.
Now you know better--now you can do better in the future.

No email. Let it go.

Did you invite them and they confirmed (and did you flat out say we will be eating at 2PM) that they would be attending or was it more casual?

If I say we are having Thanksgiving at Aunt Millie's house. The party starts at 2:00. You should join us. And my friend says oh, thanks for inviting me. I'll try to make it, then I think it is acceptable for friend to either show up or not during the hours of the party. If my friend says 'Great. See you at 2:00.' and then shows up at 5PM then yeah that is rude. But still not you are getting an email about your behavior rude.

I guess I'm just used to family functions where people come and go as they can. If you show up after the food is served you either pick over what is left or you don't eat or, if you are lucky, someone saved you a plate.

Too late to tell them you're hurt or mad. That time has passed.

I'm curious how you greeted them and what happened when they did arrive -- did you grit your teeth, grin and pretend all was well? Offer coffee? Or say something at the time? Did they leave pretty quickly, seeming sheepish and embarrassed, or did they act as if they had no idea they were late for anything?

HuggyMama's post nailed what I thought as soon as I saw your post: Did the guests possibly think that you meant this was an "open house" type of event, where people drop in whenever they want, or can, during a certain span of time? Granted, most Thanksgiving meals don't work like that, but unless you are dead-on 100 percent certain they understood that you would expect them sitting at your table at 2:00 -- it's possible they misunderstood somehow.

I would NOT drop them from all future invitations. You like them well enough to ask them over for a major holiday; if you like them that much, why wouldn't you give them the benefit of the doubt and a second chance, especially if there's any chance that your invitation might not have been crystal clear? And even if you do feel you were perfectly clear -- if they are people you care about, and this has not happened before with them, I'd still give them another chance. Next time issue any invitations face to face; find a nice way to ask them to repeat it back to you ("So to confirm, you'll be at our house at 1:45 on Thursday, right?" and wait for a reply); and follow up via e-mail, getting in touch again if there is no reply to the e-mail.

You liked them before they were late; do you still like them as people or has this one incident cancelled everything you liked about them? I can see be upset and angry about the lateness, but I can't see this incident erasing whatever there is about them that made you like them in the first place...So give them the benefit of the doubt. If this becomes a pattern, then you reconsider. But it's not a pattern yet.

I would have been embarrassed for THEM, not mad. I mean they are the ones who showed up three hours late and were stuck with cold food. Did they not know you all were eating at two, was there a miscommunication? When they came to the door what did you say? I would have said oh we thought you weren't coming we ate three hours ago! You're welcome to reheat a plate if you want!

The time to address it, if you were going to, would have been when they showed up. If you said nothing to their faces, then don't send an email a day later. They won't apologize anyway, or if they do it won't be sincere.

Do remember this for the next time you consider inviting them to another event where time or head-count matters. They are what I consider B-list friends: they might be amusing and fun to be around, but you can't rely on them when it matters.

You can't change people, but you can change how you interact with them. By not including them in things that are important to you, you remove the occasion to be hurt by them.

When you invited them was it an official invite "you are invited to lunch at the jones at 2pm" or was it more a casual "we will be home all day come on over after you are done at your moms" type thing? We also had this happen on thanksgiving this year. My oldest son and his fiance were supposed to be at our house by 3 everyone else was there. at 4 we called and were told go ahead we will be over about 630. we ate , put the food away and went on with our day. its frustrating but not worth losing family or friends over.

Wow, it was really rude of them. Did they give an explanation as to WHY they were late?

Did you try and call them?
How was your invitation worded? Was it a set time to arrive or a window of time to arrive?

I would not say anything today. It's too late. You should have said something yesterday when they arrived. Remember this for future invitations. Try not to hold it over their head. If they are late or no-shows again? Don't extend invites.

In our home, we were trained by my mother. If she says The meal will be at 12:00, she means sitting down at 12:00.

If she says, come over at 12:00 and we will visit for a while then have lunch, she means be there at 12:00 to visit.

Some people are just rude, thoughtless and down right clueless. I do not tend to be friends with people like that for very long.

Hey Veruca, I'm so glad you were able to do this meal at your church. That's really nice of your congregation to do this. We have 2 churches that combine their resources and do a free community lunch on Thanksgiving. A different church does a free community lunch for Christmas. Many people from the community plan on these free meals and they go there to eat. There are also hundreds of volunteers that take meals to shut ins and those who don't have transportation.

Having a place to go for those who are less fortunate is a wonderful thing.

If that family that showed up had said they were late because they had stopped to eat with their friends then decided to stop by to eat again would you have felt the same? The family you served was hungry, they came a bit late but what if that reason was because they wanted to eat with other people instead so they came late to eat again at your church. That would feel a bit different I think.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That's so rude. If they didn't call and the invitation said be here at 2pm to eat, then they said they'd be there for sure, I'd have told them all the food was gone .
They probably made you guys wait for a while too. Did you try and call them when they didn't show up? Did they answer? Did they send you to voice mail?

Obviously they wanted to spend Thanksgiving with the other people more. That would tell me a LOT right there. Not friends anymore. They'd be acquaintances that didn't get invited to my parties where time was a factor.

I would let it go.
It's a busy time w/travel & most people try to see more than one family
on that day so they travel to both.
Just enjoy the food, company when they come etc.

It depends on a couple things. Were they they only family invited besides your nuclear family (i.e. a big chunk of your guests)? Were they bringing something to contribute to the meal? When they arrived, did they expect to be fed? It sounds like they may have interpreted it as an open invitation.

In my family, we meet at the house at 1:00. Everyone brings something to contribute to the meal, so if you are late, you are holding the meal up. This is a major no-no for us. If you are not going to be there, you must let the host know as we have to prepare seating for a large group. But this is my family and this is how we have done it for years, so I would imagine there are different expectations for friends.

I would let it go, and question whether to invite them the next year - or be much more specific in your invitation with these particular friends. Ask them directly if they will be there for the meal or join later for dessert? Just say, "I want to make sure we have enough for everyone! Can I expect you for dinner at 2:00 or would you like to join us later for dessert?"

What did they say why they where late? I guess they had an explanation .
Was the invitation clear with having lunch at 2:00pm?

What did you say when they showed up? 2:00 is an odd time for "lunch". Regardless, I would just say we already ate but you can help yourself to what's left and not invited them over next year. Good luck.