Lack of Control in 6 Year Old Girl??

I have an 8 year old daughter that was diagnosed wtih ADHD in 1st grade. It might be worth getting her evaluated. A good child psychologist could do the eval and offer some feedback for you. It often goes undiagnosed in girls until they are much older because little girls are often 'chatty or spacey' and it's just a girl thing.

It sounds like she has learned how far to push a situation. She knows that she can ignore you until you raise your voice. Next time she doesn't listen the 1st time, punish immediately without raising your voice. No chances, no warnings. She will learn to listen the 1st time.

Your daughter sounds a lot like my son. We thought my son was ADD, even took him to a psychologist who told me that while he had some ADD behaviors (impulsivity) he was able to control them - he was making a choice not to, so not really ADD. We worked on ways to control him impulsivity and it helped.

One thing we did at home was set up marble jars, one for 'good choices' and one for 'poor choices'. Every time he comes home without his folder signed he gets a good choice marble, a signed folder = a poor choice marble. If the good choice jar is filled first he gets $10, if the poor choice jar is filled first he gets nothing and loses all the good choices he had earned so far. We use the jars for lots of things; bad attitude at home, not listening, arguing with his sister, playing nicely with his sister, good play in a soccer game, being a good role model, etc etc etc. We've found it works relatively well, the biggest problem we have is remembering to do it daily, lol.

I would just like to say, PLEASE don't put your 6 yr old in time-out for 30-60 minutes!!! The time-out rule is 1 minute per year of age, so 6 minutes for a 6 yr old =) Now, you should absolutely re-set the timer every time she gets up, but just ignore the screaming. The screaming is just to get attention.
Also, I wouldn't use time-outs to get her to listen to you better. I would first have her ears checked and then ask her pediatrician if she should be screened for anything else, like ADD. Then I would just start getting her attention first by saying her name and getting down on her level and telling her to look at your eyes. Once she's looking at your eyes, you know she's paying attention. If she starts looking away and not paying attention, stop what you're saying and remind her to look at you. Make sure you're not overloading her with information. She should be able to remember directions such as "get your pajamas on, brush your teeth, and come back here", but not much more than that. Make sure you have her repeat instructions back to you after you're done telling her ("can you tell me what I just said?"). Lastly, I would make sure and catch her every time she listens/follows instructions right away and tell her what a great job she did! Praise goes a lot further than nagging =)

My son is 9 and has Aspergers/ADHD. Before he started taking ADHD meds, he was very loud and fidgety. He came home with pencil holes in his shirt and a chewed collar because he couldn't "be still". He needed an aide for most of the day. It was sad for me to see him struggle so much at school, because he is so creative and inventive(thinks outside the box). When he takes ADHD meds, the teachers report that he is much quieter and more "compliant". They use picture schedules, an extra desk at the back of the classroom, a ticket reward system, and sensory breaks to keep him on task. The other thing that has helped with the impulse control is just maturing with age. Today, he surprised me by putting the parmesan cheese back in the fridge without being reminded!

Does the school have a counselor that the children can see? I have custody of my granddaughter and she was having trouble with listening, I first went to the peditrician to see if she had ADHD and she said no.
Then I went to the school and the counselor had special groups that taught the children techniques for paying attention. I also went to a child pschologist that evaluated her, and then gave me wonderful tips on how to get her to pay closer attention and how to help her with her frustrations. We didn't have to have a lot of sessions.
The school set up a daily behavior report card and If she got a 3 or up to a 5 we would chart it and so many 3's or 5's = certain prizes at the end of the week. She really wants her trip to the dollar store every week and we've seen a lot of improvement. With the peer group and report cards.

She was 7 when this was started, and now is 9 and it's still on going.

Maybe you need to have her evaluated for ADD (non-hyperactive type) - she sounds like she easily gets distracted. My daughter is 4 and exhibits a lot of same behavior with me and not really with her teacher and other adults in charge, so I am wondering how much of it is normal for her age, but I'm aware of it too and keeping on eye on it to see if becomes more a problem as she gets older. Otherwise, she may have just learned that she can ignore you until you count to 3, raise your voice, etc. So you might have to instill some kind of immediate consequence for not listening the first time.

As her pediatrician for a referral to a specialist like a child psychiatrist. Our son has ADHD and what you're describing sounds like some of his key symptoms (although he also has the hyperactive component; not all kids with ADHD do). At the very least, you should rule out any medical condition so you better know how to deal with the lack of focus.

Hi there,
As a parent, a parent educator and an OT, I have a couple of things you might check out. One is a book called 'Transforming the 'Difficult Child': The Nurtured Heart Approach.
http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Nurtur...

Secondly, you might check out information about sensory processing disorder/auditory processing disorder.

Finally, the work of Quantum Techniques has specific healing strategies to help kids with inattention, etc.
http://quantumtechniques.com/

I have other resources and don't want to overwhelm you...feel free to contact me directly if you want more.
Blessings to you and your family,
K.
Kimberly Smith Cavins, OTR, CPE, EFT-Cert
"From the Heart" Family Healing

Helping people with:
~Parenting or Family Struggles
~Unhealed Emotional Issues, Trauma, or Illness
Who need Peace, Love, and Connection

Remedy Center for Healing Arts; 4910 Burnet Rd Austin, Tx 78756; ###-###-####, ____@____.com
"We can do no great things, only small things with great Love"~Mother Teresa

My son is the exact same way. As per the Doctors, he is nothing more than a really, really, really strong willed child. Has been from the day he was born. He also has poor impulse control. He is very smart so if he becomes bored that is usually when the misbehavior starts. Consistent and patient normal voiced redirection. As the other Mommas have mentioned, the reward jars are awesome. It is a physical reminder of her behavior. Post the rules in the kitchen and refer to them often. Give her ways to "earn" extra points. Good luck to you. I feel your pain. cb

I bet she has a high IQ! I have similar issues with my son, since Kindergarten, he's now in 5th grade and it's still a struggle. Some teachers he has been great with others not so great. My first suggestion is ask for a referral to the school counselor. The counselor can help teach your daughter some tips to controling herself. You have to understand that it's very difficult for her to control herself and sometimes impossible. That doesn't mean they can't learn to control themselves it's just very very hard!

A few other things that have worked for us is having my son at a desk that is apart from groups. Although the teachers don't like to do this because they are supposed to have the kids in little clusters, but this has really helped my son because it takes the temptation of talking away and he expressed to me that it is helpful to him. Then he does join the groups for group projects but is on his own for individual learning. Another trick is he has an extra notebook to jot down his questions and thoughts during the day, the teacher reads and responds to his thoughts. That way he gets validation for ideas and observations that he can't share with the class. This may be a little advanced for your daughter but maybe she can have a notebook that she can write things down in once her school work is finished. (As I'm sure she finishes well before everyone else and is then tempted to talk.) Ask the teacher to give her extra work, exercises, word searches etc. If she is finishing too soon this will help her stay busy until the rest of the class has caught up.

Make a chart for home that she gets stickers for everyday that she didn't get a mark for talking. I know when my son was in kinder they had clips that would be moved if they were talked to about something. If he didn't move his clip and stayed on green he would get a sticker. If he had 4 days in a week he would then get a small prize. Small weekly goals work better at age 6 than monthly goals but as she gets older you can change them. I made a chart using Excel and bought some cheap stickers, but they do sell dry erase board type chart for this type of thing.

All of these tricks have worked for my son, but it's a constant juggling game to get the right combination when. As long as your daughters teachers are willing to work with you and her and see that you are willing to work with them you should be able to get through this just fine!

After reading some of the response I wanted to add that a great book that helped us was Parenting the Strong Willed Child:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...

This was recommend to us by a child psychiatrist that evaluated my son at about age 5 or 6. Although this book is geared towards younger children, there are a lot of good tips that really helped us. The main thing is to be consistent in your discipline, 1 warning then consequences. And make sure to not threaten something that you are not willing to follow through on. Please don't listen to Christy's advice, which is absolutely ridiculous!

There maybe a deeper problem but even if there is there is a way to train them to listen the first time you say something. She has been trained to NOT listen by the way you say things over and over and do all the counting. She knows to not listen until it gets severe and that is what is carrying over in school. She needs an immediate response if she does not follow directions the first time you say it in a normal voice. It should have started years ago. My son would not listen at all when he was two- three and would actually run and do things more if you said stop. So I became very deliberate with the training and when I said stop or to do something, he got one warning and then it was time out for not listening and following directions. At first I had to use a wooden spoon to keep him in time out but after he learned that I meant what I said then he started listening. By the time he got to kinder he always got E's in conduct because when an adult spoke to him he looked in their face and he listened and he did what he was told. He would have been one of those kids on medication but I killed myself working on his behavior and listening skills which took two years, being very positive and bragging when he did the right thing and listened to me and being "sad" but as consistent as could be when he did not listen and immediately had a consequence. Taking things away is too abstract and is usually delayed after the fact. They need an immediate response for talking when an adult is talking and for not following instructions. Maybe it was because I was a teacher who had quit to stay home with my own kids but I was determined that he was not going to be one of those kids that got in trouble all the time. Do not use the excuse of being too busy with your own life to discipline and train your own child. None of those other things that you are doing are as important. You do not want people having to fuss at your child all day and them end up being labeled and feeling bad because you did not teach them any better.

I have a friend whose son has Auditory Processing Disorder - and it sounds exactly like what you're describing. You might want to have her evaluated for it. He is a smart, sweet boy that just CANNOT understand what is being said to him, and if he does understand it he forgets it a moment later. It causes a LOT of behavioral issues because it appears that he is doing it on purpose. It might be something for you to look into.

Read 1,2, 3 Magic. Do not over discuss, do not over warn. If the rule is always Clean up before dinner, then it doesnt need explaining or several warnings. Clean up your (toys, crayons. whatever) if she doesn't do it say nothing more than one, pause, two pause, three, then use a marble jar as explained below or behavior chart to give a sad mark. Give your order only once! but try to change "orders" to choices DO you want to brush your teeth with the yellow toothbrush or pink?" Do you want to take a bath in the upstairs bathroom or downstairs?" Try to make less "orders" Try to change some of Mom bossing her around to her directing herself by following a chart of things to do before school a chart of things to do before bed. then she gets the positive reinforcement of checking off each step by herself. Have her clean up when the timer goes off rather than when mom says to - less of a power struggle. Bed time is when the clock says so )again not Mom bossing her around Just her following a routine. Teach her to say excuse me and NEVER, EVER let her interrupt when you are talking to others, she needs to say excuse me and then wait till you are ready to listen. Make her practice this patiently waiting it is a skill she NEEDS for school (and for life) Tell the teacher you are working with her to listen and be responsible at home and you expect that will spill over into her school behavior. IF she is ADD or something this will all help but will just take longer so keep reinforcing when things go well with a marble jar, pom pom jar, sticker chart ......something. REmember the rewards for a sticker chart or whatever do not have to be material expensive -it can be a fun Sat afternoon with Mom, staying up late to watch a video Fri night or a playdate with her friend....something you cant always fit into the schedule but she likes to do....

My daughter was the exact same way when she was that age. Kinder and 1st grade were really rough on everyone. She is a very spirited girl who bounces from activity to activity. We met with her school counselor and the two biggest things I took away were lots of positive reinforcement and when you ask a kid to do something, give them a few minutes to actually do it. They don't have the sense of urgency that we do. We gave a consequence for bad choices and rewards for good ones. We also put her in gymnastics and I think the discipline in the sport has helped her tremendously. 2nd grade this year has been awesome. It's like someone flipped a switch. Hang in there.