Kids Will Play 1 on 1 with My Child Here, but Ignore Her If Other Kids Around

you will not force other girls to befriend yours by 'balling' (bawling) them out. i understand your anger, but you are approaching it from the wrong end of the bull. yes, kids' natural instincts are often cruel and exclusive and it's our job to nudge them to kinder, more empathetic behavior. that doesn't happen through coercion. understand that it is normal (not nice, but normal) for kids to play happily in one setting and be nasty in another. happens all the time.
what you need to do is empower your own child, not try to control all the others. encourage her to keep her kind caring attitude, and role play with her to find ways of handling various other social scenarios so that she has a set of possibilities that will help her through a variety of situations. the school can't force friendship, and 'bullying by exclusion' is indeed kids being kids. we can try to jam them into all sorts of behaviors that we as adults deem appropriate, but they will always find ways to play with the kids they want to and ignore the ones they don't.
put your energy where it will actually do some good, in working with your own child.
khairete
S.

I agree with you but this is what kids do. They are learning to be friends with several people at once and sometimes do not behave a maturally as we would like. You should not be addressing the other girls. It is fine to talk to your daughter and the other moms but they should discuss w/ their own daughters. By you stepping in, you have given them something to give your daughter a hard time about "your M. is trying to make us play with you". You can't make kids play w/ you daughter. You can refuse to have them interact at your home or other places but you can't make them play or be friends as school.

Moving your daughter around to different schools because of the treatment other children are giving your daughter is way over the top. You should be placing your daughter in the school that can offer your DAUGHTER the best education.

You need to empower your daughter to understand, NO ONE can make her feel bad about herself.. SHE is in charge of her own happiness.
If you keep interfering with her social life, she is going to feel she is not able to do this herself, or that you do not trust her to fight her own battles.
Bawling out an 8 year old at a PARTY, is not appropriate. Instead you can speak to the parent, or even better, give your daughter the tools to speak to others about how they are treating her. They will listen to her.

These kids are 8 and 9. They are behaving like their ages. You need to remind your own daughter about empathy and to speak up for herself. You need to step back about 5 paces and learn to hold it together. This is part of their education, learning to speak up for oneself, even in trying moments.

It is extremely hard to see our children have their feelings hurt, to see others mistreat them, but this is a safe time for this to happen. Your daughter can handle this, especially if it does not have to take place in front of adults. This is a learning time for her. She will learn what it feels like to be excluded and will be able to find the nice friends that do not behave like this, or even better find a way to have the strength to stand up to these people on her owm.

Purchase Queen Bees and wanna bees and read it WITH your daughter.

PTA's that have Queen Bees? Do not get pulled into that drama.. Instead just do the volunteer work you want to do and find other moms like yourself.. Be careful to not listen to assume "upper income school has." clicky drama people. Our neighborhood school had that reputation and yes, there were a few, but we just ignored those people and became inclusive.. The majority were there for the same reason, we wanted ALL of our children to have the best education possible.

Kay, your post sounded familiar so I looked back at your past posts to confimr that it was you. I truly do not mean to offend you here but I am wondering if it is YOU that is the problem??? You are extremely wrapped up in your daughter's life and I wonder if you just simply annoy the other kids and parents and they are taking it out on your DD. I encourage you to take an honest look at this possibility.

I was very like your daughter at that age. Unfortunately, around 8 or 9 it is normal in their development for kids to start noticing differences in their "friends" and pointing them out, often meanly. School was hard for me, socially. I was first in my class academically and lettered in high school in 2 sports, but rarely or never invited to parties, never dated anyone in my own school, and SERIOUSLY HATED lunch time because other kids would shun me at times.

The positives that came from that time in my life are: 1) I was never in trouble for underage drinking, etc. like other kids I knew, 2) I am now a fiercely loyal friend and protector of others, 3) I learned to be independent and not ruled by peer pressure.

It seems you are getting lots of good advice about what NOT to do. I'll agree, you can't influence the other little girls except by example. If you want to teach them to be good, kind friends, you must show them by example and not verbally threaten them. Will it work? Probably not, but you are also teaching your daughter how to be a good person and not live by "an eye for an eye".

What CAN you do? Here's what my parents did that I can look back on and appreciate so much from them. 1) My mother mostly let me fight my own battles except in cases of bullying (even once by a teacher), 2) She listened to my tears and was always there to comfort me, 3) My parents always supported my interests in any activity and made sure to do everything in their power to help me attend meetings, get equipment, etc., 4) My parents weren't rich, but they did always make sure I had contact lenses and 1 or 2 outfits that were popular and in-style at the time, 5) Most importantly for me, my M. took the place of a best friend. Don't get me wrong, she was still rather strict, set limits, gave curfews and punishment when deserved, but she also took me to the movies when I had nobody to go with, celebrated New Year's Eve with me (with popcorn and soda) when I wasn't invited to the parties, etc.

It's a tough road you are on, and I feel for your daughter, but she will end up stronger for it. Help her to brainstorm ideas that she "could" not "should" try, but let her make the decisions and attempts. Fast forward 20 years for me, and I just attended my high school reunion and am very glad I went. Many of those girls who were only my friend "when nobody else was home" are very different now that they are adults and, thanks to facebook, we can now be the friends I always longed to be.

Wow, as I'm reading your letter, my immediate thought is this. Does your daughter mirror your social skills?

Seriously, (1) you believe that an adult or parent can and should demand (dare I say bully?) a child into being a friend and playing with your daughter at school. (2) Then you threaten the child with banishment from your home, and extend the banishment to her entire family.

Have you ever asked the other girls why she they don't play with your daughter at school? They may have an answer that sheds some light on the situation. Or the girls may not have a clue to why they ignore her.

After you "bawl out a little girl" there are probably a few that are scared.
Have you had any success, scaring them straight? Some of these girls are going to decide you are "a head case."

I was a kid who "did not" who click with other kids. I was "old" for my age.
At home, I was in charge a lot as the oldest of 7 kids. I read a lot, was opinionated and quick witted ( I was funny,) my clothes weren't cool nor were they dowdy, I was terrible at sports, and had a tiny desire to get better at sports. ( I was sadly uncoordinated.) My grades weren't great nor were they terrible.

I know you are frustrated, saddened, disappointed and mad as hell! The M. from last night, is more desperate than you. She decided that getting bawled out by another adult, would make more of an impression on her daughter. That M. must feel terrible, your house is the only game in town, for her daughter.

I was one of those girls who never had friends in elementary school. I had cousins who played with me at our homes. And we had so much fun! Yet, we never played or socialized in school (although, we were in the same grade.) There was a neighbor girl in my class, on the rare occasions we played together at home, we had fun. Voila the next school day, I was ignored and not invited to be with her and her friends.

In my opinion, girls tend to travel in packs. As an adult I realized, that I didn't click with other kids.

In eighth grade, I finally latched onto a group of girls. I didn't realize it at the time, but each of us were school misfits in our own way. When I started inviting my newfound friends to my parents house, my parents didn't approve. These girls were a little too loud, too wild, too much into music, danced wildly to music, laughed too loud etc... Interesting, isn't it, when I found my own friends, they didn't measure up to my parents expectations. Enough about me, that was 60's and 70's.

It's time for some 2011 ideas. Your daughter, may find her muse and may find a "real" friend through dance class, ballet, acrobatics, swimming, band, art, or through classes at the Y, or Girl Scouts.

My personal favorite is 4-H (my kids raised beef cattle from weaned calves of 300-500 lbs to 2000 lbs. and sold them at the county fair. Fear not, 4-H has more affordable projects such as sewing, knitting, raising vegetables and on and on. The upside to 4-H is the friends she could make in a 4-H group.

In the year 2011 there are so many options, choir, church youth groups, soccer, tennis, softball, ice skating, skate boarding, hockey, volleyball, horses, working as a tutor, or mentoring little kids.

I think it's time to back off. Offer some outside activities to your daughter, if she wants to join any of them, stand back and let the cards fall where they may.

I wish peace in your heart and mind, for both you and your daughter.
A.

What does your daughter think about this? You could find her activities SHE enjoys, whether it is Girl Scouts, the church choir, rollerskating, horseback riding, after school handheld game club, etc.That way she will have something she enjoys as well as maybe meet others who like this activity. If your daughter would like more friends at school, maybe talk to the teacher or counselor. Our school has a "lunch buddies" program where kids get to choose a friend and about 6 kids at a time will have lunch with the counselor and play games, etc. It is a way for the shy kids to get to know others in their age group and have fun. They do this once a week for 8 weeks. The teacher might be able to suggest another girl in class who has a similar personality or interests, and you can start with some at home play dates, or meet at the playground, etc. Middle school in our town offers a lot more after school clubs, the library has a program for them on half days where they can walk there themselves and meet a bunch of kids without it having to be "arranged" as a play date.
This will keep happening all her life - I experienced it when I first started staying home with my kids and tried to get a playgroup started from a larger M.'s group at the hospital. I felt I was mostly the one calling everyone to get it going, others might have had more local family or were working or had older siblings and had less interest in these social gatherings that were vital for me. But before you do anything, sit down and talk with your daughter - what does she want? My oldest is very sensitive and has a few good friends and prefers it that way. She is not comfortable in large groups and generally declined invitations to huge birthday parties in the past. My youngest is very social at school but wants quiet alone down time at home and has a play date with another friend maybe once a week. Just because she does not have oodles of close friends does not mean she is not happy.

Kay,
It seems you've posted a lot lately about the same issue. My best advise is for you to read "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool -- How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle" by Barbara Coloroso. Hope it helps give you the tools you're seeking. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
~ J.