Just Found Out I'm Pregnant, But...

Uh, yeah, just so you know (and just so your HUSBAND knows), a vasectomy is WAY simpler and cheaper than a tubal.

Plus, here's the clincher, it takes TWO to make a baby.

So really, I have a word or two to say to your husband. Geez. Like it's ENTIRELY your responsibility to NOT get pregnant.

Congratulations. I'd have LOVED to have such a great big family!

:)

I come from a large family of large families. I started late and only have 3 kids, but most of the moms in my extended family have AT LEAST 7 kids.

To be honest, in your situation, one more won't put you over the edge to total obliteration. I know it sounds simplistic, but it's really true. You're already living moderately with no enormous cushion and savings and all that. One more baby won't change that. Your older ones are old enough to help, the youngest ones don't need their own rooms etc. Your husband will come around, I PROMISE. My husband didn't want any of his three, but now he doesn't know what he'd do without them. Your husband won't love number 6 any less when he/she arrives.

I understand you want other people to be excited, but you cant' make them be. Friends and family saying it would be tragic are jerks to say such a thing. And no one can make you go through an abortion. Don't listen to the relatives, it's really none of their business.

My closest step sister just had her 7th and she's the sweetest little baby ever. Yes, their kids work hard, buy all their own stuff, have to chip into the family, etc and don't have college money provided by parents, but you know what, they're THE MOST awesome and self sufficient kids I know. They even take time to go help out my mom with my grandma who lives with her and needs total care. There are always kids around cleaning and doing favors. The older ones get scholarships to college. Every child is a gift. When you're already pregnant with a family well equipped for kids, imo, that's not the time to START thinking about birth control.

This will be OK, try not to worry. You want the baby. That's all you need to know. If hubby didn't want one, the birth control should have been air tight. He knows that. His reaction is normal, but this will be OK.

Ok, I am all for a persons right to choose, but I have a feeling your husband is just freaked out.

Just have him calm down and realize that things are going to be ok. You can always have the 2 youngest share a room until the eldest goes off to college. Sharing a room when young is not a bog deal. It becomes a big deal when they are older.

You all can stretch the food you will already be eating to add one more. When people ask what do you need, diapers will be the big deal for a while.. the rest you probably have covered or can ask others if you can borrow a crib, an extra high chair, whatever..

The child care is the main concern,. Is there anyway for you to do any of the work from your home? Computers are an amazing thing.. Maybe hire a person to help at your home for a few hours a day?

Try to think outside of the box. I would hate for you guys to have any regrets. You are a couple. And it took two to make this baby.

I really think he is just in shock. Give him a little time. But always follow your mommy heart and brain and then,, NO regrets.

Questions like this are hard for me. I can't imagine the position you must be in, nor can I fully relate the challenge of raising that many children. My prayers and support are with you - and your husband!

I wonder if I could offer a different perspective by telling a piece of my own story. My first pregnancy was incredibly difficult! I threw up a minimum of 8 times per day. I was constantly sick, constantly exhausted, etc. Still, my husband and I had tried for over a year, and I was excited to bring a baby home. At our ultrasound, we found out that we were expecting not one baby, but two. The minute I heard, I started crying - and not because I was excited. I was petrified! My husband was out of work; I was working more than fulltime to help support us. One baby was going to be a stretch - 2 might just bankrupt us.

About an hour after our ultrasound, our doctor called and had us come back in. When we met with him, we found out that one of our babies had died at 17 weeks. The other was barely holding on. One week after our ultrasound, I was induced and delivered indentical twin boys.

Both were stillborn.

Looking back, I remember the fear and apprehension I had at the thought of twins. Now, I would give anything - absolutely anything - to have those precious baby boys here with us. They would be 2 this coming June.

I don't know if, at this point, you can really step back to see the full picture. But if you and your husband can for just a moment, think about what you are giving up. On one side, you might lose extra sleep, money, etc. On the other, you lose your baby. From where I sit, there is just no question.

I don't mean this to pressure you in any way, but sometimes, all you need is a little outside perspective. This is your baby. Don't let finances ruin that opportunity. Yeah, it's scary and yeah, maybe your life won't look the way you thought it would. But who knows, maybe it will just get better.

So you'll have 6 kids.
Hubby could have had a vasectomy at any time and he didn't.
So, like it or not, he enabled the conceiving of this child.
If he's so sure he wants no more, he can get snipped and take care of it.
In the mean time he's only got himself to be upset with so don't let him deflect any of this on you.

If you WANT your child, then that's the answer. Whatever happens next, you start with that fact. Tell him abortion is off the table. He needs to man up. You did not create this child alone.

Your husband has enough children and is adult enough to know that when you have sex, no matter who is calculating and how accurately it's done, no matter the form of birth control, unless the birth control is "no sex" or "hysterectomy" then there's always a chance of getting pregnant.

This is simple to me. If you want the baby, no matter what else is going on then that's your answer. You'll regret terminating the pregnancy more than you'll regret having her based on what you've written, in my honest opinion.

Welcome to the site!

And I've gotta say: CONGRATULATIONS!
I'm sorry you have received some snarky comments.

Fact is, there's a baby. Your husband was JUST as involved in this as you were. Now he's all taking "the lead" in what to do about it?
You said it yourself: "In all honesty, I WANT my baby...."
There's your answer.
The family being excited will come in time.
Your husband is most likely panicking.
He needs a vasectomy--yesterday. Let HIM take the responsibility for something he obviously feels so strongly about.
Kids share rooms, food, clothes, space and resources every day! No biggie.
Best of luck to you!

I think you and your husband are in shock and disbelief and need some time to breathe and think before you make a decision. See a doctor and work from there. If you're certain you don't want to abort tell your husband that and remind him he didn't agree with abortion until just now.

I know that adoption seems a terribly scary road right now and it certainly isn't for everyone but I wanted to let you know my experience. I was adopted. My birth mother had 6 children at home when she gave me up. My birth father had one child when I came into the picture. My birth parents were both divorced (from other people) and were in a "casual relationship". I've never spent a single second of my life wondering why my siblings got to stay but my birth parents gave me up. NEVER!!! Until I read your post the entire idea never crossed my mind. I'm just thankful they did :) I have the BEST family EVER!!! I've never given a second thought to being adopted. I do understand what you mean about giving this one up and the others understanding what's going on. That would be difficult for anyone. I don't know that I could do it. I just wanted to throw out an experience that not many have just so you know it doesn't have to be a bad experience should you choose that route.

It sounds to me like you're on board with having this baby and if that is the right decision for you you need to tell anyone else who has something negative to say to BUGGER OFF! They are not in your shoes. Who cares what they think. Not to mention that once the shock wears off and the baby is here they'll forget they ever had a negative opinion. It's funny how a sweet little one can do that to a person :)

I'm sorry your husband is saying things I'd bet he's going to regret. Give him a minute to take in the situation. Have a very calm, loving discussion with him about this. Considering his previous stance on abortion I bet he'll change his tune when you remind him that this is HIS baby, HIS flesh and blood that he's willing to terminate so quickly. What if you guys had decided to terminate your pregnancies with one of your other kids. Could he even imagine not having each of those kids in his life? I'm sure he's just shocked and overwhelmed and those are all normal feelings. It's painful for you to hear since he's the dad and you feel so differently.

Once you guys have taken a beat to absorb this new development and are able to speak rationally and less emotionally you BOTH can work out a plan for the family that works for everyone. Once you get a little further along and know that all is well include the kids in the process. You guys probably have all the baby stuff (or know people who will let you borrow). So what's left? So a kid shares a room with the baby. They'll probably grow to be very close. Really, what's the difference in feeding 6 rather than 5? Little kids don't eat that much anyway ;) So there's a little shuffling around that needs to be done. No big deal. Hey, you take care of 5 on a regular basis! You've got this down. 6 will be a breeze. Watch an episode of the Duggar's show. They have 20 and don't bat an eye.

Your husband should certainly have a say in this decision but so should you. You need to come to a decision together. If you don't do it together one of you will end up resenting the other for forcing a decision and it will tear you apart. It CAN be done as long as you and your husband agree to make that commitment TOGETHER. If you don't do it together the entire family will fall apart. Seek counseling if neither of you is able to come around to other possibilities/ideas. Your kids need you guys to be well for them.

P.S. Call tomorrow and make his vasectomy appointment and then write it in his calendar. Done.

J.:

Welcome to Mamapedia. I see this is your first post.

I don't know whether to congratulate you or say I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude.

I think this is going to take some time to let it all sink in. If you don't have insurance anymore - how are you going to handle the costs associated with this pregnancy?

I know I would handle it by telling the family that this is how it is and you and your family will need their support. If they can't give it to you - it's their loss.
I will pray that it will all work out for you. I wish I had better support. I bet this is a tough situation.

This is your son or daughter we are talking about, right? Please don't make your offspring pay for your calculation error with his or her life. Take responsibility for this precious life and embrace it. There is government assistance to help you get prenatal care and your delivery covered and marriage counseling for you and your husband. Abortion has long lasting effects and it NEVER solves relationship problems. Trust me on this one....I've seem MANY women in my practice still regretting their decision to terminate to salvage a relationship badly battered already. Sounds like you have some trust issues in your relationship and a husband that doesn't accept responsibility for his actions well.
It's to late to prevent this pregnancy, but you can prevent more. Insist on info in your second and third trimester regarding permanent birth control. Medicaid will cover tubal ligations if proper paper work is completed before the delivery. Natural family planning just isn't that effective if you aren't charting, taking temps daily, observing cervical mucus, etc. It's especially difficult to make it effective if you have irregular cycles.
I truly wish you the best and pray you hold fast to your desire to have this baby. His or her life depends on it. Humans make mistakes, but God never does (especially when He creates a baby!).

No advice, but sad to hear so many of the moms on here are being so harsh. It is a scary thing you are going through!

I sort of understand what you are going through. I have two kids and would LOVE to have more. However, since my husband is in school and works and I stay at home, we don't have a lot of money and basically live like college students. Family members are always saying we shouldn't have any more kids...I think it's mostly because they know we struggle a lot financially and because I do probably 99% to 100% of the parenting and housework and any more kids would be hard.

A few weeks ago I was late and I felt strange...I had felt nauseated, lots of lots of cramping...stuff that could be period or pregnancy related. I was just sure I was pregnant. I was super excited, but also super scared at the same time. I knew lots of people wouldn't be happy at first (including my husband) but I knew they would come around. It was all I could think about. Then, I got my period. I felt both relief and sadness.

So, my story isn't the exact same as yours but I know it's a scary thing and wish you the best with whatever you decide to do...I know you will make the right decision for you and your family :-)

You are so early in that if you decide you don't want the fetus you don't even have to have a classic abortion. They can give you medication to induce a miscarriage, and the cells are so small they will more than likely pass on their own with no further medical intervention. If this sounds like something you may want to consider, contact your local PP ASAP because with the medications you need to take them as early in as possible.

If you decide you want to keep it, than your life will change alot. You have to decide what is best for you and your family.

I would have your husband check into getting a Vasectomy. They are easier and way cheaper, and he will be in and out in 20 minutes, with about 2 days of minor discomfort. My husband had his on Friday, and was fine and back to work on Monday.

PS, those supposed videos of abortions one person recommended you watch, they are fake. At 5-8 weeks what tissue comes out is the size of one of the letters in this post.

In short: You gotta go with your gut.

It may be hard, but if you want this baby and you do NOT want an abortion, then do NOT do so. Adoption: I think you've thought this thru and probably accurately described your future thoughts well. For one of us to say yes, abort, and another to say "no, that's a life" is not for us to decide or tell you.

I'm sure, if you keep this baby, changes will have to be made, but honestly, if it were me, I could not warrant killing a life inside of me for such inconveniences as 'sharing a room' and money being tight. Adjustments can be made. You can learn to knit and sell baby hats and clothes for your own new baby. People love buying baby things, even if it is your 6th child. If indeed money is so tight, you should easily qualify for some sort of aid, be it foodstamps or WIC or medical care.

Pray about this. I will keep you in my prayers. This has got to be a very stressful time for you. Hopefully your husband will come around and not change his beliefs simply due to inconvenience. I was just reading Cheryl O's question about financial responsibility and heck -your husband is as much to 'blame' for this pregnancy as you are. You didn't get pregnant on your own! If he was that worried about it all, he needed to be tracking your cycle! I may not be a fan of people demanding a handout to raise their kid, but I would rather you keep that child alive and help you where you need help than have you abort.

Added: I totally agree with Cheryl, to sit your family down and say something like "I know you think we're idiots for getting pregnant with number 6, but I cannot and will not abort the baby ... I cannot fathom the idea of giving my child to someone else after carrying it for 9 months. We need your support, both emotionally and financially......" (by the way J., I don't think you're an idiot. But my friend with 5 kids hears a lot from her family members about how she needs to get her tubes tied and how they're irresponsible .... )

This baby is not going to ruin your family financially. You will be abundantly blessed to have him/her in your life. Please be a good example to your children and family by being happy that God chose your family for this child. Tell your husband to breathe and stop saying things he will be ashamed of later on.

My grandparents had 8 children in a three bedroom house on one income. I think you can make it.

Why is this a surprise??? Two adults played roulette with conceiving a baby...neither of you should be shocked or angry, sorry. I really don't see the difference going from five to six at this point. I wonder if your family doesn't have health insurance if that is still the case.

Babies can share rooms. It is not that much incremental increase for food or clothing costs.

If your husband was THAT against having another child he would have had a vasectomy or you would have had a tubal ligation (I always, always double check authorizations).

I think that right now you both are freaking out and are stressed out.

Try to relax and feel the love growing inside of you.

This beautiful baby is a gift from God.

Give your husband time.

Everything will work out.

I'm sorry you are going through this. And people think my husbands a jerk. I can tell you without a doubt, my husband would NEVER consider abortion.

You will figure this all out. It's your child. You can watch 4 children without being licensed in Missouri. Sharing a bedroom never hurt ANY child. Licensed caregivers watch 10 kids all the time by themselves. So you can watch 10 kids with 4 of them not being yours. Charge 90-120 per week, depending on what they charge in your area, times 4 kids. Just think about how much money that adds up to over a years time. Watch one or two at night and you are going to be able to deduct most of your utilities from your income. So much of what you make will be tax deductible. Your life barely changes.

VAN... I read recently that someone was able to find a seat for their van that seats 3 instead of 2. That middle seat that seats 2 is why it's an 7 seater. So go to a junk yard and find a seat that works. For a few hundred dollars you have an 8 seater.

What can I say. You have come full circle before I even finished reading the post. I want to say Good for you! Our legacy is truly our children. You are rich beyond what you realize! Congratulations!

Ok, you have gotten loads of different opinions here, but I will add mine so here comes one more.......................
YOU did not get pregnant ALONE. You are NOT teenagers, and BOTH you and the hubby were aware of your birth control methods, and the fact that they could not be counted on 100%. If he was really all that against having another child and neither of you could afford to have surgery to prevent it, why not use the most basic form that we ask our younger generation to use.. a condom? Obviously that is not 100% either, but it IS better than nothing.
So, fast forward to now. It appears that you are in fact pregnant. First, you need to be sure, and also that it is not a tubal pregnancy, which would stop all of the arguing anyway, so go to the doctor or clinic. Then once you find out the facts, and know for sure, then YOU need to decide what you want to do. Yes, the pregnancy was unexpected and a surprise. Unplanned pregnancies are usually hard to adjust to at first. This doesn't mean that it can't be done. With all of the kids in your home, I am sure that there are days that YOU even feel that you don't "need" anymore kids, but the fact is that it looks like you may be getting one. (need or not) I am in no way pro abortion or against it. I believe that EVERY woman has the right to decide what is right for HER, her family, and her life. (sorry to all of the pro lifers out there, I just see t as a personal choice) YOU have to ultimatly make this choice, and live with it for the rest of your life. Yes, if you choose to keep the baby it will change your hubby and kids lives, but if you choose to get an abortion, well, that will change your life as well. (believe it or not, that changes his life too, although he may not realize it right now) I say think long and hard about the pros and cons of having this child, and the reasons that you would consider NOT keeping him or her. Honestly, one more child in your home really isn't going to make or break you at this point. (sorry, but I feel it's true) Kids can share bedrooms, and I ran a home daycare for over 11 years to keep from having to put my own kids in a daycare so I could work. I made great money and even got to write off many of our expenses at home as business expenses. There are so many ways to work around these things. On the other hand, if you do decide to terminate the preg., do NOT let anyone make you feel like a bad person for doing it. I am not sure of your age, but a friend of mine had a similar experience and decided to go through with her pregnancy anyway, and later found out that her baby had Down syndrome. She is VERY happy that she decided to keep her baby, and loves her to death.. but I am not sure that I would have the strength that she does on a daily basis to care for that child along with all of her other kids. Maybe I would. Who knows. You usually do fine dealing with whatever God hands you, but I thought that maybe you should consider all of the possibilities. I really do believe that your hubby would come around, and if he doesn't well, do you feel that there are issues deeper than this pregnancy? I don't know, you should do what YOU feel is right. In the end it is YOU who will have to carry the burden, whether it is an actual pregnancy or whatever residual feelings from terminating one. Good luck! I will have your family in my prayers! :)

First off congratulations! Your husband will come around. He's probably still in shock. Remind him it could be worse...I dropped my son off at a birthday party over the weekend and when I was talking to the Mom, she asked if I ever met her triplets!...She had already had 5 kids and got pregnant again (on accident) and had triplets. I couldn't even imagine...but she seemed happy as ever. Her kids are 18, 15, 9, 4, 2 and 1 yr old triplets.

honey, this is your baby, and I think you'd resent your husband forever if you got that abortion. best of luck to you and congratulations. things will work out. you might have to ask family for help, but that's what they are for (in a totally separate type of experience, we have had to ask family and friends for $$$$ recently, and they have helped with love. I NEVER thought we'd be in that kind of situation, but here we are, and they have come through like you wouldn't believe!).

I cannot tell you what you should do, but I want to say that you should first see a doctor to make sure that you are indeed pregnant, and to know what your options are if you are. If possible, have your husband there for this is something that involves both of you. It may take a few days to get used to the idea, and the shock of having to make such a decision. You should not do anything that you are not comfortable with. If the child would be provided for, loved, and a surprise to all of you, then do not have the abortion. If there is no way emotionally, financially, or otherwise to add the baby to your household, consider adoption or abortion. If you choose abortion, I would not tell the other children about it, as it is something between you and your doctor, and it might upset them as they may not be mature enough to understand why it was necessary. Whatever you decide, accept the support of family and friends, but if they are critical of you, tune it out. Congrats on the news and I hope that you find a way to make the adjustments, and can make a decision that will give you peace.

I haven't read through all the replies, and I don't have any advice on the majority of your post, but I can speak to the last paragraph.

I had the same thing happen with my test with this little one. Freaked me out a little. I googled it and found out that EPT tells moms who call about this situation that when the test line is really dark (and really positive) it will actually pull color from the test line, thus the faint line. Nothing wrong whatsoever.

Good luck. You have a difficult road ahead of you. You sound like you'll be able to get through it just fine, though.

Hi J.-
I know you already have lots of answers but wanted to chime in my experience as an adoptive mother. If you decide not to parent this child, please consider adoption over abortion. My son's birthmother had 3 children at home and placed him for adoption with us, for which we are eternally grateful. As I read in some of the other letters, this is not uncommon. There are lots of options depending upon what you are comfortable with for having contact with your child and having him or her know his siblings. If you want to know more about this as an option for your family, I encourage you to contact a social worker or adoption specialist. They can at least talk you through it. But if you have any doubts, you need to follow your heart no matter what. Best of luck in whatever you do!

Wow, I read this yesterday and wanted some time to think. It looks like you've rec'd lots of responses and I'm sure more bad than good.
I guess I would have to ask your husband, how could you abort when you're married with 5 children? And most importantly, we all know the circumstances of "sex". I would be so blessed to have more than one child and couldn't even think of aboration. There are so many women like me who went through so much to be blessed enough to have one child. One.
I hope you can talk to your husband and/or have someone talk to him. You and your family are in my prayers and I wish you the best of luck.

CONGRATULATIONS;) I have 5 children, all are grown now, yes we survived! At one point I was a single mom with 5 kids!! You make changes, you adjust, you do what you have to and they will grow up and you'll be looking back wondering how you did it! NONE of my children were planned, I did not want kids for at least 5 years after being married, yep, not in the plan...married for 5 months, got pregnant...had a miscarriage. Got pregnant again right away without knowing why...my pills were taken every day like clock work!! Long story short...5th pregnancy, I was at the ER because I didn't know why I was hurting so bad, cramping a lot, I had been treated for a tubal infection, they thought it was a flare up from that...nope! I was pregnant...doctor asked if I was on birth control pills and then told me it wouldn't matter because my medication for my epilepsy wiped out the birth control pills!!!

Would I change it, NOPE not for a second!! So congratulations on your decision and know that you made the right one;)

L.

Just wanted to say I'm glad you found peace in your answer and congratulations and good luck! I imagine this will be difficult for a few weeks yet, but as you said, your husband will come around. I only have 2 kids, but I will honestly tell you I would freak my freak if I found out I was pregnant again, so you shouldn't feel shame in considering all your options.