Joint Custody - Haircut an Issue?

ok this will sound very bad but read it all.

when i was little i wanted short hair but my mom didnt...i got a hold of her scissors and started it myself so my parents had no choice but to give me short hair. my advice if you have a pair of kids scissors that happen to get left out and she happens to cut her hair (they have those barbie hair dresser kits that come with them they dont do that great of a job but its cause to get a cut).

IT SOUNDS BAD BUT IT SHOULD WORK.

K.
(my husband approves of this idea so just remind her before using scissors that they dont go near her eyes.)

let us know how it goes

If he has joint custody of her then he also allowed to make decisions regardless if she likes it or not. If the daughter keeps asking then i would go ahead and do it. She knows enough to know that she wants short hair.

You say that he has joint custody does that include that they share joint legal and physical. My husband went thur that with his ex also she would never let him do anything with his twin boys. It got to the point that even buying clothes was a battle she always wanted them to be dressed the same and we told her that they are not the same child they are 2 lil boys not one. The one visit for a week they would come and they needed a haircut we asked if she would want them to go and od course she said no. He contacted his lawyer and his lawyer told him that as long as he is not doing anything to harm them he could do whatever he wanted to do. Hair will grow back. If your step-daughter was sick I''m sure her mom would want you to get her treated. At the age that she is at I would say yes she should be able to say if she wants short hair like her sister. She would do the same with children she plays with or goes to school with. I would not ask mom no more and take her and get it done. What can she possily do yell at you. Oh well then let her yell. I bet she would look cute with it short and with the warmer weather comeing she will love it.

If your husband and his ex wife share custody, then he has the right to make the decision also..plus childrens hair grow fast so its not gonna make a difference. I dont see what the problem is with her. She is just jealous i think. Children have rights too.

Look, stop making an issue here. It's ridiculous that you're creating drama for a child that is not your own. If the mother has asked you to leave it alone, leave it alone. Drop it.
This stuff is h*** o* kids and more times than not, the non-parent seems to be overly involved in issues such as these.
There are going to be bigger issues come along than hairstyles. It's not up to you to cart the child in and cut her hair if her mother has said no.
If your child was at a sleepover and another mother decided she'd just like to lop off her hair, would you smile and nod? I don't think so.
I doubt very much that "dad" really cares about the hair.
You, girlfriend, are making trouble. Stop it.

Hi. As far as the legal aspects, it depends on whether your husband and his ex have joint physical custody. However, with joint legal custody, his ex can probably make a stink over the haircut if she wants to- though it probably wouldn't score her many points with the court.

I love my 4 year old daughter's hair long, but she has told me she wants it short. I promised her father I'd keep it long, and we have joint legal as well as physical custody, so I don't plan on getting it cut without touching base with him.

But I don't think her age is the issue- cutting doesn't expose her to harsh chemicals, as coloring it pink might. I remember that when I was 6 I begged my mom for a really short haircut. She let me get it. It was ugly- but guess what? It grew back!!! And I was happy to have some control and I guess I liked it at the time. Besides, when my mom made the dicisions about my hair I wound up with a Mullett!!! (I can't be too h*** o* ther though- it was the 70s.).

Good luck, and don't obsess about it too much. In the scheme of things there will probably be much bigger battles to pick when it comes to parenting issues with your husband's ex. Unless it's really upsetting his daughter, you don't have to pick this one.

With joint custody each parent has equal say so in the matter. It's out of courtesy that one parnet would ask the other parents permission. If she resides with her mother full time and only 'visits' her father say every weekend or every other weekend, then I think the mothers wishes should be respected. If the child resides with either parent about equal time then I feel it is up to the individual parent. Worse case scenerio, you can get her hair cut, the mother will have a fit. But it is only hair, it will grow back! I really don't think there is anything legal she could do about it. Just make sure the child understands that once her hair is cut short if she winds up not liking it will take time to grow back.
D.

Leave the hair aloone. Yes It will start a major war if you go ahead and cut it.
maybe you should get her some new claw clips and twist it up for her, or can you french braid it in a pigtail style?
It is natural to want to give the kids what they want, especially if you are weekend mothering her, but remember how you would feel if the tables were turned, and your daughter was going to another house with her dad and a wife.. and came home with her ears pierced or hair cut... against your wishes.
Just let the subject drop for now. 5 years old is old enough to know what they want, but not get everything they want either.
Never disrespect her mother, you will always regret it. Just do the best you can with the situation as it is, no matter what the subject.

I am somebody who would prefer my little girl to have long hair. To be honest, if I were the little girl's mother, I am not sure that having a step-sister with a short haircut would be enough to make me change my opinion of that.

Think about it like this: if she cuts her daughter's hair the way you cut your daughter's, that is like you choosing her daughter's hairstyle, and ultimatey being the authority as to who has decisions in her child's life in these very personal choices.

Also, I don't believe 5 year olds are the last voice in making decisions. That is why they have parents.

Four years old? Sorry, but at that age Mom and Dad still need to make the decisions. Since it is joint custody and they can't seem to agree I wouldn't cut the hair unless you want a big war. PreSchoolers will tell you what they think you want to hear and change their mind daily. Stop bringing up the hair topic and if she does make it a non-issue by telling the child that if she wants it cut she will have to talk to her Mommy about it and that you aren't going to take her for a haircut. When she brings it up keep reinforcing the same answer and change the topic.
You will have bigger battles over the years to come, save your energy for the important things.

Hi Morgan, what a tough situation and i don't know if this helps, my son always wants to please everyone, for instance, he went to his grandmas on Saturday and Sunday, as she was driving him home, he kept telling her that he wanted to stay with "grandma" because that is what she wanted to hear, the second he pulled in, he was so excited to be home and told us that he never wanted to leave us :) (and he knew thats what i wanted to hear)
i don't know if its the same, but maybe it helps....can you have her ask her mom? the you would know if she really wanted it short.

After my divorce I have sole custody of my four daughters.My ex husband and my girls did not like their beautiful thick waist length hair cut very short like a boy.Since I have full custody I final say what haircuts my girls get.One day in May without warring. I took my girls to the local barber shop to cut their beautiful thick waist length hair very short like a boy After very short haircuts.My girls has very short boys hair my girls hate their very short boys haircuts but I love my girls very short boys haircut.I told my girls that you have no say what haircuts you get.You are keeping the very short haircuts from now on Every 2 week I will take my girls the barber shop to cut their very short hair from now on.My ex husband is sad when he see his daughters with very short hair My girls still get their very short hair trim every 2 week from on

I have a 5 year old and never ever would I let her make a decision like that for herself. 5 year olds are not responsible enough to make their own decisions. Also, 5 year olds are wishy washy. One minute the ywant this, one minute that. My 5 year old has asked me if she could have pink hair like Stephanie from Lazy town. Is that acceptable? Absolutely not. However I am super sensitive to hair cut issues because its family tradition for girls in my family to get their first haircut on their 5th birthday and my ex almost ruined that. Ultimately as far as the courts are concerned, in joint custody issues, the parent with whom the child has "primary residency" with, that is the school district the child attends, whats listed as their address at the doctor's, etc... has the final say on all disagreements.

Also, after reading other people's responses, I want you to know that she CAN take legal recourse against you should you decide to "do it anyways". That is barring that she is the primary residential parent, which should be listed in the agreement. Joint custody legally doesnt really mean anything because in the end, the primary residential parent has the final say in all matters no matter what the other parent says. If she is in fact the PRP, then I would't do anything without her permission because she could take your husband back to court and he could lose his "joint status" or visitation time based on the fact that hes deliberately going against the mother's wishes and permanantly changing his daughter's appearance (even though hair grows back, but it takes along time). I went through this and I wanted to know my rights as the Mother because my ex kept threatening to cut her hair just to spite me, and he could have gotten in deep had he done that. Just FYI.

As the mother of an 8 yr old little girl I feel that 5 is too young to make her own decisions on her apearance. If her mother wants her hair to be long then it should be left long. Does she spend more time with her mother? If so then I feel the decision should definately be left up to her mother. You put up hair, but once you cut it there's no putting it back. I did not let my daughter decide to cut her hair until she was 7. She had begged for a couple of years to get it cut. Hair is really a small issue when you consider everything. It would be best to keep the peace with her mother and not cut her hair. Try to tell your step daughter that you are letting her sisters hair grow out and hers too will be long soon. Maybe she'll change her mind on her own. In the mean time maybe you should stop calling them twins so they won't want to be so much alike.

It may or may not be a control thing. Whatever her reason, it's her right as a parent to have say as well. If you cannot convince her, you should not go against her wishes. It wouldn't be showing the girl the right kind of respect, and this could back fire on you someday. Right now you just need to explain to her that her mother has to ok it too, and if she wants to get her hair done, she needs to talk to her mom about it. It can be thought of as a control thing on you and her dads part too. It really isn't going to effect you two, she can only be angry at her mom for it, if she is the one stopping her. Who knows, her mom may have a very strong feeling about why she doesn't want her daughters hair cut, that may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your husband. If you want to try to talk with her and tell her that it would mean the world to her if she let her get her hair cut, then that may work better. If you really worry about the girl, and not the control situation, then you should be able to talk with her calm and rationally, about what she thinks is best, and why. Try and look at her side of things too, if you don't it will only hurt the girl, in the long and short run.

Let it go. Pick your battles. Daughter may be saying she wants her hair one way at your place, and different at moms. I am going through that right now. Daughter wants bangs at her dad's and step mom's. (stepsister has bangs) At my place she wants them long like her soon to be step sister. Well step mom decided to have a "compromise" and cut a thin little patch of bangs. So now my daughter has all these annoying little wispy hairs that get in the way of any hair style. It ticks me off because we spent over a year trying to grow her bangs out because daughter wanted them long. Bought tons of barretts, rubber bands, hair bands, etc. We were so close to having them long enough to pull into a ponytail!!! Plus daughter liked having her hair out of her face. Anyways, I am very annoyed that step mom didn't talk to me, or even her husband! Dad is not happy right now either. Daughter's hair was always my area, even when we were together, and I would appreciate it remaining my area, since step mom has butted in on everything else.,...sorry venting. Anyways, if mom says no, let it go. Let daughter convince mom. If you pick this fight now, don't be surprised if daughter comes back with purple streaks or pierced ears. Probably wouldn't be that extreme, but I think you get what I am saying.

I also think that MOM has control issues. When parents put the interest of the children into consideration and let them make decisions for themselves that empowers the children to make choices--good or bad and live with the consequences. If I were you I'd just stay out of it...mums the word--ya know. Let them deal with it. It shouldn't even be an issue...it's just hair. Her control is just serious negative energy that you are allowing to seep into you and your family. Ignore her...respect her decisions it's her child and if she's an ACTIVE parent...sees her, cares for her, respects her...then it'll all work out. They are not twins though...embrace the differences they have instead. Maybe this little girl wants her hair like her sisters because she thinks that will truly connect the two of them like true sisters...so find something else to focus on...that could connect them in this way (something you don't need her permission for).
Stay strong dude! Just stand up for yourself...in a way you can still respect yourself for. Don't deal with her at all! Let your husband do it...and don't get petty! Be the bigger person. MOM is just really insecure...and if you were in her shoes you would be insecure too.
Hope this helps to empower you a bit.

I can understand your frustrations but, what if the shoe was on the other foot? I say that the mom, especially of daughters should be able to say no if she wants too. You may be right about the contol issue but if I had a daughter ( I have two boys) and I wanted her hair long no one should be able to convince me otherwize. five year old are too young to make that dicision for themselves.

Five is certainly old enough to decide what length her hair should be! As for you not really being sure what she wants... ask her in a way that makes it okay no matter what the answer. She may be trying to please everyone so you all get a different answer. It's HAIR. It grows back. That said, you need to make her understand it is okay no matter what she wants. Then you need to relay that attitude to her mother. I wouldn't go behind her back and cut it but I would try to make it a conversation that puts the child's wishes first and not what the adults want.

I just read everyone's responses, and Tara is incorrect. Unless the decree states that the mother gets the final say in all decisions then it doesn't matter if she is the primary custodian or not. Joint custody does mean something, it means the parents make decisions jointly!!!
It sounds like the Mom is just digging her heals in. I am a step mother and deal with it all the time so I know how frustrating it is. Just remember that hair is a little deal....save your energy for the big fights that really effect the child....when she's old enough she's going to want her hair how she wants it anyway.

I don't know... My son at age three wanted a mohawk (cause his dad had one) and he got one. It grows back. Custody is a tricky thing though.... Depending on what the custody papers say, she has the right to make that decision, leaving dad and you powerless. I would say that if the father isnt even on the birth certificate than he doesnt really have any legal rights... that sounds like a bigger issue. He should take her to court and get both Joint Physical and Joint Legal custody, that way he can make those desicions without there being such an issue. Though it is good for parents to agree on the rearing of their child(ren), some people totally use a child to play power games and it is truly sad. Anyway, it's hair.... it grows back... there is a bigger issue here, that should be dealt with first.

i agree with your family it should be up to the child. i am a hairstylist and i can't even tell you how many kid's come in and leave extremely upset because their parents make them do something with their hair that they don't want i feel horrible but i have to go by what the parents say. good luck and just go by what you guys think feel's right weither it will make her upset or not.