Jealous Older Brother

This keeps up (bad behavior) find a babysitter for the 5 year old. Someone who is older and knows how to handle a child (grandparents, aunt, uncle, etc) and let him know it is because he won't behave.

N.

As harsh as it may sound, I would tell your older son that if he does not stop he will not be going to the party. What he is saying might not be true, but he needs to know it's not OK to even say them. Maybe you can give him an important job at the party or extra tokens, but only if he stops this behavior.

This will sound harsh...but it's what I would do.

Tell him that if he doesn't knock it off and act like a nice guest at his brother's party, then you will find him a sitter and he doesn't get to go.

My 4 year old is in a similar phase. She threw a snit at all the birthdays this season (there were four or five) because she didn't have presents to open. By the time the present time rolled around, we had talked enough where she could at least keep the sneer off of her face. She had to understand that ruining her brothers/aunts/uncles/grandmas birthday party with her whining was unacceptable and would result in her not getting cake/not getting to play with her cousins/etc.

??

you should just keep reassuring him that when it's his birthday he gets to have the presents and the cake but this is his brother's birthday . I know my sister hated it when it was my birthday because during Christmas I would get more presents and stuff. My birthday is Jan.20th and her and I have two separate dads so I always got more stuff. But my dad never left my sister out either. He always bought her something to to make her feel better. He needs to learn that not every celebration is all about him and this his little brother only gets to celebrate his birthday once a year just like he does. my son is only 9 months right now and his little brother isn't due until end of April beginning of May so I haven't hit your stage yet.

He may throw a fit and cry about it but he will get over it. I am more old school then most moms even though I am only 22 almost 23. I was raised like that. My parents never caved and bought me a toy on my sisters birthday or vice versa. Don't worry I sure this is a phase he will grow out of, I believe every child goes through it, but the jealousy will probably never go away even as they get older hahaha.

The way I am is just me though, to me some of the other things other moms do to try and appease both children don't agree with me, but that is their parenting style not mine. Do what you think is best. Good luck. :) And I hope your son has a very happy birthday.

A.

well you sit him down and you tell him- There are two kids in this house which means two birthdays. If you don't behave at your brothers birthday and stop acting like a spoiled baby there will only be ONE birthday party this year.

Jealousy is a personality trait that needs to be carefully handled so that it doesn't enter into every aspect of his life as he gets older.
If he is spouting untruths stop him and tell him exaggerating or making things up will not be tolerated.
He needs special time alone with you and with his father so you can say to him " You had time with me at the zoo alone this week. This is your brother's time."

Some things pop up for me here. First, your 5 year old's desire for attention needs to be acknowledged (as you have done) and given fair and appropriate limits, with reasonable expectations on your and your husband's ends.

It's hard for adults to imagine how big a birthday party might feel for a child, especially a young one. They are very strange affairs at this age, because there's only one birthday person, and they usually wear something special that no one else gets, like a crown, and then they are often the only one to open special presents (goody bags are nice, but they aren't the same, they are a consolation prize of sorts), often while the other kids are watching. I know that Birthday parties are Big Deals for little kids, and they are also about as 'unspecial' as you can feel if you are not the birthday kid, so for some kids, this can be very, very hard.

Your five year old is expressing a pretty loud fear of this feeling. He doesn't want to be on the sidelines while his little brother gets all the attention, and this may be what it feels like to him---likely subconciously as well, so that he may not even be able to articulate his feelings. If it were me, however, I'd go with what my son had said and give him a choice. Offer to get him a babysitter for Saturday, or see if you could arrange a playdate for him during the time of the party.

The reason I suggest this is because giving him a choice about attending or not might help him decide to feel okay about the party if he's got it in him. Or maybe, you know, sometimes kids just don't have it in them, and then we can be gracious and say, "You know what, I think we could give you the choice of having a different fun thing to do elsewhere, or you could come and have pizza and get along." If he chose to come and have pizza, then you and your husband could have a backup plan if things got bad.

I'm just curious, by the way, if you do have any fears of your older son acting out? You used the word enraged, so forgive me if I read it wrong.:)

Having these positive choices offers your son context for what's appropriate, gives expectations, and provides you with a few options. To be honest, aside from using a calendar and marking off days, your eldest may not be consoled by the promise his birthday is coming soon. You could try doing a paper chain (where you take off one link per day), too. If it's his sense of showmanship that's offended, though, giving him opportunities to be the focus of attention with someone else during the time of the party can be very positive choices if presented as options and not punishment. Tell him you'll save him some cake, and this can also eliminate some of the hard feelings he might direct toward his brother too, which is also important.

One book I would suggest for situations such as these is JoAnn Nordling's "Taking Charge". This book posits that while children have their own strong feelings regarding events, responsibilities, etc., we can acknowledge those feelings and still do what's best for the whole family. Your older son may have a challenge in finding ways to share the spotlight with others, and he'll have to get over it in his own time. What you can do is make boundaries where you can and find options which help keep a bigger event like this sane for the sake of everyone concerned.

For what it's worth, I have a sibling who has a three boys. It's common for the bigger birthday party to be a family affair, and then the birthday boy goes alone with mom or dad to meet with a couple other kids for a special event. This way, the other brothers aren't feeling 'on the fringe'.

Hope your son (and you) have a great birthday/birth-day!

H.

I wish I could think of the Bearenstain Bears book in which Sister is jealous of Brother bear on his birthday. I think it could be "trouble with jealousy", maybe. You could try to google it or look for it at your library. Others that might be helpful are "Too Much Birthday", "Trouble With Friends," "Get the Gimmies," "Forget Their Manners," and "Get in a Fight." They all have nice morals to the story. I don't know if they would help your situation or not. Good luck!

Updated

I just googled it. It's called The Bearenstain Bears and The Green Eyed Monster. The story is centered around Sister being jealous of Brother on his birthday.