Is It Worth It? Repairing a Relationship with a Family Member

I did not have much of a relationship with my mother until I was 34. Until then, I would have actual physical pain every time I knew I was going to see her. I tried and tried. talked and talked, Distanced and stopped talking....

Until one day I looked at my perfect baby and realized that my mom was born perfect, too. Then I tried to imagine what it would take to turn my sweet little girl into an insecure, tyrannical control freak like my mother. I realized that she is a pre-emptive emotional attacker. It's the only way she feels safe. It broke my heart.

So I changed. I decided to stop being her daughter and start being the mother she always wanted. I love her unconditionally, with patience and when she behaves badly, I explain it to her the same way I explain things to my kids. I don't get mad at her. I don't let her know that this is my plan, but I think that for the first time in her life, she feels loved and accepted. I DO fail at this sometimes, and Vipassana meditation helps me stay focused. But it works! I am now very close to her. I don't have the Brady mom, I have my mom, and all of a sudden, that is enough for me. It is perfect, in fact, because I accept what I have and not what my fantasy of a mom is.

With that said, if she hurts my children, they become off limits to her. My first job is to protect them. And I tell her exactly why and let her know what exactly needs to change. She doesn't appologize or anything, but she does change. No one will hurt my children the way I felt hurt. But everyone deserves a chance to grow, even if their egos are big.

I can't tell you how liberating it is. If you want to know more about how I came to this, I'd be happy to share it with you in PM.

I DO think it is worth it to reconcile, but you have to come to a peaceful place about it first and accept who he is, not who you want him to be. Then you can start to have a relationship with him on those terms. You cannot change him, but if you are graceful you give him a space in which to grow.

I wish you the best.

Please forgive me, i did not read the responses....

I wanted to share my story with you. (the short version) My father was very abusive. I mean making me sleep in a shed and eating out of trash abusive. I do speak to him. Like you, it took until after i had kids. I don't have a very open relationship, just a hi, how are you kind of relationship. What i remind myself everyday is that he is sick. He has a disease. BUT, he is still my father. I choose when i want to talk to him, see him, deal with him....etc. I do this because i want to make sure that when he passes... i am at peace. I know this is probably hard to understand. I feel like if i can hold the cards, i finally have the control. Maybe this sounds weird... i don't know....

I am not saying what he did (or any abusive dad) was right. I try my best to forgive... in telling myself that he has a problem that he won't see or admit. It is not me or my problem. If you feel that it is affecting your kids or is not working for you... that is ok. We are all different. My sister had a very hard time finally talking to our father.

I am so sorry that my post is all over the place :( It is a hard subject to deal with. I hope that i could be of some help.

It doesn't appear that your father wants the same relationship that you would like to have. I'd say to cut your losses and concentrate on your family and your child's feelings. Unfortunately some parents just aren't loving and caring. In my life my mom is wonderful to everyone except her family. I'm sure that people would be shocked to see how we are treated. She's always been like this and I don't see things getting better any time in the future.

You're living in what sounds like a draining, unsatisfied limbo, Molly. My heart hurts for you, because I have some family relationships that are as dysfunctional as what you are describing with your dad.

You make one statement in particular that seems to summarize your predicament: "I am not expecting him to change, but I would like to see this resolved." I wonder just what you mean by "resolution," because I can't see any possibility of resolving anything here to your satisfaction, UNLESS he's willing to at least go so far as to admit he's hurt you. And that would break new ground on his part. That's huge. You're talking about his recovery from the hold his addiction and denial have on him.

Sounds like he's just not there yet. He may never be. So, for the time being, at least, haven't you reached a resolution – asking him to stay away from your family and seek help?

Are you part of an Al-Anon group? If he's an unrecovered drunk, you will do well to have the understanding and support of other adult children of alcoholics. I know several people who have found this life-changing, because they came to understand their own needs more clearly, and found healthier ways to meet them than trying to wring hope out of hopeless relationships.

The most miraculous thing a couple of them learned about those terrible relationships was that the alcoholic did change – after the family member began to find resolution for their own suffering. This doesn't always happen, and joining a group like this should be for you, not for your father. And that will be miracle enough. Help yourself in this way – please get the support you need to end this agonizing family drama.

i think we don't get to choose who our parents are, but once we are adults and have our own children we have that option of cutting people out of our lives. if it were just you, this thing between him and you, then maybe, maybe, i'd say try. but with children involved i would not contact him. i am sorry to say it though but he does not sound like he has changed one bit and if 20+ years have not make a difference for better in who he is then nothing will.

What is your father wanting by trying to contact you?

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship for you and for your kids. I think as parents it's our responsibility to model good relationships for our kids. Why should your children watch and listen to your father's criticisms of them and you just for the sake of having a relationship?

If he isn't willing to help himself with his issues in order to have a good relationship with you and your kids, I wouldn't undergo the pain it puts you through.

Best of luck!

If your father is not willing to acknowledge he has problem and issues, then nothing is going to change EVER. That is a hard pill to swallow, but the truth. Although you long to have a relationship with him, and get back what you have missed out on that is not possible with THIS man. And he isnt willing to change, he will continue to be this man. It's not crazy to want to work it out, it's being human and having feelings. I think you have done enough. Why continue to torture yourself, and put yourself and your family through it? It's hard to let go of the fantasy you long for, but it sounds like it's time. It doesnt mean there's anything wrong with you. You have tried. I would let your dad know that you have had enough. You love him and want things to work out, but if he's not willing to try you are done. Protect your heart now, since he never has. You owe that to yourself!

Molly,
My father was a raging alcoholic who died a tormented death resulting from alcohol. That said, he was my father. No matter how horrible, your parents are still your parents. I think a PP asked "why" you would even want a relationship with him. Duh. Cause he's your blood, kin, father.
I think the only thing worse than a drunk is a DRY drunk and I know you know what I mean. I suggest you go to Alanon. It WILL help you to deal with his behavior, as his behavior is still linked to his sickness, even though he is not drinking, he is still stuck in that rut. My dad never lived to see his grandson but I'm wondering what I would do in your shoes....I would probably meet him for lunch, just you and him. I would probably use myself as a barrier between him & my kids. If he is inappropriate again, I would ask him to leave my house. Good luck and God bless.

Yes you should try to repair the relationship because for you to be whole and move on with your life you must put closure to this.

Wow. I want to say that I think your question is very well written--very logical and clear.

I have not had a good relationship with my own father--nothing abusive, he just doesn't "get" me and comes of as a bit stiff and critical. I know that makes me sad, so I can imagine that your situation is about 10 times as hard...he sounds so unhappy and scared and alone...makes me wonder what made him that way.

I commend you for wanting to try to repair your relationship while protecting your family, and your sense of peace.

Trying to get your father to do joint counseling with you is a good idea, if you can make it happen. I would definitely try to find a counselor on your own first---someone you think your father wouldn't hate---so that if you do get him to come in with you, he will not be immediately repelled by the experience!

Good luck!!

I wonder if we don't have the same father. I think it is only natural that a child to crave approval and attention from a parent but what isn't, is wanting to be hurt and he is hurting you. You have not left this unresolved you gave him the answer with counseling. Either he takes it or he doesn't if he doesn't don't step foot in his house he will never change. Yes, move on and maintain control of the situation hopefully the kids will forget with time out of site out of mind you will learn to deal with your own grief about this in time. I wouldn't be surprised if he makes threats of courts or goes on to say more hurtful things to yourself or others.( That is what happened to me) I am happy to say I live 1000+ miles away from this disfunction and have not given my parents a way to contact me that is not written or documented . This method has worked for me for 10 years