Ok being a mom and wife we all know we generally put everyone else's needs first. I am no exception. But when if ever is it ok to stop and say ok.. now I want it to be my turn to do what I want?
I have been married for 6 years.. He is adopting my oldest (16) and we have a 4 and 5 yr olds together. Then I have 2 from my previous marriage ( 12 and13). He works 20 mins away from home M-Th straight 40 hours a week... unless there is over time. ( that is 2x a year for two weeks each time) He hates his factory job but doesn't like the unknown of new jobs, so he stays. He makes $9.50 an hour.
I work an hour away and LOVE my job working with troubled youth. My hours are every weekend and a couple days a week ( never know what ones until the week before). I normally get 45-50 (if not more) a week. I stay in the town where I work on Fri and Sat nights because I usually only have 8 hours off between shifts and with driving time that leaves less than 6 hours of sleep. I get paid $10.50 during the week and 11.50 on weekends.
I want to move to where I work. It is a bigger town than we live in now ( 500) but not that big ( around 5,000). He has known for the past 3 years I hate the town where we live. The only reason I stayed with out question is because of my two boys and the shared custody with their dad. But the kids are old enough now to choose where they want to live with, where as before our divorce agreement was, custody goes to the other parent if one moves out of the school district. I know there is a chance they will choose their dad, but Im not that far away to see them all the time if they do so. He knows I hate the house we live in. He knows I get down just coming home to it every day, I hate it that much. He doesn't like the house either, but not as bad as I do.
Right now there is a few places hiring in the town I want to move to... good jobs. The places start out at $10.50 and the other $11.50 an hour.
Our school district has an open enrollment so the older kids can still go to the same school, they will just have to drive a half hour there every day. Being my oldest is 16 that would be no problem and we could start the younger ones out in Kindergarten next year in the new town.
Rent would be not much different than we pay for a house payment now. Utilities are about the same so we wouldn't have much different than what we are paying out now.
He just doesn't want to move. He says he doesn't like the unknowns and starting over.. I understand that. But at what point can I say this is what I want to make me happy and will help us stay ahead with the better job opportunities than what we are doing now? (once we sell our house. But if we sell for what we owe on it instead of the value Im sure it wont be a problem. Im more than happy breaking even than getting ahead out of the deal)
Or am I just suppose to sit back and keep putting everyone else first to make them happy when Im not?
** Plus it will put me an hour away from my family.. but only an hour and half from his instead of 2 1/2 hrs away. So it would be a small bonus for him also as far as seeing his family.
Dana~ I did :( and while he agrees with most of what I said, he said he just doesn't like change even though its usually not that bad once you do it... its the beginning to do it that's that hard part and the part he doesn't like. He said he knows he is being kinda selfish ( his words... and he normally is not a selfish person! My words would be more along the lines of "petty") He just doesn't want to do it because of that. That's why Im asking all of you, your opinion on if I should keep pursuing him on this or just let it drop :)
***
the driving part... I drive an hour one way on days I work (minus the weekend, but that is still 3-4 days of driving) my husband drives 20 mins away 4 days a week. My oldest already has a car ( that he drives to school daily 15 mins with the other two, their school is in another town than we live in already so it will be only adding 15 mins extra to their drive). . It would drop our gas right now that we are paying to just my kids driving 5 days a week 30 mins one way. My oldest is in band.. so there is no other sports or events to attend to.
Yes it would be uprooting the family... but it would also give the family more oppertunities. We have nothing in our town we are in now but houses, a post office, a bank and 3 bars...
As for our house we are living in now.. It is valued at $30,000 and we owe $15,000 ( my husband is on board with selling at that). The average house for sale around us is going for around $55,000.
The only real chance I am taking with wanting to move is my ex fighting for the boys and winning. But like I said they are old enough to choose for themselves normally in court. Right now my ex doesn't take them on his days. My boys don't get along with their step-mom so she wont let them come over when my ex is not home... that is usually 20 days gone out of the month. She wants it to only be "her" family... ie her, my ex and their son. My boys see this and know this and usually choose to not go to his house right now as it is even when he is home and not have a side job to where he is "too busy" to take them. But I know there is always that chance that they could go with him. That is why I have never moved before and stayed in a town and house that I HATE is for them.
There is Angie... I just so happen to know of a 5 bedroom house also and would be willing to cut you a great deal! ;)
Thank you everyone for you input. Yeah I know Im never going to be "first" but I was hoping he would atleast give it some thought and put my thoughts/ feelings/ wishes ahead of his for a change instead of just a straight "no". I guess I'm just fusterated because I have been supporting him when he has wanted to switch jobs and took a job where he wasn't home except weekends because it was a job he liked. He chose to take a job so he is home again and I have listened to him for the past year and a half on how he hates his job and he isn't happy there and doesn't make very much ( he took a $7/hr pay cut) and dreads going every day. I guess I seen it as a way to have him find somewhere that he might like better and we both could be happy and it would take some stress off of us both. But I guess I will just close my mouth and realize that until he wants make the change himself there is no point of keep bringing it up, he knows how I feel. Thanks again.
I think you should move. But you need to decide it together. Maybe start by making a list of reasons/benefits like you have for us. Have DH do the same for staying. Then discuss.
If it is important to you, then yes - keep talking. Inertia shouldn't win just because the status quo is easy.
No one likes change--even if its good for them. But you are truly unhappy---he should be listening to you and taking that into consideration. If mama isn't happy, no one is happy!!!!! So sit down with hubby go through pros/cons on a piece of paper. Ask the kids, talk to them etc.
honestly I think it's wrong to move!
I'm probably going to be the only one to say that.
I think it';s selfish.
I might be on my own. You said his family is currently 2 1/2 hours away and they would only be and hour and 1/2 which means you'd be moving an hour away from your 2 kids father...which would mean they would have to swtich schools and hardly see their dad or live with him and not see you much. You say they would, but they are teens, they arent going to want to go away every weekend and not see friends. best scenario would be youd see them every other weekend...IF they wanted to
Your kids come first, not being closer to a cool job, or a better house, and I dont think its right to make them choose between parents. i'd wait until they were out of highschool and then move.
This is not the right time to move. When is it your turn to be first? Well, that depends on what it entails. Splurging occassionally on a kid-free lunch or manicure... whenever you can.
But...
Uprooting your family of 7
Selling your house in a terrible market
Risking having to live on one income for a period of time
Losing custody of your children
Buying your oldest a car
paying DAILY gas mileage should they want to live with you
... just because you think the grass would be greener.
Selfish. You want to make you happy and you are actually willing to let your kids leave your house to do so, uproot your other children and make your husband uncomfortable. I'm borderline speechless.
Little reality check here... unless you "own" the vast majority of the principal in your home, you will take a loss. This is a huge "IF" in your scenario. Don't forget that as the seller YOU will be paying the realtor fees and the bulk of the closing costs, not to mention the costs associated with the move itself and securing a rental in the new location.
Some people HATE change, that's just the way they are. My husband's hatred of job hunting comes second only to moving.
Make a list of reasons to move and a list of reasons to stay. Talk over the pros and cons of each. You will have to take the initiative to find a new home and possibly bring back job applications for him. Make a deadline to move by and stick to it. It will be an uphill battle but if you hate your home that much, it will affect the entire family and make everyone miserable.
But remember to listen too. If he has valid points for staying, you may have to find a way to make your living arrangements more...... livable.
This is a tough one. Maybe ask your husband to apply for the jobs in the other town and see what happens. If he gets one, he might feel excited about the prospect of more money and get on board. Then start looking at houses in that area. Talk to your kids about how they feel. Your 16YO may not like living 30 min away from his/her friends, or having the responsibility of driving the two others to and from school.
Break it down into baby steps so it doesn't feel so overwhelming.
IMO, custody should not be determined by children. It should be determined by their parents and/or the court, who can be influenced by them, but asking them to choose places a burden on them that they may not be able to handle. My SD thought she had it all figured out, but her mom was not the best choice for her at the time. Is your ex ready for primary custody? How does he feel? That's the sticking point I have with the plan. Other than that, I'd take baby steps. Your DH likes security. So don't rip the rug out from under him because you want to be somewhere else. Find middle grounds where possible. Take into account things like job security and benefits. My DH still has a pension plan where he is and significant PTO so that's a large part of why he stays. Would your DH be willing to trade commutes so you live where you want, but he doesn't loose a job he's not ready to give up? If you don't proceed carefully, you may lose a lot more than you gain. You may end up first because there's no one else in line with you.
Try this idea on for size. The 2 kids that will most likely stay in town with dad are not counted in this due to they would not have to make drastic changes.
For the next 2 years, until the older child graduates from high school stay where you are. It is entirely crazy to drive an hour one way to take a child to school. They are in high school and do not want to change from their support group/friends at all. Unless they are extremely unhappy there they should be allowed to finish school. Then you get to come first.
Tell hubby he has until May 2015 (whenever graduation is for 16 year old) to get used to the idea that you will be moving closer to a nearby town. Of course moving part way so he can keep his job too is oddly not an option.
I looked up Decorah on the map and it looks like it is out in the middle of nowhere, I would hate it too. I am a city girl all the way, living in the suburbs is out there for me. I live in a semi rural area now and go to OKC quite often but it is still too "country" for me. I do it because hubby lived here when we got together. He has family land. It makes me stress a tiny bit to know I am going to grow old in the town and probably die and no one find me for days. Until someone can't get me on the phone and come to find out if I'm okay...
I hate out in the country. My dad died in the Arbuckle Wilderness area. They had gone there for the day and he had a heart attack. They tried to drive part way to meet the ambulance but he was in too bad shape to be saved. So I have very real issues about living out in "the wilderness"... I hate it too but I have to rationalize that it's really not that different from a few miles away.
We have a mobile home that is in bad shape, I hate storms and will leave my house for a sturdy structure when the wind is over 60 MPH. I will go to the local hospital's basement and sit it out each and every time.
I completely understand your wanting/needing to move. It makes all the sense in the world to me.
I suggest you sit down with hubby and let him know you want to talk about your future living situation. Let him know you want to hear his opinions and wants but you want him to prepare to listen to you too. This will help him to have, possibly, a more open mind.
By giving him a date in the future it will give him time to make the mental adjustment to living somewhere else. That fall start looking into housing, elementary school districts for the kids just now starting out, start making it a reality that it's coming up. Take a couple of long weekends and go to the other town and stay in a hotel to look at areas you might want to live, etc....
Giving him a date will help he see you are serious about this. BUT if he has valid reasons you are going to have to listen to him too. He should not have to give up everything for you too. A compromise is always a great way to work out the issues but not to the point one person is giving the other one everything.
There are houses for 30k???? I think I need to move to Iowa!
Sorry...uprooting everybody is not a "my turn first" kind of issue, like a couple of other women have said. You see how where you live is so important to you? It's just that important to everyone else involved, and you really shouldn't get to make that call alone, even if you are convinced that it would be the best for everybody.
First, you don't need to justify anything! If YOU want to move, then that's ok! In my opinion, there will never be a "good" time to do it, especially if it's a decent distance from where you currently live. But it's important for your husband to be onboard. I'd try to get to the root if his "change" insecurities. And if he does agree then just take it all one step at a time. Good luck! :)
Moving is not a "my turn first" kind of issue.
Picking the restaurant. Getting to go shoe shopping. Him taking the kids for a day. Those are all "my turn first" issues.
I think you need to have a serious hearrt to heart and tell him how you truly feel. Tell him how serious this is to you, and that everyone, him included, needs to be seriuos in there consideration of a move. It may not happen, but he needs to give it serious thought - you both do.
Happiness/fulfillment isn't geography driven..... you'll just be moving your same issues/problems with you. That is a fact.
Sounds like it's only a good idea to move if he gets one of the other jobs. I would encourage him to at least apply. If he gets the job then you have decisions to make. If he gets the job he will probably be more excited at the prospect of change.
I think that you should start with looking at the job market out there. If he hates his job and the move would put him closer to other opportunities, that might be a great thing.
It needs to be a family decision. You and him together. It's not about being first. Make a list of the pros and cons with your husband. Decide if it's truly the best thing to do for all of you...or just you.
This is a decision that has to be made by both of you and your children. It's not a matter of you being first. It's a matter of communication and finding ways to agree. I suggest that you read Non-violent Communication. I suggest that if you learn ways to help him feel heard as well as ways to discuss the situation in a more neutral way that he may agree with you.
Here's their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/about-us
I'd say in another 14 years you will have lots of time to yourself and time to be #1. Until then, you have 5 kids. Do what is best for them. Will moving really make you that much happier? Do you think that leaving a 12 and 13 year old behind will bring happiness?? Is your happiness worth what you might be giving up?
Are you sure the town you live in is the problem? Will you truly be happy there? Why? I think you have deeper issues than where you live.
