Is Father in Law Being Mean??

I don't quite understand...are you saying you are offended that he sent you a card, because you think it is wrong to remind you (as if you needed reminding) that you are married?
27 years is a long time. You say the marriage is over. But you are still actually married.
Honestly, I think he sent the card because it is a longtime habit.
Maybe he secretly hopes things will work out..who knows...but he probably just sent it because that's just something he has always done.
I don't think there is any cause for offense.

Well, his thinking might be--they are separated, but still "married" so I should acknowledge it. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm more shocked there's a man on the planet that can buy, sign, address and mail a card!

If he has always been nice to you, I would like to assume that he made an honest mistake, and sent you the card wishing well. some people would be hurt if they were still married and did not get a card. I would give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. Take care, and I am sorry you are going through this. Affairs really really hurt.

I don't think he meant any mean-ness to you.
He is probably old, and avoids confrontations, in his mind he probably just did something nice.... instead of treating you like you are "divorced" just because you are separated... from his son... and by sending you an anniversary card, he probably still thinks of you as "family" despite all the problems. And, he sent it to you, because he does not seem to have a good relationship with his own son, nor knows how to approach him. So he sent it to you. It meant him thinking about you, going to the store, looking at the cards and then choosing one, then signing it and putting a stamp on it and then mailing it. It took thought. I don't think he meant it as a "mean" thought, toward you. Maybe it even meant "hopeful" dreams on his part... innocently. Maybe he doesn't even understand all the ramifications and problems you went through.... nor does he think ahead, much. Maybe.

Your FIL seems to not know how to deal with problems, and the card was probably just a thing to seem nice, toward you.... not a slap in the face. Unless he has a habit of actually targeting YOU for mean actions. Which you did not mention.

His "crime" seems in just not knowing how to handle his own and other's problems. He is not "Choosing" sides.

I also might add, that you went to your FIL to talk/vent about it and his son... and to find out information for yourself. This does not make, your FIL "responsible" for then talking to his son about it or your talk or anything about your separation/marriage. He is, not "interfering" as most In-Laws do... out of respect and not wanting to interfere, lest it backfire on them and THEN THEY get "blamed" for anything or any mistaken things they say to either "side."
ALSO... could you not talk to/vent to your own parents??? A FIL is not solely responsible for his grown son that has been married for 27 years.... I think, out of respect as well to FIL, do not expect him to be responsible for any dialogue between you/Hubby/him nor to run interference for you. That is not his role nor his business. I personally would NOT want my In-Laws to call my Husband and get involved. Period.

all the best,
Susan

Is it possible that he's not thinking clearly? I'm assuming he's fairly elderly if you've been married for 27 years. Sometimes early signs of senility or other memory diseases can look like insensitivity, anger, frustration, avoidance etc. I have no idea if this is a possibility, but it does seem odd that he would act the way he does- even the part about him not contacting his son. The card part makes no sense at all. The short answer to your question is IGNORE IT for now. he may have had a "senior moment" or he may be struggling with other issues... and if he's just being mean, you'll find that out soon enough.

I don't know if this helps at all, but my DH's parents had signs of their memory issues in this way long before we knew for sure what was wrong.

I'm sure this anniversary will be hard for you- you are right to stay true to yourself and know your limits. It must be so hard to change your life so much after all those years, but I understand! HUGS!

Updated

I don't think he was trying to be mean, I think he was trying to be nice, but it backfired.

sounds like me he doesn't know what to do so he's acting like nothing has happened. don't think its anything other than that

Did sending cards happen before the FIL's divorce, too?

I know a lot of men whose wives do cards and even sometimes sign their names. If he didn't tell his wife, she may have sent the card without realizing it would hurt your feelings. Or he may just not realize you've actually split. Saying something in a moment that you're upset doesn't always mean you will follow through with it, so if you haven't updated him further, and neither has his son, then he may not realize you did actually kick him out.

Generally give him the benefit of the doubt, but update him and say that you know he didn't mean it this way, but it hurt to get the card.

After my divorse, my ex called me on the date that would have been our anniversary. It was awkward for him but he said he wasn't sure if I'd be more hurt if he called or if he didn't call, so he thought it would be best to call. It was so strange.

Men are socially awkward dorks. Don't give it another thought

I'm a mother-in-law and I understand his staying out of the picture in regards to his son's and your separation. He is probably limited in his ability to express compassion, especially in a situation that may seem to him to parallel his own past experience. He may feel compassion for you but be unable to express it. He may think that a card is a way of acknowledging 27 years of marriage and is showing you support. You have stuck with his son for 27 years! That is a long time to stay married! That may feel to him like quite an achievement, especially in light of your current situation, and that you deserve to be congratulated.

Remember that most men in that generation were taught to not only not show feelings but to also not express them if they did become aware. I go back to the idea that your situation may be too similar to his own past situation for him to deal with it.

There is no comparison between his reaction to your situation and yours to his 20+ years ago. On the surface they appear similar but because of time alone, his and your and your husband's reactions would be vastly different. You were young then. He is old. He was starting a new relationship and you had years ahead of you to influence how you reacted at that time. Even as adults, we tend to want our parents approval. You had a young family, most likely, and wanted him to continue being a part of your lives. As an older parent, he may have already stopped building a future and if he's focused at all he may be focused on letting go of this world. I'm starting that process at 67 even tho I'm also focused on being happy for the next 25 years. Because you were young, you also had energy and the support of your husband, his son. You didn't mention his wife. Does he have support from a woman to help him understand how you feel?

I'm also guessing that, since you've been married for 27 years, he has let go of needing your or his son's approval in the way that may have been present 20+ years ago. For you, a separation from your husband, after 27 years of marriage, does put you back into feeling a bit like a child again because you are feeling vulnerable. You are wanting approval and connection with parents. I hope that you are getting that from your parents. If they've passed on, I know that this situation may be even more difficult for you and might cause you to want support from your fil.

You talked with your fil when you separated. Does that mean that the two of you talk regularly, even tho possibly not often, and have a relatively close relationship? If so, I'd visit with him and ask him his intentions. If you've been able to share your feelings with him over the past several years and felt that he accepted them or even understood you, then I'd tell him how you feel while giving him the opportunity to explain himself and reassure you that he didn't intend to be mean.

Or, if you see him from time to time, arrange to spend some time with him so that you can sense first hand how he is probably feeling but is unable to express those feelings to you.

But if you don't have an ongoing, sharing communication type of relationship with him, I'd ignore the card it's self. I would find a way to deal with your feelings about it without involving him. Perhaps talk with a friend about it or journal, writing down how you feel and process those feelings until you're comfortable with the idea that whatever his reasons you can still love him.

It's important for you to find a way to resolve those negative feelings so that they don't continue to color your relationship within the family. If you feel hurt and angry towards your fil those feelings will spill over into your other relationships such as those with your children. Especially with your children. Children are usually much more sensitive than most adults and even tho they may not know how you feel they will sense that you no longer like grandpa.

Ignoring how we feel does not work. Ignoring does not make the feelings go away. They just go underground. If, from past experience, talking with him has a good potential of clearing the air and helping the two of you to continue with a good relationship, then talk with him. If you're feeling hurt based on past experiences with him hurting you then definitely do not talk with him but find a way for you to process and let go of the hurt feelings.

Nah. He's of an older generation where men were not expected to understand feelings, relationships, and social skills. He's probably just puzzled about how to treat your current arrangement. Seems kind of sweet, to me, that he'd make the effort to remember you on what he might assume is still something of a special day for you. And, as another poster suggested, he could even be confused by a failing memory, in which case older events might still feel fresh to him, and recent ones fade quickly.

But even if he were trying to jab you, it is your interpretation that hurts you. He didn't slap your face. You can choose to take it as a slap, but why?

I've been learning that even if someone deliberately tries to insult, hurt or needle me, I have a great deal of choice to just let it go. And, amazing but true: I'm happier for it. Give it a try!

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your father-in-law. My guess would be that he is in denial, because he doesn't want to lose you as his daughter-in-law.

from personal experience, I can tell you that you can never tell who will stick w/ you when things get tough. I have a son w/ a serious illness, and when he was diagnosed friends scattered like coackroaches. And I was really hurt. When he relapsed I expected less from people. You can't change him, and you atre hurt. The only thing you can do is chalk it up to a life lesson, and keep going, don't look back.

Hello, I would let it go. I think he is just acknowledging that you and his son were married on this day. I think it was done out of kindness. My husband and I were married for 43 years. He passed in March and I am so lonely now. He always found a way to have someone else do the shopping for my gifts. I told him many years ago that he needed to stop asking his daughters to do his job. I stressed that he needed to either buy or make a card for me telling me how much he loved me. Just this week I found one that I had made him where he had crossed out my name and put his and also crossed out his name and put mine. It was so him. I had gotten the nicest Valentine's day card this year and after he passed, a young man he worked with came by and then had to tell me that my husband had sent him in the gift shop at work and had him to buy it. So you see, not all men are capable of taking the time to buy and deliver a nice card. Your father-in-law is probably just trying to make you feel better.
Good luck with the rest of your life.
K. K.

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Put it on the dresser and one day when you are good and mad, get up, rip the card up and perhaps a picture of your husband, too. In the meantime, if you are willing to forgive him (husband and father in law I guess) then leave it there and see how you feel for awhile. Funny how time changes things. If you think he will stop cheating (husband) or father in law will face reality then you can do all sorts of other things. Father in law might not believe his lovely son is doing things like that. After all he is now happily married right? Funny how people forget things.

He probably feels really torn. I'm sure he loves you very much, but this is his son, his flesh and blood. He probably doesn't want to get involved at all and cause waves. And honestly...props to him...this has nothing to do with him, this is between you and your husband. IMO your FIL shouldn't bring this up to your husband. I mean, if your husband goes to his dad for advice then yeah, they should talk. But your FIL shouldn't be seeking your husband out to discuss this. That is just my opinion though, I'm a pretty private person and would be royally ticked off if I were in this situation and anyone other than my husband wanted to sit down and have a discussion with me about it.

He probably sent the card because he always does, and technically you are still married. He is probably a little bit in denial. It doesn't seem to me from the info you gave that he is trying to be mean. In fact, I think it is probably the exact opposite.

Good luck, hang in there!