Independant Sleeping

Hi T.!

I know this has to be so hard all the way around. You must feel like you're in a no-win situation. First and foremost you need to do what is right for YOU in YOUR mind for YOUR child. No one here or anyone else should tell you what to do. Having said that, I'll offer my *opinion* ... and that is.. sometimes we have to discipline or teach our children things they do not want to learn. Take going to the doctor or dentist for example. Just because they cry and don't want to go, doesn't mean we just stop taking them. I know that's an extreme example, but you see my point perhaps?

My mother let me co-sleep with her until I was 11! ELEVEN! Bad, bad, bad idea. I know you are SO far from that now and its not truly comparable. But because I was strong willed and because she did not want me to cry she caved each time. I couldn't go to camp, spend the night with a friend, etc etc etc until high school. Not a great outcome.

For those who tell you horror stories, you will have your video monitor on for goodness sake. And for those who tell you the "most well adjusted children" are those who co-sleep - that's just plain bunk. My child was a CIO child and she is 95% in height, 75% in weight, has the vocab of a child two years older, and is developmentally much further ahead than her friends.

Whatever you decide will be the right thing. CIO or not. Just know that at some point your job as a parent is to help your child learn to be independent and develop healthy sleep habits. You do that however YOU think is best! Good luck to you!

Of course, you are a loving mother, and this is a new and frustrating phase for you and your son to go through. I, personally, could never let my daughter cry. I don't believe that children need to be left alone to learn to be "independent", they need the support of their parents. "Well attached" (yes, "well adjusted") children are confident that their parents are there for them when they need them, which means they feel safe and can run off and play with friends or go to school and not cling. By leaving a young child to scream for you, you are teaching them that you are not going to be there for them when they need you, which leads to more clinging behavior.

I agree with the responder who said that doctors are only trained in medicine, not behavioral, sleep, eating, or other child development areas. I never asked a doctor for advice about how to parent my child. The doctors are not in my house in the middle of the night, I am.

We had a mattress on the floor of our daughter's room for some time, after she moved out of the crib, and that worked pretty well. Then there was enough room for us to lay down with her, read a book and snuggle to get her settled in.

My 7 year-old daughter has slept in her own room and bed or ours, depending on what she has needed during her different phases. We still allow her to sleep in our bed when needed, no big deal. I have been a parent for 24 years now, and rarely have I slept 8 hours in a row; whether they are 7 or 17 they can keep you up at night! I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hi T.,

I agree, I know I could never lock my child in a room and let them scream into hysterics or puking....... That goes against all my beliefs and mother's instincts. If you can't stomach it either, DON"T! You know what is best for YOUR CHILD.

Our kids co-slept with us till about 6 months ago. (They are now 4 1/2 and 2 1/2.) First we were all in one bed together! CROWDED.... So, we put a mattress on the floor and moved the kiddos to that. After a few months of that, my husband and I moved out of our room (so the kids wouldn't have to leave the room they were used to sleeping in....) They slept AWFUL! So, we went out and bought the best mattress we could and a frame for our daughter and our son had a toddler bed. (We had one of those cheap bunkbed "mattress" before.) Now, both kids sleep quite well. Sometimes they switch beds, sometimes they sleep together, but we don't care as long as they sleep! LOL.

What I suggest you do is watch Craigslist for the TWIN size Little Tikes Car bed. Every time my son sees that or the toddler fire truck bed he goes crazy. And my daughter wants one of the dollhouse beds.... I know if we would have gotten them fancy beds from the get-go, it would have went MUCH smoother. And if you get the TWIN bed, he won't outgrow it right away!

Also, get one of those touch lamps with 3 settings. That way he can choose how much light he wants on at bedtime. And we also run a fan on low for white noise. And the last thing we do is run a cd with piano music that our daughter's piano teacher wants her to listen to each day. And both of our kids sleep with a sippy cup of ICE WATER so they can't use the excust that they need a drink....

Give him some choices. We still get called back in the room a few times each night for one more hug or kiss, or something...LOL But they are only young once. We just want to enjoy it while we can.

Good luck!

;

Instead of taking an adversarial approach, try looking at it from his point of view. It's clear that you love him. Can you tune into exactly what he wants, and find a different way to supply it?

My kids often crawled into bed with us after being in their own for an hour or two. I liked it a lot better than getting up to go to them. After a while she would crawl right over me to get into the middle without me even waking up.

I would never, ever be able to lock my child in their room and let them scream & cry so hard they threw up. Not the kind of mother I am. We co-sleep with our babies until we decide it's no longer comfortable. Our daughter is 4 and sleeps in her own bed, our son is 10 months and is still comfortably sleeping with us. The way we transitioned our daughter to her big girl bed was to let her sleep in a pack & play at age 14 months next to our bed, 2 months later she slept in her regular crib in our room, 2 months after that she slept in her crib in her own room. Around age 3 she got a twin bed with rails. Slow transisitons and some nights were sleep-deprived, but you have to be consistent and firm. Once he's finally transitioned to his own bed and going to sleep in there he will try to come in your bed after a few hours, you have to get up and put him back in his own bed- even if you have to do it 15 times a night- it will only last for a couple nights until he gets the hint. But again- you need to set the boundaries and be CONSISTENT with whatever you decide.

Try putting his mattress/bed in your room. If you can get him to go to sleep/stay asleep in his own bed that way, you can try slowly moving him back into his room, a few feet at a time. I don't believe that doctors are the best source of knowledge for behavior or eating issues. They are medically trained to keep our kids healthy. They have NO training on sleep or nutrition. If you don't feel comfortable letting him CIO, don't do it. Trust your mommy instinct :) The most well behaved and independent children I have dealt with (years of daycare jobs and family members) are the ones who did not CIO, they were "spoiled" by their parents.

T.,

I had to do this with all four of my kids at some point and they are just fine. The two in school qualified for the gifted / talented program, my four year old can read and write and the most frequent compliment I receive about my children is how confident and happy they all are.

They are perfectly safe in their rooms by themselves. I had a couple of kids who would try to climb bookshelves or dressers, so I took the bookshelves out of the room and took the handles off the dressers or took them out of the room. I flipped the bedroom doorknobs around so they locked on the outside to keep the kids in. It was easy and didn't involve buying or installing new locks.

Your post leads me to believe that you view putting a child to bed alone as some kind of neglect that will traumatize him and have lasting emotional effects on him. It won't. Look at where you are now. Is your child happy about going to bed? Are you happy about putting him to bed? Are you the very best mom you can be when you are sleep deprived for three years and counting? Setting some boundaries and having your child go to sleep on his own is going to improve life for everyone in your family.

This is going to improve the relationship between the two of you and between your son and those who would like to have him spend the night, but can't because of this issue. And the therapist is right about preparing for independence. I know as a mom we want to see these children as our little helpless babies forever. The reality is we have been given a duty to prepare them to live as happy, confident, contributing adult members of society. You have 15 years left to do that. The more you do to help prepare your son to handle real life, the happier and more well adjusted he will be. It's a wonderful gift that will last his whole life.

Good luck,
S.

I would suggest bringing the toddler bed (or even just the mattress) into your room. Explain that he can fall asleep with you, but you'll be putting him into his own bed. Then see how that goes. He may just need you close to feel secure, and being in the same room may be enough.

I would have a terrible time with that, too! Even with a video camera! Eeek!

I haven't been in your shoes but had an idea after reading the other posts.

*Have the conversation with him that you want him to sleep in his own bed and all of the reasons why. Ask him why he thinks he needs to sleep with you. Then talk to him about making a plan to help him.
*For a few nights put him on a yoga mat or kinder mat (something similar)next to the bed.
*The next few nights put the mat closer to the door....then a few nights in the hallway...then in his room...closer and closer to his bed.
*Decorate the room and bed, get a new favorite lovey to start the process and have it make the journey with him. If he likes Dora or Diego, use this to your advantage!
*Make a chart with pictures of all of the places he will sleep on his journey and mark it off as he goes....have an incentive for him when he makes each step and a really nice incentive for each week he stays in his bed...for 3 weeks (it takes 21 consecutive days to make something a habit).
*Think ahead of what you will do if he completes a step but then regresses a step or two...the more you have thought it out the easier the whole process will be. Remember, you didn't (or probably didn't) potty train him in one day. It's a process.

GOOD LUCK!

Ah, the joys of teaching them to sleep on their own! No criticism here, it's tought to watch/hear your child scream/cry themselves to sleep. Some go to the toddler bed easy, others not so much. I gated the door for my boys until they could climb over, and then did the supernanny method for my 2nd one, who was die hard, but not as hard as your guy. Since yours is old enough to reason, offer him a choice (when he's rested and in a good mood, then remind him of his decision at bedtime) This will help him feel like he's in control of the situation. Keep your calm, or he'll fight you tooth and nail. Let's see, an example... "Hey Big man! Mommy's bed is getting too small for all of us to sleep in. So, would you like to sleep in your big boy bed in YOUR room, or do you want to sleep in your big boy bed in Mommy's room?" Have some relax time with him after pj's are on/teeth brushed. Snuggle up on your pillows in your bed and read a story together (This gives him the closeness he's not wanting to give up yet) Tuck him in in his bed, my 2 year old loves to be flown in and dropped onto his pillow (the 4 yr old, too, I just can't lift him anymore). No matter what, do NOT give in and let him sleep in your bed with you. He'll try, as I'm sure you know, and when he does take the fight out of it, and let him know he can't sleep WITH you, but he's always welcome to come get a hug if heneeds one. As long as he knows you will always be available, he will develop that security he needs to move from his bed in YOUR room (cause you know he'll choose that over starting out in his room) to his bed in HIS room. The only other thing I can add, is that if he's used to your mattress, his toddler bed is probably not very comfy. He may do better to make the transition to a twin. (But if he's starting the transition in your room, toddler beds take up less space) Good luck, hang in there, remember to only talk to him the first time you put him back in be, every other time say nothing, don't give in to his requests or fits. It will only prolong it. And remember...earplugs are perfectly acceptable and will help you maintain some sanity. You will still hear it all, it just takes the edge off for you!

It could be as simple as: He hates his toddler bed. When our daughter was 3 we got her a toddler bed and she did the same thing. Found out she just hated it. Sure they look cute, but we don't have to sleep in them. We got her a big girl twin with gates on the side. After that she slept in her own bed with no problems.

Sounds like you have a situation on your hands. I'm not sure I would put him in a locked room earlier I am too much of a softy for that but I couldn't do what they suggest. But I think it is time to lay down the law. And yes it would be tiring for the first few nights but once those were over you would be trying for baby #2 and getting some sleep. Everytime he crawls into bed with you put him back. And it is time to get very stern with him!! He is old enough to know if he pushes your button enough he is going to get his way.

i think you just have to do whatever works. if you dont feel like forcing him to cry all night, then dont do it, who cares what the "experts" say. YOU are the real expert here. you know your son, you love him, and you are emotionally involved and invested in this child, and those other people are not. so do what you have to do.
my 3 year old son still sleeps with us sometimes. hes getting better about not wiggling when hes sleeping (or im getting better at ignoring it). you can move his bed to your room if there is space for it, and put him back in his bed when you wake from being annoyed or something without having to go all the way down the hall.

my son's sleeping history is that he was a breastfed baby who self weaned at 19 months, co-slept and bedshared for a lot of that period too. we didnt move him into his own room until about 2 months ago, and hes been so good about sleeping in his own bed ever since. sometimes he does get up and play, but the one thing that he knows is that when hes having an issue sleeping or something, we are there for him in an instant, he doesnt have to scream to get our attention. its funny how my husband wanted him out of or room and out of our bed, but now hes the one who will go get him out of his bed if he wakes up at night and bring him to ours ;)

so just do what you have to do to get sleep for all of you. kids dont learn to be independent by being FORCED into it - this actually creates insecurity and more clinginess because they dont know if they can trust you to respond to their needs. its probably more true for younger kids than yours... but you are the one who is the mom here - you are the expert! you just follow that heart of yours and do what you have to do. this will pass, he wont want to sleep with you forever, sometime before hes a teenager he will sleep in his own bed in his own room, and you will wish you could have a little more snuggle time. :) so just soak it up or make it work however it works for your family. :)

We arent to this issue yet with my son but i don't think i could ever lock him in his room. these are my thoughts. Currently our son is still in his crib he is not quite 2 his big bed is all set up for him. sometimes when he goes to bed at night he will ask me to sleep in it with him. i tell him he needs to sleep on his own and i make sure he has a his favortie stuffed animal and his nightlight pal (find them at wal-mart about 10 dollars will glow all night or has a button so he can turn it off and on. in the baby section)he fusses a bit but usually is fine. i am willing to sleep in his bed or let him sleep in mine if he asks later on in the night. i figure that letting him know he is safe when he needs to feel that way, is helping to be an independent adult. i don't think he will still want to sleep in my bed when he is 12 so i am not overly concerned. My sister coslept with her oldest and still had a another one when he was 2 so there are ways to accomplish that :) Try talking to your son too ask him if there is something that he doesn't like about his room. When i started telling my son that his stuffed animals couldn't leave his room he stopped want to go to my bed (he was 12 months) Some people may not agree with this but i think it is better then locking him away at night. you could start a reward chart for him. he gets a sticker for each night he sleeps in his room after a week he can get a small prize or he can save it and add them up after a month to get a bigger prize. either way good luck

I believe this is just a phase. My 5 yr old has gone thru two of these and they just lasted a couple of months and she went back to her own room. I was told by an ECFE parent educator that it was ok to let you child sleep in your room... but not in your bed. Make a bed for your child on the floor or on a cot to sleep on. As long as they are not too comfortable.. they will not stay. My daughter was genuinely scared so I could not force her to be alone in her room. She bounced back and loves her room again. Also.. my favorite toy is the Twilight Ladybug or Twilight Sea Turtle. It projects a starry sky on their ceiling and they aren't afraid of the dark. The best night light ever!!!

T.-
My son used to get up every night and crawl in bed with my husband and I, and when he started getting too big, we started putting a pillow and blankets on the floor, so if he got up in the middle of the night, he could lay on our floor and be close to us, but we could still get our sleep. He started this when he was 3, and when he turned 5 we told him that he would be sleeping in his bed from then on, and he did, and is doing great at it. Hope things work out for you! Good luck!!

There is a thing you can get at Target that goes over the handle so they can't open the door. It's a safety device. When we went through this stage, it definitely came in handy for us. Of course we would only use that if we were home (not a sitter), because you wouldn't want a child trapped in their room in case of fire or something. Our kids are fine, well adjusted, thriving. We have friends who used these on their outside doors because their kids had a habit of opening doors and running down the street. You wouldn't say they were "locked in" their house anymore than you would say a child is "locked in" their room at bedtime. It may be that the child gets mad, but they are safe and need to learn good habits including staying in bed and going to sleep at night. It is the interest of everyone's health and well being!!

I have locked my kids in a few times but ALWAYS check on them. ALWAYS. My middle child (3-years-old next week) is especially awful at staying in bed. It usually just takes me threatening to lock the door for him to know I'm serious. He is not emotionally scarred in any way. He's a normal, precocious, head-strong, happy (most of the time) little boy.

Hi there T.,

Well its a hrad situation and one that ultimately you have to take control of if you want to teach him to sleep independantly. I have a 18 month old son who was good at sleeping in his own bed through most of the night but from 3am onwards we would just bring him into our bed and he'd go right back to sleep. It eventually got to the point where he would no longer sleep a full night in his own bed. The turning point came when he started to become more and more restless in our bed and so we decided....no more! I know our situation is quite different but here is what I'd suggest: I would never shut the door on my son and not go back in, it is dangerous and I know of a younger baby that hung itself on a cot because the parents closed the door and let it cry and were relieved when the cry finally stopped only to find out latter on the baby had died. If you feel you don't want to close the door and leave him there then don't! _ Follow your instincts. I did hear of a technique that may be useful for your son as he craves your close proximity. Put him to bed, give him a chance to go off to sleep with you in the room. After you feel it has been long enough, then walk out. If he is still awake and tries to follow you put him back to bed and tell him if he doesn't stay in there you will close the door. If he gets out of bed then put him back in, walk out and close the door. This may sound strange but wait for him to get worked up and upset while standing close by the door, when he is really unhappy about it open the door put him back to bed tell him to stay in there and go to sleep otherwise you will close the door. It may take awhile with your son but this helps to let him know that you are close by and he is only going to loose that connection with you if he fails to stay in his own bed. I would also reccommend you don't implement this until you arevery determined to stick to it. When its 4am and you want the easy way out if you take him bakc to your bed he is likely to realise and can away with not sleeping in his own bed. All the best, hope you get some good solid sleep very soon

L.