In the Best Interest of the Child

As a practical matter, get some legal advice, you may want to try calling some of the law clincs run by local law schools (students working under supervision of an attorney). Chicago-Kent and DePaul have family law clinics, Loyola might, I would do a little web searching. Also, contact the Chicago Bar Association or some other local bar associations and see if they have a pro bono progam that might help. I know there are consulting attorneys at Daley Center but I can't remember on which floor or when, sorry.

As a personal matter, this has been a problem on the other side for a sibling of mine -- her kids want to be with her, and she says she wants them, but after several weeks or months they are back with a grandparent. I really wish she had gone for an open adoption, so the kids would have a family and she could play mommy when she wanted to visit. Hindsight is everything.

I agree w/ everyone else contact a child Advocacy Agency and see if they can help and get advice of a lawyer to see what you can do. I really feel for you, my cousin just finally got her adoption of her little foster son final in Jan he is almost 3 if I remember right and they have had him since he was around 6mos old. They almost had it done last year but the birth mom wanted to try to get him back.
It Amazes me how you have to have a license to Drive a car but any Yutz can have a child.
Good Luck!!

Hi--The Bridgeview courthouse has free legal advice on Tuesdays. It may be a bit of a ride for you, however you can obtain free legal advice and then decide how you want to proceed. Call the courthouse and ask them about times, the number is ###-###-####. Best of luck to you!

I have considered foster care and that is one of the reasons I have not went forward with it was because you become attached and if the court say the child is returned to his or her biological mother/father you really have no rights.

It may be better that child stays with you but the judge is the one who finally says yes or no. Consult a good lawyer if you are considering this. Make sure that the lawyer deals with custody cases. But chances are slim unless the mother agrees, it is her child.

I don't have any great advise for you but just wanted to give you a little support - what an amazing thing you and your husband have done opening your home to a child with that risk - you have given the child a great foundation and know that if he does have to go back to the mom you have at least provided him with that. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

K.

Double check with what your legal rights are in the contract, etc. Also, he may still turn out to be a well adjusted child with a single mom who has gotten her priorities figured out. I was raised by a single mom and, yes, we moved quite a bit but I have thrived in all aspects of my life (education, career, my family, etc). You'd be surprised at how well kids can do.

B.,
Bless you and your husband. Know that you have been in the right place at the right time. I have no advice for you nor do I have experience with this situation. I'm sure seeking legal advice would help.
Hugs
C.

Because you were awarded guardianship, and thus she lost it (temporarily, anyway), I would think you'll have to go back through the legal system for her to get the child back either semi- or permanently. Afterall, you're still technically the guardian until the courts decide otherwise. I agree with seeking legal advice and laying out a plan.

You're obviously emotionally-invested in this child and do have his/her best interests in mind. Have you ever tried/considered going for full custody? I don't know how the entire process works, but would definitely seek advice from a lawyer who speacializes in child custody. If you truely think the child would be better off in the long run with you, then be prepared to fight and fight hard. If you think a joint deal would work, consider that it most likely won't be a forever situation and eventually if she has her life together, the child will most likely go back to the mother.

Either way, bless you for taking care of a child in need and opening your heart, home and life. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Obviously by refusing to have joint custody with the child the woman is not ready to become sole parent and provider. Parenting has to be selfless, not selfish (at least for the most part).You seem to have a handle on it, not her. Now that she's feeling good, same as people who quit taking their much needed medicine because they feel okay then go on a bender of some sort, the woman doesn't even realize her daughter still needs you. The problem is the real world. In this world there are two kinds of people. You and them, and the sad situation is you will be fighting with them. So you will have to decide what sort of a fight this is worth as she is the mother albeit not a very good one. Since you are happily married and planning your own children as gut wrenching as it may be you may put a time limit on it unless you are prepared to fight for the child for joint custody until eighteen -it might be better to enjoy your own marriage and let go. Which will not be in the best interests of the child obviously but biologically you are not the parent and you could really wear yourself and your marriage down. You are dealing with a whole bunch of thems out there: court systems, family services,social workers, and the list goes on. If it's a fight worth having, these will be your opponents. As usual it will be the children that suffer while they wait it out. The mother sounds like she has her dukes up. I would have a hard time letting go too. Ultimately it's up to you in making this decision. Thank goodness there are people out there like you who care so much.

B.,

My husband and I have guardianship of his brothers two boys. I'm in the same boat as you. The boys have been with us for a year now. Their mom tells us she is getting things together but it seems that really nothing has been done. She grew up in foster care herself. Their dad we have written off. He comes to visit but then we spend the whole time telling him to do things with his kids. He's inside when they are out and vice versa. We have not talked about joint custody or adoption with either of them yet. We were trying to give them time but we are not seeing enough progress. We'd like to adopt but haven't approached that subject with either of them yet. I don't have any advice but I'm in the same situation. My brother in law says that people don't change in a year. However, last year we took in his two, (we have 3 of our own), my husband started college, and lost his job to a work injury. We had a lot of changes!! But anyway, I understand what you are going through and myself have been wondering what can be done to keep them with us. Let me know how things work out for you and your husband.

Dee

God bless you for taking good care of this little boy and not allowing him to fall through the cracks . I myself dont have any expierence other then a mother of 3 beautiful children that I would die for. I know you and your husband will do whats right for this beautiful little boy but remember he is in the middle of what and turn ugly if allowed too . Sounds to me like you know what you need to do. Fight for what you belive is right and those values will be instilled in the little guy no matter if you are present in his life or not.

B. you and your huband are doing a wonderful thing and I hope the legal system see's that. We need more caring people like you guys .

I would do whats in the best interest of the child and that sounds like staying with you is the best. Some people have children by mistake and then think they should raise them half heartedly. The child suffers for their mistakes. If you can help one of those children, you are a saint. And the child will be blessed by your love and stability.

I am a foster parent to teens, and this is the kind of situation I have nightmares about. Big hugs!
My first question is how old is the child? If the child is old enough to communicate effectively, I would absolutely take into account the desires of the child. Not that I would necessarily use that as the only determining factor, but the child's opinion is important. If she is absolutely against joint custody I guess the next thing I would do is ask about which type of joint custody she is against -- does she want to have all the say in raising the child (legal custody)? Or does she also just never want you guys to ever see the child again (physical custody)? If it is only the former, but she is open to visits with you still, perhaps you all can come to a reverse agreement of what you currently have?
Otherwise, I think I would inquire as to the legalities of your gaurdianship. Why were you given gaurdianship in the first place, and has that reason passed (for drinking, say, or drug use)? What are her chances of winning in court to regain custody? Is that a fight you are willing to have? If it goes to court, can you make a counter-offer, so to speak, (such as reversing the current set-up) to show that you are flexible and are not trying to put the child in the middle, or keep him from his mother?
Best of luck!

I'm going to play devil's advocate here - so you can see it from the possible other point of view. However, personally I think each case like this has to be weighed & judges by people directly involved. There are too many variables to be able to accurately discuss here.

Ok, you were awarded guardianship on a temporary basis, and it's been 2 years, right?
The Mother has unsupervised visits with the child on a regular basis, weekends, etc (from your original post.)
So unless you're allowing that on your own, it sounds as though this is already going thru the courts & they are awarding her more & more time with her child.
And you mentioned she appears to have made progress with her own vices.
So, if she's done what she was supposed to do, and is getting her life on track, and is ready & able to have her child back in her life, why would you want to deny her & the child that?
She's spent at least 2 years without her child growing up in front of her. Granted, it was her own doing, but now she has paid the price, made amends & is ready to move on.
She'll never get those missed years back, and she'll have to live with that forever. So will the child. Any further delay will only add more lost time...

Like I stated at the top, this is a devil's advocate point of view. Please folks, do NOT PM me about it! I just wanted to show the potential other side of the coin.

No do not let go, knowing from expercience. If the other parent is that selfish not to do joint custody then she isn't ready for that child to some back as they want it to be. You two have become a big part of his/her life. It would be very emotionally destroy to him/her and leaving him/her very insecure as a person. He/she will feel that abantiment all over agian. If the mother is wanting him/her back it's great thier making the foot forward(that will always be a childs question and answer through actions) but to try and cut you out is the worst decision to make on the childs part and i hope the mother realize that.

The mother really needs to consider a transitional period. She has undergone a change in her life (hopefully a positive one.) I would think at least joint custody should be a requirement for a transitional period of time--showing the mother is capable of handling this responsibility. Things might naturally occur from that point on.

Thank you and God bless you for taking good care of our future generation. I don't have any experience, but seek out advice from the agency.

Sounds to me like you know what you need to do

Good luck,
you are wonderful.

My family is going through the same thing right now with my sister in-law. My husbands other sister is taking care of the other sister’s child and she will soon be getting custody back of the child. I think it is too soon but the family/state thinks otherwise. In my opinion I believe that the child should return to the mother if she has proven herself worthy of getting the child back. I think it is more damaging to the child to go back and forth the way he has. I would push for the joint custody to keep him in your lives but I truly believe that if she has shown she can be a mother again that she should have that opportunity to do it.

I don't know what to tell you or what kind of advice to give you in this very heart wrenching situation...but I just wanted to tell you that I will pray for you and your husband and hope that everything works out for the best. I hope that you can find comfort and resolution soon. I'm sure it is very painful.

I don't believe this child's mother is thinking at all about the attachment the child has developed to you and your husband or the wonderful life you have provided for this child during her struggles. I think she is being pretty self-centered and not realllly considering the best interest of the child. I think she may have some more recovery and development to go through.

If you really question the ability this mother has to raise her own child, I would get a lawyer. I think that you definetly should have a chance at staying part of the child's life whether it be full custody or shared since you already have been awarded guardianship. I don't think that any court would just yank you away from this child, that would just set him up for a emothional whirlwind. Follow you heart and the rest will follow. God bless your family.

I think you should let go and let GOD! You and your husband has been the instrument from him to give this child a start while the biological mother got her life together.

Now that she has made progress, it is time to see what she has truly learned from lifes expericences with her baby in her care.

You and your husband should always make your self available just in case she needs your help!