In Regards to More Children

If you want another child and finances are the only reason he's saying you can't get pregnant then go to work, find a way to make a living. If it's that important to you then get a way to make money.

If he's just one of those who don't want another child and you just can't let it go you could leave and find someone that does want more kids.

I have an only. I have room in my heart for 20 more children but God knows what's best and decided to give us just one. I guess instead of spending my days wishing I had more, I spend my days taking care of the one I've got. One day he'll grow up and not need me, and so I cherish these days with just him and noone else.

I'm pretty sure I'm not out of touch with reality when I say that. If I was, I'd be neglecting my kid and putting all my efforts into obtaining another child (pregnancy, adoption etc etc).

You move on by taking it one day at a time, and you enjoy every single minute - the good and the bad - with your child.

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for knowing what you can actually afford. I hate it when people say "love will find a way" or "God will take care of it" I swear these people must live in a bubble and have NO idea how the real world actually works.
I empathize with your situation.
If both you and your husband really wanted another baby, or adopted child, you could *probably* find a way to make it financially feasible.
But since the husband is not on board that leaves you kind of SOL :-(
Do you work full time? If not, any chance you could do foster care? My husband's grandma did that for YEARS without ever actually adopting and now has many former foster care kids who are a pretty regular part of her life.
That's the only thing I can think of, that your husband may actually consider.

I, too, would like another and my husband is also adamant about not having two children. I know many friends that "talked" their significant other into one or two more (one even using the puppy argument, "I promise to take care of it and you won't have to do a thing!"), but I truly think that while you can talk someone into a paint color or even a car, both parties must be on board for the full responsibility of a new life from the beginning.

So...my son will be a singleton.

Turning 40 this year also puts a bit of time limit on my husband changing his mind. While I think 40 is definitely not too old to start or grow a family, one of his fears is the higher risk of complications that could arise with advanced maternal age. So that's not going to diminish the longer we wait! I miscarried 18 months ago and after that, my husband is TERRIFIED that I will get pregnant again. He'll barely shake my hand. ;)

While I sometimes grieve not having what I didn't even realize I wanted, I also have to comfort myself that it's not the end of the world or our family for any of us. My son has loving parents and friends. I still get to see this amazing kiddo become his own person. We will continue to grow as individuals, as a family and as a community. We will have experiences that families of all sizes have and special ones that only the three of us will share.

It still hurts sometimes, and I find myself gravitating more towards the friends of his that have no siblings so we'll feel "normal" with them.

But no matter what, I'm lucky to be a mom.

We have this conversation all the time. If we could afford to have one of us stay home, we would have a third child. No question about it. However, we can't. We have two and make ends meet, but my husband left his job so that we could move across the country. He's applying, but no promises that he'll have something in the near future, so we focus on the two we have.

Just keep yourself focused on the things you WILL be able to do for your one child rather than thinking about the things you will miss out on by having one. I know that's easier said than done, but that's what one of my girlfriends has done. They have one boy and have struggled with infertility for the last 7 years and have had 2 adoptions fall through at the last minute. They will not (likely) have a second child and have focused on giving their son the best life they can afford.

Sometimes you simply can't change a situation. Considering the fact that your husband is the source of income, you cannot in good faith add to the stress by having a second child, nor should you leave him if this is the only issue in your marriage. It actually doesn't sound like a "marital issue" so much as a difficulty on your part in accepting the situation for what it is.

Make sure you explore all your options before you resign yourselves to not having another baby.

Would you be able to get a FT or PT job to help out with finances? Your 3 yr old likely will be going to pre-school soon, so you if you had another baby in about a year or so you'd only have childcare expenses for 1 of them.

Do you have a family or friend support network who could help you with childcare duties?

Do you live in an expensive area that is eating up more resources than necessary? If so, could you move to a more affordable area?

If you don't have the resources to have another baby, at this time, do you think somewhere down the road you could be stable enough and open to being a foster parent or an adoptive parent?

I guess I too wonder why hubby blames you. We wanted a third child, so hubby changed his work situation so we could afford another child. Why doesn't your hubby do more? Why is your inability to buy a house your fault? Why isn't it his for not making more money? Sometimes the partner with greater earning potential has to really go after it, while the other supports them in that role.

Finances are hard. hubby and I had a lot of arguments over money. I came into our relationship with a lot of student loan debt and not a lot of earning potential(well, I had earning potential that would require us to move away from his job, which wasn't realistic)..... We finally settled into our current life, and we both own our responsibilities. It sounds to me like you guys are still trying to figure this one out. You want more kids, but he doesn't want added responsibility.

Please don't blame yourself. Everyone contributes to the household economy, even if they don't' 'bring in money! My kids put away laundry, pick up crumbs...it isn't always about contributing money, it's about contributing your talents.

If you really want more kids, I'd figure out a way to make that happen. If you just cannot see a way to make it happen, then maybe you could look for work that involves children? I have a good friend that babysits because her hubby said "no" to more children. I feel terrible for her, she cried so hard the day she held my latest baby...but she has moved on by throwing herself into caring for her friend's children.

some things just don't have an answer, do they? it would be nice if there were a coping technique for each challenge that would bring peace and acceptance. i sure wish it were true.
i hope you don't beat yourself up over the job thing. i doubt your dh would change his mind over that (even if he IS using it as an excuse.) it sounds as if he just doesn't want any more kids, and you are a considerate partner to honor his wishes.
if i could give you a 'moving on' formula i would surely share it. and use it. i've got some things i'm terribly stuck on, and can't seem to move forward either.
we just soldier on, my dear, and remind ourselves of what's good. laugh when we can. eat chocolate and watch dr who when we can't. bawl from time to time. remember to be grateful for what's good.
{{{{{}}}}}
khairete
S.

Your "DH" says it's *your* fault that you can't have another child OR buy a house??? My suggestion is to find a good marriage counselor. Really, this issue is bigger than whether you have one or two children together.

I've worked for 5 years as a career transition coach for people who have been laid-off from their jobs. From that experience, you are not "terminally" unemployed. There are a lot of people who have job searched for that long and longer and have found new employment. Have you used all the resources you have - state employment office with counselors, outplacement offices, private career coach? Please reach out again, even if you did in the past.

We are parents to a singleton, and while we haven't ruled out more children, neither of us is on a mission to have more, right now.

If you get that baby urge, why not babysit, night sit, foster, etc. You can be around other people's children, have that truly young kid interaction, and be contributing to the household kitty.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him. In my case, the problem is DH's age more than anything. And that's not something we can change. You can change your finances if that is the major roadblock. I'm not saying that to be trite, but for example, when we had DD we sat down to think about our situation and what we needed to pay off to feel comfortable. I do very much realize the sadness of wanting but not being able to have a second child. So communicate with him. Even if nothing changes, I needed to felt heard and understood. That is one reason I'm WAH with DD - I felt that if I only get to do this once, I want to be here as much as I can, and DH supports that. But I really think if DH doesn't know what's in your heart, he needs to. It can be a really tough conversation to have, but it needs to be said. Even if he can't "fix" the longing, he can sympathize with you. It's more than money.

For me, I came to the conclusion that I was not willing to leave this marriage for a "maybe baby". So I had to work with the limits of this life. If you feel that this is not something you can deal with on your own, then consider individual or couples counseling. Sometimes what looks like one issue on the surface is really an iceberg of other things.

hey sweetie, it's okay. there's a lot of us on here that understand. in fact, I was one of the ones you may be thinking of in regards to questions about an only. my last post got some really understanding helpful encouraging comments that may help you too. it also got some snarky comments but that happens on here when you ask subjective questions.
probably my favorite & most comforting was "God gives you what you need, not what you want". I've always desired two children but perhaps that's not God's plan. I don't live my life like I should sometimes, but if I can believe this is what *God* wants then I somehow feel better b/c He's got the ultimate plan & the only the best for us, y'know?
(I don't even know if you're a Christian, but in case you are....) :)
as far as coping, idk sweetie, I struggle w/that too, but I do hope you feel better about your situation soon.

I have to wonder why your husband seems to be "blaming" you for every bad thing that has befallen you guys (according to the things in the post, anyway)? How does that make you feel? Is he a supportive husband and father? Is HE doing enough to support your family?
I can only speak from my personal experience but my situation was that I wanted more kids than DH wanted. He would have stopped after 1. I never felt "done" (Still don't). I knew I would resent him for the rest of my life is he had drawn the line, and said no more kids. So we did have more, all told we have 5 now. I think there are times that he resents ME for our life now (b/c it IS hectic), but I guess I figure it was him or me, and I chose my own happiness. I do work part time, and we do without some things, but I am happy I had the babies I longed for. They are my life, and if he had said "no more", I would have left him.
Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but its just my reality, and I wanted to be straight with you. If you feel like you will resent him for this one day, you need to think long and hard about whether you can stay with him and NOT have more children.