23 answers

In-laws and Thanksgiving

My inlaws and I barely tolerate each other. My husband and I have been married 15 years and his mother and I have never really gotten along. We live five hours away and our tradition has always been to go to DHs aunts house for Thanksgiving. Up until last year. DH has 2 sisters. A year or so after we got married we had our first daughter. DH's younger sister who had a baby at 16 and had it taken away for neglect (in-laws eventually got custody of it) accused my husband of sexually molesting her 2 year old. DH was questioned by police and the case was dropped. She did this as a way to try and get her baby back from her parents. We rarely saw that baby anyway and DH would never do something like that. Anyway, after that we never saw or spoke to that sister again. My inlaws also rarely saw her. Fast forward 15 years. Inlaws now have a relationship with her again. We do not. She was invited to Thanksgiving last year, so we did not attend. We refuse to have any contact with her after what she did. Nor, has she tried to make amends with us. Instead we went to visit the in-laws the weekend before Thanksgiving.

Now we are at this year. We are assuming the sister will be at Thanksgiving again this year. My husband has been working 70+ hours per week for the last several months on a big project at work. He has been under a lot of stress so we have not discussed our Thanksgiving plans this year as I am trying not to put more on his plate. Here is my dilemma: we have 3 kids, the youngest is 6 months. She hates the car. Will cry the whole way. I do not want to ride in the car with her for 5 hours and travel up there to see them the weekend before Thanksgiving again. The in-laws have not even come down to see her since she has been born. I know it is because they don’t like to be around me. I was thinking of sending the MIL an email inviting them here for Thanksgiving. I doubt they will come. But I think DH might see it as a nice gesture. And he would be happy if they came. Should I discuss this with him first or just go ahead and extend the invitation? Discussing his parents is always stressful. He knows we don’t get a long and he sticks up for me when it has been needed with them but he tries to have somewhat of a relationship with his parents and I try (say that with a cringe) to respect that.

On a side note we have lived here for almost 10 years. They have been to visit less than 5 times. And it is not because they don’t like to travel. They go and visit other family members.

What can I do next?

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Well it sounds like you are thinking of every excuse to not go so don't go. After hubby being accused of molesting a child I wouldn't go there ever again but that's just me. Good luck in whatever you decide.

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I just have a few questions, does DH want to do thanksgiving with his parents around that sister? Or is against that also?
I think you guys have every right not to want to be around that sister. I also think you have a right to ask DH if you can just invite the IL's over. I would invite them the weekend before Thanksgiving, if he does agree to it. Then you both have to just accept if they come they come if not...then they don't and you move on.

But this is definitely something you have to get the ok from DH before you decide anything, since its his family.

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Wow, how sad that your in-laws haven't cared to come see their new grandchild. I would mention it to your husband first. But it's a nice gesture.

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Usually I'm a big advocate of doing what you have to do to keep peace with any in-laws but I totally understand your refusal to be around that particular SIL!
You're "assuming" SIL's going to be there, but not sure. Would anyone else know for sure yet? Would it make that big of a difference in your attitude about going if you knew she wouldn't be there? Have you been invited yet? If so, maybe others have been to & you could slyly check if she's going.
I'd just casually mention it to your husband like "What do you want to do for Thanksgiving this year--make the trek or spend a quiet one here at home? If home, would you like me to invite your parents?" That shouldn't be too stressful.
I wouldn't want to go either.

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Talk to the hubby first. Tell him that with all the work he's been having to do, with the stress of taking your six month old on a trip and the issues with the family, you'd rather stay home and celebrate on Thanksgiving with just your family (or maybe yours if that is the plan). Then tell him you'd still like to celebrate with his family and were thinking about inviting them down the weekend before (or after). Ask him what he thinks. If he doesn't think they'll make the drive, you could suggest meeting them at a restaurant 2 hours away for a meal.

I'd think that if you guys have been making all the trips up until now, it's time for them to come. Maybe even have him tell them that the baby doesn't travel well so you are staying home but they are welcome to come and visit anytime. Sounds like someone needs to stand up to his parents!

Good luck!

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If there's an invitation to be issued, it should be by your husband. The risk is that they will bring your SIL.

Stay home, have a restful and enjoyable Thanksgiving. Watch the parade and some football, play a board game or do a puzzle that the older kids can participate in, make a simple but festive meal that all will like, maybe invite a few friends if you know of anyone who doesn't have family or who can't travel. Don't invite anyone with a baby - you don't need a crying problem!

When I was growing up, the kids always made the stuffing - basically just tearing up the bread into pieces. It was my mother's way of keeping my grandmother out of her way - let granny "supervise" the kids. Maybe your husband could do this with the older kids. My son and husband do this now - then I add the cooked things to the stuffing (celery, onions etc.) At the table, everyone can say one thing they are thankful for - the older kids can guess what they think the 6 month old is grateful for. It will focus everyone on the positive at this time of stress for you.

Your husband can invite his parents for another weekend without a lot of activity or a holiday focus - that will make it easier for you. If they don't come, that's their problem. People with an infant often stay home from things, and your husband can use his job situation to explain to his parents why he is exhausted. He can leave you out of it. I don't think this situation is up to you to solve by sending an email invitation. Let him be in charge of his parents. He sticks up for you and that's terrific! (Something to be grateful for!!)

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you are a lovely person to persist in being gracious through such challenges.
yes, it's a kind and excellent gesture to invite his parents to your home for thanksgiving.
yes, you need to discuss it with your DH first. pick a time when his face isn't being eaten by work and worries.
it's okay to keep your fingers crossed that either he says no, or she declines. then you get a lovely, truly thankful holiday with your family and NO traveling.
i set forth the no-traveling-on-holidays edict years ago and have never regretted it. folks either come to us, or we get together around but not on the holiday. works great.
:) khairete
S.

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It sounds to me like your in-laws might be rude enough to bring your SIL with them if you invited them to Thanksgiving dinner. I would just not bother, and have Thanksgiving at your own house with your own nuclear family.

What a terrible situation your SIL put your husband in. I'm so sorry. Some people are selfish beyond belief.

All my best,
D.

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Bit of advice #1.) NEVER invite someone you hope won't come!

And at the risk of being preachy, Thanksgiving by definition is....well you know what I'm gonna say....

You do not need an EXCUSE to enjoy your husband and your children exclusively on Thanksgiving, or any other day for that matter.

I am a forgive and forget kind of person, celebrate everyone's strengths, work around differences, make everyday an important one, blah blah blah, you know the type....he who is the most generous (especially towards those who wrong us) things wins in the end, and so on....

What will bring you the greatest amount of peace, or rather, what will bring you the least amount of stress? Will you gain validation that you're a 'good' person by shaking off the past and embracing these 'losers'? Or will you gain validation by dissin' them all (including your DH) and doin' it your way?

So yes, your gesture of inviting the in-laws for you is a HUGE compromise, so you need to be prepared for them to actually show up!

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I have to agree with the others here. These in-laws sound pretty dysfunctional. Thre are all kinds of degrees of dysfunction.

I have a very dysfunctional SIL and as much as we'd prefer to avoid her - (we've stopped going to her house altogether becaase it's disgustingly filthy and they all have serious hygiene problems) we do extend invites to her for the normal family holiday dinners. They're bitter and mean - they can't see that all of their problems (health, finances, etc. ) are a result of continued poor choices. But we still invite her and her husband & now adult son and they rarely come. I always call a few weeks ahead and extend the invitation and the standard response is always "I'll have to see what my inlaws have planned and get back to you" - every time that she's agreed to come she called either the day before or the morning of the holiday to tell us she's coming. I see it as passive-aggressive. I know she resents us because she thinks we're "lucky" and have "everything" - when really we've just worked hard, saved money, and deferred gratification for years to get our modest home, old-but-paid-for cars, etc. But the bottom line is that she is family, she really doesn't have much else and the most I can do is show her God's love and be gracious and kind.

Yiou do have to run this past your husabnd - so while you're doing something else like making dinner or folding clothes, say something like "I was thinking we should invite your parents for Thanksgiving or the weekend before or after - I know you've been working long hours so I didn't think you'd want to take that long drive. It's up to you honey." Even if they are nuts - which sounds like they could be (who doesn't go see a new grandbaby who lives only 5 hours away?) be the bigger person. Acknowledge that your husaband, as much as he may recognize his family's flaws, loves them. You don't have to love them - but do this for hyour husband who you do love. 2 things will come of this - your kids will learn by example how to handle difficult family situations - which are not uncommon. And God will honor the fact that you're doing the right thing as it regards your in-laws. You'll be blessed by doing so - I don't know how but you will be.

With any luck they won't come - but you've extended the invitation. I'd make it flexible for your MIL & FIL as well - but I would do it via phone call. The older generation would consider an email rude. Make it light and simple "Hi Sally - Since Sam has been working such long hours and with the baby we just won't be able to make it to you for Thanksgiving but we'd like to have you visit with us for Thanksgiving, or the weekend before if that's more workable for you." And leave it at that. With any luck you'll get their answering machine and you can just leave the message.
As others have said - if they do come schedule busy-ness.
you don't have to like them - you just have to be polite, nice and tolerate them for a couple of days.

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