"I Won't Be Your Friend Anymore If..."

Hello C., You are right, your daughter needs to learn how to say NO!
If she does not learn now it may be harder later. I think , just about, every child goes through this. Talk with her daughter, have her thinking- not just going by emotions. Is so and so.. acting like a real friend? How do good friends act? Would you say or act like that? What should you do then if so and so says she won't be your friend?
It is good for any child girl or boy to learn how to stand up for themself. When she confronts the other child again, it may help the other girl learn that her behavior is not ok. Next- you can talk with her Mother. But first it is very important that your child starts to learn how to say no and stand up for what is right.

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It sounds to me like her friend has probably been around older kids and has heard this saying before and realizes she can get what she wants if she says it. I doubt at that age that she truly understands what it means. Anyway, that is besides the point I guess. I think that you should talk to your daughter about how to handle those situations and with time she will realize and stand up for herself. Remind her before she sees her friend about what you role played and how she should react if her friend does say that again. If you really want to, you could do a reward chart or something of the like that positively rewards her if she stands up for herself and doesn't give in to this friend. My son is super sensitive and crys often over things with friends, and I have found doing a reward chart for not crying has helped. Also, you could possibly try talking to this girl's mother and explain that it really upsets your daughter when her daughter says that stuff. Maybe the parent is unaware that her daughter is saying that stuff. Or, maybe she doesn't care. You could try talking to her and try to not pass judgement or sound mean. Try to word it so that she doesn't get offended.

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I spent a while trying to say "that's not nice" etc, but I ended up with "we don't say that". I explain to the other child (when at our home) that we don't say that and it ends immediately. I also encourage turns with that they play and the toys they play with.

It's a manipulative technique. My daughter's friends have older siblings and it's usually those ones who try to manipulate. I tried to explain that to my daughter.

We're not all the way there yet, but we are doing better.

Good luck.

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Isn't that sad that kids have to be that manipulative. I dealt with these problems with my daughter at that age. Sadly, it's peer pressure at a young age. I did a lot of role playing with stuffed animals and dolls when she was young. Seeing her "stuffed animals" get into bullying situations and standing up for themselves, and asking my daughter how to solve their problems while keeping it fun, helped her deal with these situations. To teach a child that saying "NO" is the right thing to do - IS a hard concept because they don't like anyone to be mad at them or to not be included in an activity. That's how role-playing will help her. It wasn't easy but my daughter is 13, now, and it's easier for her to recognize and deal with bullying, peer pressure and injustice. She is a good problem-solver at her age. It's been different with my son. We role play or I will play devil's advocate, once in a while but, he's 9 and my children get along well but they are different people with different personalities. Could it be a difference between boys and girls - possibly. I've definitely been more challenged with my daughter's friends than my sons. Good luck!

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So sorry to hear she is going through this.

I would say this is bullying. This is a learned behavior. I would consider talking to the mother. My girl friend had the same problem with her daughter. The little girl next door only wanted to play with her when she had no one else to play with. My when she went to school she to longer wanted to play with the girl next door because she made all new friends that liked her for who she is.

So consider next year your daughter will be in pre-school or kindergarten. She will make new friends and she will see this is not good behavior.

You also could consider getting your daughter involved with summer day camps or play ground programs available at most City Recreation Departments. (Woodstock has one that meets 4 mornings a week and children are with the same group every day) She will be around other children and she will see this is not proper behavior.

Best of Luck,
S.

C. D:
This sounds like it started before it got to your daughter's friend. How is the relatioship between the older brother and the 4 year old? Your daughter may feel that she has to do what the older friends says to do because she has to do that at home? Have a mother/daughter moments and find out how your daughter feels, make her the center of that time so that she can and will open up to you to explain as best as she can why she feels she has to give in. As mothers we sometimes put our children in situations by placing the older siblings in charge; when this happens, things don't always work out. Kiss your daughter, let her know she has a RIGHT to say no, and then help her change.

Wow, what a manipulative little girl. She's really not a "friend" to your daughter. Just keep reinforcing with your daughter what you've already been talking to her about, to "just say no". Teach her to tell the girl that "I don't like it when you say ____. It makes me feel like I'm already not your friend." or something to that effect.

Also, talk with that kid's mother. This bullying, manipulative behavior has to stop, and the mom needs to be made aware that it's going on. Just think of it this way, if you don't say anything to the mom, and the little girl continues this behavior, what's she going to be like as a teenager? worse yet, as an adult? You'll be giving that little girl a great deal, a great foundation for her future, by talking to her mother very soon.

That is a hard topic to topple. I remember my oldest son dealing with that with his cousin who is two years older, around the same age as your daughter. As much as I really wanted to say, "he's not worth playing with if he is going to treat you that way", I held the mother hen within and explained that it is okay to tell him how he makes him feel and that it makes him sad. And I also told my brother what his son, who at the time was an only child and was accustomed to receiving everything he wanted, that it was hurting my son's feelings and it would be nice for him to take the matter of his son's behavior into his own hands. I have to admit that at times, although my brother did talk to my nephew, that my nephew continued to try his antics on my son but this time my son would just walk away from him, not give in, and then later my nephew would see that it didn't feel good playing alone and they both would just forget about the situation at hand. Who knew that being a parent we'd have to handle situations like this. Maybe I'm getting old but it seemed much easier as a child and less complicated. I am not sure if anything I said has or will help but at least you know your not alone and it will eventually pass. Just be honest with your daughter, ask her how it feels when it happens again, and also ask her what she thinks she would do if someone came to her and told her someone is acting the same way. It's surprising for both them and us when the situation is reversed. Good luck, Shel

I have a daughter with a couple of friends who are like that. I usually try to pressure my daughter to stand up for herself so when the friend says "I won't be your friend unless you....." I'll have so OK so you want me to have my mom call yours so she can pick you up. Or sometimes I'll do that to the girls if I over hear the "I won't" comment, I'll first see to make sure my daughter is being fair and to make sure it's not all about her and if not I'll tell her little friend that we don't act like that in our home so if she would like she can play nice we would love to have her stay and play or I can call mom so she can be picked up. I have yet to have any of the girls says OK I want to go home. After a few visits the girls pick up on my rules and now have become respectful (at least in my home). Also communicate with your daughter as much as you can remind her what a great person she is and how proud of her you are that she knows right from wrong and how to treat people. Enpower her with self confidence so she'll start cutting the girls off at the knees (in a nice way) when they start to give her a hard time. This process will take some time and effort on your part but it will be worth it. Your daughter will be a stronger person for it. Best of luck!!!!!!

Hey C. ,
I have a 6yr old girl who has this happen all of the time. I think God put tender hearted girls in this world to teach us something. I tell my little girl to walk away. I explain to her that if they are going to treat you that way , then they aren't her friends . She still goes back to playing with them even after being hurt. We have this happen at least once a week.
I have her enrolled her in the park district's summer camp to give her different kids to play with, because I can't repeat last summer and all of it's Drama .
All of us with Girls should get together at the park sometime. We could help them gang up against all of those Mean Girls . :)
K. D

Thanks for posting this question. My almost five-year old son has started saying this to my husband and me. Actually he says "I'm not your friend anymore!" when he's really upset--usually from being told he can't do/have something. Sometimes I've caught myself saying "tht's fine" when I've just had enough. But most of the time I try to reflect his feelings by saying, " so, you're feeling upset with me right now?"
He also uses "If....then..." to try to manipulate situations. I'm sure some of this came from his classmates at preschool, but I also think some of it comes from the language we use as parents..."If you go outside without permission, you won't be allowed outside the rest of the day." My son is a really sweet kid most of the time. I think this is all just a part of learning how to socialize. I do agree that this type of language/manipulation should not be tolerated...simply b/c it's hurtful to the other person (and in our situation somewhat disrespectful to my husband and me). I liked the ideas to say "that's not how we talk to friends," "that's not being nice and friends s/b nice to each other" as well as "it hurts me when you say that to me (but not the added "I will still be your friend even if you don't want to be mine" simply b/c I don't believe one has to be friends with everyone...though people do have to always treat others kindly and with respect). So with all that being said...I have been known to be a rambler...I think maybe we might focus on the idea that "it's okay to be upset/angry, etc. with me, but it's not okay to be hurtful or unkind."

Hi C.,
You need to slowly wean her away from this friend. Don't tell her that you are doing this or that she can't play with that girl anymore. My daughter (then 5) had a best friend who was mean & selfish. I told my daughter to tell her friend that she wasn't being nice & friends should be nice to each other. When that didn't work, I started setting up play dates with other kids her age. We found a couple of other girls that she really enjoyed playing with. She still sees her other friend, but not as often. Now when that friend isn't being nice she's not as hurt because she knows she has other friends.

It starts early doesn't it? Plain & simple this is a form of bullying. Some of my daughter's grade school classmates were very good at manipulating others at an early age. It took time and many learning opportunities for my daughter to understand that we teach others how to treat us. Perhaps you can set up scenarios with friends & family where you can model the behaviors you want her to develop? I used to role play with my children, too.

my daughter experienced this very thing, as a parent it was painful to watch - i found myself giving her a place to say how it is that she feels and she came up with her her own solution - to this day and she's now 17 she carries this same philosophy - in pre-school when girls would say this she'd reply - "it hurts me that you'd say that to me, i want you to know I will still be your friend even if you don't want to be mine" To this day she carries the I am everyone's friend close to heart

as far as the ring. we had that type of incident as well and we had discussions about the importance *things*, our biggest joke is in 5 years from now will that thing still have the same meaning to you ?? when she was little - like age 5 she would say " well mom by then I'd be 10 and too big for that ring " It put things in perspective

and i say this not to point at diversity but we saw this particular phrasing - i won't be your friend anymore with certain girls ....

Hey C. Im J. I also have a daugter she is 16 months and they can be a challenge.Im not sure if this good advice but in my opinion I would talk to the other little girls mother tell her what her child is doing and go from there maybe it will help the sisutation.Also if it was happening to my daugter and I caught it first hand I would say something to the little girl sometimes we are are childrens biggest advocate. hope I could help

I'm an elementary music teacher and I hear that from the preschoolers all the time - it drives me nuts! The only thing I can think of that your daughter can say is "If you're really my friend you wouldn't be trying to bully me like that!" But that might be over their heads...

My 5.5 year old son and his pals pull this all the time, especially one friend in particular. My son will come over to report it to me and is very upset by it, but I try to explain to him that his friend doesn't really mean it but he's just upset and he's trying to express that. So I help my son find ways to say no, or compromise, or shrug it off with the knowledge that his friend is just upset right now but he'll get over it eventually. I don't think this is really bullying at this age, because these kids don't nearly have the language or understanding of what "never be your friend anymore" really means. They are simply trying to show how mad they are (or disappointed or hurt or whatever) by using very extreme words. So help your daughter find ways to compromise (let her friend wear the ring for the duration of the play date, but not take it home) so that she's not getting run over by the threat.

Girls are different than boys. I would have never thought this to be true, they just are. My daughter has experience this since she was in day care at two and still sees it at ten.
I suggest encouraging your daughter to find friendships that are not dominated by one party, have her talk about each of the neighbor/classroom girls to be friends with and help her choose more suitable friends. Then encourage her to stay away from the negative relationships.
Society is not like when we were kids and everyone just went out side and found someone to play with. There is more stucture in our kids lives, we are forced to help them sort through and find suitable friendships, they are not as spontaneous as when we were kids.

I have a 5 year old boy and I am going through the same problem. He plays with the neighbor who is 6 but treats my son really bad. My son is very kind so it makes me upset to see someone treat him badly. Anyway, I have explained to him that not everyone is nice and if they can't be nice then you shouldn't play with that person because it's not even a fun play it's more that they play for 10 minutes then my son comes home upset. It will be interesting to see what other moms have to say. I have actually enrolled my son at the YMCA so he can associate with more kids. Where I live, there in no other kids just my son and the neighbor. Good luck.

Little girls can be very nasty. I have a 9 year old and she still gets that from some of the girls at school. I have learned to just listen and not offer advice because the next day it is all forgotten and they are best buddies again. The best advice I can give is to let your daughter know that if she really doesn't want to give something up for her friend and the friend says "I won't be your friend anymore". Stick to her guns and tomorrow all will be forgotten, if not then she really wasn't your friend after all.

C., I so agree that this is the beginning of bullying and manipulation and this kid learned this at home. One of her parents or siblings does the same to her.

Perhaps talking with the parents will help.

Ask you daughter what other girls she likes to play with. Arrange to have a family over that has a girl her age. Start expanding her options. Then reinforce the positive play experience she had with her new "friends." Soon she will let go of the present one.

In years to come, this is not a good friend for your daughter.
M.

I am interested in hearing other's advice too!

This is called bullying and manipulation--and even tho kids do it, I am sooo not into my child learning to accept this behaviour. I can only believe that low self esteem would develope thru this interaction, and a sense of being defeated and not deserving.

ICK!

I'm actually trying to move my son from a classroom so not to be around one of his "friends" and they are only 3!! Geesh, where is parent conference when you need it?

Although my daughter is older than yours, at 9 she had a situation with a girl who had been her best friend since 1st grade. All of a sudden during the last year she would come over for a play date and deliberately break things that belonged to my daughter, she tore the bed sheets off of her bed, she grabbed her journal and scribbled all over the pages with a colored pencil, she would go through all of my daughter's drawers even when my daughter would ask her not to. Finally, she told my daughter that she didn't want to be her friend anymore because she wasn't cool enough and didn't have an ipod, plus other "cool" items. At that point my daughter said that she would like to go downstairs (they were in her bedroom) and discuss what was going on between them with me and the other girl's mother who was having coffee with me. However, the other girl jumped in front of the door and blocked her from leaving saying that her mother would never believe my daughter. She was right. After they left and I saw and heard what had been going on, I called her mother because we were (I thought) good friends and I wanted her to know the situation. I felt this was out of character for the other girl and was concerned for her that maybe this was prompted by something going on at school with her daughter - maybe she is being bullied by the other girls and was taking it out on my daughter. However, she didn't believe my daughter was telling the truth and just kept saying that her daughter is a "little angel." I later spoke with the father who is a psychiatrist and he felt we should all just pretend it didn't happen. Sorry - it did happen and I am not going to put my daughter in that situation again. We have declined any invitations to get together with them and told them why. I don't worry about my daughter sticking up for herself because I have taught her to say no, etc. but at the same time she just has no interest in this "friend" anymore. I think what hurt her the most was that she was told she wasn't cool and that the parents thought she was making it all up. Unfortunately, it cost us a friendship - but then again, what kind of friends were they? I was truly concerned about their daughter and they chose to turn a blind eye - not doing their child any good.

Just as a side note - when my daughter and this girl were in school together, this girl was constantly being bullied and my daughter would intervene on her behalf. This couple had to go to the school on several occassions to speak with the teacher about the bullying issue. But when their daughter starts doing it, they ignore it.

I guess my whole point is that don't be surprised if the parents don't take it seriously. They should because someone has to make sure this type of behavior is stopped. As others have said, you may end up having to distance yourself, like we did.

It is unbelievable how many have responded to you because they have also witnessed similar behaviour. I just don't remember it being this bad when I was growing up - not sure what that says about our society today. Good luck!

I would definitely encourage your daughter to say NO and to stand up for herself to this particular friend. Also, just my opinion, would it be so terrible if they weren't friends? Bullys only go as far as you let them - if this other girl starts losing friends because of her behavior, SHE just be the one to change and become nicer. Just a thought.

Sometimes you need to help your kids stand up for themselves, until they get a little older. If the friend threats her that say nicely "thats not how we talk to friends, she (daughters name) wants to have you as friend. Being a friend doesn't mean you can have anything you want at anytime. As far as the birthday situation, you can always remind the friend that it is her birthday, so the toy on top is a present for the birthday girl, and maybe on her birthday she will get a special toy on her cake. I think it is appropiate to kindly stand up for your childern, and it doesn't mean they can't still be friends. Kids will get away with as much as you let them. Good luck

Hello C. - I had the same situation with my daughter a a girl at her school told my daughter that she looks poor. I do belive that hurt me more than it did my daughter. The only thing that you can do is to continue to support and love your daughter. Tell your daughter that it's ok to say no. You can also speak to her friend's mother, because that could be the onset for the little girl becoming a bully. Also incourage your daughter to make other friends, because she is your little princess. Take care!

Talk to that "friend" and let her know that she is not being very nice and that she wouldn't like it if the situation was opposite (word it so she understands) and I'de talk to the mom also, in a concerned way. Maybe the mom will talk to the daughter. Good luck. I wouldn't want to think that any mom wants their child to grow up nasty.

I have a 5 year old who has picked up this behavior from a cousin and it is making me crazy. The other day she had another preschool friend over to our home and I caught her several times saying she was going to "break up their friendship" if her friend did not play what she wanted to play. I talked to her right away about how to be a good friend and hope that she does not do that when she is at playdates away from home. My advise is when you hear that stuff going on, try not to judge, kids pick up undesirable behaviors from cousins and older siblings, but good parenting can nip it in the bud! Just remind them often how a good friend is suppose to act!

I've told my girls (five and three) and the little guy I babysit (who is four) that if one of them says that to the other they are to tell them....

Well you aren't my friend because you are trying to take my things...or you are trying to make me do what you want. And tell them that if you are going to be mean to me then I'm not going to be your friend. That usually works for them...it is just a matter of them remembering to say that.

Girls are sensitive for sure and then you have those that are learning to manipulate others at a young age...those are the ones that will bust out crying when their husband doesn't do what they want....emotional blackmail.

If my girls don't remember to say what I've told them and I hear the situation...then I calmly walk over and tell the manipulator that it is very mean to try to force your friends to do things by scaring them. A real friend doesn't try to force their friends to do things and then I will walk my girls away. (I have a neice that likes to play that game) They tend to look at me with mouth wide open. I don't do it in a mean way but very calm.

Good luck!! This kind of behavior will continue even through highschool. We have all seen the spoiled, center of attention, popular girl try to manipulate and blackmail all the other girls that want to be her friend. So it is a good idea that you are trying to teach your little one how to handle it now. Hopefully you can instil in her some personal pride and self respect that she will be able to overcome her need for acceptance and turn away from people like that.

good luck!!

This is bullying. Your daughter is so young that she still needs a lot of help and shelter in a serious area like this. She should be instructed to go to her teacher or caregiver for help. Call her friend's mom to explain the situation. That mother should be aware of this so she can help her daughter learn appropriate social behavior. (not a mean confrontational thing of course - they are so young, I'm sure that little girl picked it up from somewhere and just needs too know that it's not ok)