I Want to Do More than survive...husband Out of Town for a Long Time!

It is totally normal to feel overwhelmed and not know day to day if you will be able to handle it. My husband has been traveling for 5 years. Gone for months at a time. We have a 6 yr old, 2 yr old, and 12 week old. I still am not "comfortable" with it. I just try to wake up with a smile on my face and keep the day busy!

There is no strategy ....you just Do It...my daughters husband is normally gone 7 months a year...he's in the Navy. She deals with the same issues you have everyday...and yes, she complains to me about it all the time....but she still does it and she works a full time job and does the sport meets on top of that with her son. Good luck...I know it's hard!

I have been there girl! My husband travels a lot with work and is gone for up to 3 weeks at a time and mostly this time of year. I have four kids and it is tough to say the least! We also have had MAJOR life-altering events hitting us over and over again the last 3 years so I really do get it. Here is my survival plan:

- I let a lot of things go
- I let my kids help me - a lot! (they are 11, 5, 3, 10mos)
- The house does not need to be perfect
- I plan EASY meals or order pizza
- I get up at 4am every day
- I make sure I stop and smell the roses
- I do not make big plans for anything (however I would take a road trip, sometimes it's easier to be away)
- I let the kids decorate for the holidays to include making holiday crafts (of course, I help a little)
- I make a special effort to plan fun stuff (hard but important)
- I STOP worrying

As much as I miss my husband, I typically like the freedom to run the house as I see fit. I do not have to run things by him, I can choose an order that works, etc.

Good luck!

I understand that you feel overwhelmed.
There is so much you are having to do on your own.
This is the time to call on friends.
Or to hire help.
A baby sitter or a mothers helper.
A house keeper
Maybe ask other parents to pick up your older children.

Let your children you know you need help.
They can help with the laundry. Teach them how to separate the clothing.
Teach the 8 year how to put them in the washer and the detergent.

Get them to put things in the dryer and how to fold.
Our daughter used to love to match the socks. She had a little grocery cart, she would roll it to the different bedrooms with the folded clothes.

We ate off of paper plates when I was working full time.
I tried to make one pan dishes (chicken fried rice, fideo, arroz.. I will send you the recipes..

.. Or make double recipes.. Or crock pot meals. Many times, I tried to freeze the left overs so we could eat them a week later or 2 weeks later.

Sometimes, we just had canned soup and grilled cheese. Or omelets.
I would let our daughter "help" break the eggs, look through the fridge for the things to put in the omelets. She would make the toast.. French toast, sandwiches..

For the birthday party, do it very simple. Or plan it for when your husband is back in town.
Birthday cake and juice boxes.
Have few games and do not worry about goodie bags.
Again, get a friend to help you with this.

Consider skipping the 10 hour drive for the holidays.. That is just too much stress for all of you. Instead see if you can find others that do not have family in town and you all get together.Maybe you make the Turkey and have pot luck or a sign up sheet for the other dishes.

Or find a family restaurant to eat out at. I noticed a place here in town is selling a whole turkey dinner for $39.95. All you have to do is pick it up that morning. ..

We have actually done this before when I was a child, my mother had been hit by a car. She was fine, but my dad did not want her cooking. Everything came in a big box.. We just heated it all up.
It was kind of fun not having her slaving in the kitchen and having the stress of driving all over the place.

We played games, we drove around to look at the lights the city had put up..

Maybe go to the movies.. I think the Muppet Movie will be out by then,.

Make things easier on yourself.

Children do not need "activities" . They just want time with their parents. So read books together, play some games. watch a video in the dark like a theater. Make smores.

Consider camping out in the living room one night.. Make palettes on the floor...(2 year old may do better with a normal night routine).

Just do your best. You can do this.

I agree, let your standards slide. Rest whenever you can. Simplify everything you possibly can. You are doing a very nice thing for your husband by supporting him. Be good to yourself. Teach them to help you cook and do chores. My kids LOVED helping me, as long as I was right by their side the whole time. Paper plates and cups need to be your best friends. AND above all, be grateful that you have 3 beautiful children and a husband who has the character to love his Mom through a difficult time. Take care of YOU!!! :)

I'm sorry you've been through so many losses in your family. That alone can be overwhelming.
Yes, it's normal to feel overwhelmed. And no...you are not cheating your kids because of it unless you absolutely cannot see a way to snap yourself out of a negative funk.

I've been a single mom for 14 years. My youngest child is 16 and I've worked full time outside the home to support us all. It gets tiring and overwhelming, but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and allow yourself to think of something besides all that you feel is piled on you right now. You've had a lot of loss, but you have a loving husband and 3 healthy kids.
Take things one day at a time, take things in doable doses, even bath time can be a time to have some fun and giggles. I handle things with humor. I truly think that's the only way I have survived some days. Luckily, my kids got my sense of humor and being silly to break up the tension of the day came naturally to them.
When things seem the crappiest....sometimes you just have to laugh.

Best wishes.

My suggestion is to let some of your standards slide a little. For you, this is a temporary thing, and while keeping things perfect would be great, that is not realistic. Figure out the things that really matter, and let go of a few other things.
For example, only when my husband is gone - the kids are allowed to watch TV before school. That is when I can get a shower, and know they are happy, and not getting into things. (Mine are younger than yours, 3 kids 5 and under.) Am I super mom letting them have screen time - probably not - however, it gives me a few minutes on my own to collect my thoughts for the day, and does not make me give up sleep. (Which with the littlest guy, is still a challenge.) Those are my priorities. :) When he comes home, then no TV again. :)

It is overwhelming. That said, you can do it. Let things slide if needed. Hugging the kids and making sure they are doing OK is MUCH more important than the house. :)

I feel for you, I really do! I get the gone for a long time, my husband is military and he gets to deplo for 15 months straight (well, he does get 2 weeks r and r every 3 to 6 months so i guess it isn't really 15 months straight) At first is is really overwhelming but you get into the swing and you can start doing those fun things agian. Don't worry.

Saramy,

You've already received some great advice, so I'm pretty much just going to add some moral support. Because you sound like you're taking care of everyone except yourself.

Right now, you are both mom and dad and the burden is overwhelming. My husband is gone Monday through Friday each week for work. (This week, through Saturday) And he's been doing this for months. And it's tough. It's tough keeping above water mentally and physically.

To get myself through the week I try to plan a dinner in the middle of the week where my brother and his family, or a friend and their family can come to dinner and the kids can play. Even though it makes it hard to do on a school night, it's good for everyone. It gives the kids something to look forward to and it gives me a chance to speak to another adult and bounce some fears and frustrations off another capable person. I never stress about the dinner - usually it's just spaghetti or hot dogs on paper plates. You don't have to break your back or the bank for something like that.

Please realize what an amazing job you've already done. I admire you for what you're already accomplishing. So cut yourself some slack! Take a deep breath and give yourself a pat on the back, Momma!

And feel free to send me a private message any time you want to complain!

I understand. Many years ago there was a 2 year period that we lost 15 family members. Also when I divorced, it was 4 months after I started an insurance agency from scratch, lost my home (harder than losing my ex actually), and had to move me and the kids in with my mom. Not a fun time in my life. But I made it thru and my life is SO much better since then. Sometimes its ok if the floor doesn't get mopped or things get done. You just do the basics and everything else can wait for a better time to do them. I'm wishing you the best...hugs!

Oh my goodness - we are ALL this overwhelmed at times!!!!! I am a single parent (to only one great daughter) and IT IS HARD to do without support. Add to the mix additional kids, and a spouse to whom YOU have to be the support and aren't getting any in return and it's like a triple whammy.

The FIRST thing you need to do is figure out what can give. We did pizza one night a week. And we always have leftovers one night. So that was 2 nights I don't have to cook, which gives me extra time.

The SECOND thing you have to do is figure out how to get yourself some time. YES. It's imperative that you have some time. Remember that when you are in an airline crisis you PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON FIRST. If you burn out and are unhappy you can't be there for your kids.
Find SOMEONE who can give you a break. For a long time I had another single mom and we traded out child care every other week for an entire 24 hours. Pickup Friday after school until around 5pm on Saturday. She took my daughter and the next week I took her daughter and son.

Can you hire someone to help? Not sure what your finances are and if you are paying for airfare back and forth overseas that can affect things as well, so there is that stress.

THIRD - absolutely complain - but just not in earshot of your kids or hubby :-). It's not about that everyone does it, so you shouldn't complain. But everyone does it, so you know you have a RIGHT to complain, cuz yep - it's tough. So, we know that it's tough. commiseration breeds camaraderie. And knowing other people have the same struggles is usually VERY helpful.

Chin up!

THIS TOO WILL PASS

I have been through this for two years and four young children.
Just let yourself Be
Find a book that will up lift you that you can really sink yourself into.

May God Bless you dear

Oh honey, first of all it's okay to feel overwhelmed.
Everything will return as you once knew it.
LET ALL THINGS GO THAT DO NOT NEED TO BE DONE: some housework things, play w/your kids, feel blessed for your health and that of your kids.
You are not cheating your kids. Life happens to all of us. I pray for your huband's mom and she is blessed to have him there w/her.
Now about you:
-take a deep breath
-let the little stuff go. Only concentrate on the big things: care of your
children, meals, laundry, hugs for your kids, a break for yourself at night.
-thank you lucky stars 4 your beautiful life. Having said that......know that you will get through this difficult time. This too shall pass.
-It's not a pity party. You are going through a difficult time.
-You are supporting your hubby by letting him be w/his mom & you being
here for your kids.
-You are not Superwoman. You are human w/limitations. You get tired. Like a battery.....you need to re-jevenate.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Give yourself 15 mins every day to feel
overworked, tired & just plain yucky. Then leave those feelings in your bedroom, go out & kick behind. You know you can do it honey! You go girl!
-Tomorrow take the kids to the park (weather permitting) or an inexpensive dinner (budget permitting), watch a cute DVD w/them (the toilet scrubbing can wait :), hug them (they are your blessings!), watch the news for 5 mins to realize we are lucky & so many people around the world have things so much worse & pray for them, call a friend, find a little humor whenever you can
-Know this won't go on forever
-Choose your battles, where you put your energy & let slide what does not matter (the baseboards can wait....you get my drift).
-Tomorrow morning...concentrate on your child's 5th birthday (make a list, buy some decorations so you'll be ready, look for a present)
-For Christmas, so as much shopping online & try to get free shipping. Look into Amazon.com, Wal-mart.com etc.
-Child's 5th birthday (get pin the tail on the donkey, get a pinata, make some cupcakes, get a few great gifts, decide who you are going to invite over (tacos, finger food or appetizers, streamers, ballons, his gifts ((buy them now)).
Wishing you love, patience, easy times, peace of mind.
Much love hang in there, one day at a tiime :)

WStop trying to be super mom! Have the kids help you with cleaning and forget about the rest. Even the 2 year old can help. My daughter is almost 3 and she loves to wipe down counters and she is in charge of her toys. Anything left out gets "lost" overnight. It only takes a couple of night with a garbage bag to get help. Fyi- she earned her toys back. As for dinner do you have a crock pot? I work long hours and this is the only way my family gets a home cooked meal! I wish your family the best and remeber to take care of mom :)

This is only for a short time. Do not worry about the temporary. Decide what is not important and let it go for now. I'm assuming you are telling them what is going on and that their dad is helping their grandmother. What a lesson there , compassion and love for others. They will do the same for you one day. Give age appropriate jobs to your kids. You can make the jobs fun. Don't beat yourself up because you have to adjust to your circumstances. You can make any time into family time through just playing music and singing together as a family to just sitting on the couch together reading or bonding. I understand what you are going through it keeps piling on. I won;t get into my family situation but I make time to pray, read, rest and take care of myself and things seem to go smoother when I stick to this. It doesn't take a long time. I am more at ease and less stressed out and can manage things better when I do this. If I don't I always crash and I end up exhausted and getting nothing done. I also set reasonable goals for myself. I allow some things to go. My house is not immaculate. Dust can be found and my floors need mopping but I don't worry about it.

I dont know how military wives(or husbands) do it for months on end. I dont know how single parents with kids full time do it. I dont ever want to be in thier shoes. But I was married and had a couple kids when my husband had to work out of town a lot. I know how you feel being the only one who gets up to take care of the kids, take out the trash, cook the meals, wipe their noses, change the tv station, drive them wherever, answer their N E V E R E N D I N G questions and do everything else all at the same time! The list is huge and sometimes you just want to sit in the chair and cry because there isnt anyone else to do any of it! At least its not terribly long, as with military deployed. At least you are getting a little break when he does come home. Im sure you miss him too. I found when our son was nearly 6 and I was 7 months pregnant and my husband had to go out of town for 6 weeks that it really helped to just play with my son. Not so much strict chores or usual routine, but just play. Sit at the table and play games, be silly, watch kids movies together and go for walks. Make it all about them, (they miss daddy too) and it will sorta carry you away too and get your mind off how much you really wish dad was there to do stuff with them. If you can, hire a teen girl to come in and play with them while you do what you need. Tell her its her job to get them a drink, tie their shoes, read the book, color and play with toys with them, so you can shower, or read the paper, or make a few phone calls, or whatever. Just not being the only one for the kids to come to for help will be a BIG help.

I hear ya sista! My husband works 2 states away - it's a 12 hour drive, he's there a week and here a week . . . sometimes there 2 weeks here a week - he makes more in the week he's there then a month of working a job here. And love having him home for a week - over all, we net more time with him. Anyway, I feel you pain when he's gone. My kids are older - 12, 6 and 4 weeks. My biggest problem right now is I"m exhausted - baby is not sleeping. I do a lot of crock pot meals, even though I'm home all day - haha. I try to get the house picked up at night so when we get up, the house is at least clean. The house isn't spottless. We try to find things to do - park, coffee shop, etc. Wal-Mart trips are a big deal and it's a planned event - haha. You just have to take it one day at a time and plan ahead. I do notice, especially if hubby is gone for more than a week, we get in our groove and its disrupted when he comes home. We do talk on the phone A LOT and text A LOT - it helps with missing him.

KNOW....

The hardest part about this is that it IS temporary.

If you were a single mom, or had a jerk of a husband, you'd be set up. Your support systems would be in place, you'd have a pattern you could groove to, time carved out (for work, for silly, for mommy-movie-nights where you and the kids all pile into your bed to stay up late, for kid time, for self time).

You DON'T have that... because you're used to your husband being there to pick up the slack.

INSTEAD... what you have is CONSTANT transitions.

So work with that.

From now on... every "plane day" have a plan of what you and the kids do. When you know your husband is going to be gone... it's time to look up a "camp" that might be running, or a kids play, or what a maid would cost for a once a week thing for a month. Call your kids' friends... because just as YOU would be more than thrilled to do a planned playdate once a month to help out a friend in your situation, so would THEY (by and large).

DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF to those of us who never have help. We're used to that.

DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF to those who usually have help (in the form of a spouse).

Your husband's mom is dying and he's on the jump to be flying back and forth to the UK and your house is in chaos right now. That's OKAY. It's just time to get a little creative to put the fun back in ALL your lives. Which means GETTING HELP AND CUTTING some things out.

Don't worry too much about bad habits. Kids adjust fairly quickly. Plane days don't turn into EVERY days. "Just Mom" time can have different rules and different norms. And your kids will (in the fashion of every military family I've ever known) adjust VERY quickly to different rules at different times.

So cut yourself some slack, and change things up. Things aren't normal right now, so don't try and hold yourself to normal. It's time to mix it up.

I vote with starting with a movie day (or something similar). Something rare for the kids that will make them happy AND give you some time to just sit and get some of your chutzpah back.

You're worth it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your husband. The impending death of a family member is so stressful in and of itself, even if you aren't there to see it. Holding the fort at home is so hard too.

Can you ease up on yourself and give yourself a break? The house doesn't have to be perfect. You can read to the kids, watch a movie with them, keep them close and play soft music, and just let them relax some. You don't have to do any adventures right now. On the weekend, if you want to take them to McDonalds and let them play in the ball pit, that might help you take a mental break while they get some exercise. That might just be adventure enough.

They undoubtedly feel your stress, and maybe that's why the negative behavior you are seeing is creeping in.

I understand about having trouble supporting your husband when what you want to share are your troubles at home. Hopefully writing about it here will help some?

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but it's okay if you don't get everything done, Mom.

Prayers going out to you and your family at this difficult time.
Dawn

Laurie A. said everything that I would have said. But do make sure you take time for you. Even 10 minutes after everone has gone to bed. I have 4 boys and even though I am married to a wonderful man who is home most of the time, we run into the same problems and it seems that we are heading in different directions with 0 - 4 kids and nothing gets done and when we plan to do nothing or plan to get the 'chores' caught up Murphy's Law comes into play.

Breathe and remember to put a smile on your face - fake it till you make it if needbe. The kids appreciate that!