I Want Our Bed Back!

I would put her back into the crib. She is so young and maybe she isn't ready.

If you do not want to try putting her back in the crib, we purchased a wonderful night light for my daughter's room. You set the actual time and then a time for the moon to glow (at night) and for the sun to glow (in the morning). My daughter knows she is not allowed out of bed when the moon is on. When the moon changed to sun, she is allowed to get up! I don't know how well this will work for an almost-2yr old (since kids that age don't necessarily understand cause-and-effect yet), but it's worth a try. It made training my 3 yr old a piece of cake! It's called the "Good Nite Lite" and you can google it.

BTW, I have always closed the doors of my children's bedrooms since they day they came home from the hospital. My daughter just transitioned to a bed in Feb and has not problem with the door being closed. (Plus, hearing her open it gives me a good "head's-up" that she's out of bed!!) I keep their doors closed all night. I can't imagine why your daughter would become afraid of her room due to the door being shut.

Put her back in her crib....

Hi A.!
I don't want to say I have a complete solution, but your scenario & methods sound almost identical to what we went thru. What finally worked was that we'd put him back in bed about 30+ times with the no talking/no eye contact method, then after several times, we'd talk. 'why do you keep coming out of bed? what's the matter? etc...' he could talk enough to say 'binky' or 'another book' so I'd do it. At first, he'd still come out another 10 times, but eventually I'd try reason & say calmly 'I read you another book, you need to stay in bed now'
The next step was to do the bedtime routine, finish a book, then with no words, leave. (as soon as I said good night, he'd freak out) Now, he's good, I read a book, say goodnight and he's fine.

I just wanted to let you know that we definately feel your pain. About shutting the door- It didn't teach him anything. He'd eventually cry himself to sleep on his floor, which he didn't seem to mind much (even though I felt like the worst mom) I'd open the door and put him back in bed after he fell asleep, but he eventually figured out how to open the door (and even unlock the door) before he learned to stay in bed on his own.
My hubby would step in too, while we were doing the no eye-contact thing, and sometimes that sent the message to our son that 'mommy's done with this game, time for you to stay in bed'
Here's hoping everything goes well for you. It'll get better eventually. It used to be a 2-hour ordeal for us, which left me zombie-like on the couch for the next 3 hours, it's a lot better now though!

Have you tried closing and locking your door? Then you don't have to worry about her getting scared of her room because you closed her door. Sure, she may keep you awake crying and screaming the first few nights because she can't get it. And if you give in and let her in, you'll never win the battle. Keep some kind of white noise on (like a noise machine), keep earplugs next to your bed, etc. But don't open that door and let her in. If she falls asleep outside your door, you can choose whether or not you pick her back up and move her back to bed or let her just get tired of getting up through the night and sleeping on the floor. My daughter's 7 and sleeps with me every night, but I'm a single mom. If I married, that would be a whole other story. Not that I'm looking to ever be married... A couple's bed is meant to be shared by the couple. So reclaim your bed together! Have fun once you do!

M.

I have two boys and have always had their door closed when they sleep. But, I also, have a monitor for each of their rooms or one in the hallway to listen to both their rooms. If you feel uncomfortable with that you can always get a gate to put across her doorway. Good luck! Just be firm and tell her the same things each night. I'm not sure what your night time routine is but be sure you have one and that it is the same/similar each night. Your child will learn to expect what comes next and how to feel secure with that. You shouldn't have to sit with her each night til she's asleep. Start weaning her from that now. Each night, I take my boys upstairs and first we change to jammies, next we brush teeth, my 3 yr old goes to his room to wait for me, I read stories with my little one using a lamp not the light, when the lamp goes off he knows that it is sit with mom time & sing songs, last I put him bed, tell them a few things and rub his hair. After that, I close the door and leave. Next, I go to my 3 yr olds room and read the book/s he picked out. I turn off the lamp and do the exact same thing for him as for my other. They are always awake when I leave. I think they feel secure knowing if they really need me for something, I will come. Good luck and I'm sure you if you hang in there and be consistent you'll get there!!

She's terriable twos! Stop giving in to her. You're making it worse. That's why she gets up 50 times. That's what it takes to get you to go save her. If it takes 75 times just keep putting her to bed and don't talk to her. When she's tired of up and down and crying, she'll fall asleep. Don't talk to her and don't lay with her. Watch "SUPERNANNY" on Friday nights and stop the insanity of you losing sleep. You can't let her run you down or she becomes the parent and you'll never have any control of the thousand things she'll test you on during her whole life.

She has been in your bed for two years. This will not fix itself in one night. This is definitely not a slam on co-sleeping; a family needs to do what is appropriate for them. But realize that you are completely changing the game on her. She's going to fight it tooth and nail.

I have heard of people who had to go back over 100 times, but the return visits steadily decreasing. No matter what you do, you need to be excruciatingly consistent even if it means that you suffer for a week with exhaustion. You are trying to change her behavior, so she needs consistent 'if-then' situations - "if I get out of bed, then mommy will always take me back", otherwise if you give up and give in and bring her back to bed with you then she knows she can eventually wear you down and you'll let her back in the bed. The next time you try to break the habit, she'll be even MORE persistent because she thinks/knows you will give in.

Is it possible to put her in a crib as to contain her more effectively? That solves the 'jack in the box' effect and she can't get out?

Boy! I wish you luck with this one. We never had this problem, but a few of our friends did. One family decided to keep their son's door closed with a night light on in his room. Because he kept getting out of bed, his dad sat in the hallway right outside his room for quite a long time until Trey finally decided to go give up! They had such a hard time with him. He finally stopped coming out of his room, but I'm not sure how long it took before his dad was able to stop sitting in the hallway. I hope this helps.
A.
www.opportunityofyourlife.net

Put a gate on her door. That way she can't get out, but her door remains open. If she wakes up, she won't be able to leave her room. This gets boring and she'll start to just stay in bed once she realizes that she can't go anywhere. You will basically be turning the entire room into the "crib"... Even if you closed the door, I'm assuming that she knows how to open it. If she doesn't yet, believe me, if you close the door she'll figure out how to open it if she wants out!

Also, the transition to the bed can take a while. You're just going to have to be patient and consistent and keep taking her back to bed. We sat with our son for a month or so until he fell asleep and then when he would wake up at night, we would go into his room and sit next to his bed until he fell asleep. After a couple of months, they get used to the new routine and it's no big deal for them to fall asleep on their own. He was also only 16 months when we put him in a bed... I think it was easier because he was younger... seems like the longer you wait, the harder it is for them to get used to big changes!

I thought I'd share what worked for us, for another perspective and option for you in case the other methods don't work for you. My 3-year old boy started sleeping in a twin bed at 24 months, a month before his new brother was born so I wanted to free up the crib. He slept great in his crib also, so I wasn't sure how the transition would go. We'd talked about the big boy bed and tried to make it an exciting experience, but when I finally decided it was time to make the switch we had to say "no going back" or it would confuse him! So, the first night was SO HARD. He SCREAMED louder than I'd ever heard him, and this was after a nice calm bedtime routine, story, etc. As soon as I would leave, he would run out of the room. At first I thought I'd try to do the Super Nanny method of just putting him back and eventually he'd stop running out, but after 8 times in a row with no rest it was just making me angry and I knew that wasn't a good thing. Then, I put up a pressure gate, but he just knocked that right over (and fell on top of it, crying..). So it was time for plan C. I closed the door and held it closed (someone else I knew reversed the doorknob so you could lock it from the outside- just another option), and waited out the screams. It was so hard, but it was seriously just 4-6 minutes of him trying to pull the door open and screaming/crying (I timed it) and then he calmed down, and climbed back into bed. He whimpered a few more minutes, but an hour or so later I checked on him and he'd climbed into bed, laid on his pillow, pulled up the sheet, and was fast asleep! He'd also turned on his small bedside lamp, and that probably helped him. To this day he sleeps with the closet light on and a nightlight, something he never did in a crib. So maybe there just needs to be some changes, and things to keep her comforted at first, but you have to be consistent.
Also, that next morning he woke up really really early (like 5 am) and I said, "No, it's not time to get up yet" (he was super whiney too) and put him back in bed and did the door holding thing again for just a couple minutes, and he went back to sleep. They need to see that bedtime/naptime means staying in bed, or the consequence is closing the door to keep them in there. It sounds mean to do this, but isn't it meaner to deprive them of clear expectations and consequences, and a good nap and good nights' sleep? Think of the long term- a short time of crying and testing you will produce days, weeks, and hopefully years of good sleep for you all!
This may not work for everyone, but it sure worked for us. My son sleeps 11-12 hours at night these days, and sometimes takes a 1-2 hour nap (he'll be 4 this summer).
I wish you the best. Tough love! :)

I want to start by saying a child under 2 or just turning 2 is a little young for a toddler bed. I am a teacher, mom of 2 and was a nanny for many years. Most kids around this age do not have the developmental capacity to know that they must stay in bed. It was hard enough transitioning my almost 3 year old daughter. Second I trained both of my kids from the beginning to sleep with the door closed. They actually don’t like having the door opened. Now they both have monitors and they both have night lights to make them feel comfortable and safe. No matter how many times my children have, I never allow them to sleep with us. They will always know the answer. I have seen this over a hundred times with parents that I work with, you cannot allow your kids to sleep with you because they will not want to stop. I love my kids and I would love to sleep with them once and a while, but I love my husband too and want to have a healthy marriage. You are probably going to have to give some tough love now, and let her cry for a bit. I have seen a toy on the market that comes with extra night lights. It is some type of bear that when you press a button on the toy all the nights lights positioned in the room turn on. I thought that would be perfect for a kid who is scared of the dark. We also got my daughter one of those turtles that create a starry sky on the ceiling in her room. I also for a little while put one of those door knob protectors on her door, so that she could not open it from the inside. We kept it on until she was older and ready. Good luck, and keep at it. It will be hard at first, but she will get over it and start sleeping through.

Have you tried putting a mattress on the floor of your room and then when she is comfortable there moving it slowly to her room? That way you get your bed back, and she still feels the security of being close to mom and dad?

My son is two and is now in his big boy bed as well. I have always shut my kids doors when they sleep due to noise... so it's nothing new for him. BUT.. he knows how to open doors so I child proofed everything in his room and put a child lock on the door so he can no longer open it. This way he learns it's not a game and I have a video monitor on him so I can see him when he is in his bed. It has helped tremendously. Just be sure to child safety everything in the room, have a night light and we stayed in there his first few nights for quite some time to get him transitioned. Hope this helps!

If you do decide to 'shut the door', perhaps you could put a baby gate up instead. That way she will be contained, but not feel so trapped.

We had to lock our son's door. The first night I allowed him to come out 3x then I locked it, the second night 2x, etc. Now he knows it is locked and is fine. We personally keep it locked because we know he is safe in his room alone. You don't have to 'lock' it per se but get a childproofed handle. Also when we transitioned him to the big bed we made his night time routine very consistent since he had big change happening. We would brush teeth, put on jammies/diaper, read 2 books, then I would lay with him for 1 minute only, and after that the door is locked and it is bed time. He knew/knows what to expect and now he will ask for the door to be locked it we don't. Good luck and it will work itself out soon enough.

PS I wanted to commit on Kristi's commit: I would NEVER lock either of my kids doors at night. (I don't even shut their doors) To me that just doesn't seem safe, fair or kind.

My son sees this as a boundary, not a punishment that is unsafe, unfair, or mean. I resent her commits because this is not our purpose for locking his door. We always address his needs when he expresses them in his room and only use the lock as a barrier from manipulating his bed time. He is very safe in his room and and I feel good knowing that he isn't out in the house wondering around in the case that my husband and I were in a deep sleep. I am sure I am being sensitive but her commits really make no sense and I resent them. He is a young 3 year old that needs boundaries and he feels safe in his room...not treated unfairly or meanly.

If I had to go back, and do it all over, I would say that since you need sleep (moms and teachers definitely need sleep or they will feel wacko all day)try to address this issue on the weekends or at a particularly good time. I'll probably have a bunch of moms yelling at me, but she will grow up, won't want to sleep near you- much less in your house half of the time so this will pass. But anyway, the consistency thing is wonderful if you don't need sleep. Until you are ready and can put up with a very long amount of time to be consistent I will go against the tradition and say you need to get sleep no matter what and perhaps working on this when you are feeling ready (summer perhaps-does husband stay home for summer?. In the meantime how about a big soft sleeping bag and tell her she has to stay on the floor in your room? No more bed. Kind of sounds like a camping trip but it will give you your bed back. You can then wait the months (our school finishes second week of June so a mere 6 weeks or so away and then you can work on the daily habit.You see it's already this far along, so what's another couple of weeks going to do? I know a lot of people out there gave really sound advice, but when you are exhausted sometimes nothing can work. You need your strength.Think of it as a compromise. Which life with children is. Good luck!

I think Elizabeth Pantley wrote a book about No Cry Sleep Solutions for Toddlers. I think it's important to make sleep enjoyable and not scary. Why do you think she comes to you in the night?

I completely emphasize with you on this! I went through this with my youngest and was working PT too. He could not stay in the crib (climbing out), but really wasn't ready. We tried all these tricks. I recommend you try some of these postings too.

In the end we needed our sleep and were frustrated (don't ask how long this went on for!). He'd fall asleep in our bed at times and we'd move him. Regardless though he'd always come in during the middle of the the night and kick us and ruin our sleep and my husband gets up for work early. We found that if we layed out some blankets on the floor in our bedroom (carpeted), he'd come in and lie down on the floor and go to sleep. It got so we wouldn't really hear him.

Not ideal! I know that, but we got our sleep, stayed married and he his. He just really wanted to be near us. One time we had a sitter and when we came home, we found him asleep on the floor of our bedroom!

So, try all the techniques until you find one that works but don't be afraid to compromise before your sanity is lost. It is a stage, she will outgrow is (eventually)...

Best of luck and sleep!
M.

We read bedtime stories in his bed. I sat with my son and waited until he fell asleep in his bed. I would move to the floor a few nights. I moved to the doorway and kept putting him back into bed. It took a long time but he is now in his own bed. It was hard for me too. Good luck.