I Thought This Was MY Birthday?!

If you keep saying OK how is he supposed to know that you're NOT okay with it?

9 moms found this helpful

Gosh, I felt strange reading your post.
I know it is going to be your 40th birthday, but you sound kind of ... unapprecative?

You get to choose whatever you want to do. Invite and include all of these people, but are thinking about canceling the entire thing because of your husbands child?
He wants his daughter along, because it is his DAUGHTER.
If she will be 15, that means once she graduates in 3 years, she essentially be on her own. No longer really a child able to travel at any time, because she will be in college and then she will have a job.

She is a teenager, why would she respond to you on facebook? Most parents that are on facebook, do not expect their children to actually respond on the actual page, they usually message their kids..

Yes, it is your birthday and you want the people closest to you, shouldn't that include your husbands child? She does not spend much time with all of you because she is a teenager and has a lot of stuff going on? Because she lives far away? Because you do not sound that into her yourself?

If you really do not want her there, be honest with your husband and be sure to explain the exact reasons.
You feel she will be....
You were hoping to be able to ...
You think it will be a hassle because....
I would rather cancel than entire thing than have your daughter there, because....
It is my birthday and I want it my way because....

7 moms found this helpful

Okay so you don't mind inviting some of your closest friends but have a problem inviting your "step-daughter"? It just doesn't make any sense unless you two don't get along.....maybe your husband felt like this was a great opportunity to get her to feel welcomed as a "family-member" rather than an outsider. You need to put your own selfishness behind you woman and honor your "family". I understand what you want as an individual but maybe while on the cruise you can make some of the decisions on the activities you participate in-girls night out or something. It's all about compromise here and you have to ask yourself are you willing to compromise? Otherwise you are going to have a buttload of people mad at you on YOUR birthday and no one will want to be there with you to celebrate it because they felt like you were being selfish and self-centered. Wasn't the entire point for you to spend YOUR day with the people that you love and cherish? I'm sorry if I sound harsh and I am ALL about doing for yourself on occassions because as mothers we never take that kind of time but I think you are reading into this much more than it is. I would still sit down with my husband and discuss my feelings with him but let him know you are willing to compromise on some things. If you and the step-daughter don't get along then perhaps this isn't quite the occassion for it but you need to make it a point to make a scheduled trip with her as a "family" so she doesn't feel so much on the outside. Imagine how she feels? How would you feel if it were her sweet 16 and she invited your children, your husband, her mother but excluded you?

4 moms found this helpful

First of all you need to communicate HONESTLY with your husband. He can't read your mind and if you say ok he thinks it is ok.

Secondly, why such a big deal on your birthday. You are turning 40, Great, Enjoy that day... and be thankful you are around to celebrate. However, while reading your post it sounds like you are a 15 yr old about to turn 16 and thinking "all about me".

There is nothing wrong with celebrating a birthday, some people love the attention and a big bang celebrations, BUT you are an adult so communicate like one. I don't understand the resentment over the stepdaughter.

Happy Birthday!

4 moms found this helpful

It doesn't have to be a once-in-a-lifetime event. It's just another day really -- just another year. Plus, you said yourself you keep saying "ok" to his plans. Why not just be honest and tell him you want to stick with inviting your friends. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask that he reconsider his request that it just be your family. But I don't think it's at all bad to bring his daughter. If you don't go on vacation much, maybe he sees it as an opportunity to reconnect with her. Sounds like they could use that. AND now that I think about it, if you don't go on vacation as a family much (hence the once-in-a-lifetime thing) then maybe you should just go with your family. It's good to get away and just be with each other. Anyhow, don't let the changes annoy you so much. Life could be so much worse.

3 moms found this helpful

To put all this into perspective for you, I gave birth to my daughter on September 10th. My birthday is on September 11th. I haven't really celebrated my birthday in the last four years. Just like Christmas overshadows kids who are born on December 25th, sharing your birthday with your daughter sort of causes you to become overshadowed in a similar way. When I turn 40, my daughter will be turning 12. It could be worse, it could be her sweet sixteen and completely blow me out of the water lol!

I'm a big girl. I'm not stressing over it. I'm pretty broke right now so the thought of going on a cruse for my birthday, no matter who attended would be simply amazing. Thank your lucky stars you can afford to go at all, regardless of who is on the guest-list. You don't want to turn into the "bridezilla" of your birthday. =/

3 moms found this helpful

I have to say, this is a once in a lifetime event, but if you think about it EVERY birthday is. I don't want to sound insensitive, but your turning 40 not 12. You are SO blessed that you can even do a cruise at all! Good grief, I was thrilled to be able to have a little party my husband put together for my 40th this year. I actually cried. All I know is, Iike you, I wanted to be with my husband and children for my birthday to celebrate and indeed that is what I did.

My guess is, your husband was so excited to do this cruise he may have ultimately thought that other families involved might not be as special for your immediate family. Not to mention the fact that he probably misses his daughter and wanted her to enjoy as well.

I do agree with you, he has lost sight that this is YOUR birthday and none of this is what YOU asked for, but, what a guy to agree to this amount of dough and time for a b-day. Good grief girl, you are staring a huge blessing in the face. A majority of the people out there do not have anything like this to look forward to.

I am not saying that you cannot express your wishes too. By all means, let him know you would like to have your friends there if you could, but don't cut out his daughter. It's not her fault her life is off track and she doesn't see her dad - is it?

Good luck and Happy Birthday!

3 moms found this helpful

Sorry I am going to be a minority here. I think she should go, it is a Family event and she is apart of the Family - like it or not! My parents divorced when I was 17 and when my dad remarried his 2nd wife turned 45 and did the whole "family trip" but guess what, my siblings & I weren't included - it was her, my dad & her 2 kids. My siblings were still under 13 at the time. It not only pissed us off to be excluded and it hurt but it was worse because we realized that according to her we weren't apart of the family.
You see what is happening is you are planning a FAMILY CRUISE and not including a member of your immediate family. Your step-Daughter is 15 - she is not close to anyone at this age and this is something that is normal also she is not stupid - she knows you don't like her for some reason or another (I can tell that even).
If you really just want a Girls Weekend/Cruise do it but if you are planning a FAMILY CRUISE - You need to include the WHOLE family.

3 moms found this helpful

DId he tell you why he wants to cancel the friends and take his daughter? While agree it is your birthday and he should be catering to your wishes, it sounds like there may be other isuues - perhaps your step daughter would like to be closer to you both... That being said, once you understand his reasons, If the situatuation allows, ask for a compromise, your step -daughter can come (she is family...) and so can your freinds and thier family.

If time with your step daughter is the issue, you can make sure that your freinds understand that certain times on the cruise will be set aside for family only - perhaps a breaksfast one day, a dinner the next or a family acticvity another day.

I will say a prayer for you and your family - and Happy 40th Birthday a little bit early.

2 moms found this helpful

Stick to your feelings and plans of what YOU want to do. As you stated you only get one of these and believe me you dont want to sway too far away from your plans b/c you'll regret it for a long time. Your feelings are valid and should go as you wish. Moms give up enough already, don't sacrifice something that is this important to YOU. Remind him of the marriage clause 101 " If Mama's NOT happy then NO ONE is happy!". Been married 20 yrs now and my husband and I are ONLY children with 3 children 21 17 and 2 (male and female) so we know a little about compromising. The rest of your family will have and probably had plenty of Happy Birthdays and sounds like you make sure of it. So if communicated to him as a gentle yet firm wife, I think you'll get the results you pray for. After all a good marriage functions effectively when spouses are true to each other "for better or worse" especially when it's going to work in your favor (smile) Have FUN with your family and friends!

2 moms found this helpful

I think it is wonderful you want to honor your husband. Sharing how you feel doesn't break that. When you are less frustrated and can talk with him share that it would mean a great deal to you to share this event with dear friends as well. The decision can be made with all of the information on the table. Enjoy the trip.

2 moms found this helpful

I would suggest doing 2 things - go back to the original plan and do a girl's weekend and go to a spa or something. and then take a cruise with just your family. this way, you get time alone with your girlfriends to do what you want - it is your birthday. And then you can do the cruise with the entire family and not feel like you are giving in on your birthday wishes. Best of luck deciding, have fun and Happy Birthday!

2 moms found this helpful

He's a man. He's seeing things from his own perspective the more he gets involved with planning and figuring out cost. Decide what you want and SPEAK UP!!!!! He's just getting carried away.
It may be partly a financial thing, like, it's SO BIG he needs to make it perfect for the WHOLE family-even his daughter- as a once in a life time thing, and it may be hard for the friends anyway (I love my friends dearly but would not be able to go on a cruise every time someone turned 40-I drove through McDonalds for a splurgy Mcaffe latte for my big 40... :) But if everyone has plenty of dough, and you guys can do lots of other stuff at other times and this can be all about you, then YES, MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU! Put your foot down! CONGRATS!
ps, I would totally do a big girl's thing personally and then have something with hubby separately...more celebrations!

2 moms found this helpful

You have a couple choices here. You can either say nothing and continue to be upset, or tell him how you feel. Otherwise he will never know. The saying men just don't get it is totally true. So you need to sit him down and tell him that since it is your birthday, you would like to stick to your original plan of having the friends with you. Tell him it is okay if his daughter goes, but that you would still like your friends along. He might be trying to turn this into a family thing only to try to reconnect with his daughter, so make sure they do get sometime alone. But before the cruise you may want to extend more invitations to family events so she feels comfortable saying yes to the cruise.
Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

You keep agreeing as he changes your plans!
Invite your friends and fly his daughter in as well.

2 moms found this helpful

Ok, here is what you should say to your hubbie, when he asks you to scratch your invites to your friends. "Sorry dear, I've already invited them, they have been planning for the trip and paying their own way and I want them there. Feel free to bring your daughter with also!" End of story - the problem is now solved. You talk about wanting to honor your husband, but he needs to be honoring you. He has no right to change your plan, especially since it's been put into place already, and others are involved. Stick up for what you want and tell him how it's going to be, respectfully, of course :)

2 moms found this helpful

Ok why can't his daughter come and the friends. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. That you would like your friends and his daughter there to celebrate your 40th birthday also. I can you wanting your birthday your way. But...Compromising is a beautiful thing!
Since his daughter has not had a visit in two years this is a great way for him to also be with her. And a great way for you to see her and get to know her a little. She is also the stepsister of your children. So I see this as a opportunity for all of you. Maybe I can put this so you can understand his feelings better. What if you only saw your children 3-4 times a year. I would be heartbroken wouldn't you!. Maybe he is a little heartbroken also. I think its a wonderful gesture he wants her to come.

2 moms found this helpful

i'm sorry you're frusturated with this, i really am. but at this point you can either spend your energy whining about it and let it become a bigger deal than it needs to be, or you can decide what you want, go for it, and ignore the smaller issues. as for the daughter, i'm assuming he had this daughter when you married him (and that you knew about her), so it's part of the package deal. let him bring her. not sure how old she is, but this is a young girls life you're talking about, and it's always going to benefit her to include her, even if she acts like she doesn't want to. it's important for a girl to have a father in her life. you're the adult and you can learn to deal with it being a different dymanic. as for your friends, just tell your husband that they've been part of the plans since the beginning and you're inviting them. end of story. don't let the drama overtake your big day. stay out of it.

2 moms found this helpful

In my opinion, if you shared your birthday wishes with your husband & he wants to change them, he's being a little inconsiderate. It sounds to me like he does not have a close relationship with his daughter and should not use your birthday to see her. He can take the initiative and plan a seperate family event. It seems like it would be akward since they have not seen each other in 2years anyway. You mentioned that she has ignored your efforts to connect with her. You and your husband need to talk so you both can exchange your feelings. Explain to him you want to be with family & friends for your birthday and want everyone to be able to enjoy the event. if you think your stepdaughter would have a nice time with everyone then welcome her.

2 moms found this helpful

If you haven't told him directly in an assertive voice that you want this to be a weekend just for you and your family without his daughter then do that now. Be diplomatic and kind, but let him know that including his daughter is not what you want for your birthday.

I understand him not wanting to include your friends if they do not have husbands to also come. He would be the only male and it would be an awkward situation.

LATER: I don't get it! In June you didn't have enough money to pay your step-daughter's air fare so that she could visit this summer and now you have enough money to take the whole family on a cruise?

In a previous post you complained about the drama of flying his step-daughter to your town because her mother doesn't make plans, etc. You say it isn't fair to his step-daughter to have to pay for the drama but yet here is more drama involving her and it's drama created by you this time.

Your husband's daughter should be high on your family's priority list and it should not matter that her mother is a flake. You were right. It is not his daughter's fault but you are continuing to let the drama surrounding her visit with you to continue.

Yes, it's your 40th birthday but when I read your post from June of this year I don't understand what is going on. In June you didn't have enough money to fly his daughter to spend time with your family.

I reread this post and can see the drama in it. You keep changing your mind, talking with friends and including them in your plans, and now you're upset with your husband because you said OK when he added another idea to your plans. Sounds like his change is just one more change and you said OK to it.

Mommy R. suggested that you tell your husband you've already invited your friends (you have haven't you? Your post sounds like it.) and that he can invite his daughter. Be respectful with your final decision and let the drama go.

I hesitate to say this because I'm not your friend and am not able to word this gently but it's important to bring this on the table. You are a part of the drama. You can stop the drama by deciding what you want and being upfront about it.

By the way, just from reading the posts, I think that you are doing the same thing that you accuse Lisa of doing: causing drama by not making plans up front. Perhaps that is why Lisa's way of doing trips is upsetting to you. You can see yourself in the way she plans and don't like it. Unconsciously you don't like it in yourself, either. You don't like it so much that you aren't allowing yourself to be aware.

You're a good person. You're not perfect and that is very much OK. Once we accept our own shadow we can accept the way other people act too. You are OK. So is your husband, Lisa, and Ella. (Ella is the daughter and Lisa is her mother.) Find the love in your heart for all of you and working this out will be much easier.

I understand you wanting to make this a big deal and all about you. At the same time, I don't understand. I don't remember my 40th birthday. I remember feeling sad because that meant I was "over the hill." Facing 40, I began assessing my life thus far to see what I had wanted to do with my life and what was still possible in the time I had left. I am an introspective person and perhaps you're not. Or, is it possible that the big hoopla is about not facing other issues in your life at this mid-life time?

1 mom found this helpful

Don't assume that your husband and his daughter aren't close. He should be wanting to spend time with her. However, maybe your birthday celebration isn't the right time for this. Do it how you want to. It's your party, then plan a family outing the way your husband wants.

1 mom found this helpful

Are you overreacting? IMO,a little bit. I understand wanting to plan the celebration you've dreamed about, but commuication and compromise should be part of the planning. It sounds like there is a lack of both.

Should you tell him what you want? Yes, but consider a compromise.

Should you just go back to your orginal plan and do a 'girls weekend'? If that is what you truly want.

Thoughts? First, I think you need to look at all the options that you've listed above and decide which one you truly want and have a discussion with your husband. It sounds to me that very time he has voiced his opinion you've said "OK" but haven't really been okay with it. He should't be changing your plans, but you should also speak your mind about what you want.

Second, when I read that you do something special for your birthday every year with family then something smaller scale with friends, it may be that he has that in mind and finds it hard to break protocol.

If I were in your shoes and decided upon the family cruise, I would allow his daughter to go along unless we abolutely didn't get along. It doesn't sound like that is the case, though. It sounds like you simply don't know each other well and you even describe her as a sweet girl. So I don't see the problem with her coming along. You may not be close but she is family.

For what it is worth, I turned 40 last year, had a pool party in the backyard with my hubby and kids and had a great time. Best wishes to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Why dont you go on a cruise with you husband and daughter. Then invite you two best freinds for a night out on the town.
If you are not close to his daughter, then invite her for another holiday. Perhaps thanksgiving, which is just around the corner.

I would not be inviting anyone to a birthday celebration that I wasnt REALLY close with . That's just me.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi JEB,

I think thay maybe you should stick to your original girl's outing plan. Things seemed to get complicated when you included your husband. Sounds like he's planning his party instead or yours. Like you mention, you already do the family vacation and friend events so a girl's outing would be something out of the norm, which is what you want, right? If you do the girl's outing then you don't have to worry about your daughters or your husband being bored or doing what they want to do instead of what you want to do during the cruise. If it's just you and your girlfriends then you can relax and enjoy without the added concerns that come with a family. I hope this helps. Good luck to you in your decision and you're right it is YOUR birthday!

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like you get two cruises for your 40th!!! One for the family, one with your girlfriends... I think your hubby would see your point if you put it that way ;)

It is normal to want to celebrate on your terms. Good luck, and congratulations!

1 mom found this helpful

Moms give so much all the time, sometimes we just want to have something to ourselves and completely for and about us - don't we?
That being said, if you want it to be about you - you almost have to do a girls weekend. Any trip with the hubby and kids - you will be on mom and wife duty - no matter how much they say they are going to leave you alone.
If you want to do the family trip - let his daughter come. It is his blood daughter and your step daughter. It's never too late too make a connection somehow. You said she's a sweet 15 year old. Some teenage girls are beasts. So it she isn't hard to be around - what's the harm. And you really don't know the reasons around her visitation schedule or response to emails - meaning her mom could be difficult about her having a relationship with her dad and you.
Whatever you decide - make the decision, make the plans and stick with it.

1 mom found this helpful

Honesty is the best policy. Sit down with your hubby and tell him just how important this is to you. Let him know of your hopes and dreams of this day and what you really want. You already planned this with your friends- its not fair to you or to them to change it. Trips take time off of work, money and time to plan...stick to your guns on this one.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

i honestly think you should decide who goes and who doesn't go. so instead of allowing him to make the plans why don't you say: i am inviting my friend, you and our kids.
when he mentions his daughter say yeah some other time. i just don't think my birthday is the day when we should try to get along, because if we don't it will get awkward.
you decide. you tell him.

1 mom found this helpful

To me birthdays are a big deal and I was so depressed when my sister threw a last second surprise birthday for me (after my mother threw big ones for my older sister and brother...ah still the middle child) and then my sister and brother (I went to both of their surprise parties) didn't even show up. So I know how we can feel bad about how our birthdays are supposed to be. Mine was supposed to be great. My husband didn't do anything to plan it (and he is the nicest man on earth, so what's that about?) and my other son was in the service. It was about the fastest birthday party (on a Friday night at my sister's house at around eight or so and she didn't even invite any of my friends (what's that, too?) Soo, I was disappointed. I decided if you want something done the way you want you gotta do it yourself. I am getting there about your issue (sorry, this was too tempting to air my disappointment about past birthdays). I think your hubby wants to invite his daughter because he feels guilty. For whatever, he is a man and they usually feel guilty at real inappropriate moments. What he doesn't realize is that while a cruise might be fun for a fifteen year old, probably not. Most fifteen year olds don't like much of anything, unless it's related to their lives or their friends (so then she'd have to bring a friend). I would suggest you go back to the original plan that would let you have the best fun and do the cruise for some other situation. Say Ground Hog's day or something. You are not being able to choose and I see why that upsets you. You were hoping for something BIG and apparently the people in your life (much like mine) do not have the kind of social and events planning skills that we would like. Do what you think would be the absolutely best for you and make everyone else happy some other time. There, and Happy Birthday!

1 mom found this helpful

Though a girls weekend sounds much more fun to me, it seems like that might really upset him. He wanted to do things as a family, so to tell him that you want to leave him for a girls only outing, he might become really angry. However, I also believe that yes, it is your birthday so you should have some say in what you want to do. Agree to have his daughter along (as you already have done), but tell him you would like the other families to come along, too. It only seems fair. It is a compromise.

If he says no, then tell him he can put something together for your party with the other families and you all can just go on your family cruise together for another occasion. It is your birthday, so you should definitely have at least some say in it if not all the say in it. Tell him your conditions are that you want to celebrate with your close friends and if a cruise isn't acceptable to him then he can find something that it. Hopefully he will go for the cruise, because that in itself can also be a one time opportunity.

Good luck, Momma, and have fun celebrating no matter what you end up doing! Like you said, you can only do this once, so enjoy it to its fullest!!

That sounds like fun! I'm turning 40 this year too... about your question. I'd be mad too. This is your "party" and your idea. Maybe you can be upfront with your husband and explain this to him. Maybe he can plan a special trip with just your family and his daughter for another time. Share your feelings with him. You can allow him to honor your birthday his way but also honor your birthday YOUR way! Good luck!

I'm a little confused here, are you mad because you won't be going with your girlfriends or because hubby invited his daughter behind your back? It sounds like your mad at hubby for inviting the daughter and if that's the case then what about the daughter would make you not want her to come along? Does she make you uncomfortable in some way? How old is she? If you get along great with her, then I don't see why it's an issue with letting her come along, if she's an adult and you think her visit will take away from your fun, then ask hubby to invite her to whatever celebration you do with your friends back home. It doesn't sound like he's too involved with her life (for whatever reason) so I don't think she'll be heart broken to not be a part of the trip. Again, it would help to have some more answers to your reasons behind everything before I can be of more help.