I Need Advice on How to Deal with Child's Tears About Going to New Preschool

Hang in there. My daughter started last year, after staying at home with me for 3 1/2 years. She cried every day for about 3 months. I know it seems like forever, but she finally adjusted and is doing great. I knew she loved it, because once she stopped being upset, she would tell me all of the wonderful things she did. As long as he likes it and can tell you good things, when he's done crying, I say just tuff it out. I know it's really hard, but he will get used to the schedule and start making friends that he can't wait to see. Also, is there something you can give him, so he knows he's not alone? I gave my daughter one of those cheesy "best friend" necklaces! I have one half and she has the other and she can always look at it and know I love her. I know he's a boy, so maybe you can all get one of those rubber bracelets or a necklace with "cars" on it?
Good luck.

It will probably take 2-3 weeks for him to get used to the new school. Here are 2 things that helped my 2yo when she started a new school:

1) ask the teacher to meet you at the door of the classroom. Take a minute to talk to the teacher while you hold your son so she can ask him what he wants to play with today. Say goodbye to him, let him know you'll be back later, and then let the teacher take your son into the room. It sounds weird, but it really helped my daughter-- since I talked to the teacher for a minute, my daughter could see that this was a nice place to be (I was not anxious about being there), and since the teacher took her into the room, SHE was leaving ME to go explore, rather than ME leaving HER.

2) This is another weird one-- Have a friendly, upbeat conversation about how he can choose his feelings. Discuss it as if you were letting choose his dinner-- no negative emotion attached to it. When you drive into the parking lot, ask your son if he has fun playing with the toys at school. Then ask if he would rather be sad at school, or choose to be happy at school. Remind him that he has fun at school, so let him know he can be happy about being there. Tell him that he doesn't have to cry-- he can CHOOSE to be happy to be at school. I was dumbstruck when my 2yo didn't cry for the next 2 days after our little conversation. (the second day, I asked her if she wanted to cry today or if she wanted to choose to be happy, and she said she wanted to be happy). Now, as a disclaimer, after those 2 days was the weekend, and she cried again on Monday. But that week was the last week she cried when I dropped her off. Kids love choices, and even letting them know it's ok NOT to cry can be very empowering for them.

So just hang in there-- he really WILL get used to being there. Good luck!!

I work at a daycare and we had a mom with your problem, she told him that if he was good he would get a pretty sticker..it was really a ink stamp on his hand and it did work and he really only gets them when he is good.
just and idea for you.

My son actually didn't even go to any daycare until he was 3 yrs old (and then it was half day). Anyway, the first week he went right in and was happy, no tears. The 2nd week - 3rd week was all tears every morning - it was horrible. Of course, it finally stopped but a couple of things that my daycare lady suggested was to give him something of mine to hold onto during the day (keep watch over). I gave him a small stuffed rabbit. We also made a small photo album w/ pictures of family that he could look at during the day if he needed - and both of those things worked very well. Good luck.

My daughter was the same way. She was at an in-home daycare provider (a friend of mine) for over 2 years. I then decided it was time for her to go to preschool to learn and have more structure. Don't get me wrong, the gal who watched my daughter was awesome and treated my daughter as one of her own. My daughter was 2 1/2 years old when I switched her. She did ok for the first week. After that, she cried every time I dropped her off for about 2 months or so. I really questioned whether I did the right thing. My grandmother told me to stick with it. Kids sometimes have a hard time with change, but in time, it will be no problem. My grandmother taught special needs children and was very familiar with kids adapting to new situations. I spoke with my daughter's teacher at the time to see what we could do to make the morning transition a little easier. We came up with a plan, and in know time, it worked. My daughter now has a new teacher since she has moved up an age group. She is still with the same kids, but new teacher. Again, she had a hard time transiting for about 2 months - no tears though. Once she realized the new teacher was great, we have no problems. It's been a year since I started my daughter and I do not regret my decision to putting her in preschool. The shell she had and seeing her now is amazing. She has so many friends and really likes it. Her learning and speaking skills has done a 180. I couldn't have asked for better. Hang in there. I know it's tough when you have to leave them, but know that it is in your child's best interest and within a few months, it will be like nothing ever happened. Hope that helps. Sorry for the novel, but I really do understand what you are going through.

We have a 3-1/2 YO boy. We were really surprised by something his day care does that works AMAZINGLY well to stop the tears.

They don't get to play when they're crying. Not that they aren't allowed to cry, just that they go sit in the crying chair. It's right there in middle of one wall in the room, but they don't get to cry and pretend not to have fun while playing!! The teachers then encourage them to stop crying by (GET THIS!) asking if they're ready to put their tears in their pocket! Really. They make the connection rather quickly that crying isn't fun. And it really works. It's truly brilliant! We use the same phrase at home now.

My husband & I were also really matter of fact with our son - Mommy & Daddy get to go to work, and you get to go play at school!! He's a big boy who goes to school to play with his friends. And he loves it. It will just take some time to adjust to the schedule and create a new bond at a new place. Keep your spirits up about it, he'll come around.

And - if he doesn't, maybe it's not the right environment for him? You could always look at different centers. But, if what you said about how much he's learning and trying new things and growing for the better is true - it's probably just a matter of a little time for him to adjust.

Oh - consider a routine for the night before - have him help you pick out a snack for the ride home. My son chooses from pretzels, graham crackers, or cereal, and helps me put it in a little container that goes into my work bag. I also keep a sippy (for only water) in my car. It gives him something to look forward to. It also helps tide him over until family dinner time.

Hang in there Mommy!!

T.

S.,

Just hang in there, you said he likes it so focus on the positive things he likes. Maybe find him a kids watch where he can know when you will be there, just anything that will help him to realize when he is going to be picked up!

My parents love to tell the story of my brother who hated kindergarten, told the teacher that he needed to use the restroom and left the school and went home. The next time was even better, he told the teacher he had a dentist appointment and had to leave!! Kids will try lots of things when they don't like something! But we really laugh over the dentist appointment.

Here is my point though, kids will try whatever they think will work when they don't want to be somewhere. My middle daughter didn't like it that I had to work and cried every day when I left her!! The other kids were fine, but it rips your heart out, just hang in there and it will get better. It is a change for your son, but it sounds like he is making the adjustment until other kids are going home and he isn't, reassure him that you will not leave him there!!

Hopefully things will smooth out for you soon!

L.

Hang in there. I had the same thing with my guy at 3 and because it was so new to him, I did stay with him for an hour one day...then 30 minutes and then 15 and then I cut it really short. I only did that because it was brand new - so he could see what fun things they were doing. Usually they tell you that they are fine within minutes after you leave and that is usually true. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do but it is easier to cut that traumatic crying time as short as possible. Smile - hug, kiss...say I love you. Have great time. and leave. They sense your anxiety and feed into it. You can fall apart in your car. My boys are 8 and 5 and I still get teary eyed some mornings - can't believe they are in school!!!

Hang in there - you can do it.

My only suggestion is to try and be as positive as you can be about this. Don't let him see that you are uneasy or questioning. Talk about what fun he is going to have, discuss things that are coming up if they give you a calendar of events. Just be the cheerleader and he will pretty soon decide that it is wonderful!!

My son was the same way. He is the same age and started preschool for the first time a month and a 1/2 ago. He has never been in daycare before now. For about a month he would complain and cry about going to daycare and during the day. Especially after naps. Its just a phase they have to work thru. He loves going to school now. I make sure to tell him what they have on their daily schedule for each day and ask him about his day on the way home. Hang in their it will get better.

give it a few months. sometimes it takes them longer at this age to adjust. I teach the 3-5 yr olds in a class at church and they cry for at least 6 weeks when they move up from the nursery. It is definately a different structure than they are used to. The nursery they play a lot and my class is more a sit, listen, and learn a lot class so is a big transition but they do learn a lot at this age and I try to keep them busy with learning activities but is still different than going all over the room when they want to and dragging out toys all the time. just keep encouraging him and when he brings projects home that he has made, make a big deal out of what a great job he did.

Could he be missing his former caregiver? Maybe a visit would help. After all, she's been a big part of his life for his ENTIRE life. If you let him know that she's not gone, he may be better able to accept the new school.

Also, focus on the positive. Don't get all worked up (or at least, don't let him see you) when you drop him off. "You're going to have so much fun today!" and "You are so lucky that you get to go to big boy school!" and so on. Could he call you at 11? That's a long time to be away for a little one. It would give him something new to look forward to, and could ease your mind (and help the caregivers at the new school because he won't be so upset, and help HIM not miss you as badly).

Maybe you could find a clock that counts down, and set it to count down to 4:30 so he can see the numbers moving and know that you're coming back.

My friend had a similar situation with her son, who had stayed with a family member up until they decided he needed more academics, and he had a hard time for a couple of weeks, but then it got easier and now he loves his school. Hang in there!

A. @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Only a week or so into it it is hard to tell, you may give it some more time. But... it may not be the right place for your son. The fact that he was crying not just when dropped off would worry more than if it was just when he was dropped off. Maybe ask if there was something special that happened at his old caregiver's around that time. She might have some insight (like they got to do something special before lunch he feels like he is missing now). I understand that you are working and need him to be somewhere, but my daughter had a problem with her preschool and I gave it a semester, but it progressively got worse, and finally I took her out. This year she is in kindergarten and just loving it. Maybe it's a better situation, maybe it's more maturity, but kids know when there's something not right. Listen to your son.

K.