I Am NOT GETTING ALONG with MY 4 YEAR OLD. Please Help!

It is your child's personality. Some kids are easier than others. My oldest was my most difficult, too.

You need to fix this now, or if you keep having a negative attitude towards her you will have regrets when she is older, like I do.

The simplest fix is this: IGNORE THE NEGATIVE, REWARD THE POSITIVE. A child CANNOT ARGUE with you if you won't engage her.

And there are good sides to a talkative kid, even though it can get on your nerves. If she were overly quiet and shy, you would worry about that too. One more year, and you will get an occasional break.

None of the things you have described that she does are that terrible. If she wants to have the last word -- let her have the last word. What's so terrible about someone saying, "Well fine, then I am going to sleep?" If she agrees she's going to sleep, that's actually a good thing. When she says that, give her a kiss, and leave the room.

If she complains about the food, don't say anything, just remove it from the table, and don't give her anything until the next meal.

If she complains about the toys you don't buy her, use one of my favorite sayings, which is, "Oh well..."

If she interrupts while you are on the phone, ignore her. If she keeps on talking to you, go somewhere else where she can't interrupt you.

If she is outright rude, put her in her room, and tell her she can come out when she can talk politely.

All of these things have to be done in a CALM MANNER.

She is getting too much attention for negative behavior, and it is reinforcing it.

Ignore the negative, reward the positive, and be happy we have public school. Some people, wonderful as they might be, are hard to be with all day long. That's what school's for. :)

And along with my advice, add JustM's advice, below.

Oldest children are often BIG talkers. Your best weapon is patience, ignore all the chatter and only pay attention to her when she behaves like you want her to. When she complains that you don't pay attention, and she will, explain that you can't hear her through all the chattering, nagging, whining and complaining. Bit by bit you can teach her that it is nice to let others talk and talking over them is not nice(doesn't she like to be heard?). The more you lose it, the more it will reinforce the annoying behavior.

Rule #1 of parenting - never lose a argument with your child
Rule #2 pick your arguments wisely

It's a phase, really. It might be partly her personality. She might be more talkative than some kids. It's also an attention thing. She might be feeling like she needs attention. But it is mostly a phase. It sounds like you do lots of things with your girls, and that's wonderful.

It probably would do both of you some good if she were in a preschool class. When my son started preschool, it was so nice to have that break from him. I hope that doesn't sound like I didn't love him to pieces, but it was very nice. He was a talker (still is), and he needed to be challenged intellectually. Preschool was so great for him, because he was challenged. And the teachers knew just how to deal with the challenges that he threw at them.

Going to school really will help. It will be so good for her to be in that structured environment. My son can be a handful, and (for the most part) he has really learned to follow rules and respect teachers. Those environments are very different than being with Mom.

Hang in there!!! Keep trying to remain positive and calm. If she tries to argue, explain once and then nicely let her know that you are done talking about it. The hardest part in remaining calm and not arguing back (wow, wish I had remembered that this morning when we were trying to get out the door for school).

It really is mostly a phase :-)

sounds like you need some time to yourself for a day or two and then a date with your 4 year old where you are relaxed and try and listen to her and answer her questions and then do something engaging where you can ask her questions. go on a train trip to somewhere fun J. you and her (get your nails done, go to a museum), tell her no whining but also be lenient and distract her...if you're constantly annoyed with her she's probably feeding off that and annoyed with you as well. she needs a break from being yelled at probably too

Be nice.

It's a very simple rule to follow.

I would ask her to repeat everything in a 'nice' tone, or rephrase with nicer words, or think of the positive in the situation

My response to a long car drive would be to have her say, "I'm happy I have a Gramma to go and visit and who loves me.'

At night: 'I'm blessed to have a warm, safe bed to sleep in.'

Help her change her attitude. It's not easy as this has gone down hill. Just tell her we are starting a new rule in our house and unless you have something nice to say, I do not want to hear it.

And you have to tell her to stop interrupting you in front of adults and while ordering. All kids do that. We as parents have to stay on top of it. Sharply tell them to stop it. If it happened in a fast food order line, I would not order their food. If it happened in front of an adult, I would stare them down and tell her to 'shush' until you are finished. She needs to learn to wait and be patient and to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth. That means we should listen twice as much as we speak.

"A child CANNOT ARGUE with you if you won't engage her. "

This is GOLD. Pick your battles. It sounds like you don't like being told you're wrong either...or you wouldn't feel the need to argue with your daughter. Might be where she learned the behavior...

Next time she starts in, just stop talking and listen to what she's saying. Say "I can see why you think that. What do you think of....?"

For complaining, simply ask her to leave and go to her room. Tell her that you don't appreciate her rude and negative comments, so she can go be by herself in her room until YOU decide that she can be nice enough to come out and be with the family.

Also, it's SO important that we explain to our kids how we properly treat one another. We don't interrupt, tell one another to "shut up," complain about someone's gifts or cooking, or say hurtful things. When she does it, stop the conversation and say "How would you feel if I told you that the peanut butter cookies you made me were icky just because I wanted chocolate chip instead of peanut butter?" Or "How would you feel if you were telling Daddy about your dance class, and I didn't let you talk because I wanted to talk about getting an oil change in the car?"

You have to teach her to think of other people. Children are naturally selfish...especially at the pre-school age.

Start having her help with dinner, setting the table, and asking everyone what they would like to drink.

Have her help take everyone's plates after dinner.

Have her help gather up everyone's laundry on wash day.

Have her turn off the light or close the door when your arms are full.

Have her hold the door for everyone at a restaurant...or the couple coming in behind you.

Basically, get her attention off "me, me, me," and onto the fact that she's not the only person on the planet with thoughts and wants and needs.

It's hard work...but you'll love the results.

And, finally, read "Love and Logic." It really helps!

ETA: I would also like to mention, she sounds JUST like my ex's son, who has mild Asperger's. I honestly didn't like the kid, but I think if his dad would get him some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, they'd see a world of difference.

Also, be sure that she stays on schedule. I know that my ex's son would have an absolute meltdown if things weren't predictable in his day. If she's not already on a firm schedule, get her that way.

ETA: After reading your SWH, regarding how she interacts with people, I am leaning even more towards Asperger's. Please read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome just for starters. And realize that this, like other ASD's are on a spectrum, which means that your child might not show all of the symptoms, but can still be on the spectrum.

I hope that helps you. Maybe it will be a starting point.

I agree with a previous post of making her say everything in a nice way. If she says something rudely, make her repeat it in nice wording and tone. Also, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you listed things you were doing to spend time with her. " I take her to story time every week, we go to the park all the time, i took them both to the movies last week, we go have playdates with friends." These are all fine things, but they really aren't spending one on one time with her. At the library she's there to listen to a teacher. At playgroup she's there to play with other kids. At the movies she's sitting next to you being quiet - not interacting. At the park it sounds like she's spending more time interacting with other parents and their kids than with you. Elizabeth W suggested some wonderful ways to spend time with her on a more quiet one on one basis. Maybe while the two year old is napping? Even if she doesn't nap, just the three of you together would be lovely, as well. It gives you a chance to quietly listen to to her and spend that sweet time. She needs a lot of work on her behavior, as well, of course. I would be very consistent with her and stay on top of it, otherwise it will only get worse as she grows older. But trust me in that spending time focusing on her and playing with her will really help in her attitude problems. Good luck!

She needs to have firm consequences for naughty behavior and they need to be consistent - every time. At the same time you are being firm with her, you need to make extra time to have fun with her. Four is such a magical age full of imagination and wonder. Take advantage of that. Have tea parties with her dolls, go on fairy hunts in the park, make the couch into a ship and go on a treasure hunt (maybe have a real treasure like a little golden box full of play jewelry or yummy cookies), make a tent with blankets in the livingroom and play with her in it, etc. Most important take the time to really listen her when she wants to talk. Don't let her interrupt, but when she does talk to you appropriately, lavish her with attention. Pull her onto your lap and snuggle with her as she tells you all that is in her little heart. If you find yourself busy and annoyed with her constant chatter, she may be picking up on this and it could be causing at least a small part of her behavior. Also, is she watching shows that are too old for her? A lot of tween type shows can display attitudes you don't want a four year old imitating. Or perhaps a friend or cousin she could be picking up rude behavior from? I know you think your 4 year old is a big girl but in a few years you will look back and realize how little she really was. (I have a 12 year old, a 10 year old, a 7 year old, a 4 year old and I'm pregnant with #5. Believe me. They are still babies at 4.) I hope you can find a way to enjoy this sweet time with her while you still can and have the kind of relationship you both need to have.

I imagine SHE is as ready for school to start as you are ready for her to go!
I see you run a home daycare, and I'm sure that must be exhausting, not only for you, but your kids.
I'm not saying that to make you feel bad at ALL, I'm just saying it must be hard all day, every day.
Hard on you for obvious reasons (home all day, no breaks from kids) and h*** o* her (home all day, same kids, same routine.)
Is there any way she could go to preschool, at least part time? My kids only went MWF from 9 to 12:30 but they LOVED it (so did I!)
In the mean time, try to remain calm (hard, I know) and do NOT argue with her. Any time she starts to argue or whine or complain when you already said no, send her to her room. You are the mom, you do not argue or reason or negotiate with a four year old. You give them two, maybe three chances and/or choices and that's it!

Is PT preschool an option? It's not too late - many centers have slots still. It would give you a break.

You may also have a kid like my SD on your hands. We had to actively tell her that it was not her turn or she'd take the floor at the dinner table and her brother would get so fed up he wouldn't say a thing - and sometimes that was the only chance we got to really talk to him (sports, HW, etc.)

Pick your battles. Does it matter if she has the last word before bed? Or does it matter more that she learns to wait when you are speaking? We have occasionally removed DD from the table when she wouldn't let DH and I talk about something that didn't pertain to her directly. If she is snotty, she doesn't get what she's being snotty about. Little girls do not get to demand that the TV stays on in my home. Or they don't get to tell ME when it's time to go. Etc. Just try to be calm, consistent and don't make it a fight. She wants to be rude? Show her that doesn't go far.

It also helps not to take kids personally. They do things you won't like - try 8, 11 and 14 for tough ages, too - and you can't let them run you over and make you feel miserable that they exist. Parenting is a marathon. Keep your eye on the long view, and try not to let hormones get the better of you.

And for both your sakes, try to find something to praise her for and spend time with her, just the two of you. Sometimes when DD is the grumpiest, she just needs a hug.

ETA: If she acts inappropriately at activities, do you remove her from the activity?

I would try to go with a friend so that the 2 yr old can stay and then you take her out in the hall to sit til the story time is over. Just sit, no discussion, no positive reinforcement. A few times like that and she might rethink her behavior. I'd tell them both upfront that x is expected or y will happen. If she bosses people at the park, then make her sit out. My DD recently admonished a boy who was also running late and I told her to let his mother worry about him and she worry about herself. If she can't be quiet in a theatre and you have no one with you to watch the younger child so she can stay, you might have to just eat the cost and leave anyway. Or attend only the kid movies where kids are not expected to be silent. Give her a warning and then do the thing you said you'd do. Then when she asks again say, "No, DD, you do not get x toy or x movie or x event. You were very poorly behaved the last time we went and until you can show me that you can mind your manners, you do not get <insert thing here>."

Nobody is a perfect parent. A few months ago, my 4 yr old went through a "I will scream when I don't want to leave" phase. Once, because she did not want to leave the nursery (where the kids play at the end of Sunday School). She screamed all the way past the 12 PM service that was getting started. I physically carried her out and told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever wanted to be allowed to play after Sunday School again, she would not do that or she would not be going and would not see her friends. She got the hint but I wanted the floor to swallow me at that moment.

we all have those days. i have a five year old girl and i know exactly what you are talking about. you need to redo the rules. that its not okay to interrupt when you are speaking to another person etc.
when my daughter would interrupt me i would make it a point to interrupt her when talking to someone (just family not in public). she didnt like it so i told her that if she didnt like it then she can not do it to mommy while mommy was talking.
when reading a book if she starts talking close the book and quit reading. i did this for 3 days straight. now my daughter will not speak durring a story or i will not finish it. as for talking after you say good night dont reply to her when she says ''fine ill just go to sleep anyways'' just exit out of the room.
quit fighting with her. if she wont stop remove her from the situation! put her on her bed and tell her she is allowed to come out when her crying is done and she is ready to listen. that way she is choosing how long she stays in there.
girls are chatterboxes it will get better if you be cosistant with what you want from her. the younger one will learn from her sister so any behaiviors you dont like now nip them in the butt and you may not have the same problems.

I remember when my little man was 4. Very much like your little girl except without the complaining.

1. When she complains about the toys she doesn't have. I take away every toy she does have for each complaint. They return when her attitude changes. I let her know this is what will happen and then follow through.

2. If she complains about the time it takes to get to grandma's, then if possible we don't go to grandma's or I take an even longer time to get there by making stops along the way. Explaining to her that if she continues to complain it will take even longer to get to grandma's. Follow through is very important.

3. When she interrupts adult conversation, simply let her know that you are talking to So and So right now and when you are finished you will be able to listen to her. If she insists on interrupting make your response to her not particularly pleasant for her again explaining she shouldn't be interrupting you because she is being rude and always give her your attention as promised.

The thing she is who she is and it is your job as mom to teach her how to behave in polite society. What isn't cute at 4 is only amplified at 14 so you must get a handle on this right here and now. There should be no negotiating. You are the mom and your say should be final. Really at 4 there is a zero tolerance of the back and forth banter. She needs to learn how to talk to you and others with respect.

I think it becomes less stressful when you know what you are going to do every time she does ABC you have response 123. It becomes automatic and she then changes because she wants to interact with you and your approval.

Hang in there it gets better then worse then better again. You are in this for the long haul. You've got my encouragement to get there. You can do this because you are the only mother she has. Believe in yourself.

Maybe she should be in Preschool.
BEFORE she gets to Kindergarten.

Your profile says you are have a daycare?
Maybe she is getting irked about that?

4 is a hard age.

Speak to your Pediatrician.

Hello,
Would you say that these behavioral traits fit your daughter? If so, research 'Oppositional (defiant) behavior'

Frequent temper tantrums
Excessive arguing with adults
Often questioning rules
Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
Frequent anger and resentment
Mean and hateful talking when upset
Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

They get their own little will at that age.
My advice? CLEAR house rules. Post them. Review morning & evening.
Apply consequences CONSISTENTLY!
And stay the course!
(This age is the 'hard part'! Lol)

I hear you on this. You aren't going to get any judgement from me. Have you thought about perhaps going to a counselor and getting more of a professional opinion. You daughter may just be seeking something that she may not be getting from every day interactions with people. A counselor may have some good insight into how to deal with this behavior and more productive activities you could do with her. I would suggest going that route first.
P.S. there are parents on here who won't judge. Keep your chin up. Good luck.

I think you have some very constructive answers here. A lot of what I will tell you is that while consistant disapline will go a long way in this situation you also need to think about the fact that your daughter is probably feeling like your scape goat. If all you are is upset with her then what good will she know?

Take time to get to know your daughter again. But at the same time bad behavior does need stopped as well.

My four year old almost 5 loves to tell me stories, talk on the phone, and ok anything that involves his mouth moving and noise coming out. Teach apprpriate timing but do not try to make her mute either. Consider it a blessing.
_____________________________________________________
After reading your SWH. Is she maybe jelous of the baby coming and her younger sibling?

Those who say that 4 is harder than 2 are absolutely right! We've been going through this too and I will tell you that there are days that I simply do not enjoy my son. He's very smart and articulate and I'm sure he'll make a great lawyer some day because he argues EVERY SINGLE point and nuance.

Having said that, we have done three things that have helped enormously:
1. Clearly restated our expectations in every setting BEFORE it starts. For example "It's time for dinner. Remember to use your manners or you will have to eat in the kitchen by yourself." He only had to eat alone once to realize that it's not worth it to be a jerk during dinner.
2. Stopped engaging him in the arguments... "We are not discussing this. You can go to your room until you are ready to speak respectfully." He has spent quite a bit of time pulling it together in his room over the last few months, but being rude and demanding just isn't acceptable in our house. He's starting to get the message and we are spending less time "arguing about arguing".
3. Recognized that he needs to spend more time with us... being in the same room, going to the park, going on playdates is not the same thing as spending time together. We have started simplifying our lives so that both children are actually getting time playing and talking with us and with eachother. What we realized is that despite our best efforts (we both work full time, he's in school, plays soccer and swims, has a baby sister and we do activities all the time), at 4 he just wanted to be "heard" and engaged with us. For us this has meant doing more at night after they go to sleep so that the hours between 5-8 pm are not so hectic and recognizing that dinner can be spaghetti and meatballs... side salad optional if one of us has time to run out during lunch.

It will get better, but you need to take a step back and recognize that a child's behavior is far more telling than his or her words. She's arguing with you because she has likely realized that this is a way to gain and sustain your attention. Find other ways for her to do so while sending the clear message that this behavior cannot continue.

My daughter's issues were not the same as yours, but the frustration and the despair were. A child psychologist taught us a brilliant lesson. I'll sum it up here.

He said to picture a mom in a grocery store with a toddler in the grocery cart. The mom is trying to choose foods, read labels, compare prices, etc, with all her attention focused on the food on the shelves, and the toddler begins to fuss, whine, beg for cookies and squirm. So the mom looks at the child, starts offering treats, telling the child to be quiet, maybe even losing her patience. The child quiets down and the mom resumes her shopping, ignoring the child until the fussing starts again.

The psychologist says this is the exact opposite of what should happen, and will lead to more unwanted behavior. When the child is fussing, the mother should look away (this is assuming, of course, that the child is not truly hungry or in pain, that the child is just whining for attention). When the child is quiet, the mother should look the child in the eye, chat happily (even if it's just to say "hey, green beans are on sale" or "do you know how to cook quinoa?") and interact with the child. When the fussing starts, look away and do not react.

His point was: rewarded behavior will persist, and ignored behavior will cease. The rewards, he explained, are not toys or stickers or tangible rewards. A child perceives attention as desired because they haven't developed a mature perspective, even if it's his or her mom sighing and scolding or expressing disapproval. If the child displays an unwanted behavior and the household erupts and there's scolding and punishing and crying, that behavior will be repeated. If the behavior is clearly spelled out as unacceptable, and then when it's exhibited it is completely ignored (and this takes good acting on the parents' part, let me tell you), that behavior will decrease.

He also warned that initially the child may ramp up the unwanted behavior, and it is at this point that parents quit trying, saying that ignoring it didn't work. He said not to quit and to expect things to get a little worse at first.

We tried it and it was hard, but he was completely right. My husband picked our daughter up, did not look at her, removed her to her room and did not say a word. She screamed like a banshee but gradually, and quite quickly too, she stopped what she had been doing that was so disruptive and destructive.

So if at the dinner table she interrupts and talks over others, do not look at her, do not react. As soon as she listens to something someone else said, no matter how briefly, quickly say "I really liked how you listened when Daddy was telling Mommy about what happened at work today". If she complains about how long it takes to drive to grandma's house, ignore it and speak to your other child about something interesting you remember about when you were a child. You're going to have to catch your 4 year old saying something nice or neutral, and you're going to have to praise her for it. If she criticizes your food, completely avoid meeting her eyes and don't react or respond. If she puts a carrot in her mouth, say "I'm glad you're eating the carrots. They're delicious, aren't they?" It's kind of play-acting, and it takes concentration, but it can work.

As for the library and the playground, you're going to have to immediately remove her but not scold her. Ignore her, don't look her in the eye, and go home without a word.

My daughter who is 9 sounds quite similar to your daughter. She was just like your daughter at age 4 as well. What I have found has worked is spending one on one alone time with her daily. It has helped her improve her moods and behavior. Perhaps you can start spending one on one time alone with her? Granted at 9 my daughter can understand things a 4 year old cannot but it is still very possible to implement simple rules such as treat others the way you want to be treated. If you daughter always needs to have the last word, so long as it isn't something inappropriate, let her. What's the harm? Questioning things including authority is how children of all ages learn about the world around them. While I know it isn't easy to not get annoyed try taking the time to explain things to your daughter. Please don't just use the "because I said so" phrase that so many parents do as that can become highly ineffective and cause a backlash.

You have to pick your battles wisely.

I will state that my daughter is my toughest kid and I'm a mother to a nonverbal autistic boy as well to put things in perspective.

I have the boy version of your little girl, only thing is he is not rude to others, knows how to act in public and is well My everything, o and I am in love with him. I understand you to a certain degree because my son is super bright and therefor questions everything. I believe it's a good thing for them to constantly talk and ask qs, they are learning after all and I don't know about you but when I don't know something or when something if knew to me I ask about it. I love him to death but I admit there are times when I am not very found of him, that doesn't mean I don't love him or that I'm not I love with him, it just means that we are not clicking that hour or so. I kinda get the feeling that your daughter is probably acting out as a way to get attention from you ( attention is attention whether is positive or negative). She also probably notices the difference in how you feel for her and how you feel towards her sister, kids are very smart and observe everything. Do you praise her when she does do something good? Do you acknowledge her and not just her sister? All of this has to do with how you react and how you treat and teach her. Don't know about majority but I'd much rather have a child who questions everything over a Child just sitting there being complacent about everything. Try and bond with her on a one on one without the sister and really put yourself in her shoes and try to feel what she feels when she is well aware that mommy finds her annoying and finds sister to be perfect.

Updated

I have the boy version of your little girl, only thing is he is not rude to others, knows how to act in public and is well My everything, o and I am in love with him. I understand you to a certain degree because my son is super bright and therefor questions everything. I believe it's a good thing for them to constantly talk and ask qs, they are learning after all and I don't know about you but when I don't know something or when something if knew to me I ask about it. I love him to death but I admit there are times when I am not very found of him, that doesn't mean I don't love him or that I'm not I love with him, it just means that we are not clicking that hour or so. I kinda get the feeling that your daughter is probably acting out as a way to get attention from you ( attention is attention whether is positive or negative). She also probably notices the difference in how you feel for her and how you feel towards her sister, kids are very smart and observe everything. Do you praise her when she does do something good? Do you acknowledge her and not just her sister? All of this has to do with how you react and how you treat and teach her. Don't know about majority but I'd much rather have a child who questions everything over a Child just sitting there being complacent about everything. Try and bond with her on a one on one without the sister and really put yourself in her shoes and try to feel what she feels when she is well aware that mommy finds her annoying and finds sister to be perfect.

It sounds like you need a break. Is there any way you can get a few hours away to reset?

Try role playing with her. You are her (bossy/rude) and she is another child. Show her how it feels to be spoken to like that and bossed around. That's how people gain empathy - by trying to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

You do need to get this under control because that quiet 2-1/2 year old is taking all of this in and LEARNING IT! You WILL end up in the same boat with her. She is probably so quiet because the oldest is talking all the time - not necessarily because she's so shy. It happens all the time with siblings; one is the ring leader, the other the follower.

I am guessing that as she was growing up you were trying to reason with her and explain to her when you said no to her. I know I did and what I got was a child who questioned everything I said and who argued with me constantly. Someone finally pointed out to me that you can't reason with a child that young. They don't have reasoning skills. So for a time it has to be "just because I said so."

I don't know what you can do about the constant talking but I know how that feels also. I just tell the kids we are having quiet time for the next ten minutes and if everyone is quiet for 10 minutes, I'll buy ice cream! Usually works. Ten minutes of silence can be so rejuvenating!

I do think you need more structure for your day. Sit down and write out a daily schedule. Kids really do bounce off the walls if they don't have structure and don't know what to expect next. Structured days = calm days. No structure = choas.

Good luck and congrats on the new baby!

Well, honey, I feel sorry for you both.

You are so tired of her that you can't see the fun side of this. And a lot of this is just plain delightful - "Well, fine, then i am going to go to sleep" - and you call it stupid. (I admit that I'm shaking my head on that one...) She NEEDS to talk and you can't stand it.

Now, I'm not trying to make you out to be a bad guy here, so bear with me. You need a break and she needs some structure where she learns that she cannot talk all the time. That means preschool. If you don't send her to preschool before kindergarten, you're going to get a lot of comments from her kinder teacher about the fact that she cannot be quiet in school.

So get her in a program. Recharge your batteries and when she gets home and is just BUSTING to talk to you, change your attitude and start delighting in your daughter. Read to her a lot. Let her make up stories by giving her prompts. They can be silly or serious. Don't engage in arguing with her. Give her two choices and make sure that either one of them is okay. You need to have structure in your home and make sure that she knows what comes next in that structure. If she gives you a hard time about what comes next, then you put her toys in time out until she complies. Don't fight with her - be matter-of-fact and stop getting upset.

Where does she hear the complaining? She has heard it somewhere... from a family member? From a friend? You need to say to her "No complaints... we don't complain. Remember the little children who don't have anything?" If you haven't gone through her toys and weeded out, maybe you should. Boxing up toys she hasnt played with in a long time and then rotating the toys every few months will make her feel like she has new toys without you needing to go buy more.

Is everything that comes out of her mouth REALLY snotty and rude? Or are you just exasperated about it all? Do you talk back rudely to her because you've had enough? You must model how to talk to her if you want her to talk nicely to you. You can also put her in her room in time out if she is talking mean.

Little kids aren't supposed to act like adults. They act like they are 4. You aren't enjoying her because you don't enjoy 4 year olds. Change your mindset. If you don't, you may doom yourself to being sideways with her until she IS 14, and then she'll pull away from you and not want to give you the time of day. You may WISH at that point that she'd talk to you like before.

You must choose a plan to deal with this and stick to the plan. Don't get mad. Don't get exasperated. 4 year olds are supposed to push your buttons - that's part of gaining independence. It's your job to guide that independence so that it's healthy. Be 100% consistent on how you deal with her pushiness. If she is bossy with someone, look at her and say "Do you really think that saying "x" to so-and-so was nice? Is that how we are supposed to treat our friends?" You will have to do a lot of that as she gets older so that she doesn't lose her friends. Fussing at her won't work. Getting her to "think" about it is what you need to do. She doesn't know any better. It's up to you to teach her. Figure out how you should go about teaching her so that you two don't end up at each other's throats.

Good luck!
Dawn

It sounds to me like you have a pretty typical four year old girl. There is a lot to be said for the theory of "ages and stages" in children, and this seems to be the four year old stage, particularly noticeable in girls. Yes, it does get better! It may take longer than a year or two, but once she starts school, one of the things that will make it easier is simply that she is away from you for part of the day, and is getting involved in some other interests that will alleviate part of the things she does that stress you out. Do your best to enjoy her. If that means getting some play dates set up or some other way to get her out of the house, and away from you, for short periods, definitely consider that. It doesn't make you a 'bad' mommy to want time away from your girl. It may make you a much better mommy when you are with her.

It sounds like the two of you are spending way too much time together without a break. How much interation is she getting with other kids and other adults? How much time interaction are you getting with other adults without any kids? How much time are you spending away from her.

Your daughter sounds perfectly normal, and a lot of the things that are driving you crazy are probably things that would amuse you and make cute stories if you were not feeling so stressed. My 5 yr old can go on for 10 minutes without stopping as she weaves her silly tales...if you listen, though, they can be quite amusing. When I'm tired, stressed or just wanting some "me" time, those same anecdotes can be absolutely maddening.

I highly suggest putting her in a preschool or Mother's Day out program a few days a week or at least send her to a babysitter several hours per week. Both of you sound like you need greater interaction with other people separate from each other. Also, quit arguing with her...it will only make her feel insecure and whiny instead of helping. I don't think you're neglecting her in any way...I think the two of you just need some breaks from each other.

Don't fight, put her in time out when she doesn't listen, moths off, interupts, etc. There may be rules but it doesn't sound like anything happens when they are broken.

It will only get worse when she is in school because a teacher isn't going to tollerate that behaviour and will expect you to fix it. A girl was like that last year in my son's class and she became mean to the kids cause they didn't want to be around her. It was so bad that my son was the ONLY child from class that went to her B-day party and the entire class was invited. She was a distraction from the rest of the class which meant the teacher had to focus more of her attintion on her instead of teaching the rest of the kids.

Get a handle on it now, stop being her friend and be her parent.

S.