I Am a Disaster

Hey girl I'm sorry you're going thru this! I'll give you what advice I've got...financially you should eliminate EVERY unnecessary expense. Look at phone bills, cable, cell phone, DSL costs. Call all your providers and ask them if there is any way to save money. If you don't get access to regular tv channels without cable the cable company is required to offer you local channels for about $15. What they don't tell you is that they won't filter out the basic cable channels that come in too so you could get basic cable for that price. Ask the phone, gas and electric company about reduced rates for low income. You may be suprised how much you can make and still qualify. Also look into level pay with the electric company. Knowing what your bill will be every month helps with budgeting. Try to divide your bills by what has to be paid with the first paycheck and what with the next paycheck. Then try to save any paycheck that comes in that gives you a "third" paycheck in a month. In other words try to budget for only getting two paychecks a month.

Now on to the emotional...join a divorce recovery group at your church or in your community. I didn't want to go to one, mainly because I wasn't really that upset about being divorced (my soon to be ex was emotionally abusive and horrible to live with) but I needed support with navigating co-parent issues. I needed to find people who were, in at least some ways, going thru what I am. The first time I went I didn't want to go, or go back. I forced myself to go back and am so glad. That second week I made some friends and am feeling like I have some support now. My family has been awesome but there is nothing like going through something and having others who are also going thru it to talk to.

My ex moved in with his girlfriend and her 5 kids when he left me and our 4 so I totally get it! If you want to talk feel free to message me!

Hang in there it gets better. I'm at the 5 month mark and I'm feeling pretty normal with the exception of the back and forth with the kids. They haven't spent nights with him yet but they will eventually. You know what? I'm actually starting to look forward to that, and having some time off.

2 moms found this helpful

L., I'm so so sorry. Even "amicable" divorces are hell. I remember feeling that a death was easier to go through than a divorce - and quite frankly, I loathed (with good reason) the guy I was divorcing. Here's the book that got me through: http://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relationship-Books-Divor... I also found a low-cost support group, with a Godsend of a counselor. Side note: May I suggest, if you look to a support group, find one led by a professional. Don't go to Internet "comiseration" sessions; they'll keep you in powerlessness.

Set simple goals, e.g.: "Today I will (take a walk, sit down with the kids, make a healthy salad, read something, take a bath, do my makeup, wake up at...). I remember having to MAKE myself wash my hair because it seemed like soooo much work. And you have to go through the motions for the kids, even when you think you can't.

My #1 lesson learned: Be VERY careful about letting the kids feel responsible for your stress, but be honest with what they can handle. Be PRESENT as often as you can. I spent years in myself, not noticing what they were perceiving. TALK about feelings; don't pretend things are o.k. Let them see you take care of yourself.

#2 lesson: Expensive attorneys save you money and trouble in the long run.

I was a homemaker at the time of my divorce, with 2 in diapers and one 9-y.o. I was left with no access to funds (fraudulently conveyed outside the state), and I never got a dime of child support (which had nothing to do with the quality of my attorney). I thought I wouldn't make it. I honestly can't believe I did. Not to compare; just to help you feel empowered.

Look at your skills, talents and all opportunities. Think about what you can do (sewing, babysitting, crafting, cooking, editing, errands, domestic services, pet services, newspaper route) that can make you some extra money. Consign or garage-sale anything you don't need. Consider getting grants or loans for further education, and using the money to supplement your living. Consider churches or food programs that can help with some necessities. Consider moving or sharing a place. Humility sucked, I remember. And I'm thankful now that I know what suffering REALLY is - because I take NOTHING for granted anymore.

You'll be a better, wiser and more confident person for what you're going through; I promise.

Take care and let us know how you're doing.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry! Sounds like a really hard time for you and your kids. You know what really helped me through my divorce was knowledge and support. When I say knowledge, the more books I could get my hands on to help myself, the better. I'd recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and Psalms in the Bible. As far as support, find an excellent counselor! Also, let your friends and family know you need help!
I wish you the best!

Dear L.,

My name is Alex, I am currently seperated from my husband. I have 2 boys and a baby on the way. I dont recieve much financial help from him, so I can relate.

But not more than a week ago, I had an answer to my prayers. I too was looking for employment because financially I was real bad, so posted my resume on the internet. Needless to say that same day I recieved a call to go on an interview. This company that I just got on board with, is unlike any other out there. Through this company it gives me the ability to be more as a woman, mother, and provider for my family. No JOB (Just Over Broke)out there would have made this possible. Do you want more for yourself and your children? YES! of course you do. So it only makes sense that I have my good friend Elizabeth give you a call. Here is my email ____@____.com drop me the best number and time to give you a call.

The only way we can be the best mother and supporter for our children is when we are operating to our maximum God given potential and devoting time to our own mental and emotional healing. We feel better about ourselves better about our lives, thus we are better mothers to our children.
Sincerely yours,
A. Chavez

My heart goes out to you. I can only say that having hope in Christ Jesus is my only advice. We have freedom in Christ. Freedom and forgiveness.

I also recommend going to Divorce Care a support group at Saddleback Church. I have pasted the link for the meeting

http://www.saddlebackfamily.com/home/careprayerhelp/suppo...

or even trying Celebrate recovery at Saddleback church

http://celebraterecovery.com/video.shtml

they have meetings for all situations

I hope this helps! I know that is important to not go through life situations alone.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I aso know that Saddleback has a great community for children of all ages. This is so important for there emotional pain and struggles!

Take care!

A. McKinley

My heart sank when I read your post. I've been there, not so long ago, and I know so many others have too. I would love to be of any help that I can. I can certainly help with the new look and weight loss, etc. I'm a model and used to be a personal trainer as well. I'm still trying to get my finances organized....little bits at a time add up so don't overwhelm yourself. Sounds like you're an excellent mom inspite of all that you've been left to deal with. God bless you.

Please feel free to email me directly if you'd like. ____@____.com're certainly not alone.

JK

Oh Hun how I have been there, and my heart goes out to you. Those are are not easy times. First step is reaching out, which you just did. Secondly remember your worth is never measured by a man.....Never. Although it is always painful, the pain is temporary, it is always temporary. Make a list of the things you would like to accomplish in a day. The best you is a happy you, so don't feel bad if what you are trying to accomplish seems self-centered. But make the list and even if you only get one daily goal accomplished it will feel better to at least put a foot in that direction. Remaining stagnant will do nothing for your psyche. Cry when you need to cry. We are women and much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. As far as being a financial mess, there are tricks that I myself am currently working on that I can share with you as well.

No, you are not a disaster you are human. You are going through a rought time and you will get through it. I have not been through a divorce, so I am unable to speak on that, but the weight loss and being closer to me kids (2 daughters 11 & 8), well that is my thing.
I was a school teacher for 10 years. I would spend about 8 hours a day taking care of other peoples kids, then not have much lifet for my own when I got home. My husband was the stay at home parent. If someone called for a playdate, they spoke to him, I truly new nothing about their schedules. I took a leave from teaching to try something different, something that when I would be home, i'd be home. I started with a personal develoment company (Peak Potentials). At first, I would travel only 1 or 2 days a week. The rest of the week I'd be with my family. Now this was better. Then the comapny started to expand (Harv Eker wrote a book and went on his book tour and I travelled with him) Of course it was a best seller. We were gone quite a bit. I did this for 2 years. It got to the point where I was gone an entire month (I felt terrible so I flew the family out to Orlando to be with me for a week). I needed a change. I started resenting what I was doing and I knew i needed out.
That is when I was blessed with Isagenix. It is a helath and wellness company whose main focus is nutritional body cleansing. I knew I needed some of that. I needed to cleanse my body, my mind and mostly my soul. I left Peak Potentials. I then started my home based business nfull time. The difference is this is MINE, I set my hours, I make the schedule. If the kids have a "thing" at school, I could go. My life is mine again. And my children have never been happier.
And now, here is is about 18 months later, my family and I are on a 2 year travelling adventure. Currently we are traveling the southern US states and Australia and who knows where after that.

Please, your kids are your greatest gift. You need to take care of you FIRST, they will fall in line with whatever you are feeling. I wish you all the best.

B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com

L.,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. A divorce is almost always a horrible thing to deal with, but you have to keep thinking about the children. I can't believe that your husband would introduce a girlfriend to your children! That's just plain out selfish and cruel. Coming out of the divorce you will probably be faced with credit card debt and dividing your assets. I had a friend go through a similar situation and in the end thought it best to file for bankruptcy and she actually got the relief she needed. Her husband left her with all sorts of credit card debt and a mortgage she could not keep. As far as doing stuff to make you feel better, now is the time. Spend time taking care of yourself and your kids. When I needed a little pick me up after the baby weight never left, I started going to the gym, walks with the baby around the neighborhood, and I just recently joined weight watchers. It's always good to keep active. If you need some support, I would be glad to help.

D. Nottingham
Santa Ana, CA

I am so sorry for your current situation. I have a friend who happens to be in financial distress and just got divorced. My friend and i are currently partylite consultants. We both do candle parties. In her case, that is how she pays for her and childrens needs (clothes,food, school supplies, etc..) there is no investment when you start partylite and the best this is that you get paid weekly. Let me know if this interest you. You'll be meeting new people and getting paid at the same time. Good luck! And i hope to hear from you soon!