I Am a Disaster

Hey girl I'm sorry you're going thru this! I'll give you what advice I've got...financially you should eliminate EVERY unnecessary expense. Look at phone bills, cable, cell phone, DSL costs. Call all your providers and ask them if there is any way to save money. If you don't get access to regular tv channels without cable the cable company is required to offer you local channels for about $15. What they don't tell you is that they won't filter out the basic cable channels that come in too so you could get basic cable for that price. Ask the phone, gas and electric company about reduced rates for low income. You may be suprised how much you can make and still qualify. Also look into level pay with the electric company. Knowing what your bill will be every month helps with budgeting. Try to divide your bills by what has to be paid with the first paycheck and what with the next paycheck. Then try to save any paycheck that comes in that gives you a "third" paycheck in a month. In other words try to budget for only getting two paychecks a month.

Now on to the emotional...join a divorce recovery group at your church or in your community. I didn't want to go to one, mainly because I wasn't really that upset about being divorced (my soon to be ex was emotionally abusive and horrible to live with) but I needed support with navigating co-parent issues. I needed to find people who were, in at least some ways, going thru what I am. The first time I went I didn't want to go, or go back. I forced myself to go back and am so glad. That second week I made some friends and am feeling like I have some support now. My family has been awesome but there is nothing like going through something and having others who are also going thru it to talk to.

My ex moved in with his girlfriend and her 5 kids when he left me and our 4 so I totally get it! If you want to talk feel free to message me!

Hang in there it gets better. I'm at the 5 month mark and I'm feeling pretty normal with the exception of the back and forth with the kids. They haven't spent nights with him yet but they will eventually. You know what? I'm actually starting to look forward to that, and having some time off.

L., I'm so so sorry. Even "amicable" divorces are hell. I remember feeling that a death was easier to go through than a divorce - and quite frankly, I loathed (with good reason) the guy I was divorcing. Here's the book that got me through: http://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relationship-Books-Divor... I also found a low-cost support group, with a Godsend of a counselor. Side note: May I suggest, if you look to a support group, find one led by a professional. Don't go to Internet "comiseration" sessions; they'll keep you in powerlessness.

Set simple goals, e.g.: "Today I will (take a walk, sit down with the kids, make a healthy salad, read something, take a bath, do my makeup, wake up at...). I remember having to MAKE myself wash my hair because it seemed like soooo much work. And you have to go through the motions for the kids, even when you think you can't.

My #1 lesson learned: Be VERY careful about letting the kids feel responsible for your stress, but be honest with what they can handle. Be PRESENT as often as you can. I spent years in myself, not noticing what they were perceiving. TALK about feelings; don't pretend things are o.k. Let them see you take care of yourself.

#2 lesson: Expensive attorneys save you money and trouble in the long run.

I was a homemaker at the time of my divorce, with 2 in diapers and one 9-y.o. I was left with no access to funds (fraudulently conveyed outside the state), and I never got a dime of child support (which had nothing to do with the quality of my attorney). I thought I wouldn't make it. I honestly can't believe I did. Not to compare; just to help you feel empowered.

Look at your skills, talents and all opportunities. Think about what you can do (sewing, babysitting, crafting, cooking, editing, errands, domestic services, pet services, newspaper route) that can make you some extra money. Consign or garage-sale anything you don't need. Consider getting grants or loans for further education, and using the money to supplement your living. Consider churches or food programs that can help with some necessities. Consider moving or sharing a place. Humility sucked, I remember. And I'm thankful now that I know what suffering REALLY is - because I take NOTHING for granted anymore.

You'll be a better, wiser and more confident person for what you're going through; I promise.

Take care and let us know how you're doing.

I'm sorry! Sounds like a really hard time for you and your kids. You know what really helped me through my divorce was knowledge and support. When I say knowledge, the more books I could get my hands on to help myself, the better. I'd recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and Psalms in the Bible. As far as support, find an excellent counselor! Also, let your friends and family know you need help!
I wish you the best!

Oh Hun how I have been there, and my heart goes out to you. Those are are not easy times. First step is reaching out, which you just did. Secondly remember your worth is never measured by a man.....Never. Although it is always painful, the pain is temporary, it is always temporary. Make a list of the things you would like to accomplish in a day. The best you is a happy you, so don't feel bad if what you are trying to accomplish seems self-centered. But make the list and even if you only get one daily goal accomplished it will feel better to at least put a foot in that direction. Remaining stagnant will do nothing for your psyche. Cry when you need to cry. We are women and much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. As far as being a financial mess, there are tricks that I myself am currently working on that I can share with you as well.

My heart sank when I read your post. I've been there, not so long ago, and I know so many others have too. I would love to be of any help that I can. I can certainly help with the new look and weight loss, etc. I'm a model and used to be a personal trainer as well. I'm still trying to get my finances organized....little bits at a time add up so don't overwhelm yourself. Sounds like you're an excellent mom inspite of all that you've been left to deal with. God bless you.

Please feel free to email me directly if you'd like. ____@____.com're certainly not alone.

JK

Oh sweetie,
When I say I know exactly what you're going through... I mean EXACTLY. I'm 30, also in a financial mess, and my ex is off living the good life with his fiance.

First, write a list of all the reasons that you wouldn't be happy with him (start with the fact that he's selfish, and cares about his own needs than those of his children, much less the mother of those children).

Second, write a list of all the good things about yourself.... Give yourself a few pages.. you will fill them.

Anytime you start missing him, or feeling abandoned, read the first over and over until you have reminded yourself that his leaving was a good thing for you, and a BIG mistake on his part.

When you feel depressed or down on yourself, read the second list. You may be surprised that you will find new things to add almost everyday.

Take some time everyday to think about all the things in your life that you have to be thankful for. When you are feeling like you life is out of control, it's easy to forget how lucky we really are.

Financially, get help wherever you can. Food stamps, welfare, borrow money from family, even use your credit cards if you have to. I get paid very little, but I've started selling some of my crafts on Ebay, tutoring my son's classmates, even pet sitting. I cut my own hair, sew a lot of my own clothes, and shop at deep discount stores. I'm still struggling, but I like to view it as surviving. And I know, once the divorce is final, I will be getting a lot more from my ex. You will survive... just try to keep your head above water.

Believe it or not, it only gets better from here. You just have to make a plan and believe in yourself. If you haven't already, hire a good lawyer (someone you trust)... it really helps to have someone in your court (even if it costs an arm and a leg). Anytime your ex tries to talk you into something you don't like, all you have to say is "Talk to my lawyer". Believe me when I say it is really freeing and empowering.

I might also suggest counseling. There are a lot of low cost or even free counseling services. At least try it out for a bit. Especially when you have kids, you feel like you have to stuff all yur feelings inside and be strong all the time. Talking to a counselor is a GREAT release, and he/she can often give great advice about how to support your children. If you live in the South Bay area, I can give you the number of the place I go to. They also offer children's counseling. My son is seeing one of their counselors as well. If your kids are school age, the school also offers counseling.

Don't be in a rush to get out into the dating world. I tried this and it didn't make me feel any better, and just stressed me out more. Instead, spend some time doing things that YOU enjoy. Find a good babysitter (sometimes other moms will swap babysitting), or see if your family can watch your kids for awhile. Go out with friends, see a movie, or just stay home and take a bubble bath. Take time for yourself....

As far as losing weight... I'm working on that one too. I try to walk a few times around my complex. Don't stress yourself out on that one. Try little things like getting a new haircut, getting your nails done, or buying a few new clothes. You don't have to spend a lot if you know where to look. I'm the bargain shopping queen, so if you ever want to go on a budget shopping spree (I know that sound like an oxymoron), let me know.

More than anything else, always remember... YOU are in control of your life. No one can hurt you unless you let them. No one can make you do anything you don't want to. You choose how to live your life, how to think, how to feel, and ultimately what the future brings. Keep your head up and take charge of your life again.

If you ever need someone to chat with, let me know.... like I said... I know EXACTLY what you're going through.

Kat

I am so sorry for your current situation. I have a friend who happens to be in financial distress and just got divorced. My friend and i are currently partylite consultants. We both do candle parties. In her case, that is how she pays for her and childrens needs (clothes,food, school supplies, etc..) there is no investment when you start partylite and the best this is that you get paid weekly. Let me know if this interest you. You'll be meeting new people and getting paid at the same time. Good luck! And i hope to hear from you soon!

Dear L.,

My name is Alex, I am currently seperated from my husband. I have 2 boys and a baby on the way. I dont recieve much financial help from him, so I can relate.

But not more than a week ago, I had an answer to my prayers. I too was looking for employment because financially I was real bad, so posted my resume on the internet. Needless to say that same day I recieved a call to go on an interview. This company that I just got on board with, is unlike any other out there. Through this company it gives me the ability to be more as a woman, mother, and provider for my family. No JOB (Just Over Broke)out there would have made this possible. Do you want more for yourself and your children? YES! of course you do. So it only makes sense that I have my good friend Elizabeth give you a call. Here is my email ____@____.com drop me the best number and time to give you a call.

The only way we can be the best mother and supporter for our children is when we are operating to our maximum God given potential and devoting time to our own mental and emotional healing. We feel better about ourselves better about our lives, thus we are better mothers to our children.
Sincerely yours,
A. Chavez

9 years ago, I was exactly where you are. My husband of 12 years (together for 16) left me for another woman. I was devastated and even more so when I found out about "her" and that she lived with him. The thought of her going on vacation, meeting my in-laws, and even brushing my daughters' hair would send me through the roof. I had a hard time concentrating at work and my finances were not a priority, because I was so depressed. I ended up going on Paxil, and antidepressant, for a few months to help get me through a really rough patch, that was very helpful to pull out of the deep sadness. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but everything you're feeling is temporary. The feelings off loss and hurt will go away. There will come a day when you don't "celebrate" things like "Today would have been our 10th anniversary," "Today would have been 15 years we were together, if we were still married." I use to be really sad on the anniversary of him leaving! Now, I don't even remember when it was (well, I do, but you know what I mean, it just doesn't hurt anymore.) As far as your kids go, and this is straight from an Oprah show, "learn how to love you kids more than you hate your Ex." That one saying has helped me tremendously. I realized that I had to be the grown up and take the high road. I made myself even accept the girlfriend, who is now his wife. I told myself now he is her problem, he won't be cheating on me anymore, he won't be telling me what to eat (or not eat) and maybe I WILL have a chance to find true happiness, but if so, it will be up to me. We are at a point now where we can all be in the same place at the same time and it's OK. There are no evil glares, no hurt feelings, and everyone has one goal in mind, support the kids growing up. It wasn't easy, there were soccer team parties many years ago when I was still single and they would show up together holding hands and being huggy kissy right in front of me. I would leave early and cry all the way home. I found out much later, that was not to make me jealous. SHE was so jealous of ME and uncomfortable around ME, that he did that to make HER feel better. The day will come when you are done being sad. In the meantime, try very hard to limit your sadness to when you're alone in your room or on your lunch break. If you take it to work or around your kids, your work life and home life will suffer. It takes what it takes to get over it, and it mostly takes time. It's expected for it to take about 1/2 the length of the relationship to get over it. How long have you been separated? Is it time to start having some girls nights out with your friends? Try to have time with your friends where you do not discuss this divorce as well. Come to support groups like this if you have to, but don't drown your in life friends with all the drama, they will be supportive for so long, then they will get sick of it, same with family. Remember, they aren't the ones going through it, so they will come to a point where they wonder why you're not "over it" yet. Go to counseling if your insurance will pay for it (or his if you're still on it) and try to make new friends at work. New places, new things that you want to do. If it's been long enough, put a profile up on match.com and start dating. For awhile it might make you uncomfortable, but once you go through it enough, you'll feel like you can meet someone else again, or at least that you'll be attracted to someone else again. The hard part is trying not to leak this divorce all over the new relationship, so again, try not to talk about your divorce with men you're dating (as in, that's all you talk about.). Don't let it consume you, the divorce (or your previous marriage) does not define you as a person. You can make your life better. Listen to "I Will Survive," it sounds corney, but it can be a mantra and a theme song. Once you start getting strong and backing away, there will come a day that he is not use to not getting attention from you. Just a week ago, my ex-husband (who is now married to that girl) asked me if I would give him a massage, because he doesn't want to pay for one anymore. My response, "First of all, how do you think my fiancé would feel about that, and second of all, how would your wife feel about that?" Proof positive that men don't change, he will cheat on her. I am now engaged and have a 1 year old baby with another man. I never thought that would happen, I thought I would love my ex forever. I didn't even give him a 40th birthday card a few weeks ago, and normally I would have, even after the divorce. Time and distance will help. Don't talk to him for awhile, unless it's about exchanging the kids or money, even then, you can send that type of communication without talking to him. Don't do it for his benefit, do it for yours. My ex left me before he left me. He was "leaving me" while we were still married. He was seeing her behind my back for 2 years and I had NO idea (she was in his reserve unit in the military) He had time to mourn your divorce privately and while he had someone else (he did it the cowardly way as far as I'm concerned,) now you take the time to do it, without him in your life. Time and distance, it's the only thing that I know that will truly help. A few years after my divorce, I started going to my local community college part time. I'm now only 4 classes away from my AA. It took a long time because I did it part time. Now I'm taking classes online, so I don't even have to leave the house or my kids. I was able to qualify for a board of Governor fee waver, so I only pay for books. I'm also taking an online medical transcription course, so I can continue to work from home when I'm done.

My heart goes out to you. I can only say that having hope in Christ Jesus is my only advice. We have freedom in Christ. Freedom and forgiveness.

I also recommend going to Divorce Care a support group at Saddleback Church. I have pasted the link for the meeting

http://www.saddlebackfamily.com/home/careprayerhelp/suppo...

or even trying Celebrate recovery at Saddleback church

http://celebraterecovery.com/video.shtml

they have meetings for all situations

I hope this helps! I know that is important to not go through life situations alone.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I aso know that Saddleback has a great community for children of all ages. This is so important for there emotional pain and struggles!

Take care!

A. McKinley

L.,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. A divorce is almost always a horrible thing to deal with, but you have to keep thinking about the children. I can't believe that your husband would introduce a girlfriend to your children! That's just plain out selfish and cruel. Coming out of the divorce you will probably be faced with credit card debt and dividing your assets. I had a friend go through a similar situation and in the end thought it best to file for bankruptcy and she actually got the relief she needed. Her husband left her with all sorts of credit card debt and a mortgage she could not keep. As far as doing stuff to make you feel better, now is the time. Spend time taking care of yourself and your kids. When I needed a little pick me up after the baby weight never left, I started going to the gym, walks with the baby around the neighborhood, and I just recently joined weight watchers. It's always good to keep active. If you need some support, I would be glad to help.

D. Nottingham
Santa Ana, CA

No, you are not a disaster you are human. You are going through a rought time and you will get through it. I have not been through a divorce, so I am unable to speak on that, but the weight loss and being closer to me kids (2 daughters 11 & 8), well that is my thing.
I was a school teacher for 10 years. I would spend about 8 hours a day taking care of other peoples kids, then not have much lifet for my own when I got home. My husband was the stay at home parent. If someone called for a playdate, they spoke to him, I truly new nothing about their schedules. I took a leave from teaching to try something different, something that when I would be home, i'd be home. I started with a personal develoment company (Peak Potentials). At first, I would travel only 1 or 2 days a week. The rest of the week I'd be with my family. Now this was better. Then the comapny started to expand (Harv Eker wrote a book and went on his book tour and I travelled with him) Of course it was a best seller. We were gone quite a bit. I did this for 2 years. It got to the point where I was gone an entire month (I felt terrible so I flew the family out to Orlando to be with me for a week). I needed a change. I started resenting what I was doing and I knew i needed out.
That is when I was blessed with Isagenix. It is a helath and wellness company whose main focus is nutritional body cleansing. I knew I needed some of that. I needed to cleanse my body, my mind and mostly my soul. I left Peak Potentials. I then started my home based business nfull time. The difference is this is MINE, I set my hours, I make the schedule. If the kids have a "thing" at school, I could go. My life is mine again. And my children have never been happier.
And now, here is is about 18 months later, my family and I are on a 2 year travelling adventure. Currently we are traveling the southern US states and Australia and who knows where after that.

Please, your kids are your greatest gift. You need to take care of you FIRST, they will fall in line with whatever you are feeling. I wish you all the best.

B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com