More specifically, my husband wants to work out two hours every weeknight (from 6-8pm), after he works his 8-5/5:30 office job and commutes 45 minutes home. I’ve been disapproving of his taking this time more than two nights per week, because 6:30-9:00pm are the only weeknight family hours, and he would miss family dinner and reduce his involvement with our kids to 30-60 minutes per day.
DH is 40lbs overweight, has some related health-issues, is not as fit as he needs to be to enjoy hiking and skiing. He’s 47 and our kids are 9, 5, and 3, so he needs the energy and stamina to keep up with them. But he refuses to work out in the early morning (“You know I’m not a morning person”) and the late evening after the kids are in bed (“Then I’d never get to sleep”). Also, he won’t diet (“I refuse to give up chocolate.”) He eats a candy bar (or two) every day and ice cream 3x/week. I just feel that if he is going to take away our family time with his workouts, he better make some sacrifices of his own, because the workouts, in our view, come out of my and my family’s skin, if you will.
There’s more. Over the last five months I have dropped from size 12 to my wedding weight of Size 6 and he’s very resentful. I lost the weight through a clean, wholesome and sensible diet (~1500 calories per day) and working out. For the first three months, I worked out 3 hours a week taking an intense, focused 30-minute class at the gym. Over the last two I have also started walking to and from the gym or swimming (adding about 5 hours/week, for an average of 1.3 hrs/day). I’m a serious morning person, and so I get up at 5am and am home by 7:00am so he can work. Saturday, things came to a head. I overstayed my workout (He had gone skiing the day before, was sooo sore, so I made him a massage appt and assumed he didn’t plan to workout before hand.) I can only assume he had wanted to, because he was in his gym clothes and as he left the house he yelled, “If you are going to workout six days a week, than I am too,’ and slammed the door behind him.
Yesterday, I conceded to his working out every weekday, on condition that he diet and that he back at 8:00pm, whether he had to work later or not (i.e., take the extra work time out of the workout). He says it “isn’t fair” that he has to be constrained to a time limit and that “I just don’t get it.” I asked him to explain, or even write it down for me, but he wouldn’t.
I’ll admit, I don’t get it. Is it wrong to ask him to parent on weeknights? I realize I can’t truly tell him what to do, but I’m dumbstruck that he feels my asking him to be with his family is viewed as such an imposition. Yeah, I know it’s stressful working. I worked a killer corporate job for 10 years, but two years ago we decided to downshift ‘for better balance.’ Now I work part-time to ‘stay in the game,’ and my afternoons are filled with kids (carpools, lessons, dinner prep and cleanup, homework, playdates and heck, playing with the kids myself). This isn’t exactly ‘me time.’ I’m surprised to hear him say, “It’s not fair,” like everything needs to be metered out (and that he thinks HE’S got the short end of the stick). Moreover, I am concerned about his engagement with the kids, but mostly with me. It’s his communication style to let something stew, finally burst out in anger, and then just not tell me any more, not to talk it out and ‘resolve’ the situation. It seems like each time he does this, I just separate myself from him a little more emotionally. Now, if he’s basically going to be physically gone, and I can’t count on him until well after dinner, and I’m in bed by 9:30 (I'm tired by then) and he’s not in until 11:00pm . . . well, let’s just say it doesn’t create a very rewarding relationship. How do those of you with husbands who travel all week (or, more difficult, are away in the military) keep a vibrant relationship? How do you ‘night owls’ get along with your spouses who are ‘morning people’ and vice versa?
Just a thought-
If he feels the need to work-out two hours a day, he can certainly use his lunch hour to get in some cardio walking/running. He can also break-up his work out into an hour in the morning and another hour in the evening.
For me, this would not be okay. You may want to consider investing in equipment at home if you have the space. This is what we eventually did after having this "discussion" over and over again!
Best of luck with this! It is so hard in a marriage to work out schedules, especially when you are both working so hard in the first place. I TOTALLY understand your point - that you want time together as a family and as a couple. 5 days a week for 2 hours is not fair. My thought is that you compromise - CHEERFULLY not RESENTFULLY give him 2 or 3 nights a week. Then schedule the other 2 nights for you as a couple to do things together.
Back when my hubby and I were working out schedules, we scheduled in 2 nights a week to specifically do something together - hang out, talk, watch a show, etc. etc. :). This worked great for us.
In addition, just an observation - if you are working out in the early mornings then what if he DID decide to get his exercise time in then? It would take away from YOURS, and you probably wouldn't like that either.
You both need exercise, you both need me time - I'd say give it to him, but 5 nights is too much. I'd say 3 tops. Don't hound him about his other "habits" - the only way he'll change those is if HE wants to, and if you push him, he'll probably never change just because you are nagging him about it.
Good luck! I've SO been there!!!
Working out that many times a week for 2 hours EACH time? He's gonna burn out REAL quick... Like day 3 when he is "so sore" so he'll skip...
I am assuming he is going to an actual gym set up like golds gym or some place that has personal trainers and councilers. Have him sign up or sign him up to use that support system and then they can talk to him about the whole diet issue...
Pick your battles wisely. Let him know that you would LOVE for him to have the "him" time he desires... But if he is gone that long every night... It will end up having an impact on the relationship. (My first thought would be after a few weeks of no proof of working out or weight loss that your thinking would jump to WHAT is he really doing?)
Also point out that your "YOU" time is NOT encroaching on the time you spend with your kids!
It really sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues behind the scenes and that its really his desire to protect himself now that you worked hard and are back to "hot momma" and he's still "dumpy dad".
Hi K.,
1. I am dealing with similar issues and felt frustrated. I was recommended an awesome and insightful book I am now reading, and it has already helped our relationship: The Dance of Anger -- A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner. (It is more about how anger is a cover for the expression of needs of "self" in the relationship etc...,and how to break the cycle of anger by expressing the self etc....but I am still in the first 100 pages....so forgive the brevity)
2. Have you considered initiating a weekly date nite with your hubby? You could even consider having another nite together of taking a long walk together to get exercise????
GL and as I move for similar issues, I may add to this posting.
I have found that no amount of talk from either of you to the other is going to get the point across or by now you would both get the other. Which is where me & mine were at too. We went & saw a counselor. Hubby was skeptical & would not commit fully. Counselor told him that all she needed him to commit too was one excercise. He did & it was so eye opening! Here is the "homework" she gave us. On a piece of paper, write out your normal week. label each time period for work, family, spouse, kids, me. Add it up. visually see the imbalance in your weekly schedule. Spouse, kids, & me time should be pretty equal for there to be no resentment from anyone. Now, sit down & do the same for your spouse. visually see the imbalances there. Now here is where it gets tricky cuz I never saw hubby's homework nor he mine, but counselor did state that hubby's #1 behind work was me time & on mine, my me time was dead last. She explained that for me to get more me, would be him taking kids thus reducing his me time, or paying a babysitter, which since we are self employed, would mean more work time to earn money, which would encroach on his me time. She then asked which he preferred? I waited for the big fit or tantrum that happened when I tried to point it out, but not so well, but it never came. He looked straight at me & said he was sorry. He told me that he finally got it & while he hated being proven wrong, he was man enough to admit it. That was about 3 years ago & we routinely do this excercise to help keep us balanced. I hope this helps you & yours. It allows you both to see things logically & not emotionaly and it gives you both room to save face & step up & do your part. best of luck.
First of all, I want to say that you are a very busy family (it sounds like) so I'm not sure that a resolution will be easy.
Second, I understand your husband wanting to have 'as much alone time' as you do because in his eyes, it is fair and YOU get to be home part of the time (although you working, he may be thinking you don't have to commute, etc).
Third, I would tell him that you want to come up with some sort of agreement where everyone wins. If he's not a morning person, you can't force him to be. Just like if you are not a night person, he can't force you to be. Ask him what he'd like to do (sounds like he already told you) and then tell him what you'd like (ie: I'd like for you to be home 3 nights a week with the kids).
Maybe discuss with him the two of you working out together on the weekends 1x and also once a week at night with the kids (going on a walk, bike rides, etc). Explain to him that you are supportive of his healthy lifestyle but you do not want it to negatively impact your children and your relationship.
Explain that it's not feasible for him to not be around for dinner/homework/baths/etc 5 nights a week. Without pointing fingers, explain this is why you work out in the mornings (because you can't just not be around for the kids 5 nights a week).
Maybe explain that you'd be willing to give a little and let him go for an hour every night (or even 1/2 hour) but that you still need your partner to parent in the evenings.
As far as alone time goes, my husband works second shift Mon-Fri so weekends are all we have...and we have from around 11am - 10pm both Sat and Sunday. we make the most of the time together. When the kids go to bed, we don't work on the house or dishes. We watch tv, spend time together, etc. And every few weeks, we go out. Mostly we go out with friends, but that is because we like to combine going out with seeing friends since we don't do much on the weekends. As far as getting along, we do what we can around the house when we aren't together - he starts laundry and I finish the load. If I want him to get something done when he's at home during the day, I leave a note. Sometimes we'll leave each other notes saying how we love each other and can't wait until the weekend.
Good luck! It sounds like you have a great family and I think this can be resolved!
just going off what is being presented, that sounds unbelievably selfish of him. two nights a weeks is being very generous on your end. five nights a week = you're a single mom. i wouldn't be okay with this.
I think you need the book " His Needs, Her Needs". Clearly this is a battle of needs, and if it is not resolved can escalate to a point that is dangerous. I was there once. Almost divorced. Both of us couldn't understand why the other didn't see our point of view and both of us felt the other was being unfair. I was a stay at home mom and he worked- I wanted him to go out on random weeknights and save his weekends for us , because i went out on random weeknights and saved weekends for us. He considered his breakfast out with his buddies as not counting because it was in the mornings but he didnt like me going out in the eves on weeknights with friends.
Dating, vacations, or anything like that won't help much when you have needs issues being unmet. They didn't help us. How can you connect and have intimacy when you have resentment? You can't, so deal with the issues first.
You might be able to find the book in the library. If not, look for it used on Alabris.com or Amazon. Also of great help when we were having 'Needs" battles and things were rocky is:
"If He Only Knew- What No Woman Can Resist" - for him to read.
and for you to read- "Sacred Influence, What A Man Needs From his Wife To Be the Husband She Wants".
Excellent books!!!! And happy to say, 2 years later, with help from these books, and from the Bible and the word of the Lord, Our marriage is healed and GREAT.
Best wishes and prayers for you too,
Gail
If he wants to work out/exercise, and in light of his daily schedule too/work schedule... then realistically, IF he is going to exercise daily, then WHEN is he going to do that, besides after work?
Ultimately, he needs to have time to work out too. And losing weight means exercising everyday. Ideally. So he does want to exercise.. and that's good. But the "timing" for you/the family is not ideal. BUT, with his schedule, that is the only time he can do so.
Meanwhile, YOU exercised and lost weight and had a schedule for yourself to do so... I am assuming with or without his approval or agreement on it. You just did so.
SO I think, for him to have to have "permission" to do HIS exercising... is to him, not fair. Plus he can't change his work schedule to fit him. He has a job... he has a certain time he finishes work daily, plus the commute time etc. And he can't control that. Plus he wants to exercise. When else is he going to do that besides after work weeknights?
So I think he resents that... that he is not "allowed" to do that. Meanwhile, YOU exercise all you want. Not asking him if it is okay, or if he has other plans or wants to do something else together.
Yes, there are family time after work and that is important too. But, at the same time... HE has a need to exercise and lose weight... too. Like you.
Maybe instead of 2 hours, he can do 1 hour? Or maybe he is just doing it because YOU spent a lot of time working out and losing weight... and he resents ALL that time you spent (on yourself)... and that is how a "man" sees things (although it may not be the bigger picture). But those are his feelings and he wants to do it on HIS terms. The way YOU lost weight/exercised is a personal thing. And many times, people don't want to be told how THEY should do it.... if they don't have a say in it, too. I think that's why he says you "don't get it." And I think he feels micromanaged and isf angry about it. It is not that being with the family/kids is an "imposition." It is about you and him.
Sure, you made a lot of sacrifices... downshifting your life for raising the kids. But that is not what a man can necessarily do. Meanwhile, he still works. And besides work, what else does he do for himself??? If exercise is the ONLY thing he does for himself... then he should be able to do that. Perhaps though, adjusting the length of his workouts. AND, he needs to figure into that, time with you too... getting home until 11:00pm, well that is not conducive for anything. And then you will both be 2 ships passing in the night. So tell him that.
But I think, he should be able to exercise... it is good he wants to do that. It is for overall health... and that impacts the family.
So I think his anger stems from him feeling controlled and not able to do what he wants... which is exercising. And, realistically, only exercising when he has time... is like when exactly? Probably never... unless he makes time for it. But when is there time? And at his age... him wanting to improve his health is very important. And it can affect a man's overall attitude toward himself and others.
My Hubby works full time and goes to school and works out. He is busy. But when he gets home from work, he fits in working out. I let him. Not that he has to ask me... but it is something he wants to do, for overall health because it impacts the family. Its important. So he works out for an hour, and he studies... he is constantly busy. Everyday and on weekends. And, he also needs to partake in the kids too, and being a Husband. Its not easy. Just because a Man works outside the home does not mean his life is any easier or less busy than the Mom that is home. They have needs too... and things they want to do. And time for themselves. Which for a guy, is exercising. Working out. It feeds them. But yes... so they don't time manage as well as the Mom... and a woman's telling them what to do with their time, can "seem" like an imposition.... because they probably feel they can't do anything, besides work at their jobs. But being with the kids are paramount too.. so HE has to get it straight in his head... that he HAS TO make time for the kids... he is a Dad... and they need him.
Perhaps, he can work out just by going running during the week nights around your neighborhood. So that he does not have to leave the house/commute to the gym and that takes up more transit time. THEN, on the weekends, he can go to the gym... because on the weekends time constraints/travel time, is not so its not such an "inconvenience" etc.
Compromising.
That is what my hubby does. Then that way, my Hubby CAN exercise after work during the weeknights.. but he is not gone for long. But on weekends, this is when he may actually go to a gym and do a more prolonged workout. That is fair.
Your Husband... HAS TO compromise. That is what it is, to be a Dad and Husband and have a family. He can't just be gone and not present... all the time, on HIS condition only. But, I think he is being stubborn about it, because he feels he is not "allowed" to exercise on his own terms, like you.
Or, how about you BOTH work out together???
And, skiing, hiking IS working out... does he know that? Maybe you can both do that together too.
His irritation and comments to you about working out 6 days a week... is just that. THAT is what he is angry about. HE does not feel it is fair... and that you spend a lot of "me time" away from the family too. So why can't he do the same? And, he probably feels... that YOU don't make time for him either... nor adjust your "morning person" tendencies for his "night-owl" tendencies either. So he probably feels that it is not fair, for you to ask HIM to do all the compromising.
Does HE put time constraints on YOU... for your working out or tell you how to do it or when??
Also, he views your working out, a lot, AS your "me time." Which it is. So asking for MORE "me time"... to him, is not fair. Because he thinks you DO get "me time" all the time. So to him he is getting the short end of the stick. Because you do as you want... and by choice. But he does not. To him.
Anyway, just some ideas,
All the best,
Susan
My husband works a lot of hours during the week. He leaves the house at 3:00 in the morning, gets home roughly at 5:00. He takes a shower, we eat dinner, then he goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:00. So, I see him for about 2 hours a night. After dinner he spends time with the kids so I can clean up the kitchen. Basically, I spend about 30 mins with him. It sucks. We make sure to spend all of our time on the weekends together as a family. If he and I go out to do something alone, we do it in the evenings so that we don't miss too much time with our kids. We really try to make our weekend evenings after the kids are in bed "us" time. We'll have a snack and watch a movie. It's nice. :)
You need to find a middle ground here. He's not budging and neither are you. You need to find some sort of compromise.
To me, it sounds more like resentment than anything else. He is jealous of the fact that you were able to lose so much weight.
It doesn't sound like talking is helping much, but I would let him know your concerns with the affect on your family time. Can he work out at lunch? Maybe make a deal, he can work out (as long as he wants) x days a week, or an hour 5 days a week. The other option would be to let him go every day for the entire time, for maybe two weeks. I'm sure that he will burn out, but then evaluate the time that he has missed from the family. Maybe one week on, one week off? How about he can go for as long as he wants from 8pm on? If he things he needs 2 hours, that would still give him an hour of down time.
Maybe a personal trainer? They would most likely limit the amount of time per day, and encourage better eating habits. Plus, your husband may see it as support of his efforts instead of undermining them. - I know that you aren't, but he probably feels this way.
It sounds like you may have to make the first move if you are going to get past this. He is actually sounding like a teenager trying to push boundaries and curfews. Sometimes it just takes stepping back and letting them learn the lesson themselves.
No O. here can tell you really how to sort this out.
My first thought when I read your post was for YOU to go back to work FT and let HIM work PT and see what he does with ALL THAT ABUNDANT "me time"! I work PT and I know I still don't have very much "me time". I do stuff all the time at times of the day I would rather not, b/c I am taking into account the routine of my family! Hellllllooooo?
It seems to me your husband is feeling resentful and holding on to some anger. You need to find out why. He's acting very selfishly IMO.
You write:
"But he refuses to work out in the early morning (“You know I’m not a morning person”) and the late evening after the kids are in bed (“Then I’d never get to sleep”). Also, he won’t diet (“I refuse to give up chocolate.”) He eats a candy bar (or two) every day and ice cream 3x/week."
That makes me wonder just how long he will stick to working out at the gym 5 evening per week!
My hubby works out O. weekend morning and now want to add 2 more days during the week and I'm fine with that--but he would still get home much earlier than your hubby.
