Husband View on Sex Changed After Baby

Hi S.,

Sorry for your situation, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about! Although sex is only one part of a relationship, it is an important part of a healthy marriage. It is more than just the physical act, but the intimacy that comes with sharing it with your husband. Its a great stress releiever too, and who doesn't need that with kids! I understand that when we become parents, our roles change and spouses start looking at eachother in a whole new light. Giving birth in front of someone sort of takes the mystery out of it all, you know! But that doesn't mean you can't get back to seeing eachother as man and woman, not just mommy and daddy. Your husband has to be willing to work on it though. It sounds like he is making excuses to cover for some other problem he is having. Maybe he is stressed, depressed, having a physical issue? Its hard to say, but most man aren't going to come out and say they have a problem. I would talk with him again. Make sure you are being non-confrontational or making accusations about what he is doing wrong. Make it about you. You are lonely, miss him, really need the release, etc....Stroke his ego a bit, tell him how much you miss him in bed. Maybe even try to spice things up a bit. Get a sitter, get dressed up, and go out for a nice romantic dinner or to an activity he enjoys. If you can afford it, spring for a hotel room. Enjoy a night as husband and wife, and don't talk about the baby! Sometimes people just need a push to get that lovin' feeling back. If nothing works, I would insist on counseling. Maybe he would be more comfortable going by himself, so he doesn't have to sit there while he feels you are attacking him and he is being called a jerk. I wouldn't continue this way for too much longer and let him know it may be a deal breaker for you. Sex is something you only do with your spouse and is an act of love to the other person, it is not a chore. You will wind up unsatisifed and lonely in the marriage if you do nothing. The only other thing I would say, is that don't expect that you will both have the same drives. Sex 2-3 times a month may always be enough for him, while you would like it twice a week. You may have to compromise on frequency,but not on quality! Keep things fun, with whatever you are comfortable doing, and let your husband see you are more than just a wife and mom, but a woman with real needs, sexual and otherwise. Hope this helps a little!

I hope this doesn't sound like I am taking his side, becasue I am not. But if his words were that he doesn;t want some stranger calling him a jerk, maybe he feels like he is being one. Really, he cannot help how he feels. He has probably always seen you as "his" and now he shares you with a child. He sees the relationship has changed dramatically, at least in his eyes. Don;t give up. Keep the lines of communication open and still try to get him to go to counseling. If he won't, go by yourself. Maybe a counselor can help you deal with this and give you some help chaning things. Help you help him get you off the pedestal he has put you on. Go on dates a stuff--without baby. He needs to see you as "his" still and not just as the mommy. Honestly, who really wants to think of their mom having sex.

Here's some resources that might be helpful...

http://www.mothering.com/where-oh-where-has-our-sex-life-...

http://drphil.com/shows/show/1235/

http://drphil.com/articles/article/59

http://drphil.com/articles/article/372

http://drphil.com/articles/article/49/

http://drphil.com/articles/article/80

http://drphil.com/articles/article/10/

Best wishes,
J.

Hi S.,

Well, at least you know you are not alone! Seems clear that your husband is troubled by intimacy -- emotional as well as sexual. I hope you will get counseling, with or without him, first to help yourself and second to show him this is serious. You were already settling for a so-so sex life, and that potential problem has now become reality.

You might have mismatched libidos -- and btw was he thinking of you as some chick he wanted to have sex with before the baby? Anyway, the underlying question is one of love and commitment. If you truly love each other and are committed to staying married, then you can get together on this -- but not if he continues to stonewall. That's where he must give.

Counseling and patience for you, lots of affection for him. Show him you love him without demanding sex -- little kisses, hugs, praise for him with the baby and as a good provider and great guy. But get yourself to counseling too. All the mamas are pulling for you, S.!!!!

Best,
Mama S.
(divorced from my boys' dad but married to my first boyfriend, 37 years later, and the best sex ever!!!)

Been there, know how you feel. You are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Can't give advice because I haven't successfully worked out my own situation.

That man needs a therapist, stat! One, it's passive-aggressive to say "I know I'm such a jerk" and then doing nothing about it. Acknowledgement is only the first step! Two, the whole thing about feeling dirty for having sex with a mother - that man has some serious hang-ups and needs to talk about them with someone who can help. Instead of marriage counseling, might I suggest "daddy" counseling? Adjusting to parenthood is difficult under any circumstance, and some people are more overwhelmed than others in that first year. My own husband's reactions were so off the first couple of months after our twin boys came along that we decided he needed counseling on his own so he could speak freely without worrying about hurting my feelings. He found it extremely helpful.

You both need to go to counseling. You are going to have to demand that he goes. Tell him you refuse to live like this any longer. I think you both have issues about sex & they need to be dealt with. Assure him that counselers never place blame on just one person. You are both at fault & let him know that. From the way your post sounds, you don't really want to have sex either, you just feel like you should since you are married. That is not a healthy way to look at sex.

My granny always said, "when passion flies out the window, you'd better be friends".
I think there may be other issues in the relationship and this is what is being focused on as the issues. Especially when it occured so infrequently before. So why is it so important now?
Focus on becoming a family and quit stressing about this and you might find out that you really like each other and then time will take care of the rest.
If he is respectful and a good provider and you have fun and enjoy each other company otherwise, give the man a break and yourself a break.

S.,
The other responses you've gotten are right on target. You both need to be in counseling, but making the leap to go is a really hard one for some people. It sounds like your husband has a lot of preconceived notions about what it is. Assure him that it isn't about blame, that it's to have a third person who can be objective and supportive of you both. That you're not looking to blame, but to figure out how to be more constructive so you can both get your needs met. It's actually much easier than trying to figure things out on your own, b/c a good therapist will make sure you are both heard and treated with respect. If your husband really won't go, you need to at least go alone. It will help you deal with what is going on so you can take care of yourself, gain important insights and learn new ways to address the issues at home. Whether you deliver an ultimatum or not, therapy for yourself will help you know what you need to do and will support you when you are ready to make whatever changes you feel are necessary. I hope he goes, too, but if not be sure to do this for yourself. Best of luck to you.

I know it seems like forever, but 8 months is really not that long after your baby's birth. For me, things always got better around 12-15 months postpartum. That's about the time that I started to feel like sex was fun again. It sounds like there are some other things too, but I suspect that a bit more time and distance from the birth will help.

As others said, there is kind of a common perception that all husbands are always after their wives for sex, that its the wives who are pushing their husbands away, especially after the baby. A lot of people don't want to admit any other scenario b/c they are afraid of what that would say about them and their marriage. The truth is that this kind of thing happens a lot after a baby. But, you are right to want to address this situation. While I think its normal for a couple's sex life to change after the 1st baby this sounds different to me. It sounds like your husband has some intimacy issues (particularly sexual) that he needs to deal with. You are in a no win situation b/c the more you push, the more he will distance himself from having to confront some of his issues about being dependent and open with you. Men are very sensitive about their sexual attraction and ability. I think maybe he has told you that you are the problem to get you to drop the whole conversation. Having said that, what to do? He and you need counseling but if he won't go you can't make him. If you love him, give him time. Reassure him of your attention w/o bringing up sex. Get a babysitter! Have dates! Don't push on sex at all. Its up to you to know if this is working and how much you are willing to put up with in the no sex department. Welcome to marriage! As you go thru this hard period - take care of yourself, rely on your friends and get yourself some counseling if you can. Good luck!

Wooooh! You are going to get umpteen replies to this one!!!

I think you'll find a wide cross-section of replies, but I think it is a normal transition. We went through this too/are going through this again. I'm sure the LOVE is still there, having children just changes the family dynamics. I can't give you any advice on how to tackle the situation other than to say, yes, most men will not consider counselling either. The only thing I will say is ...some people are all talk! Don't believe that everyone else that has just had a baby is doing it again like rabbits non-stop. This is a myth. You are brave to tackle this question in the open, and hopefully other Moms will be honest and say it's never "quite" the same as pre-baby, but it can gradually become better - otherwise....everyone would be an only child afterall!!
Chin-up. Others might be able to give you more/better advice than me.