Husband's Family

Unfortunately (sometimes) when you marry your husband, you marry his family - good, bad or otherwise. Ignore as much as you can and have him deal with them the rest of the time (like if MIL wants to see your child and you have family time planned - let him tell her it needs to be another time.)

If she or the grandmother criticizes you, maybe kindly let them know that you appreciate their concern. They had a chance to raise their children their way and you're raising your child your way.

I wouldn't worry about the gifts - unless she's complaining about money. People will complain about their finances and then continue to make poor decisions. In my mind, you can't have it both ways - either stop buying the gifts, or buy whatever you want, but don't say another word about your financial situation. And if finances are truely a problem, don't loan her money as it's likely you won't see it again given her circumstances.

This might sound harsh, but without knowing the whole situation, it's just a few suggestions that may or may not work depending on how bad things are. Then again, if you just wanted to vent...I hear and feel for you!! Good luck!

most people feel the same way about their in laws as you do. my husband has 2 brothers and a sister all of them older than he is, so he is the baby. he also has a mom who has 9 siblings so lots and lots of aunts, uncles and even more 1st cousins. they are all "special" in their own way and i try my best to be cordial to each and every one. some of them i genuinely like and some of them are not so easy to get along with. there are lots of pointing fingers when things go wrong or the kids are sick......but i try to take the criticism or "advice" with a grain of salt. my family is not as over bearing but i do have my father who is not so nice to be around....my husband treats him with respect and when he does something thats not to his liking he turns the other cheek and doesn't say a word. i guess my point is this, just because my family is not so open and caring do i love them any less? of course not these are the people i have grown up with that have cared for me when i was sick and will probably do the same for my kids if i absolutely needed them to. so take the good (however small) and the bad and give them the respect you would give your own family....after all they are the ones who raised and cared for the one you love and chose to be with for the rest of your life. and even though they may be a little hard to take at times im sure they mean well......maybe just don't know how to go about it the right way ! hope this helps

M.,

I don't know what I could possibly say to make it easier for you to handle this sticky situation. And most of the time when we (women) are venting we really jsut want somebody to listen anyway :-).

you're not alone, I am in a similar situation, although different, and tailored to my own crazy whacky in-laws. Mine is my SIL - she's such a whack job and nothing I will ever do will please her. Did I mention she's incredibly pretentious? She was talking to my husband about our basement, putting carpet in, she asked wht the square footage was and when he told her she said 'that's not possible! your basement is bigger than mine?!?!) My husband is much closer with his family than I am (my brother still has not seen my soon-to-be 16 month old son, and havent heard from him about my new 2 month old daughter - but it really doesn't bother me). She moved darn near wisconsin... it's almost a 2 hour drive for us - she hasn't been out here since 2004, but complains we never come out to visit her two boys, and what a joke of an uncle my husband is. This caused quite a stir in the family because I can't keep my mouth shut - you insult my husband I'm going to defend him. Anyway, I've learned to cope with her, but my MIL still has her share of digs - though very passive aggressive, and in such a way that my husband cannot see it (she came by one day and I was looking through my recipe book, she gave a little laugh and said 'oh, what? are you gonna COOK?' - like she believes that I am not capable of comparing to her superior culinary skills and her precious baby boy is getting sub-par meals - WHATEVER!)

Now i just distance myself somewhat, and as much as I hate it, I bite my tongue at family functions and put on the fake facade, just like them. I don't recommend trying this if you've had a couple drinks, i know for me, the liquor loosens my tongue way too much!

I remind my husband that he doesn't have to deal with in-laws. I saw my father last in December - for my sons first birthday - didn't even see him on christmas, he sent envelopes with my sister, and a tickle me elmo that is still in the garage getting the cigarette smell off it. my husband and i jokingly call it 'smoke me out elmo'. And since my mother passed away before we were married, he doesn't have a MIL :)

UGH! sometimes I am so thankful my family isn't up my a$$ like his - but unfortunately I still have to deal with them - UGH!!!

So I'm sorry I couldn't give any practical advice, but at least I can empathize - you're not alone!!! :)

hang in there...

Constructive thought: Mom needs something else to keep her occupied. Perhaps a gift certificate for guitar lessons or a botany class and I am not kidding. Since she won't do it herself, perhaps you can distract her a little by helping her to do something enjoyable. You didn't say how old she is, so I am guessing if she has the strength to take care of grandparents and meddle in your life that she might have an ability to do a bunch of other things. Perhaps classes at the Local Y. It sounds like she needs some other things to make her happy. Since you have a family that is more than one you and I often do not understand this woman's involvement in your husband's life. He and you are her family take it or leave it. He wasn't blessed like you with sisters and two parents all the time. I have lots of siblings myself so sometimes what looks like a spoiled person is merely a different way of life not an overprotective mother necessarily. But you might zero in on one of this woman's talents and help her to hone them. And you actually might end up liking her. And sadly enough it sounds like your daughter doesn't resent her so you might send daughter and hubby on some visits with her and you can relax. And just because someone lays a guilt trip on you about everything being your fault here is a little eensy weensy thought I have: You don't have to accept the blame for those things at all even if that's what they say since you and your husband know the truth. And if you have the power to cause germs to get into somebody's system by putting them into daycare where they get sick perhaps you might offer to work for the government so you can help find some cures for some terrible illnesses. Who are these people that spend all this time listening to this stuff anyway? As much as I do not listen myself here is my next bit of advice. Ignore them.

You are not being unreasonable at all. One day a week is fine for her to have a relationship with her grandaughter. Unfortunately, you will be blamed for any bad thing that relates to your entire family in your in-laws eyes. I experience the same thing. My husband has grown up and has decided to make certain decisions in his life that his family does not agree with. So, of course, I am to blame and I basically am turning him against them. When, in actuality, their actions are turning him against them. But, they will never do any wrong. I have come to accept the fact that I am the easy one to blame. I think you should try to not take it personally, because it would be any girl he is married to that they would do this to. You are very patient and understanding from reading your post. If you were a bad parent, you would forbid them to see your grandaughter. But, you haven't. So, you are doing fine. Try to not take it personally. In laws can be a real bear!

They will always need someone to blame so try not to take it personally. Remember that you are a good mother and they are all just different.I think your mother-in -law is trying to move in on your time because she is unhappy where she is. I hope she doesn't try to move in with you. Be prepared! When you need some time with friends or to do errands alone you could suggest that your husband and daughter get together with his mom:)Good luck and hang in there!