Husband Smoking

Consider this, C.: You simply can't know for a fact you will lose your husband young. Many smokers do, somehow, live into old age. You can't know for a fact that if he does stop smoking, he won't get killed young by something else. You can know that you have him in your life right now. Worrying about what might happen next week or in 20 years kills this moment you are living right now, because you're not living it – you're off worrying about a future event that may not come.

Your husband has a very difficult addiction. Most smokers have to quit several times before they figure out how to do it for keeps. If he falls back into the habit because of stress, then knowing you're upset with him, his stress increases. Adding his mother's pressure to the situation would only make it worse.

If he quits because you want him to, he's not quitting for his own reasons, so he is less likely to succeed. I can't tell you not to worry, because obviously smoking is not healthy. But if you can stop catastrophizing the situation, and give him space to bring himself to a place of firm decision, you will probably be helping him far more than any emotional pressures you can possibly bring to bear. I'm sure he already knows a couple of good reasons to quit, and your proposed message won't make that any clearer or more loving. It might work better to simply tell him you trust him to quit when he can, and let him know you'll support him in any way that he finds helpful.

People do quit for good. My mom and grandmother both did, but they both tried again and again. They got a little better at it each time. I wish you all well.

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Sometimes I'd like to take some of the women on this site and bottle them... you know like how you'd love to be able to bottle a child's energy. Ditto Peg & Marda 100%.

I know many many MANY people who quit smoking successfully once they were done with school. I don't know a single undergrad or grad student who has. Midterms roll around, or finals, or a term paper, or orals, or their thesis, or, or, or... and they're smoking again. Some after years of being quit when they go back to school.

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I agree with Peg M. 100%. He's the one who has to figure out how to quit for good. Supporting someone means that you accept them as they are. When you believe in them they're stronger in their belief in themselves.

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I have a best friend that had smoked for over 20 years.. Really bad habit. She has tried many times, with some success..

She sat down to figure out how much it was costing her to continue to smoke. She was appalled at the amount.

She finally had the acupuncture along with the smokers gum.
It worked! It still was not totally easy, but she said she was able to kick it. by all of us helping her to stick with her and encourage her.

We provided...Carrot sticks, pretzel sticks, sodas and coffee.. I am so proud of her. She still can get a craving when she is out partying and drinking.. but in Austin, No smoking is allowed in nightclubs or bars.. It helps..

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Tobacco is a tough one. I smoked for over 13 years. I tried to quit multiple times (and did quit during my pregnancies). It was really hard to stay quit because I was surrounded by smokers in the military (you don't get "breaks" in the military unless you smoke) and all of my in-laws smoke (all day, so if I'm not outside with them I don't see them during their visits and I'M the anti-social one!) Finally I got fed up enough to admit that I needed a little help with quitting, so I talked to my doctor and got a prescription for Chantix. It comes with free live support as well, although I didn't need to use that because the Chantix did the one thing I couldn't do on my own. It broke the nicotine addiction so that my will power could come in to play, even during moments of stress. On Chantix you continue to smoke for the first week while the medicine builds in your system and you're supposed to quit on day 8. I quit on day 6 and barely noticed. I just ran out of cigarettes on that day and forgot to buy more. It didn't hit me what had happened until my planned quit date. My doctor recommended that I continue Chantix for 6-9 months as the studies show that those who did had the highest rates of success.

I hope this helped. It's really a very tough addiction to break and it IS an addiction. With your husband it predates his family so he already has a history of smoking after you formed a family together. To me, this makes it harder to use the family as motivation. Please believe that it has nothing to do with his love for you and your son. You can't attach one to the other and in doing so you may be adding another stressor that's making it harder for him to quit....guilt. Talk to him about going on Chantix if he's serious about quitting and be supportive.

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Yep I agree with everyone here so far. I know how you feel and I wish my husband would quit too. I worry about his health and his dying young. But he will quit when he is ready. I was a smoker too, and it is hard.

Trust me that your husband DOES know you feel, he does know that you know he is smoking again, and he has a powerful reminder of why he should quit everytime he looks at the two of you. You don't need any non-verbal gesture to show him all that.

I agree that if you try your hardest NOT to make him feel guilty, he will have more success when it is time. Don't have a conversation where you end up depressed and guilty feeling. Next time you have a reason to talk about it, I suggest what the Peg said. No pressure, let him know you will support him when he is ready. Maybe tell him about the Chantix- I know a ton of people that has helped. My mom had smoked for about 35 years when she quit with Chantix. You could mention it and say that you have heard of this prescription, and when he is ready he should talk to his doctor about it as a possibility. Tell him to let you know what it is he needs from you. Like should you nag, should you not nag, does he want pictures of lungs pasted on the bathroom mirror, etc. Whatever he feels will help him the most. And then drop it and let him come to you.

Good luck, I hope he is able to quit for good at some point. The others are right, it has nothing to do with you, he loves you and your son, and he wants to be around for you guys forever. He just has to do this when he is ready.

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Well this is coming from an ex smoker. I smoked for 21 years and at the end was smoking 21/2 to 3 packs a day! I quit on my wedding night 14 years ago and haven't put one in my mouth since then.
Everyone smokes for different reasons. Mine was that I some how thought it relaxed me, helped me when I was stressed. My boyfriend did not smoke but loved me enough to still marry me even with my stinky, unhealthy habit. Just like you did, thank God.
He never complained but on our wedding night I was in another room smoking a cigarette while he waited for me in the bedroom. He asked what I was doing. After I answered and a long pause of silenced he sadly replied that he was alone waiting on his bride because she needed a smoke. Ouch. Well after sitting there for a while I realized my need for smoking was a big fat lie. It didn't help me at all with anything. It was killing my health and costs me alot of money. I decided to quit. Thought about taking another puff and changed my mind and crushed it up in the ashtray. Grabbed all my cigarette stuff, including lighters and put them in a trash bag and never looked back.
Bottom line, he has to be the one that wants to stop. He has to be the one that realizes the lie. Yes you can care and share your concerns but your nagging will not help him see that. Now it's more than a nasty habit for him. Now it's kind of a dirty little secret between you two. Not good. And the reason it's like that is because it's more about you and your reaction/feelings than him wanting to quit.
Yes I did quit and the reason I came to the point of even considering it was because my sweetie said something to me about it but the choice was mine to quit. And the reason I considered it was because even though I knew it affected him, he loved me anyway and would go one loving me. I felt like I was in a safe enough place to even consider it all.
You reminding him of the bad thing he is doing is NOT going to get him to quit.
My suggestion? Well I would apologize for nagging to him for all this time, tell him that you love him no matter what and never bring it up again. Give him the real space he needs to make his own decision.
The smallest of hope is still hope.
Best Regards to you,
C.

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My advice to you, is to let him be a grown adult and make his own decisions in life. You knew he was a smoker when you married him, so it's not fair to him, for you to be quietly scolding him for smoking. You also knew he smoked when you chose to make a baby with someone whom you think is going to die young. You say it's not fair to your son, but you agreed to bring him into this world by a man who smokes, didn't you? So, I don't understand why you are so upset? Really, if you are that upset and think he is going to die early, then you probably shouldn't have anymore children with this man. I understand you not wanting him to smoke anymore, but sometimes if we just let a person do what they want, you'll find it's easier for them to quit, since they don't feel like they have to hide it, AND it will be easier for him to talk to you about it. Stop acting like his mother and stop treating him like a child.

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I agree with everyone who has posted here....nagging him or acting disappointed in him will probably NOT help. I have been an on-and-off smoker since I was 13, and it is HARD to quit -- and whenever anyone "scolds" me about it, it just makes me want to smoke more. The only time I have ever been able to quit for any significant length of time (during my pregnancies, and for 4 years after the last one) is when it was MY decision and other people left me completely alone about it. I can second the Chantix recommendation -- it truly does work like magic. I am getting ready to refill my prescription and give it another try. It worked great for me -- I think my problem was that I did not continue taking it for long enough, and I slipped back into the habit.

But, yes, bottom line is that guilt is not going to help, pressure is not going to help, and -- honestly -- your being involved in something that, in the end, is his personal decision is not going to help. Certainly you have the right to set boundaries for yourself (you must brush your teeth first if you want to kiss me, no smoking around the baby, etc.) but not try to control his behavior. As I have pointed out to my daughter (when she nags me to quit)-- nobody is perfect, and I am not either. Everyone has habits they would like to change, and most people are honestly doing the best they can on any given day. As I pointed out to her: "You know I don't like it when you fight with your sister. Well, just stop." And of course she replied that it's just not that easy -- her sister makes her mad, she has bad days, etc. And so I pointed out the correlation. It's easy to tell someone else to "just stop" THEIR bad habits, but when we look upon our own suddenly it's not so cut and dried. Do YOU have any bad habits? Overeating, gossiping, complaining, or anything like that? What if someone told YOU to "just stop." Would you be able to?

I don't mean to sound hard on you, as it is clear that you love and care about your husband and family and just want the best for them. But the older I get, the more I realize how pointless it is to try to change or manipulate anyone's behavior other than my own. You have a right to tell him how you feel ("I worry about your health") and to set your own boundaries and, ultimately, to leave the relationship if you decide you can no longer tolerate smoking and that it's a deal-breaker. But other than that, it's really his business whether he smokes or not, and the best way to help him is to let him know that you love him no matter what and that you support him when he does decide to quit. His feeling "wrong" or "not good enough" is never going to produce lasting change.

My boyfriend had a bad habit that was driving me crazy, and no matter how much I brought it up it never changed. When I started accepting him unconditionally and focusing on the positive things about him instead of focusing on that one thing I hated, the habit gradually disappeared on its own. I have seen that happen over and over with people -- when you fight something you are giving it energy, and it grows ("what you resist, persists"), and when you stop resisting, dynamics change almost as if by magic.

Good luck to you, and to your husband!!

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He should ABSOLUTELY try Chantix. This is the best thing out there IMO. It stops the nicotine from working so when you do have a smoke it gives you nothing but the dirty taste and then you put it out. Have him go on Chantix for several months and he will be cured. Myself, my husband and several other long term smokers I know have stopped with this method.

One thing though-it can make you nauseous so make sure he takes with food.

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oh please don't tell his mom on him. seriously. on top of everything else, infantilizing your husband is not a good way to help him.
everything you're suggesting is negative reinforcement. i would go in the exact opposite direction. remind him how much you love him. cheer him on, make him a special dinner (or a wild night of lovin') if he goes a day (or a week) without tobacco breath, stop confronting him and start having honest loving supportive non-judgemental conversations with him about it.
tobacco is unbelievably hard to give up. be gentle with your husband who is under a crazy amount of stress, including a new baby whose very presence is a constant whiplash to him in addition to the love and wonder, and we all know that new mothers are by nature focused on babies not spouses, so he's adjusting to that too.
my kids begged me to quit. i knew i should quit. it KILLED me when my kids would be sad and hurt and disappointed. but i could not quit until my brain clicked to the place where it was possible. period. and it took years, and backsliding, and cheating, and relapsing. the desire is finally gone and has been for years, and i know finally that i'll never smoke again. but it took so long. may all the gods bless my amazing husband who never ever took me to task for it, even though he quit years before i did and never had a single relapse.
be kind.
khairete
S.

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I just want to add that it is sad that he has to hide it from you. You need to accept and love him for who he is. You can hope and wish that he quits, but you need to tell him (and mean it) that you love him for who he is.

And I agree with everyone else - no quiet resentment or scolding him, even in your mind, is going to help. For your own peace of mind and for your marriage, just accept him. You have weaknesses that probably bother him, too.

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Since you know he does it when he is stressed the best thing you can do, is to talk to him about other outlets he can take when he feels stressed out. Going for a walk/run, heading to a gym. Playing video games. If between the 2 of you, you can come up with other outlets, you can encourage him that way when he is feeling stressed.

It sounds like he isn't proud that he is a smoker since he hides it, and it sounds like he needs some help in getting over the bump in the road. It has to be his decision, but the best thing if for you to support him. And really encourage the other outlets for the stress.

if you have the conversation you can let him know that though you dont' like it you understand why he is smoking now. you can tell him your fears, but make sure he realizes that you want to support him in HIS decision.

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After many years trying over and ove to quit my pack-a-day habit, I eventually had success using the nicotine patch and substituting exercise for cigarettes. I went on MANY a long walk and actually ended up losing weight that summer, rather than gaining it (most people do gain 5-10# when they quit). Maybe your husband can take long walks with your baby... something about the release of endorphins that comes with exercise makes a huge difference. It will also help him w/ the cognitive "haze" that people sometimes feel when they quit smoking, and if he's in grad school, mental clarity is a must. I used to be able to write 10 page papers in 3 hours while chain smoking. No longer, but I did finally learn to focus again... it just takes longer to produce.
Be kind to him... quitting smoking was the hardest thing I ever did, harder than labor! But it's been 13 years since I had a cigarette! And your husband has good motivation (his family!)

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peer pressuring him is not going to make him quit. he has tried. I am a smoker and have tried several times and am trying again. HOw long can he quit before he starts again? mine is always the 30 day mark. Where does he cave??? What makes him cave??? instead of punishing him ask him these questions. Stop nagging and support him. We can't just quit cause you say too. As far as him dying and this is going to sound cold he could die in acar wreck tommarow.

what you are contemplating the baby with the cigarrete logo isn't going to take away the addiction its just going to piss him off cause you are nagging again. This is rude but is your nagging the stress that is causing him to smoke??? think about it. you nag he smokes and you nag some more his escape is to smoke. NO matter how hard you try YOU CANNOT PEER PRESSURE HIM INTO QUITING. which is what you are trying to do.

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i quit. and it took me several years and many false starts. if the desire is there, all you can do is support him and not judge and let him deal with it. don't let him smoke around the baby or you, of course. he knows you don't approve. obviously he is trying to quit, too. just try to be supportive and love him and understand that he is human. no matter how much you may want a thing, sometimes it just takes the right combination of willpower, luck, and a period of relative calm in his life. of course, i'm not saying accept it. let him know you aren't and will never be happy with it. but in the end it has to be HIM. i never used chantix or a patch or anything, but just in my experience, i never wanted to be a long-term smoker, so i always knew in the back of my mind that i wouldn't do it forever. when he is ready he will quit. i will be a year in june :) hang in there!

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He has to want to quit. Then tell him, not to hid it from you but to call you or talk to you when he wants one. Talk about why. Suggest going for a walk instead of smoking, suggest a sucker or a piece of gum. As hard as it is, discuss other options instead of a cigarette. I know how stress can make you want a smoke, as I am a smoker and trying to quit. The Bonnie hunt show had a guy on who helped people train themselves to feel less jittery etc for a cigarette. maybe going to a hypnotist could help. Encouragement, and replace the smoking with good habits. Sit down and discuss why he wants to quit and why he doesn't? Work together as a team, as it can be frustrating but try to keep the communication open with out attitude to what he is doing. If you break a piece of china from your china cabinet, dont destroy the whole set, just start again. It is very had to quit and stay quit. I know this from experience. Positive encouragement works better than negative attitude. Also, if you see or know somone who has the bad effect on somking (someone sick with cancer or needs oxygen to breath from years of smoking) it might help. And have him visualize this when he wants one.

Good luck.

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Don't do anything to make him feel more guilty, it will not work. The big question is: does he really want to quit? If he does, then help by supporting him in a postive way. Most smokers will relapse. When you smell the cigs on his breath, the best thing to do is confront him right away. He may have had a relapse and ignoring it only allows him to go back to old habits. You didn't mention if he is trying any thing to help him (gum, lozenges, etc.) Chantix and Wellbutrin help great (there are restrictions and side effects) and some insurances are now paying for them.

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He knows that you want him to quit and he wants to too. He's ashamed of the fact that it's too hard for him to quit. I smoked for 10 years and finally quit because I wanted to bad enough and have never started again.

Sending him messages every few months and trying to guilt him into quitting will not help. For now you need to accept that he smokes and that it is his problem and choice that he has made.

I think it would be healthier for you to ask him not to hid his smoking from you because you can tell any way because it smells when you kiss him. Ask him to deal with cleaning his mouth so you don't have to kiss someone who's mouth smells awful. Hopefully he will decide to quit for good and then you can support him and help him when he has made that decision.

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Since he is in school can he use student medical services to see what kind of low-cost/no-cost options they can offer him? It may take a combo of desire, medication, maybe even therapy to help him change how he deal with stressors in his life.

And since you do have a new baby, he needs to wash his hands, face and change his clothes when he gets home BEFORE he holds the baby. I was just reading about the dangers of 3rd hand smoke, especially to the little ones.

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I quit smoking at age 25. Motivation is the key. I went cold turkey because the 3 packs per day habit prevented me from having the money to get a university education. I have the degrees to prove I made it.
And, then there is the statistic that smoker married to non-smokers are more likely to get divorced than two non smokers or two smokers.

Second hand smoke kills the non smoker. My youngest brother is a very sick man because my parents consumed five packs a day between them. I had asthma but a homeopathic doctor of great skill cured me.

My husband and I quit cold turkey on the same day 15 years ago, and haven't gone back to it. It is REALLY difficult to quit. Encourage your husband to keep trying - even quitting for small periods of time. The more he quits, even if it's temporary, it's one step closer to quitting for good. It takes practice. My husband and I quit without the patches or anything. I think that's the best way. I've known people who were addicted to the PATCHES! of all things. Also, encourage him to cut down. I was down to 1/3 pack a day when I quit.

Keep encouraging him, but don't be discouraged if he starts up again. Maybe you can plan for yourselves, if he is quit for 1 year the reward is a vacation somewhere! Make it positive. Being angry with him for starting up again will only make trying again harder because he won't want to disappoint you. Again, I can't emphasize enough - HE HAS TO PRACTICE QUITTING! AND you have to lower your consumption of cigarettes gradually before you quit. Nicotine is VERY addictive.

Keep encouraging him and make it a happy time when he is attempting to quit - because smokers quitting get VERY GROUCHY - speaking for myself. I can't emphasize enough to encourage him, but don't be upset if he falls back.

He knows you know, and nagging him (yes, it is nagging) isn't going to make him quit.

I'd sit him down and tell him that you've accepted that he's an adult and can do whatever he wants. Tell him you're sad that he doesn't take care of himself, and that this will likely take him away from you and your child sooner than you'd like. I would, however, tell him you draw the line at smoking in the presence of your child, and that you will not tolerate that. If his smoker's breath really bothers you, you can also tell him you're choosing not to kiss him if you can taste cigarettes.

This is putting the power in his hands, which is where it needs to be if he's ever going to be successful in quitting. Don't talk about it again, but make sure you follow through with whatever consequences you've chosen to give him.

My dad was a smoker. He quit when I was about 4 and my sister was about 8. He quit cold turkey and while I'm sure it was hard on him, it was the best thing he could do. He's in his mid 60's now and I think his dad died younger than he is now of lung cancer.

From a child's perspective, I learned that my dad loves me and will move heaven and hell to do what is right for his kids and protect them at any cost to himself. I know that it was hard for him, but I'm forever grateful.

If your husband knows it intellectually, the problem now is the physical withdrawl and the stressors in life. A therapist can probably help him with both of those more than anything else.

Good luck to you and your little boy.

Addictions don't end because of graphic imagery. As a smoker, I know quitting will happen when I am ready for it to happen. With him, the same way. Quitting when under a lot of stress can be more difficult than you can imagine. My own OBGYN suggested that I NOT completely quit smoking when I was pregnant. I had a high-stress pregnancy anyway and that would have added to it exponentially. He's going to school, working, and taking care of his family when he can...how is giving him something to make him feel worse going to help that? As a smoker I can tell you that it would break my heart if someone were to insinuate that I might be trying to harm my child. I am a smoker and I do not smoke around my children for the most part. They know I smoke, but we only smoke in one room of the house that they are rarely in (and we don't smoke when they are) or we are outside. That's what we do. Its not for everyone. Anyway, I think its admirable that he wants to quit..but he has to do it..not you. Since you are not addicted to them you can not empathize with someone who is and that is normal. You do not have to feel bad about that. What you do have to feel bad about is that you feel bad...if you feel bad about what you are doing than you need to stop doing it. He doesn't feel bad about his smoking..you do. He doesn't feel bad until you make him feel bad about it...or maybe he does..but it is an addiction and it will take time. Some people smoke for 20 years trying to quit. Step back and decide which you love more..him..smoke or no..or him stressed, snapping at you and baby, gaining weight, etc. The medications available have horrible side effects (like possibly making you suicidal..which could happen to someone under a lot of stress). I agree with the picture being a bad idea..he could take it that you are trying to say that you think he is choosing cigarettes over her..or worse that he is harming her. He's not harming her if he smokes outside. Buy a bag of certs and leave them where he smokes. Ask him to eat them when he comes in...(Altoids work even better..the cinnamon kind) for eliminating odors. I smoked from the age of 14 while living in my parents house..I know how to get rid of smoke smell on the breath...hehehe..whether you approve or not..it does work. You are offended by the smoke, and he tries to keep it away from you from what you've written..at least he cares that much! If his worse flaw is that he smokes.....and that he hasn't successfully kicked it yet..I think your troubles are pretty minor. Encourage healthier eating and exercise. When was the last time YOU got on a bike? I walk three miles a day and smoke a pack a day and I am pretty healthy save for allergies to almost everything BUT cigarette smoke. Really..why make him hide it? A problem drinker brings it home eventually..but a problem smoker eventually takes it outside at the very least...seems to me he did that much..start by appreciating what efforts he does make!

I understand your situation! Addictions of any kind are tough to deal with. I am the wife of a man with addictions that drive me crazy. We have been together for 26 years and he still hasn't quit. So obviously no success here. I just wanted you to know someone else has been there. I've been through the nagging, the gentle reminders, the fights, the letters, the ultimatums, the urge to talk to his mom, the consideration of divorce, to now just putting up with it. And yes he tries to hide it, but I can tell. (Does he think I'm stupid or something?) And yes I've heard the "You knew he did that when you married him" speech. (My goal wasn't to mold him into a "perfect man". I just thought he'd grow up when he had a family and responsibilities.) I can't stand being around him when he succumbs to his addictions, but I can't make him stop. I read through the posts hoping for some advice of my own. But didn't really come out with anything. I do like your idea about a card with a picture of your baby on one side and a picture of a cigarette on the other side. But don't secretly slip it to him, talk to him about it so he can decide if he wants it or not. Bottom line, he will never quit until he wants to and nothing you say or do will change that. But how the two of you react will effect your relationship. I love my husband and he has many good qualities. But he knows how I feel and I know what he does. It puts a strain on our relationship, but there is nothing I can do about his habits. Again, I just wanted you to know there are others out there. Maybe someone should start a support group for "Spouses of adults with addictions".

Smoking is so hard to give up, and even now after being a non smoker for 4 years I still get cravings. Sometimes it does not matter how good of a reason you have to stop, the need is just so strong. I remember every time I tried to quit my head felt like it was full of cotton and I would get so tense I would cry for no reason, than I would smoke again and feel normal again. I smoked while I was pregnant with my first child, thank goodness it did him no harm, but it could have and I still feel guilty about that. One thing that did help with the withdrawal symptoms was a medication they gave me, although I do not remember the name of it. Has he checked into a smoking cessation class? In the end, it has to be when he is ready, because no other reason will ever force it.

As a former smoker, I understand your husbands struggle. I quit three years ago, and STILL think about cigarettes sometimes. There are days where I think "I'd give anything for a hit or two" although Im sure at thispoint, it would make me sick! But I still can't shake that desire sometimes. And when I smell it on other people, it really grosses me out. But obviously for whatever reason, my mind still associates a cigarette with stress relief. Which is just silly I know, but I can't help it. Anyone who has smoked any length of time can tell what a battle it is. And for some it's worse. Your husband may have some anxiety issues too. What I would do is talk to him and just say that you aren't looking to nag him. You just love him and want to keep him around as long as possible. Tell him that you want to do whatever it takes to help him kick this habit, and that it won't be easy but it's worth it to keep him around for you and your child. I quit when I got pregnant, so basically it was a no brainer for me. But when my husband quit obviously he needed more help. He used the patch and welbutrin. It took a few months, but he's been smoke free for 3 years too. Don't give up on him. Don't feel like a nag. You love him, you're just trying to keep him alive. As well as set a good example for your child. GOOD LUCK!!! And you have every right to talk to him, he's your husband!

I agree that he has to want to quit and that is really hard for you to watch when he just isn't there mentally. I also agree that he should try Chantix. I know it worked for a bunch of people...BUT he also has to want it to work. My dad took it and didn't really want to commit to it and was scared to actually stop smoking so he never stopped, but it has a huge success rate. My husband used to chew tobacco and he eventually stopped but still chews quite a bit of nicotine gum. I don't know if he's ever tried that, and although it still isn't good, it's better than the tobacoo. I am really against it, actually, but it's one of those lesser of two evils things.

As far as the picture/logo idea, I wouldn't do it! It totally sounds like something I would come up with, though! ;) It sounds good and non-confrontational now, but really it's kind of passive agressive and will probably end in an argument. As silly as it sounds, maybe you should write him a note or an email and explain that you're writing to him because you didn't want to fight, but felt that you had to address the situation. Tell him you heard about Chantix (or whatever) and ask if he might be interested in trying it. Let him come to you and discuss it.

I am the wife of an ex-smoker and ex-dipper. He has had several relapses, but none since our child has been born. I have also dated a guy who decided to quit smoking while we were dating. So when my husband first decided he was ready to quit, I had some experience. One ground rule we had was complete honesty. I told him that most people trying to quit have at least a couple relapses before they have permanent sucess, and I never wanted my husband to feel the need to hide the fact from me, because marriage is about supporting eachother through rough times as well as having good times together. The first day he came home smelling of smoke and didn't say anything to me about it, I looked at him and said "rough day?" He gave me a funny look and I just said "well, i figured you must have had a stressful day if you decided to smoke" We were then able to have an open dialog about it and he has never tried to hide it from me since then.

The main thing I told my husband was that he is a grown up and he can smoke if he wants too. But I love him and I want to be together forever, and forever tends to be pretty short for people who don't take care of themselves. Also, we all have flaws, so I enlisted his help in dealing with some of my poor health habits like eating sweets when I am stressed out because that took some pressure off of him - sure I've never smoked but I have my own issues to deal with. It is important to be a team - make it about helping eachother through the stressful times with out turning to unhealthy means.

Also look into starting some family habits that ease stress - like going for a walk after dinner as a family.

Good luck!!

I recently read a book that I would highly recommend given your situation. It is called "Change or Die" and describes how to movitate both yourself and others to make a lasting and substainal life change. Typically people use 3 methods to make a change happen: fear, facts, and force. These are ineffective at creating lasting change. As you will read, one of the best things you can do to help a person change is believe they CAN and WILL change. This faith in them is powerful. I hope you read the book and find all the tactics described useful (there is far too much for me to write here). Best of luck to you and your husband!

Make no mistake - he knows exactly how you feel and he knows you know. As an ex-smoker myself, though, I can tell you that only he can quit when he's ready to give it up for good. I quit years ago somewhere at the top of a mountain in Nepal because I was tired of having smoking slow me down and my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) hated it. He encouraged me to stop smoking, but I needed something else to fill in and keep me motivated. Hiking in Nepal was perfect, because you need strong lungs! Not everyone has that great motivator, though, but I think if you can encourage him to find something else to do to take the stress away then that will ease his tension and help him from going back to smoking. I quit a few times before I quit for good and one of the ways I quit was by eating sunflower seeds whenever I felt like smoking (I needed something to do with my hands!). The hardest time for me was having a drink because I really enjoyed smoking with it. I never told myself "this is your last cigarette", but I do remember trying to set small personal goals (how long can I go at the pub without smoking, how many hours from the time I wake up before I have a cigarette). These times got longer and longer until I no longer needed to smoke and one day I found myself not buying any and suddenly I was a non-smoker. I have not smoked in 9 years and wouldn't dream of going back to it. I wasn't a super heavy smoker (about a half a pack a day and sometimes less) and it sounds like your husband is about the same. Maybe he can jog around the block every time he feels stressed and wants a cigarette - or maybe he can drink a glass of water, eat a handful of sunflower seeds, whatever. He needs to find something else to take away the stress - something healthier. And he needs to be ready to quit, unfortunately. On the upside, though, I know lots of ex-smokers who never went back so just be there for him! I would definitely have a conversation about it - tell him exactly how you feel and that you know when he goes back to it - and then leave it at that, leave it up to him.

Try to find where he hides his cigs, take the pack and set it on the kitchen table. That way he will know that you know, and you don't have to say anything.

Another thing that could help is if you tape a picture of your baby to every pack of cigs of his you find and then put them back where he had them. Then we goes to get one... Ya.

My husband quit it cold turkey. That's pure will and not many have it. Most people would need a positive, dominant emotional motive to be able to quit a bad habit. In other words, you replace one attachment (smoking) with another (the motive). But they will also need the courage to acknowledge what they are doing wrong and that something must be done about it. They must also feel that that is more important than overcoming the more immediate problem (stress).

See, my husband quit smoking. My father has not. My dad doesn't handle pressure and stress like my hubby can. He doesn't have as much discipline either.

I've heard of those "quit smoking" patches and all, but don't know anyone who has tried it. In my experience, if someone wills it strongly enough, they can break any bad habit. I pray one day soon, your husband will find the will and courage to do the same. That idea of the baby picture may work or it may not. It depends on his personality, and you know that best.

Good luck and God bless you for being a caring wife and mom.

As a former smoker, all I can say is that HE has to want to quit for him to be able to. I quit three years ago. It took me two years to talk myself into it. I wanted to quit, but the addiction to it kept me from it. I was not a heavy smoker, but still it was my vice. I used patches, and it only took a few weeks. There are new ways he can quit now, I would suggest he go to your doctor to see if any of these will work for him. I don't miss smoking anymore, but know it would take just one cigarette to start all over again. I wish him good luck, and again he has to be the one to want to quit.

my 45 yr old hub smoked since about 15, tried everything to quit. stumbled on e-cigs and hasn't had a reg. cig since. still get the nic. but none of the other chemicals--then you can step down the nicotine over time. lots of info online about it :)

I would say the picture idea is good. But tape it to your bathroom mirror so he gets reminded. Do you/him prepare healthy meals at home? I would say that is also key, it will give him more energy. I think you should also change your attitude about 'losing him young'. That is terrible!!! I hope he has never heard you utter that. That would be enough to send me down in the dumps too. Just be positive to him and let him know how much you love him and need him to be around for you and the kids. Ask him to replace his cigarettes with something else, such as exercise, and you go with him. Then you both may have a more positive attitude!!