Hubby Miserable in Chosen Career...

I worked in a job I hated for 23 years so I could take care of my family financially. I liked the job for the first year or so then wished I had a different job. As it turned out If I had changed jobs when I wanted to, I would have taken a pay cut too, but over the years would probably have done very well later on and would have had a much better retirement.

I was really good at my job (I made #1 in the nation), but the pay stayed stagnant for years and years.

I joined law enforcement at age 53, almost 54. If he is 36 and can pass the physical and mental requirements I would suggest he go for it. Many jobs in law enforcement have NO overtime, BUT many jobs in law enforcement have LOTS of overtime. He can research what the job he wants has. If it has lots of overtime, then he can make up for some of the lowered salary with overtime.

HOWEVER, You say you think he is "being extremely selfish" to want to be in a job he likes. Why should he be miserable so your kids that "are given waayyyy too much and appreciate NOTHING" can have things they feel "entitled" to? You have said right here you want your kids to grow up not appreciating the things you couldn't have and its ok for your husband to be miserable so your kids can have stuff and things they don't appreciate. WRONG< WRONG< WRONG ! ! !

It appears there are selfish and self-centered people in your house. FIVE of them. And none of them are your husband.

Your husband was there before the kids. He will be there after the kids have grown up and gone. Your first priority should be your husband. His first priority should be you. You should be more focused on your husband instead of your children that don't appreciate what you are doing for them and what you have already done for them.

You are apparently trying to raise brats. Change things around so that you are raising children that appreciate the things you and your husband provide for them.

Learn to be frugal. Give up the filet mignon and rib eyes and be happy with sirloin. Give up the organic chicken breast filets and buy bone-in, skin on chicken breasts. Learn to shop the sales at grocery stores. Learn to cook from scratch. The USDA says the AVERAGE family spends $25 per person per week on groceries. How are you doing?

I'm NOT attacking you. I think you have an wonderful opportunity to support your husband. I hope you take it.

ADDED: I hope you didn't miss the part where I said, "Your first priority should be your husband. His first priority should be you. " Some of my critics apparently did.

Good luck to you and yours.

4 moms found this helpful

You and hubs need to sit down and carefully go over a budget and what could be cut and factor in the cost of living where you would be moving. Do they not have any gymnastics or extra-curricular activities where you would be going? It's very important to me as well to give my kids the opportunity to be involved in extra sports, clubs and activities, but look at it carefully. Many programs like the YMCA have GREAT kids teams that are very inexpensive (or sometimes subsidized and free). Your two youngest really have no need for any extra-curricular activities. City parks, hikes in the woods, hooking up with an area playgroup -that's all they need.

Is your daughter REALLY into gymnastics? Does she live and breathe it? If not, you may want to suggest trying something else. And like I said -are you sure there would be no gymnastics where you moved? Is she on track to go to the Olympics or do this competitively for the next 10 years and get a scholarship? It really may not be the end of the world for her to quit or cut back on gymnastics. She is only 8, and it's not like you're telling a 9th grader who is shooting to get that scholarship or has a chance at Olympic trials that she suddenly has to give it all up.

Birthday parties don't have to cost a fortune! People over-schedule kids at parties. I've had numerous parties here at our house and we only had some snacks, cake, ice cream and the "theme" plates and stuff. The kids just ran around and played and LOVED it! I've had kids on several occasions tell me the parties were the best they'd ever been to (probably because they weren't made to watch a performance, do a craft or anything -they just had freedom to play). Last Sunday we had my 3 year old's party at a nice local park and invited his preschool class. There were about 18 kids having the time of their little lives and we had cupcakes (I made), a few snacks, drinks and the theme party ware. It cost about $70 total.

As far as clothes -we can afford really nice clothes for our kids, and in my opinion, we DO get them really nice and cute clothes, but they're from outlets, super-sales, consignment sales/stores and swaps and hand-me-downs from friends. Again -your 8 year old daughter may be moving into the years of "must-have clothing" -but your others shouldn't be there yet. Cut other areas of your budget if you feel like they have to have certain brands of shoes or jeans or something. Check into the new town's school system to see if they require uniforms and if so, if it's just a certain style and color of tops and bottoms. If so, you will save tons of $$$ on clothes! If they have to come from a special uniform shop -probably not.

Each kid with a personal bedroom -not needed. My boys have their own rooms and we're putting them in one room this Christmas and turning the other into a play room/study area because they wind up in the same bed every night anyway and want to room together. Millions of children have grown up sharing a room, so it will be okay and help prepare them for college and roommate living on into their 20s.

And you're right about childcare and afterschool care costs for 4 kids. I only have two, but I do work full-time and so does my husband and my kids go to lots of activities, have birthday parties, attend parties, etc. They're not shorted on anything like that at all! Most of the parents I know work full-time and their kids aren't missing out either. Starting in kindergarten, the kids will be in afterschool care, and there are usually several extra-curricular activities offered for very low cost (or free). I don't know what your career and educational backgrounds are, but start sniffing around -especially if you haven't worked outside the home in awhile. You may be able to take something part-time that would only break even for you, but at least once the youngest is in school, you'll be set to get a job that will bring extra income.

I don't blame you for feeling ill toward your husband. Talk to him about several things -how long has he felt this way? Has something happened on this particular job to turn him sour? What about the same job/field at a different company? He does have to take into account the happiness of his family. Has he truly thought about what it will mean to cut the income so drastically AND move? Does he realize how much HE may need to give up (cable or satellite tv, nights with the boys, any extra stuff he likes such as video games or being on a softball team or woodworking -that type of thing)? Take a pen and paper and REALLY spell out everything. You may be surprised where you can cut lots of costs, but if it's really just not going to work, he's going to have to find some other solution. And another thing he needs to consider -if he's going to become a police officer (you just said law enforcement, so I don't know) -he will spend some time at the beginning on the worse shifts (nights, weekends, holidays). Is that going to work for your family? Just try to stay calm and not let discussion dissolve into fights. It may help to see a counselor together just to talk through this chapter in your lives so you don't start fighting about it constantly. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

Hmm...my husband was in a similiar situation about 2 years ago - he'd been in his field for 15 years and while he loved the work the environment was incredibly toxic and was literally destroying him and ruining our marriage in the process. We all felt trapped - he made really good money and we'd gotten used to the lifestyle. I ended up getting preg with our second - and joined a water aerobics class. There I met another mom - we became friends - and after talking for a few weeks realized her husband and mine had a lot in common - especially career wise - and he ended up hiring my husband for a job at his company. Net net - put out into the universe what you are seeking - be open to any potential opportunties - and wait. Sometimes you get exactly what you need at just the right time if you are open to receiving it...good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

We give our kids so much these days I think we are losing sight of what is important. Do you think your kids will be scarred for life if they have to share a room? Do you remember that you became great adults without having all the bells and whistles that kids have today?

I am not saying you are being selfish I just wonder if you lost sight of what is really important. One member of the family shouldn't be miserable just so everyone else has everything they want.

3 moms found this helpful

You know, we actually are going through something similar to you except for us it's to get him OUT of law enforcement. We're at a standstill right now with the whole thing, but I can tell you absolute certainty that given the way this job has affected him personally I would happily give up any sort of physical "stuff" (assuming we can afford a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothing, you know, the norm) to ensure he's happy & satisfied with his career.

For me, my job is not satisfying, but it's also not really that important to me to be honest. I work to help support my family & our lives, I don't live for my work. Not everyone is like that though & in my experience, more so for men, their jobs are their lives. I do not think you being upset is wrong, but I also do not think he's being extremely selfish. As long as your family is taken care of (and that is an absolute possiblity on a cop's salary if you're able to budget) and he's coming home happy every day in my mind that completely outweighs having a bunch of uneccesary extras & him being miserable.

2 moms found this helpful

I read through the responses and I have to say that I completely disagree with 8kidsdad that you are selfish!!!! I understand that you desire security and that doesn't make you selfish! I understand that you want to stay home with your young children, and that doesn't make you selfish!

We all have to do things we don't like to do for the good of our families. Your husband is no exception. Guess what? I have to do things every day that I don't enjoy, but they benefit my family. I can either be miserable or not. It's your husband's choice to be miserable or not. I am choosing to be happy and do a good job even though it's a LOT of work and stress for me.

You and your husband need to talk this out for a few months and not make any hasty decisions. A career change will affect the whole family and he needs to carefully consider that he MAY be miserable in law enforcement too.
It's funny that people don't think your husband should be unhappy in his job, but they are completely willing to tell you that you had better do what it takes to make HIM happy, even if you are miserable. It's a double standard!!!!! You and your husband are a team and need to share the joys as well as the burdens of being adults and raising a family.

I wish you peace in what you and your husband decide!

Edit* Yes, I was critical of 8kidsdad's post and I did NOT miss the part where he said that your husband's priority should be you, but that was overshadowed by the part where he called you and your young children selfish, accused you of raising brats, assumed that you spend your money foolishly and excessively and, in writing that,essentially removed responsibility from your husband and put it on you.
Husbands and wives should not only consider themselves, either. We have a responsibility to foster the abilities of our children too. Since your daughter is a talented gymnast, you are right to take into consideration that she would be cut off from Olympic contention if you had a significant income reduction.

2 moms found this helpful

Two years ago, I quit my job to go back to school to get ready for medical school.

I'm back at work now.

It's not because I don't want to follow my dreams to be a doctor anymore, it's because my kids are (nearly) 9 and 10...and I was not able to be a good parent to them while I was in school. I had no time for them and no money.

I realized that I can chase wild goose for the rest of my life...but I CAN'T get my kids' childhood back.

So until my kids graduate and get into college, I am Mom first and foremost. Because I want to build memories for them while they're under my roof.

What I'm inferring here is not that your hubby CAN'T follow his dreams, but that he needs to find a way to do it that does not create chaos in your home for your kids. "Stuff" isn't necessary for happiness, but BEING THERE is.

Best of luck!

2 moms found this helpful

So tough! I don't know if there's a way a change of jobs or a slightly different focus within his profession could help make him happier? I do think law enforcement people usually start much younger bc they start with such low pay, so that by the time a man would be your husband's age he'd be able to support a family of 6!

I'm so sorry I don't have a good answer for you.

I definitely would want him to be happy. We spend most of our lives at work...if you didn't like being a SAHM, I would want you to get a job. I do think it is a very difficult decision and needs a good plan.

Maybe you and he could get a sitter for a weekend and go away and really just talk about it and look at all the possible options out there? Sorry I can't be more helpful. This is a tough one!

I also grew up with no money for any extras. We had a small 800 sf apartment (co-op - since you're from Jersey you know what that is!) and it was 3 kids. We had food on the table, clothes and Christmas presents. Don't get me wrong, it is not a Dickens novel. But we had NO MONEY for extra curricular lessons unless they were free. I wanted acting lessons and singing lessons and dance lessons and could never afford these.

It is a regret of mine. I do understand some kids get way too much but I do not get from your post that you're a big Joneser. You have a happy family. You are settled in your community and your daughter is really good at her sport. Good for you - you should not have to give up everything.

Then hubby will be happy in his career while you and the 4 kids suffer. Not cool. Has to be the best decision for the 6 of you.

Good luck, I feel for you. I would love to know what happens!

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with Jennifer. Propose a plan. Men like a plan, and if he has that bit to hold onto, it might make his current situation something he can deal with. The kids going to school probably won't matter unless you are going to work, but maybe he can keep looking, and you can do something maybe part time at home!!

1 mom found this helpful

I would suggest a Five year plan. That in that time once the kids are fully in school and you could work without paying for childcare. Pending you do not have anymore children. This should give him some hope for the future. Like you said, you did not plan this life alone. But, I will discuss maybe an option like this. He could at least give you that.

1 mom found this helpful

It should be a no brainer. Hubby needs to be happy to be healthy. Your kids are to young for it to impact them the way you think it will. It will however impact on you. You need to step upto the plate and make the healthy decision for your family. Not the selfish one.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a friend that was an attorney. Made amazing money, was working for an exciting firm met, famous people.. But he became very dissatisfied by the people he was always around. He wanted to do something to help people that needed help.

So he started working for the State. Still made enough money to support his family. Then decided he wanted to do something to help the environment, so moved to that area of law..
He admits it is still law and he is "over it". He likes the benefits, the security.

So he bought into a Yoga Studio! He loves it. Completely different. But he loves the people and doing something physical instead of sitting at a desk in an office all day long. So he does both..

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think that anyone should be working a job day in and day out that makes them miserable. And if you keep putting money and having a nice lifestyle over his happiness, he may start resenting you (and your family) for tying him to a profession he hates.

But you are also right, you do have a family and both of you have an obligation to your kids to provide for them.

Talk about how you could make it work. I don't think it would be out of line to make some sacrifices (not even your kids, making sacrifices is an important lesson to learn) like scaling back on an expensive sports program, or scaling down from a large home, moving to a less expensive town... as long as you can still provide for their basic needs.
Talk about the timeline. He is going to have to find out how he can change careers first, what are the requirements. Then you should save up a REALLY good chunk of money (cover your fixed expenses for a year) for the next couple of years. In say three years, your youngest it old enough for pre-school, the two year old will be in school and you can go back to work...

I went back to work (would have MUCH preferred to be a SAHM) after DD was born to allow DH to go back to school and switch careers. It was two years of really scaling down our expenses and pinching pennies , but we are better of for it today.

1 mom found this helpful

Call me crazy, but nothing you have said the kids have seem out of line to me. They were all key for me as well but my daughter is the most appreciative person on the planet. Really, at 18 she is just an amazing person.

I think hubby needs to figure out how to make this work and be happy supporting his family, he can't (shouldn't, I couldn't) change the plans this far in to it. Really, starting into law enforcement at 36?? Aghh...the competition with 21 year olds that don't have a wife and four kids.

1 mom found this helpful

I haven't read the rest of the posts so bear w/ me if I repeat.....we've struggled w/ this issue from both sides so I really get it. Sometimes the name of the game is "plan & compromise" My hubby is the major bread winner, like you, my day job was at best enough to pay for day care & frankly, I hated it! But my chosen career is as a musician so now I'm a mostly sahm with a part-time church singing gig & free-lance as much as possible & I'm hoping to expand on that a bit more in a year or so when DD is old enough for more preschool programs (I also teach privately). I work mostly when my hubby is home but we have formed a network of freebie sitters & family as we can only afford pay sitters if absolutely necessary. (we try to reserve that for date nights, I hate to spend $ to make $, makes me crazy!) We don't have a lot of family in the area so I trade a lot w/ other mommies 7 have lots of church friends that have volunteered just to have fun hanging out w/ my kiddo!. My hubby would like to be a teacher of history but was working in marketing & hated it, he was laid off when I was 4 mon pregnant (DD is now 2 1/2) like a lot of folks he used that time to find a job that was closer to his chosen profession, he now works w/ career services for a college. It's not teaching exactly, but it's closer & he's one class & student teaching away from his masters in ed through Phoenix U. But actually thinks now maybe he wants to stay doing what he's doing. He likes the challenge & it's pays much more than a starting teacher. He's gotten the satisfaction of his education & it's there just in case he does need to make a change at some point.

The long way around to my point is that maybe you can form a plan to satisfy all of your needs...home & hubby's If you have a skill that could enrich you & provide income to the family w/out taking from the home or at least at a minimum & he could maybe look into training for his interests (criminal justice classes??) He may even find (as my hubby has) that he can fulfill his needs & provide for the family.

I'm not saying it isn't hard & doesn't take some sacrifice but it's worth it to be happy in life. My biggest issue w/ a job I hated was I didn't want my DD growing up seeing me and/or my husband unsatisfied w/ life. I'd rather give up a few things & show her the meaning of what it takes to do what you love than surround ourselves w/ stuff & still be unhappy. And personally, I love it when I hear my daughter say "mommy sings pretty songs!" & (although, not in the moment) she cries if I pass the church & can't stop because I know she's already forming a friendships & connections in church & a love of music that will last a lifetime & worth more than anything I can ever buy her....truly a rich life!!!

Tell him to be a big boy and stop wining about his miserable life.
But if you want to be nice, ask him if this has to be an "all or nothing" situation. Could he cut back in the work that he does now and volunteer (or get paid) somewhere to play cop? Depending on where you live, there may be opportunities for him to be in a volunteer force or to do security detail. Has he ever tried that kind of work? Maybe he has been watching too much CSI lately, lol.

Sorry, I just want to support you a bit. Going to making half of your family income or less is just not reasonable at this stage in the economy. Not to say that you both can't start making plans for something better, but I would NOT quit my job to make half as much and uproot my family. It really doesn't sound that you are overly extravagant with your finances. Start getting a plan in place before you allow him to make a move...

You can stay in your town, but downsize to a 3 BR house. The kids might actually like it. Then, you can buy children's clothes at Once Upon a Child located in Massepequa. It's a consignment shop but very good quality with designer clothes. Forget birthday parties at establishments. The best ones are at home with just a few best friends (forget inviting the whole class). Be modest at Christmastime. As far as activities are concerned, invest on the ones that make sense. If there's real talent, then go for it. If not, then go for the community sports through the towns (soccer, little league, etc.). Forget dinners out; instead order pizza twice a month. And forget gettaways unless you have travel miles. These sacrifices are doable, but your hubby would also have to give up a few things if he's living extravagantly. You're all in it together. You can do it!

I had this problem years ago. I had been praying about a way for me not to have to go back to work. I had worked while my son was a baby and I felt so bad about it not to mention as you pointed out how you are automatically losing half the money you make on child care right out the door.....
My story was that I was on maternity leave, didn't have extra money, was invited to a friend's bday party so I painted a picture of her kids in a tub with their names on the towels (towels were of her bathroom's color scheme & I painted the correct kids's hair color etc...) I put it in a little frame and She ended up taking it to her Corporate office unbeknownst to me and came back with 40 orders. My mom had been a children's artist when I was growing up and did art shows and so it seemed natural to just follow in her footsteps.
My point is... there a million jobs you can do at home.... really there are....My friend makes a lot of money selling things on Ebay. My daughter makes a ton on Etsy.com... I have an Etsy account but I also have a full time job and you have to invest a lot of time on line networking....
Just try to figure out what your talent is... google some working at home ideas... BEWARE of the scams... read reviews...
Be pro-active... figure it out before he quits his job.
At least if you are researching and you tell your husband that you are trying to figure out a way for him to switch careers, it will give him hope to be patient enough for you to establish your own portion of the income you will be contributing.
Too many times we jump before we get all our ducks in a row but if you have a reasonably patient husband, he won't be so overwhelmed if he sees you are attempting to give him a way out.
Good luck and keep in touch, I'd love to hear what you end up doing.
Blessings!

There are several things going on here.
1. Hubby doesn't like his job and want to change.
2. Mom got the kids into things that she didn't have as a kid growing up.
3. Living above your means because everyone has their own.

Well first off can hubby qualify for the physical part of law enforcement -- the running and agility and psychological? Will you be able to live being a single mom while he studies and begins his wild shifts like night shift? Are you willing to do things by yourself on his days off when he has to go to court? Will he be called in or asked to stay after his shift is over? Will he be able to get overtime pay because agencies are on a freeze for raises? Will he be able to have down time when he gets home before he deals with his kids? Will this change his personality doing/seeing what the underbelly of the town is like?

Mom, I know it is not nice growing up with nothing. But sometimes kids don't know what they don't have to miss it. Sometimes trying to make everything better does make for a child to think they are entitled to have everything. You have to learn to get things for theirselves and be self-efficient. When are they going to learn that you always get what you want?

Housing, does it have to be the house you have or can you downsize? I mean it is the biggest investment of a family. A roof over your head, food in your stomach, clothes on your back and away to learn. These are the important things not all the frills.

The world you dreamed about and the world that is are two different things especially since our Great Recession has occurred. You are living in one of the states with the most expense tax base. No wonder he is miserable. I have known many people to leave the state because they can't afford it. I would looove to move back but I can't afford it. The house that I grew up in (custom built) that cost about $30,000 (in the late 50s) sold for over $400,000. Think about the priorities and life and be grateful that your has does have a job to go to. Do keep us updated.

The other S.

PS If your daughter is as good as you say do some research into how many kids make it. And how much it is going to cost you to get her there. Are there any sponsors in the wings to help with her expenses? Is this her dream or yours - the Olympics?

Hubby may be miserable in his career, and he may want a change, but a change that makes the family suffer is really not being a responsible father. He can think about changing jobs/careers, but it needs to be a career path with a similar salary to what he makes now. He can make a change, but he may need to choose something different. If he chooses a lower paying job, then one of you may need to work evenings/weekends to make up the loss of income without having to pay for childcare. When you've had four children, you can't necessarily do whatever you want without considering everyone else.

My husband decided 2 years ago he was miserable in his job. He was 39 and my girl friend told me he was just having a mid life crisis. He suddenly was complaining all the time and was hating the politics at his job (he taught at a university). He decided to apply for another "perfect" job doing research and he ended up getting it. It was a VERY hard decision to leave and move across the country. We left all our friends and connections and a place where I just loved to live. I decided it is so important that he be happy with his job and that I would suck it up. We went through the exhausting process of selling our beloved house and saying goodbye to all our best friends. Anyway, half a year after moving he decided he made a mistake and liked his old job better. Of course he could not get it back. He went through another 6 months of being unhappy here and then he finally just decided to get over it. He now is much more engaged in his work and is enjoying it. He said it was more his own mindset than anything. The whole thing was a HUGE emotional roller coaster and it was hard on our relationship. So....talk to your husband a lot about this. Could he be going through a mid life crisis? My friend was totally right and I should have just said no, we are not moving. But how could I have known? I have heard from many other women about their husbands going through this exact same thing...all about at the same age. I think it is a type of mid life crisis...they realize, is this what my life is all about? And they suddenly want to make big changes. If I could go back in time I would tell my husband no, we are not leaving a place we love, all our friends, and awesome jobs just because you hate the politics. The politics suck anywhere you work. I would have told him to suck it up and ignore the politics like all our other friends said. Anyway, I am slowly finding my niche in our new location but it is slow going. I may never find a really good job here...but at the moment I don't care about that bc I am a SAHM. One day I will want to go back to work though...

We sacrifice our stuff for our child. Hubby doesn't need martial arts class. You can get him cheap marital arts training videos off the internet on Ebay. Some only cost $3. We even forgo our own b'day presents just so our child can have what he wants. Another thing you can do is to get a job that's the oposite shift as your hubby, so you don't need a daycare/babysitter. If hubby works days, you get a night job. Learn to bake and don't buy anything you can make yourself unless it really is cheaper to buy it like bread.

I don't sugarcoat things so here goes:

Marriage involves sacrifices done between BOTH parties in order to live in harmony as one.

The only thing you need to do about this situation is be supportive and stop thinking stuff is more important than your spouse's happiness. You ARE being selfish because you are freaking out about the changes YOU would have to go through and pawning it off on what the kids would have to give up. They are still young and the change might do them good. The boys can share a room and so can the girls if you end up having to move.

What if the situation was reversed? Wouldn't you want your husband to support your decision to change careers?

To me it's a no-brainer.

My husband hates his job at well. It really takes a strain on the family. Our kids are young and aren't in all the activities yet but I know I do want them to be able to be in music, sports, gymnastics, etc. I feel the same as you as we don't need the materialistic things but I do want them to experience things and learn. We are trying to save and build an emergency fund and found ways to be extremely frugule. Can you do that now and build up your emergency fund and when that is done allow your husband to change careers and then is there anything you could possibly do part time flexible hours that would earn enough cash to cover the kids activities? Also, can you move to a small house or rent in the same area since you don't want to move towns? My husband is always stressed and depressed due to his job. If he were to switch careers to something he enjoyed and came home happy to us and our kids to see a happy father then I tell myself I would find ways to make it work. My husband though doesn't know what he wants to do and is just keeping this job that he is miserable at. I wish he had the passion for something that he would enjoy going to work to everyday.

Police hours are 24/7 and sometimes do long shifts=less work days then maybe you could do something when your husband isn't working on days your kids are at home??

I will just mention that your DH may very well end up with a real medical problem if he keeps doing work that he hates. How many middle aged men end up having heart attacks after years in jobs that they hate?! On the other hand, YOU may end up with a real medical issue if you have to make such a drastic lifestyle change! I love the idea of making a 5 year plan. That will allow you to work together to explore all the possible options and both will know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Compromise and careful evaluation of the options is the key to finding a solution.

I will also add that this is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY! You can work together to build a new lifestyle. I encourage you to see this as an exciting new journey for your family instead of a burden. You never know what unexpected opportunity may arise out of your exploration.