Hubby Doesn't like My Family to Spend the Night.

I am the same way about my husband's family which live about 45 minutes from us. They are constantly asking to spend the night. My issue is that they are so high maintenance and want to be waited on hand and foot. I have two children and a full time job, and I resent having to do things for them and my own family. Just drive home already!

Why doesn't he like them spending the night? If he has no other problem with them then that seams arbitrary/unreasonable and if he has some other problem with them then you should discus that because it is the root of the issue

I know exactly how you feel. My hubby is the same way, even though my sister and family don't come all that often. We do have an extra room, and they bring a blow up bed. My husband is very private and does not like having his space invaded or his time taken up with extra people around. I can't say that I have suggestions, I feel just like you, caught in the middle!

M

why is it over night? it's only an hr away. That may be the issue your husband has with it. It's only an hr away there's no real reason she should need to stay overnight.

I would just tell her that you have plans for the evening. OR explain to her that it IS only an hr.

How often do you go visit them overnight with your kids?

I would think the easiest solution is say, no, we have other plans every now and then.

Oh, yeah, M brings up a good point, why are these overnights? It takes an hour to go from one end of my city to the other. No one would think that was far enough to warrant an overnight. Troy's family lives four hours from here, there have been times we go there and back in the same day. Maybe that is part of your husband's problem. These don't sound like family visits, they sound like slumber parties.

An hour away isn't far at all. Certainly you can get together with your family and not need to make weekends out of it planned a year in advance.

tell your husband to go away for the night with friends=)

an hour isnt so far you need an overnight but it sounds like its something your kids and sister like so why not?

what are his reasons?

How can you NOT let your family stay with you if it's only once a month!! I'm sorry, but in my book, family always has a place to stay if they want to come visit!!! Where do you stay if you go visit them? Or don't you ever visit?

And yes, I'm speaking from experience: I'm two hours away from my family and they can come and stay any time they want! (And vice-versa!) My husband is fine with it and if he wasn't, too bad!!! It's because of HIM that I had to move further away from my family to begin with!

And how are you stuck in the middle if you're in agreement with your husband? I don't get it!

T.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

i'm sorry - I consider an hour away local. My family is on the West Coast. My husband's family is 8 hours north of us and 12 hours south of us. So we have no "local" family.

What is your husband's major malfunction? It's not like they are staying weeks on end. it's a WEEKEND and it's family. What does he expect? Why doesn't he like them to spend the night? Has he stated clearly WHY or just that he "doesn't like it"?

I don't understand why she can't drive home either - it's only an hour. If she's been drinking - I get it. But really - it's an hour. Not HOURS. I do understand wanting to stay for the weekend and not driving back and forth.

You need to sit your husband down and find out WHAT EXACTLY his problem is. And then go from there. If his just "doesn't like it" then he needs to suck it up and deal with it once every couple of months.

Get to the bottom/root of the problem. That's your husband. Start there and figure out what bothers him about it.

GOOD LUCK!!

An hour, really? My in-laws live an hour away. We go up there for one day visits on the time, without feeling the need to spend the night. An hour is not far, in my opinion. I love my family. I have no problems spending time with my parents and in-laws. (I'm not real close to my mom, but have no issues spending time with her.) I would HATE having them spend the night. No real reason, it's just this is my house. I don't want a pajama party with the parents. An hour is not far enough, for me to open my house to overnight visits.

ETA: She wants to stay for a WEEKEND, for an hour drive??? I think that's the problem. There is no need. I would say no, too!! Geez, I can't think of anyone I would enjoy by the end of a whole weekend.

Why doesn't he like them spending the night, what does he say?
Honestly an hour is not very far, it seems like you could see each other quite often without it always being a sleepover.
A few more details would be helpful in answering your question.

WHY doesn't he want them to spend the night.

There may be valid reasons. I love it when my sis comes, and I love it when my MIL comes, but she is more high maintenance. I would be so exhausted if my SIL came over, I'd need a month to recover.

Find out what his concerns are and address them. If they are valid, then work around it, or visit THEM instead for an overnight. If they are immature reasons, then that's a separate issue to deal with.

EDIT: If they only live an hour away, I don't really understand why the sleepovers are necessary so often. It doesn't really make sense. They can spend all day with you and then sleep in their own beds. Maybe alternating where the kids can sleep over at their place - that would be fun for them AND for you and hubby.

Like everyone else is asking...why doesn't he want her there? Does she sleep on the couch and get in the way of early-risers?? I don't even think it matters that it's only an hour. If you are close to your sister and the kids love her, why can't she stay over? Is it just her staying over, or is she married and/or kids that are also staying?

I guess I don't consider 1 hr away to require an overnight. My sister lives 45 min away from me, and is my only blood relative within 400 miles. We get together about once a month, usually someplace in between, and have never made it an overnight.

Does your hubby not like hosting THEM particularily, or just doesn't like hosting overnights in general? I'd ask him that.

I would ask him what he doesn't like. While I usually drive home for just an hour away, there are also times when I just want to visit a friend or family member and spending more time is fun. Does he not like your sister? Is this not something he did as a kid? We always crashed with my cousins (who live about 1.5 hours away) when we were little.

Vice versa, what if YOU went to stay with HER?

Is your hubby jealous of your sister and your time with her (i.e. taking time and attention away from him)? Or her time with your kids taking time and attention away from him? Does he even realize how ridiculous that is?

An hour away is nothing to drive or to meet in the middle. She doesn't have to spend the night; she could just spend the day. Of course, if she had to go home, you couldn't sit up having girl talk late at night or early in the morning (without kids around) like sisters might enjoy doing. What would it really hurt for her to spend the night one a month or once every other month.

I was the single, childless aunt until 40yrs old. I adore my niece and nephew and have a special bond with them. It didn't mean that I didn't have my own life nor did it mean that I wasn't dating and socializing when not around them. Your sister probably isn't sitting at home pining away every weekend that she's not with you and doesn't need your husband to push her to be more independent. It sounds like your hubby is being a little bit petty. Your kids are lucky to have an aunt who loves them and wants to spend time with them (and their parents). Maybe you should offer to go visit your sister with the kids for an overnight at her house!

Why don't you and the kids visit her once a month, and stay over.

weird all round. my parents live 2 hours away. i only stay the night under exacting circumstances. i can't imagine NOT driving an hour to be at home and not put anyone out.
that being said, your husband is also a bit tyrannical here. what DOES he think is okay? if once a month is too much......every other month? once a year? what?
is he objecting to the calendar scheduling because he's being a pig and refusing to discuss it, or because he's exasperated because you're over-reacting? (family visits for folks who live an hour away really don't need to be planned a year in advance.)
surely your sister can be invited up once every 3 months or so for a special sleepover night with your kids.
i just don't get how this is so hard to work around to a reasonable compromise.
khairete
S.

Thanks for all of the advice. Some have asked if there is more to the story...the only thing I can add is that my sister is single with no kids. Sometimes my husband and I agree that she needs to get her own life. But in general I don't see a problem with an overnight visit every other month. My daughter loves the visits and doesn't want her to leave. Every time we plan for a visit my husband sees it as a problem. I just think he sees overnight guests as an invasion of his space, which I guess I have to respect but there has to be some compromise. Just trying to figure out what it is.

Updated

I totally agree that my husband wants to have his house to himself after working all week. My sister on average spends 3-4 nights a year (one night every couple of months). My husband also does a lot of work for his side business on the weekends, which leaves me and the kids. I have lupus and some days I am just worn out. Not only would I enjoy her company, I also would love the extra help.

I don't see anything wrong with the overnights. That fact your kids love their aunt and she wants to spend time with them - that is priceless.

Or is there something you aren't telling us as to why he doesn't 'really' want her there. The fact he isn't willing to help with the plans is a huge red flag - sounds more a whiny baby or power trip to me. Remember, he's your husband, not your boss and it is your house too and YOUR family member. I always see a red flag when a spouse doesn't like their in-laws around if they aren't causing problems.

And, it's not your job to make everyone happy - that's a tough realization to come to but you need to come to grips with that as well. I mean, who is making sure you are happy?

Be careful what you ask for...your family will not always be around to come see you.

First of all an hour away isn't that far, and definitely doesn't require an overnight, all weekend visits. You said your husbands entire family is local, are they constantly visiting and staying overnight? Once a month, every other month, is way too much, especially for overnight. That's such an invasion of time and privacy. Does your husband work all week? If so, I'm sure he looks forward to spending the weekends with you and your kids, not you and your sister and kids. You have to look at the big picture. I get that your kids and sister adore one another, but you have a family with your husband and kids, which should always come before your sister. I have nieces and nephews two hours away, who I ADORE, and our family is extremely close. But I would NEVER even think about spending entire weekeds with them on a regular basis. I respect the fact that my brother and sister are married and have other priorities, their spouses and kids. I also have a life of my own and have more to do than to impose on my siblings and their lives. I'm at every birthday, recital, graduation, school performance and other special events. So, there is really no need to plan out a yearly calendar. Relationships are hard enough, without adding family into the picture. There is obviously more to this story?

Every family is different. My dad's family would wait to eat dinner if someone stopped over, my Mom's family would just share their dinner. My paternal grandpa built the houses for all 6 of his kids. None of them had a dining room and the kitchen was just big enough to hold the family that actually lived there. He would just say you don't need extra room. You don't need to invite people over. ----- yep total control freak. He also did not include a guest room in any house.
My mom's family was totally different.

You and hubby need to learn to compromise I get that having extra people around makes him uncomfortable but he needs to understand that for you --- not being able to have your sister spend the night a few times a year would be like living in isolation. Some people need to feel connected to siblings all the time ---- some do not.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with your sister staying the night here or there. What are his specific reasons for not wanting her to stay? Can you and the kids go to her place? It's your house, too. I think he should compromise!

Maybe she could come for a weekend every other month and you and the kids could go to her place one weekend on the other months. Or, if hubby doesn't want you to stay overnight, an hour is not that far to drive. You could leave your house early, arrive at hers early and stay all day. For me, that would be more than enough socialization - I'd be ready to go home by the end of the day.

find a spot in between you both and rent a hotel room go to local museams and parks it will be like a mini vacation!

I think planning out so far ahead is a bit much. What IS he comfortable with? If you're compromising, than he needs to also! Maybe he's fine with a sleepover every other month and heck, can work a guy's weekend in there for the same weekend. You need to stick up for your family and your kids. Your kids are obviously benefiting from seeing your family too and sometimes we need to suck it up for the kids' sake. We're 4 hours from family, so when they come they definitely have to spend the night. Sometimes they stay at a hotel, this weekend my parents are bringing their camper. My husband isn't thrilled but he knows my parents absolutely love seeing their grandson, he loves seeing them and that's what matters. I just try to do something special for hubby to make it a little easier, like not nag him about installing that shelf for the 500th time, or making waffles that he loves.