How to Teach What Sex Is to a 10 Yr Old Boy ....

Hi L.:
Depending on the relationship,between father and son,sometimes,it can be more comfortable for a boy to discuss sex with the same gender.They feel,they will better understand. When they are beginning to go through puberty,and experiencing changes,or certain feelings,they know,Dads been there.Teaching your child about sex,demands a gentle,continuous flow of information. Adding more materials gradually,until they understand the subject well. One aspect that many parents overlook,when discussing the subject,is dating,getting to know someone,talking,and holding hands,getting to know each other. I think we get so flustered,with how to discribe (sex) we tend to concentrate on the physical aspect,and forget about the emotional feelings involved.Even though your son is reaching puberty,it would be extremely difficult for him to absorb everything there is to know about sex in one discussion.I remember my mother sitting me and all my sisters down,for the (BIG TALK) she ran through it so fast,that I walked out confused,and disgusted at my father! lol I remember walking by him that evening,and gritting my teeth!I think the important thing for your son to know at this time,is that the changes his body will be going through are normal. He will be growing hair in places he never imagined,and his voice will change. He will experience urges,and he needs to be told,that these are all normal.That all boys feel these.I would let him know,how you and dad met,and got to know one another,and eventually fell in love.Children need to know,this is an important part of a caring relationship.Its important to let our children know our values about sex.I wish I had a reference,a book or video to reccomend,but i'm sure some of the wonderful mothers here will have a few they've used. I wish you and your growing son the very best.J. M

3 moms found this helpful

I'm a Dad, so it may seem from that (male) perspective, even more important is from the aspect of being a parent:

Age appropriateness is the guiding light here. I would not tell your ten year old "everything" at this point, but answer questions HE might have. I would inform him about what sex is, why, maybe some of how, etc. You (or better yet, your husband) should bring him into enlightenment, but in a measured way. First of all, it is very overwhelming for a kid as young as that to be exposed to all there is in the realm of sex, much less "get it" at that point. And also, it is inevitable that this discussion will filter down to his younger sister as well, so be prepared for that. You want to guide your kids into an understanding that is factual and sensitive to real personal dynamics (and feelings).

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I agree with Julia.

For me and my sister, our Mom never had the 'talk' with us and we had to learn from that silly film that show in 5th/6th grade, and of course from Health.

While ALL that technical information was helpful, it would have been nice to get one of those mother/daughter talks. I think the only thing she said was to be careful about kissing boys, because that's how girls get pregnant. So, from 6th grade until about 9th grand I avoided ALL contact with boys that didn't involve sports. Then, of course there are the friends who have books and big sisters to share information...so that was equally confusing!!

I would say, sit down with his Dad and ask him what his memories were of 'the talk' and what things you both think he should know right now. Most people I know have weird stories about that time in their lives, so make sure your hubby thinks about what he would have changed about that talk and make it a comfortable experience. I agree, it should be between father and son...I would have hated it if my Dad tried to talk to me about my body and how it was supposed to work! How does he know??

At any rate, it's great that you're thinking about it now. Just do some research and make sure he doesn't feel talked at but, talked with and that he is able to ask questions that he's curious about...

Good Luck!

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Hello L.....

I have an 11 year old boy with the same pending talk. We have talked about it for the last year in spurts. Ask him what he knows about it and go from there. I heard that talking on a long car ride is good, because you are not staring into his eyes and he can look away from you if he is embarrassed.

Have the talk about his body, how he needs to wash himself, groom himself and most of all when to have "private" time in his bedroom.

I have two boys with their hands in their pants while they are watching television.
Get Dad involved. I asked his teacher and usually they prefer that they know all about sex and hygiene by the 5th grade.

Don't worry... many 11 year olds don't know what sex is yet.

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Hi L., I'm curious to know if he asked some questions and why he needs to know what sex is. I would talk about how relationships between parents are on many levels of interaction. Love, respect, support, mental and physical. All of these are caring and given with love. People need to be hugged and kissed, ask him if he likes to be hugged etc...
So men and women that love each other touch and kiss.
No need to go into details at his age, he will have more questions later and at a natural time. You could certainly answer questions but I would be watching his face for signs that you have reached his level of curiousity. Address more information as you need to as time goes by, it's an ongoing process.
D. Nothing to be embarrassed about but it's silly to move too fast. Let kids be knowledgeable as they need it. good luck, D.

Wow on Barbara L.

This is why kids no so much.

I would have a heart to heart talk with him ask him what he knows. At this age he ownly needs to know what is going to be happening to him. Getting hair in wierd places, your peepee standing up, etc.. Ask him if he has question about things he might have heard. And let him know that you are open to talk when he has a question or hears something he doesn't understand. Also that daddy is a pro and has already been their done that and can help with things if he is to embaressed to talk to you.
He doesn't need to know about girls issues until they talk about it in 6th grade or if you feel the need to tell him earlier then do it a year after you have told him about himself. He needs time to prossess this and telling him everything will be way more then he can handle you will find this out as you start the talk about him. Once he knows about girls wait another year to talk about sex, unless he comes to you first always answer they'er questions truthfully. But if he knows more than you think he did it's because he has a friend like Barbara's kids.

You should also talk to him about not telling or talking to other kids about this especially to other kids, this is something you only talk to your parents about because some kids haven't been told these things and this is a talk they need to have with they're parents first, that if they hear kids talking about it or they ask him questions he should simply say you need to talk to your mom and dad about this they can answer your questions best. And that there will come a time that everyone his age knows and it will be ok to talk to them then. (High school).

But really only give him what he is ready for the whole dad does what to mommy is a very disturbing and discusting thing to a kid. He only needs to deal with what he might experience first. When he has dealed with that then he can deal that girls go through something diffrent. And so on.

Good Luck! J.

Dogs and horses are particularly useful in this arena. "What are those dogs doing, Mommy?" "They're mating..."

I have two pretty darn well adjusted sons, now 17 and 19, and followed the advise given me years ago: Don't give them more information than they ask for. "Where do babies come from?" "Inside their mommies." "How do they get out?" "Through a little hole between her legs." vs "Well, the man takes off his clothes and gets an erection (at which point most boys that age will dissolve in a gale of laughter, if you get my drift.)

Most 10-year-old boys I know are more interested in who can ride their bike fastest and inadvertantly burning down the house.

Hope this helps.

Hi, L.,

I was a junior and senior high school teacher for many years, so I've heard teenagers talk about a lot of things. Based on what I've heard from them, I wouldn't worry about telling your son too much. (Most teenagers seem to know way more in this department than their parents give them credit for!) I'd worry about not telling them ENOUGH. If you act like sex is as natural as eating and sleeping, which it is, then I think that you and your kids will feel more comfortable about sexuality. I don't think talking about sex makes people want to have it more with a particular person or more indiscriminantly. I've seen sexual problems develop much more often in people who weren't allowed to talk about it. My husband grew up in a super-religious Catholic family and was the only kid in his class not allowed to see the sex-ed movie in 5th or 6th grade. At the age of 43, in spite of having had sex with many women, he still seems pretty inept to me and won't talk about sex with me. (I am currently looking for a sex therapist.)

My kids are babies now, but when they starting asking me where they came from, I will have a pretty easy way to introduce them to the topic of sex. My first child was created through Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). We have photos of him when he was only a few cells in a petri dish. I will encourage my sons to become knowledgeable about sex by reading and talking to people but wait until they have met the person they plan to marry to start having sex. Both my husband and I contracted type II herpes (I, orally). We met through a herpes support group, so when my kids ask me how my husband and I met, I can naturally bring up STDs.

A couple of good books on sexual development geared toward kids might prove helpful.

Good luck,
L. E

Talk to both of your kids soon. There are several age-appropriate books by Robie Harris that should help. (http://www.powells.com/s?author=Robie%20H.%20Harris)

Remember that you want their information about sex and their bodies to come from YOU. The earlier you talk to them, the less likely they are to get bad information from their friends, who may only be guessing or worse.

Good luck!

There is a difference in being pro-active and pushing the envelope.
Why are you having this talk so early?
Is he starting to be a little courious?
If NO, to both the questions, wait, wait till he's a little older to understand and even then he won't understand.
There are some things I don't discuss w/ my 17 yr old. Kids are much smarter then we give them credit. What we don't teach them, they learn off the street or tv, it's life. I just sit back and wait for my child to ask question, don't volunteer anything. That way you know what they know and you don't give any ideas or make them want to know more, if you know what I mean.
Besides there are so many kids under the age of 16 having kids these days, why rush this?

If your son is asking questions, then certainly answer them. But you don't need to get into detail. If he is starting puberty there is a great book, "Whats happening to me?" It answers their puberty questions wonderfully. I just left the book around the house and he picked it up and checked it out on his own. I let my son know I would answer any questions he had.

You don't want to wait too long. Think about it, back in the days, sex was not as bad as it is nowadays. Lack of discussion between parents will is the first step to fault. Nowadays, more and more teenagers either already involve, or has already active in sex at one point or another. Relying on books, etc., will not help. It's your son hearing it directly from you what sex is all about, the goods and the bads about it, the do's and the don'ts, what and how it would affect them at that very point of their life...etc. He is your child, and he will need to hear it directly from you. It may be awkward between the two of you, but it will get better where anytime he needs to talk, will always be more comfortable to come to you without holding back rather than going to someone else who may put other ideas in his mind. You are his guidance and protector. You are his motivator. Talk to him directly. It may not seem comfortable at first, but, guarantee you will be his guidance...

The 8 yr old is not to young to learn about sex, start with how animals get babies in there tummy, let them know both together that you would like to have some discussion about how we pro create. best time to start this is in the car driving this way they can pretend not to hear you talk, but really they are both paying attention, a little at a time

I consider it your duty to tell him everything you can.

Sounds crazy...certainly in America, where for some odd reason adults are convinced that children or anyone will become sex crazed, or perverted, if they know or see too much.

The more he knows the better a lover he will become some day. The more you can describe with out your own potential " back off " to sex the more he will tell you back when things start happening to him. The reason is...you are safe to talk to, you dont wince and you could even be joyfull on his behalf.

I find my biggest worry is that any of my five children would be " molested" or be too forceful with another sexually. and frankly the only way to know about that is if you are someone they can trust and will comfortably talk to about anything.. because you are not like most parents : out raged, hurt, worried about public image and judgement, if they were to tell you something private.

My oldest boy is sexually active, he shared the loss of his cherry with us happy and comfortably. has since kept us abreast and has many questions mostly about the female body or satisfaction.
Sex is a very needed and normal part of human life why cover it up or pretend it should not be known about? even at 10 ? also has he not been asking at earlier ages? my kids start around four with the big questions, and I illustrate and tell until I can see they " understand"

I have to comment on what Heidi S said.
Heidi, I do agree with much of what you said. Sex is a God given, normal, blessing. BUT....
It is intended as a monogamous relationship between married couples. How sad for your son and his girl friend(s). Sex isn't just about pleasure. It is a 'knowing' of another person. when that bond is broken it can be devastating. You say your are worried that your son might push too hard to 'get it' from someone. How do you know he hasn't? I don't know too many teenage girls who 'give it' willingly. they give it for love and regret it later. It is much better for your son's health and welfare to teach him to wait. He is much safer that way, and he risks legal problems if he is 18 or older and having sex with a minor. I believe that is illegal in all states. It is called Statutory Rape.

Hi L.
My experience with my now 13 year old son has been wonderful. The best way to handle it is to take it as it comes. since each child develops at different rates, each will have questions at different times. Number one, let him know that he may have questions and that you want to answer them, so he can come to you anytime. Be honest, keep it simple. The deal I made with my son is that I will give him a direct answer to his question. If that causes another question, he needs to ask it. That way I won't give him too much information. Also, when we are watching t.v. together I will pause it and correct the messages coming across. He has grown through this process since he was about 9. He has made these comments.
Once in response to finding out his friend's dad had an affair. "that is like taking a treasure map to the best treasure in the world, and tearing it up and throwing it away"! Out of the mouths of babes! I couldn't have said it better my self.

More recently, now that he is in puberty, and we have had some very frank discussions. In the past he didn't know if he wanted to get married. (go figure!)
Now, he is looking forward to getting married so he can share that wonderful experience with his wife! (he is being encouraged to wait, and to seek a friend with similar views. ( a modified 'courtship' mentality if you will.)

Sorry to be so lengthy but after reading other's comments, I wanted to add this.
I recently warned my son that he may have 'wet dreams' soon. We discussed it comfortably, and I told him what I knew about it. Then I encouraged him to ask his dad any specific questions he has about it. Since I am with him 24/7, I am the more natural to answer the questions as they come up. My husband is involved, and thankfully understands the need to address the subjects as they naturally occur. I also make sure I let my husband know about any weighty conversations we have had, so he is prepared to answer further questions. God intended for us to learn from our parents naturally...you are the best judge of your son's need!

My son now 11 asked some questions and I answered without giving more info then needed. Right before he started 6th grade middle school I told him I wanted to read a book with him about where babies come from and sex. I told him some of it he already knew of course but some stuff he wouldn't. We went in my room and sat on the bed so as not to be disturbed and I read this book to him. It's called "Where Did I Come From?" written my Peter Mayle. It covers everything and has cute little drawings, very appropriate. He didn't say anything when I finished so I said some of that you already knew and some was kind of weird huh. He said yeah and that was it. I told him if he ever has any questions to ask me. The end. I didn't want him hearing stuff at middle school. I wanted him to already know.Reading a book where we didn't have to talk or look at each other was non threating or embarassing. Knowledge is power. D. G.

Hi L.,
I have a 12 year old young lady in my house, so I know what you mean about the talk. I found a book that has helped me. It's a christian based book for girls but I know they have one for boys. "Preparing your Son for Every Young Man's Battle", by Stephan Arterburn. I hope that helps.

Veronica S

When my oldest was in 5th grade and they prepared for "The Movie", I also gave him the information that is given to girls. I told him that he needs to understand that once a girl starts her period, she can get pregnant. Prior to this we had short discussions as his questions and age required. I did the same with my second son. One of the biggest factors is how they see their parents relating. This is their first example of how men and women relate. Good for you for being proactive on this. Let him guide you and definitely try to get Dad on board (my husband was very uncomfortable with discussing this with the kids, but he was a good example in treating me with respect). Good luck. Your son is lucky to have a mom who is not afraid to do this.

There are some AWESOME books about this that were mentioned in a magazine I read - here are the names of them:

1. Its So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families by Robbie H. Harris - ages 7 and up
2. Where Did I Come From? The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustrations by Peter Mayle - ages 7 and up
3. Its Perfectly Normal:Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris - ages 10 and up

I have a few years to go for this but from what the article says these books are great for teaching the topic of sex to kids. Good luck mama!

Try books that treat the subject with humor if it makes you squemish! There are a couple of really great ones I used with my kids, although "Where Did I Come From" might be a little young for your 10 year old, it would be wonderful for the 8 year old. The companion book, "What's Happening to Me" deals with puberty and it excellant. I would not worry about what the 10 year old passes on to the younger sibling, that is something they will do anyway so they might as well have accurate info!