How to Remain Supportive When You're Freaking Out?

I agree with Dawn. Yes, it's a shock to unexpectedly lose a job -- especially the way he lost his, but now it's time for a plan!
He can easily split time between job hunting, child care and housework AND still have "me time" too.
You guys need to talk and devise a plan to regroup and conquer!
It's only been a week and a half, I wouldn't panic just yet.
O. other thought--if you think he's not cut out for this multi-tasking, then I suggest he takes A job, any job in the meantime and plan his job hunt around that job. Good luck!

Pretend he's you. As in do and say the things that would make your heart swell with love and put a smile on your face if *you* had lost your job. How would you want him to be supportive of you? What things would make you think "I'm SO lucky to have you?" and what would make you want to strangle him or curl into a ball and cry?

I think it basically comes down to one of two things: Either you trust him, or you don't.

I don't trust my husband in many arenas, but I do trust him in regards to work and his work ethic. He's lost his job, oh, I don't know... 3 or 4 times since we've been married (nearly 10 years now). Each time I tell him to:

"Take a week off. Don't stress, honey, we can handle this." Then I start phoning all of our bills/creditors/ etc., explain the situation, and get our bills either wholly suspended or on a fractional installment plan (aka we make token payments until the month following new employment ... I don't call to set our bills back up *until* we've gotten the SECOND paycheck... the first one is usually only for a week). Once all the bills are on hold, the pressure is off, and so is the *desperation*. Which is huge. It means he goes into an interview without the grim reaper standing over him, and he's searching for a job that's as good or better than the one he had before.

He then files for unemployment, and even though I've told him to take a week, he usually starts making phone calls and "testing waters"... but there is no pressure, because it's during his "vacation" week.

We spend that week as a family. LOL... which usually gets him *really* ready to go back to work, because a staycation (with chores, and meals, and etc. is WORK, as any sahp or wahp knows).

After his vacation week is over, he typically spends a couple hours a day job hunting. Really, having done the same, that's all that can be done unless you're about to starve and will accept anything that comes at you.

My H has a fairly specialized job, so it can be a little difficult finding that type of job. Regardless, each and every single time he's lost his job he's had a couple of offers within 2-3 mo. Usually the first one or two he keeps on the back burner. They're *okay* but not as good or better than the last. Then the right job falls in our laps (aka through tons and tons of interviews and negotiations, etc.)

We have as yet (knock on wood) not wound up better off than we were before.

He's been out of work during both recessions. Each time, losing his job ended up being a blessing in disguise... because while he was offered many jobs at less than half what he made before... he turned them down and waited, or they bumped up their offer to something reasonable, and he was able to negotiate. Companies take advantage of desperation. BIG time.

The same is true of most of my friends who've lost their jobs during this recession. A girlfriend of mine was making 45, but all the jobs she was interviewing for only paid 22. So she passed on them. It took her 7 mo, but she's now making 52 with better benefits. During her off time she enrolled in a continuing ed class so that instead of 6+ mo of unemployment she was able to put added certs on her resume. Ditto my sister. Ditto everyone I know that just reorganized, tightened their belts, and kept looking.

It's amazing, what a positive attitude and outlook can accomplish. But then again, I've been homeless. I know what true desperation looks like, and what it feels like. There's no point (imho) of living that way when that's NOT really what your life looks like. No matter what, no matter how bad it gets, I know we can land on our feet.

My husband was out of work for 5 months and it was really tough! Our Credit Card debt was high as it was but it quickly grew. I also was partially laid off but made too much to collect unemployment. My mentality was hey, we have our health and our family is together. I don't care if we have to sell our house for next to nothing and live in a small apartment as long as we are all together who cares. It was just a bump in the road. I'm not saying that you can't have your ups and downs, hopefully you have supportive friends who will listen to you vent from time to time but, your BF is depressed I guarantee it! Allow some slacking while he deals with the loss. Men are different, they handle these things differently and as long as he doesn't allow the depression to take over you will be ok. Yes, he should be helping around the house while he is out of work however, he may need a little time to adjust to all of this. I know it is hard but sometimes you do have to be the Strong one and pick up the slack for your partner. You will make it!! Keep positive, that is all I can say. You can't allow it to take over either! Use your friends and family as support for you and you be the support for your man. Good luck, eventually everything will be better for us all. This isn't the 1st recession nor will it be the last I'm sure. Also as far as groceries, try to price shop at different stores. I would go to Walmart for some things, food lion, and get my meats at another store. Sure it takes a lot of time to do that but it did save quite a bit. Take Care :o)

First, understand that he needs time to recharge. He's taken a big blow losing his job, so if he takes a little down time between sending resumes out, it's not such a bad thing. One of the keys to his job search success will be maintaining an upbeat attitude and that can be one of the greatest challenges when you've been laid off.

Rather than getting on his case about chores, maybe sit down on the weekend with a list of what needs to get done that week and see how you can divvy it up. My husband is a total neat freak and it drives me crazy when he gets condescending and controlling about what I do (and I do most of it, so I'm even more irked). However, when we talk about what needs to get done collaboratively, all goes so much better.

Second, encourage him to get in with a temp agency right away. What is his skill set? There are temporary opportunities today in all sorts of fields, from manufacturing to accounting to medical. He can bring in some income while he continues his search. He'll also keep his resume current. Added bonus is that many temporary staffing firms also offer full-time placement services.

Best of luck to you! I know things are tough now, but I also know the job market is picking up. Just look at the quarterly results at staffing firms and you'll see they're doing much better than last year.

Many people don't know it, but working at a simple auto parts store is still more than unemployment and you can apply online. AND usually there's some overtime involved if willing. All you need is a drivers license and suck it up for awhile until something better comes along... But it is a paycheck.

As far as the stress stuff goes... Just walk away to breathe, come back and talk about it when both of you are calm.

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OMG!! Are you me?!?! My husband was doing the same thing and was out of work full-time for 4 months. And then he got a full-time job that paid less than half of what he was making before. Monday he starts a job that is a good raise, but he has to drive about 2 hours each way (bad, but it's still a job with the income we need). I didn't think we would make it through, honestly. Check some of my posts because there are some good things in there to help get through. I got to the point that I resented him. He still played ball. Even though I knew he needed his breaks, it still wasn't fair. In my eyes I was working long days and coming home to a dirty home and kids that were stuck inside all day. But he was sending resumes out all day long. Do your best to keep calm. Something will come through, it never stays tough for forever...but if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me and I'll give you my email/number. This is EXACTLY what we just went through. And we still aren't out of the woods. We made it through, but barely. Hang in and I'm praying for you guys!!!!

I have been in the "jobless" position for over a year, and I was the bread winner. It was a total blow to my ego when I started looking and interviewing and not getting a job quickly. It is so hard right now and your BF is depressed and stressed out. Also take it from someone who out of the 100's of resumes I sent via the internet I got ONE interview from them. All my other interviews were through recruiters or referrals from friends. Have him contact at least 3 recruiters. They will do the footwork and when BF does interview they will get the feedback and let him know how it went. That's the other part. He will and I have had GREAT interviews and they didn't pick me or have the decency to call or e-mail to say I wasn't a good fit. Also tell him to call friends and open an account on LinkedIn. That is a site for professionals who can connect and possibly get a job through the connections he makes. It is an employers market and they can interview 100's of people for one position , take their time and low ball the salary. I'm the cranky one as it can be very depressing searching and getting no response. You are his support, yes he should help around the house and do his fare share, but NO and I mean NO you can not hound him. This will make him shut down and you two will argue over stupid things. When I lost my job my hubs was an SAHD. So NO income. I did 1/2 of everything just to keep busy and try to stay above the depression. My hubs waited 6 months to look for a job, and found one finally. It pays 1/4 of what I used to make and my unemployment is running out. But we are all healthy, knock on wood, we have eachother and a roof over our heads. My marriage which has always been good has gotten better because I feel the support from my hubs, who tells me every day that the right thing will come along. And I need to hear that. 3 months is nothing, when the average american now is waiting 9-12 months for a job that is beneath their skills. Hold strong and make a plan with your BF, you'll feel better once you have a routine till he finds a job. Best of luck to you both!

we have been going through a very similar thing. It's hard to have a happy home with so much stress and it's hard to not be short-tempered. What really helped us, if you haven't already, was to sit down with the bills and take a cold hard look-- what do we need to cover our basic expenses each month, what do we owe, what do we have coming in?
Because I was taking care of the bills, my husband didn't really understand how serious our situation was/is and after we laid it all out there he got much more motivated. Then you have to (HAVE to) let go of what you can't control. You really can only do your personal best and staying up all night worrying gets destructive.

BUT I have to say it sounds a little like your guy is pulling the "male ego" card to get out of pulling his fair share. When do stay-at-home moms get to sit around playing video games or going fishing, ever? Do you complain about feeling like "less of a woman" because you're working? When you're the only one working he needs to be doing ALL of the housework and child care so you can put all of your effort into keeping the family afloat! His man parts will not shrink.
Perhaps roll that into the "budgeting" talk-- help him plan the meals for a week-- "what are we going to eat this week? What do we need? Lentils?" with the assumption/implication he'll be shopping and making these meals. Tell him what he needs to know about the washing machine and the kids' lunches, etc. Don't talk to him like his mother, talk to him like he's a competent and trusted co-worker, like you would want him to talk to you if he was explaining something you needed to know but didn't know much about.
Times are very tough but we moms have to buck up ad keep rolling.. because there really isn't any another choice, is there?

Why are you living with someone you are not married to? He is less of a man-and it's not because he lost his job-he didn't step up and marry you. You are right about one thing-"a penny saved is a penny earned".