How to Not Feel Uncomfortable Around Mother in Law

I used to feel that way around my MIL...then I realized her son chose me and she didn't have to like it, but we are in love and married...and won't continue to fight over her.

I am me...and once I started to be me, she started to respect me more. It also helped that my husband started to respect me more around her and stop putting her on a pedastool every time she came around.

Will your husband stand up for you when she says things that make you feel bad? Can you stand up for yourself, and then try to dismiss it in your own mind?

Example:
Mother-in-law: H. must be too busy to get much cleaning done.
H.: I do clean when I can, but it's more important to me to spend time with my kids than to have a perfect house.
Mother-in-law: Well, I just worry about them tripping on things.
H.: Thanks for your input. (repeat as necessary)

and then do NOT engage in an argument. Her comments are *her* problem... you make the choices that work for you and you should feel fine about it. It would be nice if your husband could tell her to lay off as well.

Is it just personality difference or mean things she says? I have to be so careful as a mother in law since the in laws didn't grow up with me and understand how I say things always. I'm sure it works both ways though. I have been very uncomfortable around some of the in law kids until we understood each other. Could you talk to her about it or to your husband? She may not mean to make you feel that way at all.

I'm with you...but my question is, is she making these comments on purpose?

My MIL does that, too - but she honestly just doesn't think before she speaks. She really, really doesn't. She doesn't mean to be snarky, but she doesn't realize how things sound.

"It's a shame you don't have a basement. Then at least you could confine all the mess to one room."
"Don't worry if your car is cluttered. It's just an extension of your house."
And my most recent favorite, when she picked up the kids to take them to the park, and my DD asked if I was going, too, she replied: "No, it looks like your mommy has a lot to do at home."

Really, it's gotten to the point where it's funny. Though it's mostly funny because I know she doesn't really mean it. Well, she probably means it. She just doesn't intend to BE mean.

I found it really helped me to ask my husband about it, and how is your relationship with your father in law? Or with your husband's aunts, if he has any? It might help to know if she does this to everybody, or just to you. If it's everybody, you might be able to chalk it up as she is just "that" person, and with any luck, start finding the humor in it, too. If it's just you, then by all means, excuse yourself from her company as often as possible. And with other people having admitted to you that she singles you out, you will get major brownie points with the family for avoiding her instead of snarking right back. (And even bigger brownie points when you DO spend time with her!)

H., could you please be more specific?

Is this behavior a roll over from when she used to live with you? And how did the move to the other daughters house go? And how is your baby handling being cared for over at the other house? Etc, etc...

We all need to learn what healthy boundaries and expectations are in relationships. Your MIL sounds very integrated into all of your lives, more so than most. Try to look at her intent to be helpful as genuine, rather than trying to improve you somehow.

Can you give a few examples? It will help us offer ideas.

WIthout any examples, here are some thoughts - the big thing is only you can control your feelings. You can decide to be polite and not expect yourself to have strong mushy feelings for her. That's ok. It would also help if your hubby is on the same page as you, and politely puts her in her place (privately to avoid embarrassing her) if she disrespects you in front of him. If you feel you might be able to talk to her, maybe even approach her directly with how some things make you feel - not a blaming place, but an "I want to fix this because I love your son" place.

I love Linda's "thanks for the input" response. Some MIL's take no longer being the #1 woman in their son's life way too hard. I think they want to hold on to having some power/input, whatever. It's stupid, but it happens. Do your best to take it with a grain of salt.

Here are some sentences to say to her when she says ugly things:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"That's an interesting point of view."

"Hmm..."

"Would you look at the time...Gotta go - I'll see you later."

If you leave when she says ugly things, and if your husband goes with you, she will learn that if she wants to see her son, she has to behave. Your husband needs to be onboard with this and see it through. It might be hard for him at first, but it will make your relationship as a couple stronger, and it will make the family relationship better too.

Don't let her bring out the worst in you. You don't have to pay attention to her rude comments. They are meant to show you that she is the "queen" of the family and that she wants you to be subject to her. You don't have to be. But instead of arguing with her, instead, use these sentences, (Amom2's sentences as well) and when it reaches a certain point, you and your husband go home.

Good luck,
Dawn

The comments only hurt if YOU think they are true. Other than that, every time she says something that makes you feel uncomfortable, counter act it with something nice.

Ex: MIL: You always bake your casserole the wrong way
You: Thanks for the compliment.

MIL: Why do you always wear that outfit, it makes you look fat
You: I actually like this outfit.

MIL: You don't do it like that
You: What is your suggestion for doing it right. Thanks, I would love for you to do it then.

She can't make you feel bad about yourself.
Remember that.
She is snarky.
You know that.
Thus, don't take her comments seriously.
And... what does your Husband do about it?

If you could be more specific-I might be able to help you with the comebacks.

Pray for her. -- the ultimate revenge.

MY mil actually made a comment about us not being able to care for my son.. 30 Secs after We told her we were expecting my daughter. She certianly does not think before she speaks.

What helps me is to take the title off. Dont consider her the mil but a person. Just like your neighbor is a person, church members are people/human. Get where I am going with this. When her remarks make you feel bad go ahead and react like you would with anyone who would say something that makes you feel badly.

My fil would comment on my husbands trophy animal collection or dirty the fans were. My own mom would also comment on things like I need to organize my closets.

My personality was to allow things to build up then have an angery outburst. With my mom I finally figured out she needed something to do. She dose not enjoy just gathering and enjoying eachothers company. Looking back this makes holidays much clearer on what she was really doing. When she visits our house is always upside down with her projects after they leave. I finally figured out it wasnt anything in our house bothering her she just needed something to DO.

While I havent figured out my fil issues are other than his disaproval. But I treat him like I would anyone who says rude things. Some times he simply floors me. Last yr at Christmas he wanted my hubbs to come to dinner. He was down stairs and it was hard for my fil to walk down and back up. I told him not to worry about it I would go tell him. My husband was working on a toy the fil bought that was taking hours to finish (hubbs got done at 3 am). I came back up and said he will be here in a bit. The fil was upset and wanted to have dinner and made a remark about me not bringing him back up with me. I said he is his own man (the hubbs) and I cannot make him do anything. His responce was "THAT IS OBVIOUSE" and his girlfriend's reaction was one that made me guess they had a conversation about the same topic before. So in that situation no...i have no idea how to respond when people act childish and rude. I think about it and for this Christmas I will tell my fil NO when he asks my husband to put together a toy Christmas Eve. (thats a whole other issue). But all in all react the way you would if a friend/neighbor/stranger were to speak with you in a way that hurt your feelings. you dont have to lash out or defend either.you can calmly ask why they were reacting this way and talk it out!

It depends on what it is shes saying and then if its just you or everyone in the family.
My MIL says whats on her mind all the time. She does things like take a shirt, put her arms in the air and then bring it down really hard in front of you and ends up blowing dust in your eyes. She thinks thats funny and doesn't know why you could possibly be mad. I learned if I don't want to start wars, to ignore her and walk away. Sometimes i just don't say anything and stand right there. A lot of times if you say something back she tries to up you so I just stand there and say nothing. She does this to her own kids to the point they won't talk to her for months. It took me 11 years to figure out how to deal with her.

Don't know if MIL is "mean" to everyone in general, certain people, or just you. I often find taht folks who put down others are suffering from low self esteem, or just want to make themselves feel superior. I don't know if you pray, but when around the MIL it might help to keep in mind that perhaps she is depressed or carrying a burden that you are not aware of (maybe no one knows) and silently wish better things for her.