How to Help My Friend Who Just Lost Her 5 Day Old Baby?

Hi L..
I agree, a heartfelt card just saying how you truly feel will be appreciated. My friend from high school had a daughter that passed away 10 days after birth. We haven't been very close over the years but she appreciated the card I sent. Also, I've sent her several cards since the baby's passing and my friend said those cards were even more meaningful. Even after a month, many people told her that she should be "over it" by now! How awful! It made her feel better to receive a card from me telling her that I was thinking about her and her girls.

All you can do is be there for her to listen, cry on, or just BE. I have neer lost a child but have watched other peope experience the loss. I know when my friends lost her son a year ago it seemed helpful for her to just know the support system was there.

When I miscarried the best thing anyone ever said to me was "I'm sorry" and then gave me a great big hug. Tell her your sorry and tell her if she ever needs to talk you have ears to listen. Simple, plain and to the point.

I had a miscarriage about 15 years ago; I know it isn't the same as losing a newborn. But it still hurt a lot. I had had 4 successful pregnancies and then to lose one was so difficult. Many people just don't understand how much it hurts to lose a baby. I would say let her set the tone for how you support her. For me I just wanted to hold babies and play with babies. It didn't matter if I knew them or not; the empty arms syndrom was so strong. I was at an age at that time that I didn't want to try again; and my ex was totally non supportive. Some women can't handle being around babies and children others can't get enough. Some women can't talk many want to talk. Some women will want to pack up the baby things and lovingly put them away others can't even look at them or enter the room. I would say talk to your friend and see what she needs.
Please offer my condolences and a hug from me.

I would imagine just you being there for her would mean so much, but if you feel you must do more, I think a small token, such as a pair of earrings with the baby's birthstone would be a very nice gesture!

I lost my first child Josephine...it was hands down the most terrible thing I've ever experienced in my life. At the time non of my friends had children, and most were at a loss as to what to do for me. One of my girlfriends just came over to my house for the day and just listend to me sob and truthfull didn't say anything other than she was there for me and loved me. It was hands down one of the nicest jestures I'd gotten.

My condolences go out to your friend and her family.

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear your sad news. I will pray for her and her family too. I agree with a lot of the other messages. A memento may be nice. And your thoughts on paper. I especially agree with the person who said "don't ask if you can do anything, just do it". She suggested food, and I'd also like to suggest other annoying things she won't want to be dealing with right now. Like cleaning, and organizing. And don't be surprised if she doesn't even know what you did for her. Likely she won't know or even realize people ate or that the house needed cleaning. God Bless you for being a good friend, and her too.

I agree with giving a card-heartfelt. You never know how deep your words will touch someone. And to keep sending her reminders of your friendship. A friend of mine lost his daughter-she passed away before she was born. He never even got to meet her. That was so sad(I had just had my son a few months before)-but one of the things that touched him so deeply was a card he received from some family friends. He even read it at the funeral.
Hope this helps-

There are a lot of beautiful cards out there, but more important is your heartfelt, handwritten message inside. Use the baby's name often, and like others mentioned, remember in the future the baby's birthday and heaven day--even just an email to say you're thinking of her. When you've lost a child (or any loved one), after awhile it seems like you're the only one who remembers them, and to have someone else acknowledge them means the world. You may want to avoid talking to her about your own baby for a while, to her it could feel like you're rubbing it in her face even though that's the last thing you would ever do. Don't ask if there's anything you can do--just do it. Food is a good idea because when you're grieving it's hard to think about eating, much less cooking. Don't bother trying to think of something helpful to say, because there isn't anything. Just be there for her. Kudos on being a good friend.

L.,
The responses you have received are perfectly true. My friend lost her teenage son is a drowning accident. She didn't need words, just someone to be there when she was ready to talk. If she has a husband, please be sure he is taken care of, too. Men try to be so strong for their wives, but they are in just as much pain.

i do this with anyone i care about who has lost someone. besides the initial sympathy note or whatever you give. i let a couple of months go by and do it again.

usually the first few days and weeks are so filled with well wishers and help but eventually everyone gets back to their daily lives.

it is then that the real void is realized. no loved one and no constant support.

sometimes the most important thing is knowing that others remember also.

so many people are suprised when i walk up and say-- so how are you doing and they reply fine and i say- well i know its been 4 months now- or this is the yr anniversary... makes them feel good that they arent the only one with memories.

especially one- this couple always put the church activities together and he passed away 2 yrs ago this april. so when we have church activities now i make a point to chat with her and mention an activity i enjoyed in the past that her and her husband had done.

a note, a phone call, a simple flower.

wait a few more months and do it again. and again on the anniversary.

im not suggesting that these are the ONLY times you talk to her but its a good timeline to make sure not too much time goes by between supportive contact.

Just be there. There are no right words. Check out the message on Job at www.eaglebrookchurch.com

I lost my son when he was just about 4 months old. Like everyone has said, just being there is the most important thing you can do. Understand that all people grieve differently and there is no timeline for grief. Listen for times when God is telling you that you should call her - weeks, months, years from now. He will let you know when she needs a boost from you. Talk with her about her little one and what she was like. Help her recall the precious memories that she has. Please don't use the cliches that get used so often ("She's in a better place", "Don't blame yourself", etc.). Even though we know the person's heart is in the right place, those don't mean anything and they feel very shallow. I like the ideas of remembrance jewelry or figurines. I have two bracelets and a necklace that remind me of my little guy. Does she have any pictures of her little girl? If so, you could have one framed for her.

I am so sorry to here about your friends baby.Just be their for her.My daughter also lost a baby and someone sent her a beautiful figurine with Jesus holding the baby in his hands.And The babies name was inscripted on the figurine.Write her,call her,let her vent,whatever it takes to try to help her get through the most terrible moment of her life.And tell her that her baby will live forever in her heart and she will live forever in her babies heart.My prayers are with your friend and her family.

One of my favorite things when I had a late term miscarriage was a remembrance necklace. It said something like "always in my heart" or something. I bought one for my sister in law too, who had lost her baby at 22 weeks. It meant a lot to her and I saw her wear it a lot. I think that would be a nice gesture, with a simple card saying you are so sorry and offering to help or lend a shoulder to cry on.

L.,
What a terrible thing for your friend to go through. I remember well when my brother passed away. The most heartfelt thing for us and especially my parents was the thoughts put into the cards. When someone would write something OTHER than "my thoughts and prayers are with you". If you can also write yourself a note to send her a card on Mother's Day, that would mean SO much to her. People often wonder if it would just bring the pain back, but your friend will be thinking about it anyway on Mother's Day. Also, definitely use the baby's name...it is SO important. A unique gift if you're thinking of something is to get her a tear bottle. You can find them at unique gift shops. They are from ancient times and have a symbolic meaning to them as they "collect tears".

Hi L.,
I am the mother of soon to be six and I have six neices and one nephew. I had custody of one of my neices a few years ago and she passed away in my care. I can tell you the best thing to do for your friend is to make sure she knows you are always there and that she can cll or come to you if she needs anything. I had a friend who came over and helped me around the house as I didn't even want to get out of bed at the time...She just let me cry on her shoulder and sleep in my depression but I was comforted knowing she was there.
Please offer my condolenses! It should never happen to any parent!

I am so sorry to hear of your friends loss, and to any of you Mothers, Grandmothers who have lost children. My heart aches for each and everyone of you. Sometimes there is nothing you can say but to just be there. Her seeing you will give her comfort. We are told in Romans 12:15 to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. My sister lost her son over 15 years ago, and there is not anything worse than to lose a child. May God Bless her and give her peace during this difficult time. Pray for the words to say, but again, sometimes the unspoken words from our hearts speak the loudest!
God Bless you for your compassion!

Tracey

L.-
I asked my MIL who lost a child...call your friend regularly and let her know you care. Remember the "big" dates that Hallmark makes painful (birthday, mother's day...). You just need to call her those days since you're far away from your friend. Sometimes a note in the mail is great, too. My sympathy to your friend!

L.
Just give her a big hug & let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk or cry oh your shoulder.
I've had both a miscarriage & a stillborn. That was 40+ years ago & I still think of them.
A.

L.,

You've received many good suggestions.

One thing I wished had happened for my husband and me was help with sharing the news. There was nothing worse than being at work or at the grocery store and having a well-meaning person say, "Oh, you had your baby!", not knowing what had happened. You said you and your friend were college roommates. Maybe you could make sure that your friend's other acquaintances have heard what happened. Sharing news is not gossiping and it could help avoid a situation that would be very painful for your friend as well as mortifyingly embarrassing for the uninformed party.