How to Handle Pressure from "Bully"

Hi E.,

I agree with Julie S. My son had a friend last year who I thought was a bad influence, but my son considered him his "best friend", so I invited him over for some playdates & it turned out that he had a really good heart, he's just had a really tough 6 years of life. When this boy was at my house, I stayed with him & my son while they played so I could keep an eye on his behavior & explain to him what the rules of our house are & why. He did surprisingly well while in my care, and now shows me more respect when I see him at birthday parties. When the boys played at recess, I would always encourage my son to speak his mind & stand up for what he knows is right. If he chose to follow along in something the other child was doing wrong, I would tell my son he would have to face the consequences of his actions. I would not let him blame the other child for his influence in the situation, because I told my son that he is responsible for his own behavior. This year, I did request that the two boys not be in the same class, because I felt that the other child's behavior was too much of a distraction to my son during class time. The two boys started off this year still playing together at recess, but since they are now in different classes, they are starting to drift apart, and my son considers another boy his "best friend" now. I'm glad that our first experience with a troubled child came at so young an age, because there were some very good lessons that we all learned from it, and hopefully my son will remember to take responsibility for his own actions as he gets older, and will not be easily influenced into more harmful behavior like drinking & drugs some day. I hope some of our experience can help you.

Good luck, and just keep doing the best that you can,
C. : )

Since it looks like they are going to be friends, I would invite the boy over for play dates and start using your influence on him. You could even select a few books or a movie that deal with bullying and basic "right and wrong" issues and then discuss it. You can also monitor their play and interject when you see the child giving your son pressure or bullying him. But you cannot do this without feeling some compassion for the boy... I think it will only work if you have your own friendship with the boy and he develops a fondness for you, then he will want to stay in your good graces and will accept your influence on him.... If it's beyond help, I would be sure to keep the boys in different classes and work on convincing my own son that true friends don't treat eachother like that.

E.,

I am reading you message and I can feel your distress. I can feel how much You really want to support your child.
Did you ask your child how does he feel about the situation ?
In a role play exercise we could have something like:
- Hum, about what happened at school today, I am feeling really concerned. I want to make sure that you are safe.
- I wonder, how do you feel about what happened ?

Give him some time, reflect to him what you are hearing.
Let him explore the situation himself. Trust his greatness and workout an Empowering plan together.

I see this on the play ground all the time. If at all possible maybe you can talk to a yard duty at your school and ask him or her to keep a special eye on this situation. Or write them a note. I am a yard duty and if a parent communicated his or her concern with me I would for sure help out the situation.
Or spend recess at the school yard and watch from the sidelines.
Good luck, I sympathize with you.

talk to the boys mother and father immediately. Be careful not to use words to upset the parents but express concern about your son. If they are unresponsive, get the school involved in a group meeting and if that does not work then ask your child to be moved to a different class. At 6 years old they have little concept of good people vs bad people. Keep talking to your son. Sounds like the other child could use some counseling. If you suspect the other child is being abused at home you can also call cps child protective services. Sometimes kids act this way because that is how they are treated at home.

ask the school if they have any anti-bullying programs/curriculum. Try googling it and see if something comes up for his age. I know there is great stuff out there for older elementary kids, No Fishing Allowed is super one. Your son needs to learn what a friend is/is not. Make a list at home of the things friends do for each other and the things that friends don't do for each other. Friends don't use unkind words, friends don't ask you to hurt other people, etc. in language he is familiar with. Role-play how he should respond to the bully frequently. Keep coming up with new scenarios. Write a book for him that outlines the things he CAN do when someone tries to push him to make a bad choice. Have him read the book every morning before school. He sounds like a good soul who is not quite sure how to respond to this other child so try to give him tools that will empower him. If nothing is working then he needs to be separated from the boy. The playground can be divided in half or your son could "tutor" another child during vulnerable times or help the teacher in some way to break whatever habit they have of playing with each other. He does need you to provide him with tools to deal with bullies because they will always keep popping up throughout his life. You can also ask to have a meeting with the school to problem-solve the issue. Hang in there!

I listen to "Dr. Laura" most days and she would suggest that you enroll your son into a Martial Arts class. This will give your son the discipline he needs to be respectful of someone's "space" and also most important, be able to defend himself. My son is in middle school and had similar circumstances...he stood up for himself and is no longer bullied. Hope this helps...