How to Disipline My 3 Year Old

I lately have had the same problem with my almost 3 year old daughter. Very frustrating. She's testing her control and boundaries. I've tried everything too. 1-2-3, being stern, time out, taking away TV, taking away toys, spankings. Nothing worked UNTIL I introduced the wooden spoon. It's magical. I swat her with the wooden spoon on the thigh once and she hates that. It doesn't leave a mark physically but emotionally I think that's her personal breaking point. Plus using the spoon instead of my hand is a positive thing. Per Doctor James Dobson (author of strong willed child) says it's best to use something other than your hand. This way the child doesn't associate you with the hitting but the spoon. And God forbid if you raise your hand to scratch your head, your child doesn't flinch! How awful would that be?! Don't feel bad about giving a child a spanking if you've tried every other method of discipline. Remember, it's biblically encouraged. Proverbs 13:24 "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." AND Proverbs 29: 15 "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself digraces his mother." I guess I use my spoon as my 'rod'. Good luck and pray for the strength and courage and leadership and PATIENCE! Best wishes.

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E.,
I have read almost all of the responses you received for your request and it seems like you have gotten all the advice you need from one extreme to the other. I wanted to make a point to tell you that you have to do what is right for you and your child. I was very fortunate that I didn't have such issues with my daughter when she was this age because she always knew when I meant business. I grew up with discipline and I have raised her the same. The physical part, with me it is spanking on the behind, is always a last resort, but it is there and she always knew that it was...I have a hard time with "counting down" my child...probably because I watched other mothers do that to their children but then never followed through with a consequence, so what was the point in counting? It didn't get them anywhere. If I may, let me tell you the basics that I feel are important.

1. Set boundaries. For everything, including how she treats you. Be clear about them. "you are not allowed to talk to mommy that way." then ignore her when she talks to you that way. When she tries to get your attention, "are you going to ask mommy nicely?" etc...
2. Be Consistant. You can't let her get away with something once if it is something you never want her to do. It sends mixed signals about what you will and won't put up with.
3. Actions have consequences. If taking things away from her isnt' getting her attention, find something that will. You may find that if you spanked her once or twice you may not have to do it again for a long time (as with my case)
4. Take a time-out. Not for her, for you. If you find yourself getting frustrated and overwhelmed with her, send yourself to your room to calm down before you do anything with her. Never punish her while you are angry or frustrated. Kids like to push our buttons. You are the parent and you have to maintain control. If you let her see how nuts she is making you then she will continue to try to make you nuts...for a period of time.

I read one of these responses that said to get on her level and I'm not sure the the writer meant it the way I'm going to mean it now but let me tell you that I still use this and my daughter is turning 8 in a couple of weeks. I get eye to eye with her, face to face and I talk in a very quiet, stern voice and I tell her that if she doesn't stop (or whatever the situation is) she will not like the consequences. For a 3 year old I would say "you won't like what happens next, I promise"...I can honestly say I don't think I ever was forced to make an actual consequence after doing that to her because at that point she knew (and knows) that she will not get another warning.

So, try a couple of things and see what works for you and your daughter.

Good luck to you and God Bless!
H.

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Hi E. -

Welcome to the three-year-old club! :) Everyone says that twos are terrible, however, with my son, he was definitely at his worst when he was three. He's four now, but sometimes gets into his ornery, stubborn moods, especially when he knows he has an audience (i.e. at the grocery store, the mall, and/or his Mammaw's house, etc.).

His most recent episode was at the Post Office, where we were standing in a rather long, slow-moving line. As soon as people started paying attention to him, (which I knew would happen because what else is there to do while standing in line?), he started acting CRAZY - jumping around, scream-singing, basically the works. My two-year-old, who's her brother's shadow, thought it was hilarious and joined right in. Soon they were both running around the whole lobby and nearly knocking people off their feet. After about one minute of unsuccessfully asking them with an even-tone to come back to me, I dropped my tone very low and got really stern, but that STILL didn't work, so I asked to have my place saved in line and went to plan "C," which ALWAYS works whenever I employ it...I pulled their hair quickly and firmly by their temples and they immediately stopped their mischief.

Knowing I had a rapt audience by that time, I was all too prepared to hear whispers of disapproval, but instead I got some positive head shakes and the man who was standing behind me - a pediatrician I later found out - actually said that was the best way I could've managed that particular situation. He said spanking may have worked too, but who really wants to see kids get spanked in public? - it's embarrassing for the kids as well as for those around who are forced to watch. The doctor went onto say that a quick tug on the hair by their temples or at the napes of their necks not only stops bad behavior immediately in young children, but makes them more open to listening to what you have to say because they are effectively restrained and in control of their own pain levels. Hair pulls are usually my plan "B" at home (Plan "A" being always a fair warning), and up until that day, I was always reluctant to use this technique in public because of my fear of judgment, but I won't be wary any longer. This method is quick, discreet, effective, and most importantly, it doesn't inflict any long-term physical damage. If a pediatrician can see the merits of this method, then I can too.

Bottom line, some toddlers respond to reason, but most don't and need more stern discipline. My kids are mostly reasonable, but when they're not, I'm not going to waste time running through a gammit of textbook methods when I need them to stop their behavior immediately to prevent possible harm to themselves or to others (i.e. running out in parking lots, knocking people over in crowded areas, hitting others, etc.).

Blessings to you and yours.

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I hear your pain. My three yr old was in time out about 12 times one day. My husband was telling me I give her too many warnings so she doesn't listen to me. So you have to give them one warning. Stop jumping on the bed, or go to time out. If they do not stop immediately put them in time out. You have to do this every single time. Eventually they figure out momma is not such a push over anymore. Also don't get mad or frustrated. Sometime they act out because they want attention. Any attn good or bad. Act like you don't care so they are not getting a rise out of you. Supernanny uses this approach and I think it works. When they are done explain what they did wrong, demand an apology, and then hug them. My daughter refused to apologize for so long. Stubborn girl! So she had to stay there until she apologized. Good luck.

does she go to child care or pre K

Basically taking away whatever she wants the most is the best way to get her attention. It sounds like she is testing you. You must be consistent. If you tell her something, and she does not respond, you must physically make her respond. Take her away from whatever it is she is touching that you don't want her to touch, make her leave the room so you can't hear her if she won't lower her voice, etc. She is at a very challenging age, but with the right rewards you can usually manipulate the kind of behavior you want, just like finding the right pain (taking something she wants away) will help prevent undesireable behavior. Another idea is, instead of leaving her to her own devices to get into things she shouldn't, plan activities for her to do. Tell her it is time to draw, go to park, etc. Keep her busy, like the old saying goes, idle hands are the devil's workshop.

I've had alot of luck with the book: Parenting the Strong-Willed Child.

I have a 4 1/2 year old boy who does the same thing. At first I thought it was because he was going to pre-k and around different people from school. I spoke with my family and they said its the age. From now until....whenever it is like this. They do exactly the opposite just to test you. I have also tried to punish, time out in the corner and take away toys and there is always something else to go to. I try to ignore the minor things and be very serios with the important ones. I am a stay-at-home mom with a 2 year old and another one on the way. All Boys!!!

We first let her pick some toys she no longer wanted and brought them to good will. I told my daughter that if she couldn't behave, we were taking her toys to good will. We then started taking her favorite toys from her and gave her the option of earning them back. Then we started a listening chart. She earns stickers for good behavior and when she fills it, she gets a prize. She now tells me she wants to be a goo girl and earn her stickers. Don't get me wrong, everyday isn't great, but we've had improvement.

Three is a really hard time for children. You have probably heard of the terrible twos but the "bad" behavior doesn't really start until three. This is because your daughter is learning more about herself and what her own limitations are. Try praising her when she does something good. Say things like, "I really like it when...", or "I feel glad (happy, excited, etc.) when..." Then name something that she did that made you feel that way. They are called I messages. You can even get her to do it. She could tell you when she feels something by using an I message. They also work the other way around. If she does something that is not ok you could say "I feel sad when..." or " I don't like it when..." The point is to let your daughter know that there are more than just physical punishments when she does something she is not supposed to do.
Also if you give her some power in some situations. This means you should give her choices. If she starts to act up give her a choice (in the beginning you only want to give her no more than two or three choices, too many could cause more confusion and problems). Say for example she doesn't want to wear the clothes you have picked out. Give her a choice of two outfits that are acceptable. Just giving her a little bit of power (withing reason) could help a lot. At this age your daughter is trying to figure out who she is. She has learned a lot so far and is trying to put it all into perspective.
THe best thing for you to do is to just be patient, four is much easier.

E.,

I know exactly what your going through. My four year old has decided that she is in charge over me. I use the Nanny 911 technique. I bought a mat that they use for naps in Kindergarten and we call it the time out map. She has to sit on it for four minutes and can not get up. At the beginning you might have to keep doing it the first few times but be consistent. My problem with my little one is that she is the youngest of four, the oldest being 17 and is spoiled by everyone in the house. My main goal is to be consistant with her on everything. She is great on somethings such as yes ma'm, please and thank you it's just more of the picking up after herself.

I have also learned this from having a fourteen year old daughter, girls are high maintenance, remember we were once girls ourselves. Pick your battles, and fight for the things that are worth fighting for and let go of the things that aren't. Best of luck..

T.

Hi - Have you looked into the "1-2-3 magic" method? There is a video and I think there is also a book. I found it to be effective with my son but he was a little older than your daughter when I started using it. Maybe it will help. Good luck!

Hi, I am J.- my son Joseph will be 3 in November, and we have the SAME problem!! He is outwardly defiant as if he relishes in the fact that he is aggravating us. It can't be an attention issue because we shower him with it. He is an only child, and my husband stays with him while I work (I am a teacher). MAybe he is mad at the fact that I work- who knows? Anyway, I know what you mean- no matter WHAT we do- take toys, put him in his room, yell, ignore, etc...he continues, and it is getting worse! If you find a solution, PLEASE also let me know!

I am so happy to hear about the hair pulling method that is what I do with my 3 yearold I was always worried it would seem mean but it is the only thing that gets her attention and gets her to knock off her bad behavior, I just do a quick tug I do the back though not the temple, but I may try that next time, also I will tell you that another thing that I noticed when I was trying different disciplines was that I wasnt being consistant and that is what was making them ineffective, I would just find one or two and stick with those, I use hair pulling and time out...and my time outs she has a specific corner and she has to put her nose in it for 3 mins...(which she hates cause she cant see what is going on) but I agree with everyone 2 was cake compared to 3!!!! I think they just said the terrible 2;s cause it sounds better.... good luck
S.

I think we all do this, something I am doing now is watching my husband. He can get her to do anything. With some protest, but seriously it works. I think its how we approach it.

I saw something on Dr. Phil that made complete sense, low and behold my parents used this tactic. Make her earn things, if she wants to go to the park, then she has to do...(cleaning her room, taking her plate to the sink, feeding the cats) It is amazing how you can get someone else's kid to do anything, and forget how you do it with your own. I used to be a nanny, and a thing I did whenever we were in a store or whatever I would say hands on your head (or pockets) until we leave the store. I would reward them for what they achieved and take away things when they didn't. I was also reasonable, you are in a toystore...seriously are you going to expect total disapline. Pick your battles, because it could completely wound you up otherwise. Also look into making charts, for daily activities (she is old enough to understand pictures so be discriptive in these carts) and chores. Gold stars or sticker for every achievement, sad face for unfinished goals. (but always give her a chance to catch up, if she is wanting to do so)
Also consider her surroundings and activities in the time frames, I would take note of times she is acting up...is she hungry, tired, or bored. Try this for a week. You'll see a pattern. I would also introduce a quiet time in the bedroom if she isn't napping anymore. Hannah is in her room for no less than an hour everyday. This is your reward!! So take advantage of it. Coffee break, tv or naps for you. I would at first set up the baby monitor so you can hear her. Also reward yourself for a job well done, in the times it happens...doing something fun together or by yourself. This too will pass, but by that time, you will have order in your house.
Good luck! Jen

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PositiveParenting-Discipline - THE best group you'll ever joins. She sounds like a typical 3yo - have you read "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline"? Awesome book!

Try to get down to her level and make her look at you in the face. Give two warnings with a consequence and always follow through eventually it will work. The whole time out thing is about isolation it should be done for 1 minute per yr of age. These are just things I've seen in books and NANNY 911 LOL. I have found that they work most of the time but my little girl is stubborn and there are sometimes you gotta just whoop their butts and call it a day. Hope this helps.

My daughte is the same way, the best thing I have found so far is to take her favorite toy, book, etc away. I tell her she can not have it because of whatever it was she did.

There are some tried and true methods that are useful. One of them is called "When/Then"---example: "When" you clean up your toys "then" you can have your snack. It's the "work before play" method- it's not bribary, we don't use m&m's (just the next thing you were going to use anyway). It simple set up that your child does what you want first then they get to do the fun stuff.

The other is called "The Rule is..." and it's very simple. You just state the rule of your household prefaced with "The rule is". example- The Rule is...we sit on our bottoms when we eat. For some reason it works!

YOu might want to study up on child development a little bit. Children go through predictable patterns of calm and disequallibrium at different ages. They are busy doing "developmental" homework. It makes it easier for a parent to know what to expect next and have more patience in knowing that it is just a normal phase.

I have a 3 year old daughter and some days can be trying. They are still so little and have to be shown (not just told) what is the right thing to do.

I have 4 young children and two of the four are like that. What I have learned to do is to make my demands on them very limited. I found I was constantly telling them something to do or not do. It gets very tiring and I was annoying myself! don't, don't, don't... and I think they just started to ignore me. I had to find another way to organize their time, set all the ground rules first (get it out of the way) and play with them more in unstructured time (no rules needed). Put love equity in the bank and then when it came time to ask something of them they listen.

Some children are just more strong willed then others.
(NO one likes to be told what to do all the time, its just a matter if they stand up to you or not)

My advice is to set up your day so she already knows what she has to do and you don't have to tell her every step of the way. Also be sure to reward her with lots and lots of hugs when she cooperates with you and praise her on how she is such a good helper. Make it super silly so that she will look forward to it. Show her how listening allows you to be able to have more fun time together.

It is soooooo much more enjoyable then fighting for control and she will want to listen to you when it is necessary.

Continue to be blessed!
A.

Hi there,
I know it is really hard to get thru to the younger ones especially at that age:) Have you've ever seen Nanny 911??? She suggested using a step or a "bad" chair in the house to let them know anytime they acted up they would have to sit on it times there age so your daughter is 3 so everytime she acted up she would sit on the chair for 3 minutes and of course they will get up but you just keep putting them back on the chair.... My 3 year old is very stubborn and thinks she is the boss of everything and everyone but when she does bad I show her my hand like I am going to flick her but she straightens up real quick. I have yet to do it she is just afraid of what could happen now my 20 month old son just looks at me, smiles and will get flicked, that wouldn't bother him at all so obviously that wouldn't work for him...so every child has a different technique to help them thru their trouble stages.... I have yet find one for my son oh and there is an AWESOME booked call Creative Correction by Lisa Whelched I seen at my dentist office, it's a christian based book on many different disciplinery actions....I plan on buying in next payday:):) Good luck and never give up:):)
J.

Hi E.,
The only thing I have to add to all the wonderfull advice is sometimes it is not just our children. I find in my family, especially with my 5 year old daughter, that if I am off (tired or stressed) she is harder on me. Their sense of perception is remarkable. I am usually very disciplinary so when I notice that I am not getting the results I need, I change my tactics, I go from very strict to more fun and loving and this really works. It is a reminder to me that my kids are only kids and need less structure, less organization and less restrain sometimes. At these times, being silly and a lot of praise gets you places that no time out has ever gotten us. In other words, balance things out and don't be afraid to experiment new ways in doing things with your children.

Dr. Thomas Phelan's Magic 1-2-3. My two year responds to this method very quickly. He has made discipling quite simple. Above anything else, when your child is doing something she should not do, count; that's one, that's two and that's three. After that, control yourself not to talk or show any emotion (which is very hard to do) and put her in time out. She realizes that what ever it is, gets to you by either talking too much to her or showing too much emotion. The fact is, toddlers are extremely bothered by the inferiority complex. They want to do what you or anyone else does and want to be you. So when they cannot it makes them act out. She may be ignoring you because she knows it drives you nuts! I have the CD's and have studied the method before I actually used it and it really does work. Hope this helps!

BTW: This was recommended to me by a child school counselor who also works with special needs children.

I want hear what suggestions you get! Wish you well E.!

S.

I wish there was an easy answer to this question, for I struggle with this too! My 1st born is a few months over 3 and boy is he strong willed and ornary! My latest attempt is picking his top offenders for which he will be banished to the naughty spot for for 3 minutes (in his case - aggressive words or actions towards me, my husband, or his younger brother). It must be followed through at the first offense, otherwise, they will learn that they do not have to comply the first time...you've already warned how many other times before, they know they are not suposed to do it. For everything else, we are trying removal...taking the toy away, leaving the playground immediately, whatever...this is also accompanied by a very simple explanation in a low non-aggressive tone. We made the mistake of spanking when his behavior became atrocious and I highly DO NOT recommend it. In our sons case, he took that as an "ok" to hit also. obviously, not acceptable, especially with younger siblings, and now we are having to re-train. we have been working at our new method for about 4 days now and so far so good. the key is consistancy. One falter on the adults part and the child regresses. hope this helps a little. good luck

Hi E.,

Are you getting down to her level, looking her in the eye and sternly saying "I told you not to touch it. If you touch it again, I am going to...Do you understand?" My 3 year old doesn't listen unless I have her complete attention.

For punishment, it's usually a take-away, "If you don't listen to me, then, we aren't going to the playground; the store; to Chuckie Cheese, etc. Mommy is telling you NOT to do this because: it's dangerous, it might get broken, or you might get hurt...Do you understand?" MAKE SURE THAT SHE ANSWERS. Keep repeating until she does.

My daughter is very sociable, and hates to be banished to her room, so I make her go there to be alone until she apologizes or expresses remorse. (Usually just a few minutes, unless it's naptime and then she wakes up more agreeable.) She still has to tell me that she will behave, before I let her out. Be consistant.

Hope it helps. Strong willed children need strong parenting.

You are dealing with a strong willed child all the way and I'm sorry, but talking isn't gonna work and u know this. My 2nd is also...Honestly, I have found that they need to see you are in control and worthy of respect. If your getting supper up set or emotional then she knows that she has power. With mine, I try to give love and special time especially since she's one of three. This helps it seems, but I also do not give choices because agian, that gives control. They other thing is picking my battles and follow through. I'm the mommy and the whole house will not be crazy due to hear...just ain't happening! When she is having really bad days then she spends a lot of time alone in her room and that is hard, but there are five in the family and we all have to give. Thats my 2 cents!

I think that the 3's are more terrible than the 2's. My daughter was the same way. What u have to remember is that children need lots of direction. If u tell her not to touch something & she does, then pick her up & move her away from that object. Redirect her. And while u are redirecting her very calmly tell her she has to listen to & mind Mommy. If she talks loud,show her how to talk softly. Say talk like Mommy is talking. Practice talking softly with her. Also practice calling her name & having her look at u. Make a game out of it. Behavior is learned & u can teach her to listen & mind u. A child at that age is not going to do what u tell them to do unless u show them. It won't get better overnite, but with patience it will. If she senses that u are upset then she is going to act out more. Anytime I'm having a bad day, my daughter starts acting out. I have to stop & redirect myself in order to get her where she needs to be.

I agree with Heather D. I found that I was yelling entirely too much. The whole family was stressed out. So I started following through. I found that there were certain things I shouldn't give any more warnings for because she obviously knew it was wrong (ie.. she'd see me look at her and try to cover up what she as doing) There was one rough day of constant discipline, but then we understood eachother. It takes a lot of energy to be consistent. It isn't fair to her to let something slide one second and then punish it the next.
I take time outs too... and when she is in time out, she's in an imaginary bubble. I don't reward her with any attention until it's over. I have actually sent her to her room when she is pouting. I usually tell her in a calm, matter-of-fact tone "If you want to pout, you can do it in your room and come back when your done"
sometimes she takes me up on it, and other times she decides it isn't worth it and cheers up.
Best of luck
H. H

Hi E.,

I agree with who ever mention "strong willed". I have two children a 5 1/2 year girl and 2 1/2 year old son. My daughter is also a "strong willed" child. Boy - I'll tell you this is only the beginning. Even at 5 1/2 it's daily effort to be consistant as a parent. We have found that being consistant is the best way to handle our "strong willed" child and at the same time, it's also ALOT of work on your part. I'vd done alot of reserch to find out what was going on. Was it me, was it her - I was looking for any answer I could find. I thought for sure I was going to loose my mind in the beginning. Things like time out, taking things/toys away, yelling, threatening, spanking (which i'm not proud of) didn't make a difference. I just couldn't figure it out. Thankfully I found a book that really helped. It helped confirm things that we were already doing, and also suggested new things/ways to handle or prevent "situations". It has been tremendously helpful to our family.

Setting Limits with Strong Willed Child
by: Robert J Mackenzie, ED.D

I really liked this book because all the information seemed "sensible & realistic" to me without yelling and spanking.

Good Luck - Having a strong willed child is a wonderful quality that you hope your child has when they get older, unfortunately, as a toddler & preschooler (not sure about the teen age yet )being strong willed is a way of LIFE not just a phase.

A.

this sounds so familar my nephew who is 3 will be 4 in nov has very big disapline problems due to lack of it at home now on the flip side i still have these problems with my daughters haha i'm sitting here at 1 am fighting with my 3 yr old to go to bed with disrespectfulness with my girls ie MOMMY GET ME A DRINK! i calmly tell them that mommy doesnt respond to that and when you think you can ask mommy nicely we will talk that seems to work for that but thats the only one that i know of that works the rest i have yet to figure out lol

Oh my goodness, My son is the same way. He apologizes sometimes if I tell him " you hurt mommys feelings when you dont listen or when you yell" I tell him you have to behave and be a good boy.
I do see improvement after sending him to the coner, I think it just takes time. I also need some tips on disipline.

I recommend reading anything by John Rosemond. She talks about not getting upset and being a loving dictator. He is also a firm believer in "lowering the boom" which means, making the consequences so big earlier in the discipline process, that the child really never wants that to happen again. He is not into physical punishment but rather, rewards and take-aways. I highly recommend his books.

Good luck!