How to Deal with the Other Parent

Please know your stepdaughter does not understand your reasoning. All she knows is when she gets home,from what you
described, a disappointing visit with her mother, she has
another disappointment. (not having the same as your 2 children.) She equates that as not measuring up to your
"real" kids and she probably doesn't feel loved the same.
From what you say, she's probably not with a mother that dotes
on her and a mother that only wants to see her daughter 3 times a year, I doubt there is a strong bond. She needs to
know when she gets home how much you missed and shower her
with as many gifts as you gave your kids. It's not her fault
she wasn't there to share in the holiday with you. She has no control over that, but you do in the way you handle her
belated holiday with you. Please don't make her feel an outsider.

Good luck and God's blessings with your family
P. S

I would have santa, the easter bunny, etc. leave her goodies at your house and when she gets home, she can enjoy them and you and dad can watch her enjoy them. As for the clothes, I would send her extra clothes so she won't have to keep wearing dirty ones. I might not send her nicest and newest, but if something comes back that a good soak in oxyclean can't get out, oh well they can become play clothes. Your step-daughter probably feels like a step-child/outsider during these times. It isn't her fault her mom is a loser. What I am saying I guess is that you shouldn't let your dislike (no matter how fitting it is) to color these situations. Good thing she has what sounds like a gtreat dad and step-mom in you.

Have the Easter bunny, Santa, ect. visit your house and when she comes home she'll have surprises. Send clothes anyway. Buy some "mom" clothes keep them in her "mom" suitcase and when she goes to moms at least she has some clean clothes. Don't dwell on what her "mom" doesn't do for her, concentrate on what you can do to make her life more normal and easier on her. Give her a solid safe place to come home to and when she is older, she won't want to leave it. That poor baby, how confusing things must be for her. Let her know that she can always count on you and that she can trust you.
N.

I would definitely make sure that you or your husband have the same types of gifts waiting for her when she gets home. Definitly take her to see the Easter bunny and santa prior to her going to her moms. I would make it a family trip. I would pack outfits in individual bags with my daughter before she leaves. She is old enough to help you. Put each day's outfit together including socks, underwear etc. Label each on for the day, and she should have no problem changing her outfit. Pack play clothes. My concern would be that she has a clean fresh outfit for each day. Good luck, this is a very diffifult situation and I wish you the best.

If you want to treat your step-daughter as your own, you would send enough clothes for the time she is with her mother, tell her mother that she should just enjoy her daughter while she has her and not worry about the laundry... because you can do it when she returns; you would have gifts for the appropriate holiday she is gone waiting for her when she returns "HOME". Her mother is not going to do these things because YOU are the mother now. Treat her like she is your daughter... and don't expect her mother to do any of those "motherly" things because she hasn't in the past and probably won't in the future.

I am in sort of the same spot. I have 4 "kin foster" children that we have custody of. When any of them visit with their birth mothers, I just send play clothes. If I send any of their good clothes, they come back stained. I also use Oxiclean to soak their play clothes when they come home. The suggestion on packing up sets is a good one. When you let your daughter help do this, it gives her control and she will be more likely to use them every day. My children have clothes that they use only when they go to visit. I always have to wash them when they get home as one of the moms is a smoker. By sending enough clothes, I don't worry if she gets them clean.As far as Easter and Christmas, I always buy as if the child is at our home. If your child were visiting anyone else, wouldn't you do that anyway? It is so hard for a child to feel left out when others in the home aren't. It isn't her fault ( or yours) that her birth mother doesn't care enough to do it for her. One day ,the birth mother will regret how she has treated this child. By treating her as your own, you will rewarded when your daughter realizes the differences in the 2 homes. I have had my DGD (13yo) for 6 years and she tells me now that I am more of a mom than her own mother is to her. Of course, I still get the "you aren't my mom" occasionally but then get an apology after she cools off.I tell everyone I have 10 children in all,just at 3 different times. My youngest by birth is 25 now. The youngest at home now is 6.Hang in there. Many of us out here will be praying for you. I know it is a hard situation to live through. If you need to talk . my number is ###-###-####. M.

I agree with the other responses. Have her a few outfits that she only wears at her moms--and if she lets them get stained, that can be the mom's problem bc she will be dirty there anyway it sounds like. And have a little surprise for her when she gets home. LIke just say--when the Easter Bunny came, he left this for YOU!! :) I know it's hard but you can't change the mom! Wouldn't it be great if you could though!?! Good Luck! :) C.

I would say don't deal with the other parent, but with your stepdaughter. Give up any expectations of what her birth mom does but do everything to have her feel loved and welcomed back home without a negative word about her mom. She'll figure it out when it's time for her to figure it out. Withholding an Easter basket or Christmas stocking will only make her feel like an outsider and accentuate her loss. Keep remembering that it's about the child, not the adults.

You should do the same for all three of your children. If you think that your step daughter doesn't notice the difference think again. Don't punish her for having a crappy birth mother. Show her the magic of the holidays when she returns to your home. It's not a fair situation, but remember she has nothing to do with who gave birth to her. You only get to go through childhood once so make sure hers is the best that you can make it. Don't put it on the "mom" that she only sees maybe 3 times a year, since you know that she won't make it special. You are in fact her mother. So please act like it.

I agree with Pat S. It's not her fault and her mother sounds like a winner. Your husband should be stepping up to the plate and either not allow her to go for holidays the mom won't accommodate or provide the child with pleasant memories for the holidays. I am a step mom of two and it doesn't matter if their mom showers them with gifts, we buy them gifts anyway and have our own holiday. As for the clothes, the child is almost old enough to pack a bag for her and tell her to change her own clothes. Just don't send the expensive clothes! Remember, while this woman probably makes you want to pull your hair out, it is not the child's fault. You will be the one she relies on as she grows older. Good luck!

You should always have something for her at your house. Even if she does get something from her mother. She needs to feel that your house is her home, and if Santa and the Easter Bunny visit everyone else at your home and not her it undermines her sense of security that it is her home too.
Just my two cents.

This is just my opinion, but I would express all your feelings about the situation to you husband, and ask him to talk to his ex-wife about them. Have him communicate the issues to her and ask her if she can make more of an effort to do the things your asking. Do it in a respectful manor and try to compromise. Have her see your points of view, and ask her for her feedback. Try to avoid blaming her or attacking her so-to speak, or you'll just get a defensive response that won't really solve anything. But if I were you I would try to stay out of it if possible, unless you and the ex are on really good speaking terms. Otherwise, if they are minors things that you can fix, then maybe its easier for you to just fix them if its only 3 times a year. Like, if its christmas presents then just have a few extra for her when she gets home, if you know the mother won't be getting her anything and regarding the clothes if you don't want your stepdaughter wearing the same stained clothes, go to a thrift store a pick out a few things to send her with!! Good Luck!

I don't think that you are wrong for thinking that, however you need to accept it and move on. You can not control other people's actions and if I were you and I knew that she wasn't going to get anything, I would be the hero and when she got home I would celebrate with her. The day that you celebrate isn't important, it's about the memories that you make with your step daughter. As far as the clothing thing is concerned, I too am very concerned with stains, etc. however I would send her with what I call "play clothes". Those are the clothes that my son is allowed to wear to play in the dirt, etc. I just wouldn't send nice clothes, but I would send something! And again, I wouldn't say anything, because I don't believe that anything positive or constructive would come from it. Again, although it is difficult, be the bigger person and don't let these small issues become big ones.

That sounds very frustrating! Yes, you would think her biological Mom would do those type things with her daughter. What I would do in your situation is turn it around into a positive for her. You know she isn't getting that kind of attention/pictures/special things,etc... with Mom. I would schedule an afternoon or a day with your Step-Daughter, just you and your Step-Daughter or you and your Husband and your Step-Daughter. You could go to see Santa or the Easter Bunny,etc... This way she will get this special time with you all and your other children could go to other family or stay at a friends house or a sitter. This way she won't feel left out and will have pictures and memories of these times. Another idea is to have her Father go do these type things with his Daughter and make it a Daddy/Daughter afternoon or day.

As far as the clothes, you could write a letter to Mom asking for her to wash the clothes. You could see how she handles the letter and your request. If your Daughter is old enough, maybe she could help her Mother wash her clothes when they get dirty. Or, you could let it go and take care of the clothes when she returns. I'd liked the idea of giving her play clothes or clothes that aren't special. This way you don't have to worry about the stains and getting them clean. You could always buy some at Garage Sales and keep those clothes in a bag just for when she goes with her Mom to stay. If Mom needs special clothes, then have her tell you ahead of time so you can pack them. Good Luck!

I am in the same boat, but like another Momma said "you have to accept it and move on" or it will eat at your soul. I hate that the real "mom" doesnt do for her child, but its not the childs fault. So here at our home, I do everything for my step son and its all equal across the board whether he is here or not. Santa comes early every year so we all are waking up to Santa as a family and the Easter bunny will make a special trip next weekend to our house so we can hunt eggs again. Its just what we have to do for him. Our girls are learning thats the way it is and my step son is growing up knowing that he can count on us and has a safe place to fall here with us. They will grow up and realize what we've done for them and be thankful. I just know it.
As for the clothes, we dont send nice things over and thats it. Since it wont change, we just have to move on and realize thats the way it is.

Best of luck