How to Deal with Parents Who Criticize My Own Parenting Skills?

If you are living rent free with your parents with your children and not contributing in addition to not getting along with your own parents and your husband is AWOL.....you are in the position of being a "freeloader".

If your husband isn't able to take care of you and your children (here or if you returned to Europe), you can't make amends with your parents, and you can't take it any longer, pack up the minimum belongings and go to the local shelter. There you will have comfort, piece of mind and if you want some job training, they will help you.

Your husband is unable to help you, you are now the head of your family and you must step up and take charge.

Blessings.....

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I'm totally sorry about your situation. I kind of believe "you can't go back home". (Not that it's not great to visit for the holidays or something, but you can't go back to living there without picking up the angst and same roles again....them telling you what to do, because you are their kid and living under their roof....if you were living elsewhere and doing well, it'd be easier for them to see you as an adult and would be less likely or less able to treat you like their kid).
That said.....what is YOUR definition of a freeloader? It's a hurtful word. But to most people, yeah......a freeloader is basically someone who lives off others, without doing their part (whether that is real or perceived), causing bad feelings from someone that feels they're being taken advantage of. Why on earth would going "home" where you were before, where your husband is, where your family would be whole, not be a good thing to do? What is bad about it? What led you to make the decision to come here, stay here with no job, home, prospects, or evidently not even a support system? You don't have to answer those questions to us......but ask and answer these things for yourself to help yourself figure out what to do. I suspect there are a few things we don't know, and therefore we aren't in a position to give you good advice.

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I have a feeling there are a lot of details to this story that we don't know...and we dont' even need to know them...but it is hard to give really specific advice when we aren't sure of some things.
Why is your husband waiting in Europe to get a green card? Doesn't he need to be here in the States to get a green card? I don't understand all the ins and outs of the system so I may be totally wrong.
Is the goal for him to come here and all of you to be together as a family again?
My husband and I allowed our daughter to come home and live with us after being out on her own for about 5 years....she was pregnant at the time and delivered her baby while she was living with us. I loved having her here and of course ADORED having my grandson here but I can honestly tell you that it caused a lot of tension and stress here in the house. Everything from eating habits to how much cleaning she was going to be doing as part of the family. She is back with our grandsons Daddy now...and seems to be doing well..but my husband and I have agreed that it just doesn't work out very well to have adult children move home again.
You are living in your parents home...you are not contributing to the household expenses, it sounds like, unless your parents are fairly well off this is putting quite a strain on their finances. I agree with one of the other Moms that you might consider finding a job in a day care center where you can bring your children along...and still be making some money to have to contribute to the household.
If that doesn't work...I see no reason why you couldnt apply for state aid and get some help with child care expenses so that you can go to work and still have your children cared for without imposing upon your parents.
Good luck to you...I hope your husband is able to join you soon and you are able to move out on your own

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Can you go back to Europe and be with your Husband???

Being here with your parents, is not the 'best' thing to do.
It will affect your kids too.
It already is impacting them, indirectly and directly.
Really not a good atmosphere for them.
Your parents don't seem to want you here... and they say so. Calling you names and being derogatory.

Being away from your Husband, is also really hard... and for the kids.
I imagine they need their Dad?

Is his green card for the U.S. or Europe???
If it is for here, does he not have to be IN the USA and working IN the USA, for it to be processed?
These things can take a LONG LONG time to process.
MONTHS and MONTHS.

Next: how long is your Husband going to be away???
I would think, keeping the family together is more important than your staying with your parents.
Did you tell him how TOXIC it is, being with your parents?
Does he not want, what is best for you and the kids?
I say, go be with your Husband.
And if/when your Husband comes back, is he going to be living with your parents too??? Not a good situation.
They would not want him, there with them, either.
They don't seem to like him at all.

Why do you have to stay here anyway?
I don't understand.
Keeping the family together is more important.

And, what if his Green Card does not go through? Then what? I mean, he is not even in the USA, to process for it or go in to the I.N.S. office to meet with them, per interviews etc.
So, how is his being overseas, best????
To me, that is not gonna help his Green Card application or status.

My Husband is from Europe. I know how these things are.
Processing for Green Cards or Citizenship... takes MONTHS. And you often need an Attorney. Or you can get screwed. It is very complicated.
If your Husband is processing for a Green Card, he probably has to be here, in the USA.
If going out of the country and back to the USA and back and forth, sometimes, they don't let you come back into the USA, because you don't have a Green Card or a travel visa etc.
It is very complicated. Not all situations are treated the same.

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Sounds like you should move back with your husband. Honestly, you are free-loading if you don't have a job and are letting your folks foot the bill.

1 mom found this helpful

Why wouldn't going back to Europe be the best situation?

If I were in your shoes, I'd have moved back. My husband is from Europe and we dream of moving over there... not to his home country, but definitely Europe.

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It can be really hard to move back home, especially after marriage, and even more so with kids. Parents will almost never think we are doing it right. They come from a whole different era and have their own ways of doing things and most of the time they are not up to date on baby raising and think their way was better. Sometimes it is, sometimes not. You are in a tough spot. You arent working, not earning any income, and Im going to assume you dont pay them for the rooms you are using. Possibly not for any food or electricity or water or other things in their house. I guess if they call you a free loader its a rude way of telling the truth. A free loader is someone who gets to hang around and use up stuff, and not pay for it. But it sure isnt the word you want to be called. You might not have much choice moneywise, so be sure to help out with anything and everything possible. Cooking, cleaning, driving, running errands, cleaning the car, keeping the kids out of things, mowing the lawn. bringing in the mail. What a lot to do, but if you can at all, try to make it as if you arent even there and maybe they wont resent you for "hanging around freeloading" off them. If you are paying for things, and helping around the house then you just have to realize that possibly at their age, your parents just wish they had the house to themselves. they might not like the noise, the mess, the laundry, the rooms changed around, and your baby food and toys in the house is just plain annoying to them! As much as they should love you, and their grand kids, its a hard thing to deal with those kids under foot again.So spend as much time away from home as you can, and help out where you can.
I took my son and moved back home to mom and dad when he was 7 and 8 months old. Our house was in escrow and we sold the home we were in so moving to moms with her 5 bedrooms was perfect. I paid every penny of what my son and I needed. I paid the intire electric bill, and for all my and my sons food. I bought $300 in groceries, tp , gas for their car, and stuff I didnt even use, but I heard from my sister later, how our parents were so glad I had finally moved out because I was "draining their bank acct" with diapers and food. I heard how they complained about the electric bill went up $30 those 2 months, but never once did they mention to sis about my handing them $200 for the bill, and the $300 for food. So, its all in what they see, and how they percieve it. Dont take it too hard. But, if there is anyway you can pack up and move back to hubby,, DO IT! good luck. I know how it feels.

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Personally, I would just think about moving back to Europe - this really does not sound like it is working out for you, unless there is a definite light at the end of this long dark tunnel (since you did not mention how long it will be until your husband can join you here).

I went through a similar situation almost 3 years ago - we wanted to move back to my home state after living out east but it meant me living with my mom for 6 months so I could start my new job and wait for our house to be built while hubby stayed behind to try to get temporary work and sell our old house. Living with my mom after years of being independent, with my husband and my own home was way harder than I ever imagined. I appreciate the help she gave, including taking care of my daughter while I was working, but she could be very critical too, of both me and my husband. She also wanted everything done her way in her house, and what I thought really didn't seem to matter. It was like I was 12 again, living under her roof with her rules. Fortunately, it was only temporary, but many times we had our conflicts and often I just had to tell her to back off, hubby working or not working was none of her business, how we managed our finances and ran our home was none of her business, and basically try to establish some boundaries with a woman who had always been a bit of a control freak.

You don't think right now is a good time to try to go back to Europe, but why not? It really does not sound like you have enough of a reason to stay here, and it didn't sound like you had a solid reason for staying here in the first place. Why not just go back to be with your husband until you all are ready to move here together and have your own place?

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I'm sure there is a great deal more to the story than your side of it. Did you have an agreement when you moved in with your parents about how it would be resolved? Was there a time-line? Are you helping around the house? Making any financial contribution for groceries and other costs? Is there enough space for all of you? Are you and your children bringing disruption, noise and mess into your parents' lives? Do you find ways to regularly express your appreciation, and give back? Are any of your parents' suggestions/criticisms valid? Ever?

It is VERY hard to have someone move in and disrupt your life, especially if it's an open-ended situation that is not clearly moving toward a resolution. An adult daughter with two young children would a lot to take on. I allowed a young friend to move into my small apartment when my baby daughter was not yet sleeping through the night. This woman just needed help for "a few days" while she got away from an abusive husband. But she sat around and cried for weeks on end, ate and watched TV (which I hate listening to). She lost her job. She needed me to feed her and care for her 2yo daughter, whom she largely neglected. She never did go to her parents' home as she had originally planned. She finally went job hunting, leaving me to babysit, for free, her terribly distressed and clingy child. She was very touchy whenever I tried to make suggestions.

This went on for over 4 months. I just about went insane by the time I told her she one week to make other arrangements. She immediately found a job and her own place, but I heard plenty of outrage from mutual acquaintances over how 'cruel' I had been to her. She never once thanked me.

I sure hope none of this applies to your situation, in which case, your parents are being terribly unfair and ungenerous.

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If you've been living with your parents for months, and not contributing financially, and your parents did not invite you to live there with your kids under this arrangement, then I am sorry to say that you are freeloading. You and your husband are independent adults. You ought to be living together whether it's here in the US or in Europe. I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear. I don't believe that your parents would want you to go back to work and stick the kids with them. Either go back to your husband, or find a job, daycare and an apartment. Is your husband continuing to support you and the children? It was presumptuous to just assume that you and the kids could just live with your parents.

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Go to the place that is best for you and your children... Go HOME! Your parents have not made it a healthy environment for you or your babies... You need your husband and I'm sure he needs all of you too!

I personally would leave and never look back! Best of luck to you!!!

Updated

Go to the place that is best for you and your children... Go HOME! Your parents have not made it a healthy environment for you or your babies... You need your husband and I'm sure he needs all of you too!

I personally would leave and never look back! Best of luck to you!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I was about to ask all sorts of questions about this green card stuff, but decided against it. So, in reading your note, I think something you might try to do is work at a childcare center or somewhere you can take your children. That way you are working, they are with you but active and your parents are not sitting around telling you what to do. They are, sadly sounding like my parents who really didn't care about what happened with me or my children. Different situation but sounds like similar parents In the meantime if you find that and I know all of it won't be easy, seek out a church or a place of support, and get to know other people. You may find roomates who have similar situations. It's too bad the people who are so important to us can be so cruel.If I lived near you I think I would be able to really help but all I can do is write and let you know I care.

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As the wife of a green card holder -- I think your husband may be misinformed about what he's doing. Please check with the immigration service because he MAY have to be IN the U.S. while waiting for his card application to be approved; I'm not sure but that was the case years ago when my husband had a green card application pending. If he needs to be in the U.S. and is not here, the authorities will not look kindly on his case and that affects you and your kids profoundly. If that's not the case, and he is OK being outside the U.S. during that time, then you should consider going to where he is.

I know that's tough. Some folks here have said "Just go back to Europe," like it's a piece of cake, but I know that much of Europe is extremely expensive for Americans due to exchange rates etc. I sure understand if you and your husband decided it was more cost-effective in the short term for you and the kids to be here, especially if he is the sole breadwinner at this time. However, in some countries in Europe, you may be eligible for more day care etc. than you might be here; depends on the country. Please check more closely into his green card situation and what the social services and benefits would be if you moved back to where he is. You also should check your own immigration status in whatever country you are in, so you don't run up against any issues while living overseas.

As you confirmed in your update, this is certainly a complicated situation, and your problems go well beyond your parents' criticisms of your parenting. While there have been some harsh comments below, there have also been a lot of helpful comments (as far as the kinds of resources that may be available to you for assistance), and I'm glad you realize that you have a lot to think about.

I'd just like to add that I hope you will think about not only your immediate needs (for childcare or your own place to stay, for example) but also your long term plans.

First, you might want to analyze exactly HOW you got into this situation that's rife with uncertainty and completely dependent on others. Do you and your husband share the same goals for how you are going to build a life together? And since your marriage and ability to live together depend on immigration officials and your presumed mutual desire to live together somewhere, have you thought at all about your backup plan (just in case either the officials deny you that ability or your husband's desires and your's go in different directions)?

These aren't the typical marital concerns (it's hard enough, even without these factors!), but they will determine what your (and your children's) life holds. For their sake and your's, YOU MUST think carefully and proactively plan for scenarios that most couples/parents will not encounter.

You are, technically speaking, on your own now (ie; w/o spouse) and are responsible for your own and your kids' well-being. Your husband is voluntarily absent (even if he can't some here and support you mentally or financially, he's encouraging you to stay here without him), and your financial support and the care of your kids are NOT your parent's responsibilities. You need to know that you alone can provide for them, and you must plan for that now!

Have a serious talk with hubby and agree to a firm plan of action that has you back to either living and raising your kids together in Europe or supports your independent living here in the States--with or without his presence. Your parents home should not be treated like a minimum cost hotel. It's potentially terribly damaging for ALL of you.

It's complicated, no doubt. With some honest soul searching and realistic, pragmatic assessments of your situation, plus a lot of planning and effort on your part, I hope you will find your way out of this limbo that you find yourself stuck in. Take control, because nobody can do it for you -- nor should they.

Best of luck!

Go to the local Department of Human/Social Services. Apply for child care...it is easy if you have a limited income. They should approve you to put the kids in child care to find a job.

Go to the local state employment office and ask about programs that will help you find a job and help with child care. In Oklahoma some of the moms in my child care center go to the employment office every day from 8am to 3 pm and look for work. Their childcare is paid in full. They all come at the same time due to the shuttle transporting all of them in the same vehicle.

Apply at your local HUD office for low income housing. They should have a program where you can pick a house or an apartment of your own choosing. Some programs have you live in one of their homes. The waiting list might be very very long, maybe a year, but your name will be on it and moving up. Apply for food stamps so that you can supply your own food at your parents house.

This takes care of all the issues you outlined above. Get child care assistance so you can get a job. Once that happens you and the kids will be out of the house most of the day. That will give your parents a break from the noise and stress of the kids plus they'll have some alone, grown up time for doing their own things.

Your kids are at difficult ages. The 18 month old is just a big baby (in that he/she has the mental understanding of a baby, but the abilities of an older kid). It's easy for people to think more should be expected of them.

I would hate being in your situation. Figuring out parenting is hard enough on your own, then add your parents who make you feel constantly critiqued and judged for what you do - no thank you!

I'm confused as to why they call you freeloaders and then let you live with them. Isn't that enabling you? (which I don't think you are freeloading!) If they expected you to pay for rent, they should have mentioned it. Or if they want you to now, they should let you know they want rent. They shouldn't call you anything if they are approving of the situation by their actions (by letting you live there).

I personally wouldn't put my kids in daycare to get a job. I'd move back with my hubby first. I don't know if that's an option. But it would resolve a LOT of the issues you're having with your parents.

I would consider having a sit down chat with your parents and explaining that when they are criticizing you, it doesn't help the situation. You are a new mom and you are doing the best you can do and that you're learning as you go along. You appreciate their desire to help when it comes to the kids, but it's not helping.

I'd try to just let them know to stop it. I've found myself in the same situation. When I have family over, I feel like they are watching and judging. I know they are! They do it with other family members. And they are so critical. Funny thing is, the main one that does it only has one child...and somehow that makes her an expert on how to handle 4-5 kids in a family? The dynamics in a larger family are so different! But, I find myself getting upset at the kids easier when I have family around that I feel is watching and judging. I feel really on edge and like she's judging everything I do. She often doesn't flat out say anything, but she'll sometimes make little comments here and there. People EVERYWHERE seem to do it. They've done it to me, to my friends, to my family, etc. Everyone seems to know better than everyone else on how to raise kids. That's why I think it makes sense to leave it to the parents and stay out of it!

They should be leaving you alone. If it affects them, then they need to figure out how to discuss boundaries with you (such as kids not going into certain parts of the house or not touching certain things, etc).

and, you need to do some soul searching, figure out what type of parenting you want to follow, and stick to it with confidence. Don't let their criticizing and judgement change how you react to things...don't let it make you angry and yell. Your babies are too little! (and, I don't say this meanly - I TOTALLY understand why you do that. I've felt similarly before too.)

It's a rough situation. Something definitely needs to happen! good luck.