How to Deal W/new Stepmom (Former Friend)??

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this - it sounds awful - but it also sounds like you're doing an excellent job of handling a tough situation. I second (or third) the counseling - for you and maybe even a few sessions with you and your kids so that they can air their feelings in a safe place too. Two and a half years is NOTHING when it comes to this kind of betrayal - the feelings are real and deep. That said, you should be seeing/feeling an improvement (it sounds like you are) and the pain shouldn't hit as often.

It seems to me that you are trying to be really clear about your boundaries, which is the best thing you can do. She is your children's stepmother so if she wants to talk to them (and they want to talk to her) then it's probably not fair for you to stop that. However, you could set up a specific time for her to call so your kids can answer the phone and you don't have to hear her voice. If you have call display on your phone, you can also choose to not answer if she calls and the kids aren't home. You need to keep yourself safe from two pretty toxic people - which is hard to do when they have to be in your life. Just remember to keep taking care of yourself and your kids. Your ex and his new wife have made their bed and if he cheats on her (which he likely will) that's her problem. The less you have to do with any of it, the better.

Sometimes it helps me to find something to say to myself when things are rough - a little mantra - like right now, I'm at the tail end of a pregnancy after a miscarriage last year and everytime I feel my emotions/fear come up I breathe and tell myself "everything is going to be okay". It's simple but it really helps. I've even written it on post-its and put it around the house! I don't know if there's anything that makes you feel better/stronger but it's a thought :)

It really sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Good luck keeping your boundaries clear and continuing with your healing process. And like Carolyn N said - just love the heck out of your kids - they know what's going on. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
You are doing a wonderful job. Most of us, myself included would probably be struggling with the same difficulties you are. Your feelings come natural and you can only keep doing what you are already doing.

Let your old friend figure out what she has done for herself. You sound like a very caring person, but why should you be the one to help someone who for number one doesn't want to hear it and number two is betraying your friendship. There are plenty of men out there, I don't believe in the he loves me and we were meant for eachother thing when she has broken your home with no regard to your feelings or your childrens confusion.

You do however seem to be holding out beautifully with regard to the children. You have to share them and it is just going to hurt no matter what. In time, you pain will become less and less. Just hold that chin up and be strong.

Take care!
C.

1 mom found this helpful

My parents also divorced when I was about 12. My father married a friend of my parents. I hated the fact they got a divorce. I didn't want to go to spend time with him and her but was forced too. Then there were times when I was with them and my mother would call and I would not want to talk to her. This wnet back and forth until I was able to leave home. I can only suggest you give limited visitation, keep custody of your kids, tell the other it's to soon. Hopefully she will be understanding. I wouldn't trust your ex at all and tell him so. All the more reason to have limited visitation. Beware the step mom could also slowly brain wash the kids against you. This happened to me also. She offered me many things if I stayed with them, moved away and didn't contact my mother. I fell for it for a while. There is so much to watch out for especially with the type of people you have to deal with. Keep your guard up and spend as much time as you can with your kids with out bad mouthing the other parents. Good luck. R.

Dear M.,
First, I have to say that I am really sorry you have to go through such a difficult situation which like most, have had no prior experience with and can be extremely scary to deal with. Just know that you are doing the best that you can after being betrayed by not only your "bestfriend", but also by the one person you thought you could trust, your husband. The advice i have to offer is that you should not feel obligated to send your kinds off to your exhusband, exbestfriend if you are not comfortable with the situation. It is nice that you are assuring your children that it is okay to like/love their stepmom, but if deep down in your heart you do not feel like being nice, you do not have to. Maybe you can establish visitations where both exhusband/exbestfriend come over to your house where you feel safe and comfortable regardless of whether you like them or not or if they are planning outings you can be part of them just untill you can better understand your emotions. It just sounds like maybe things are happening too fast and you need to take control of your emotions not the other way around. Also, try to seek counseling for the entire family, because I am certain you are not the only one hurt and confussed. I wish you the absolute best. You will see that with time your children and you will be at peace, I don't think I can say that same for your former spouse/bestfriend, but your kids and you are all that matter.

M.,
Remember above all else, this world is round, what comes around goes around, as long as you are the best person you can be you have nothing else to worry about, people are going to hurt you, grow, learn and continue loving. I had a very similar situation and I had to take myself out whether it was to soon or not, I firmly believe if she is good to your children that is all you need, you will never have a choice who he is with whether it be your best friend or your sister, your job is to make sure your children are healthy and safe and as long as that is being provided your doing your job. It is hard to separate yourself especially when there is still anger but you have to for your kids. You cannot control others and NO ONE owes you anything. I would give a specific time to call the kids so you know when not to answer, or have them get the child a cell phone prepaid and they can use that number to contact her instead of going through you, that way you are still supportive of the relationship but you don't have to be in the middle of it. Good Luck!

Hi M.,

What a truly awful situation to be involved in - and you can't get away from it! I feel for you. There is a website bonusfamilies.com and it is a chat room for split families. You do sound as if you're doing a great job being diplomatic about the situation with your ex.
M.

I don't know what to say except for that your feelings are not wrong. feelings are FEELINGS.

be the bigger person my mom is still crazy about my step mom and it is hard to deal with as a child. Things can get better in time if you let them you have to make the steps now to not be bothered by their relationship

Dear M.,

Yikes !! Let her talk to the children. They are not dummies - kids are smart and they will not be taken in. It sounds like she is really just trying to get to you and make you more miserable, so don't show it, just keep cool, and call the kids to the phone. That is what I have to do with my husband's adult children. They try to make trouble too.

Yes, it will hurt for a bit longer, but you can adjust to it if you try to make yourself let it go, and think of something you can solve. This is an unsolvable problem - those two can make enough trouble for a whole town full of people, so just keep cool and keep away, and never, no never say anything to your children one way or the other.

Just stay close and love the heck out of them, and have the best life for yourself and your children that you can squeeze out. Really, this is true.

I know, it seems like it is too easy for me to say stuff like this a too hard for you to do, then do the best you can, and it will be better than struggling to try to figure out these people. You are the hero here, they are the cads. You have already proven your valor, now forget them. C. N.

This is such a sucky situation! I feel so bad for you! One: these 2 deserve each other & two: she was never your friend to begin with. I know the second will be harder to accept. Like the other mom, I also sugggest you get some therapy. You need to get some closure in this so you can go on to have another happy, healthy relationship w/someone who deserves you! You have no reason to feel bad about anything. It also sounds to me like you are being the bigger person here & putting your kids first. I absolutey applaud you for trying to keep your feeling about their step-mom to yourself & encouraging them to have a relationship w/her. It doesn't mean you need to have a relationship w/her, though. So, if you agree to let her talk on the phone w/your kids, then I'd suggest that there's no need for you to talk to her....just pass the phone to the kids. But, based on her comment about giving up your first born to your husband, I'd be leary of her & the possibility of her trying to manipulate your kids. I guess that all depends on how old your kids are. Keep up the good work of being the adult in the situation! It will pay off. Good luck!

M.,
You Rock! I am not in your situation however when I was young I went through a ugly divorce with my parents when I was three. My mom always kept in mind to not bad talk and my biological father but he constantly bad talked my mom. As I grew older he remarried and his new wife started with the bad talking about my mom. Long story short I no longer have a relationship with them or their children. I have completely blocked them out of my life. My mom and dad (step) mean the world to me. I now see and understand all that they did for me. And now as a parent myself I have so much respect for them. There is a long road ahead for you. But stay strong. I respect you for "respecting" your children. Keep a journal if it helps you to write what your feeling. Good luck! Stay strong!
M.

I feel for you! You are doing a great job keeping your feelings from you kids. You've got some really good advice, here. I would say that she can talk to your kids if they ask. Or does your x call his kids? I would let her talk to the kids after he's finished. I know she horrible things to you, but she has been apart of your kids' lives for a long time. I am sure she genuinely has a love for them. She is probably also trying to rekindle her friendship with you. She probably really needs a friend right now. I wouldn't be her friend ever again, though.
K.

Dont hate me, I am going to give you advice from the other side of the fence. I am a step mother. We got custody of my husbands daughter 6 years ago, she had just turned 3. They were never married and had been broken up for years when he married me, but cirrcumstances with her mother were not good, so we took her. My step daughter calls me mommy, she asked if it was okay, we told her that maybe a different name for me was better since she had her mommy, but she thought I didnt love her because I wouldnt let her call me that so she started to. Years went by and things got bad with her mother. I used to talk to her, but everything I said got thrown back in my face or lied about in court. She would always tell my S/D that it upset her that she called me mommy, and tell her horriable things like "if i hear you call her mommy one more time, i will never talk to you again and you can never come visit me again".
All I have ever wanted from her mom is to be greatful that we can giver her a life that she never could have and that her daughter is loved. I cant even begin to understand how you could get over something like that, but as you said she was your best friend so you do know her pretty well, well enough to know that your kids are in good care with her and not like some of the kids you hear about on the news being with step parents. I think as long as you know they are taken care of you have nothing to worry about. No matter what my daughters mother has done in 6 years she is still and always will be the mother, and the same is true with your kids, You will always be there mother, the one they go to and no one can ever take that away. So dont worry if they want to call her, you will be the ont tucking them in to bed that night.

Hi M.,

I can understand perfectly where you are coming from. My situation is not exactly like yours but somehow similar. I am obviously not a counselor but my advise to you would be to write them a letter and tell them how you feel, you dont have to cut ties with them but maybe just ask them for space and a little more time to get used to everthing. I know it doesnt work the same for everyone but I did write a letter to my ex's new partner, it did make me feel alot better and eased the tension that was going on. I think it gives them time to think and really pay attention to what you have to say without having to see you in front of them showing them emotion.

Sorry, but I would keep the kids away from her as much as possible - both her and your ex are not good role models for your kids... Just think of it that way - would you want your daughter to be cheated on pregnant... My first husband did that to me with a friend - their marriage will end the first time she finds out that he did it to her and he will...

I would stick with the court ordered visits with dad - and keep a nice distance the rest of the time - the kids deserve as normal and healthy of a home life as they can get - and it sounds like you are the only parent that can really give that to them.

Believe me its not easy I know. I went and got some counselling to help me. It was the best thing I ever did. Know me and me friend who is my childrens stepmom get along great. We still have some problems. But you half to work together in order to raise your kids. That I know is sooo very hard right now. But you need to just keep reminding yourself my kids come first. I want them to know we all love them. When she calls find away to pretend like your still friends and she can't bring you down. Cause if you let her keep on bothering you she wins.
Thats what she wants not you guys to get along. She would love you to be the bad one and her the good one. But realy think about seaing a counselor. you need to let go so you can be happy again. Its not easy to let all that anger go. It eats away at you until you can say I'm better off now. They realy deserve each other. I deserve better. They may try to say things about you but no matter what they say or do. The kids will sea the truth in the end about everything they do. So just remember in the end you'll be abetter mom. Because the kids will sea that you did right by them and alowed them to have a relationship with everyone. Because you know no matter what thats their dad and your there mother. What happened with you guys had nothing to do with the love you both have for them. If they say or do things to try and turn the kids against you they will regret it. Because the truth always wins out. So you keep doing what your doing and you'll see it will be fine.

M.

Wow, this former "friend" is some piece of work.... Not to mention your former husband.

My question is, what is your visitation arrangement? Does he get to take the kids places, or only have supervised visits at your home? Frankly, it sounds like this woman may be out to get everything you had -- husband and the love of your kids. I sure wouldn't be able to trust either of them. They certainly haven't acted in a trustworthy or honest manner.

If you can get into counseling, go for it. I had a situation happen several years ago with a best friend and a man I was involved in. Quite different, she didn't steal him away, but there was a lot of ugliness and betrayal. And I ended up carrying a lot of anger around. If you can have someone to work it through with, rather than pushing it down or letting it rule your life, do it! It can sour your whole life. You deserve more than that.

And if you can build a community of friends and supporters who are more trustworthy, this will help also. Don't stay emotionally dependent on those two snakes in the grass. Move on to better folks!

im going through a similar experience i guess...not my bf though, but it just takes time...the best thing is to be honest with them, telling them its hard for you right now...and hold strong with them (never split the kids!)...my ex wants my first born and he never paid much attention to the second...i am still holding strong...thats all the advice i can give you...hope it helps...and best of wishes...

Do what's in your heart. It's OK to not want her calling your home. It's not OK for you to let the kids know this however. They won't understand and they'll feel guilty for loving/liking her. I'm a step mom and luckily my two step daughters love me. But there are many times when it's obvious that they lie to their Mom about things - I think because they feel guilty for loving me and having fun at our house. Their Mom has never been kind or decent to me, regardless of the fact that I met my husband 2 years AFTER their divorce - which she instigated. Bottom line - keep the kids out of what you feel, and make sure they know it's OK to love all of their 'parents'. She sounds awful though - and I wouldn't give your child to their father regardless of anything! They need you, and he clearly is not an honest, ethical man. But always take the high road, be the mature one, stay away from her and out of their lives - it will only cause you stress.

WOW! no, i dont think you are wrong at all! i have to comend you on the way you are handeling it so far...WOW! i probably would have took revenge, big time! lol. well, i do think you have a right to be mad, i'm not sure how old your kids are, but im sure they were used to her being around as mommy's friend..so some sort of bond is already there, i really dont think its up to you to push it...just let it be. they might never apologize, but they should at least respect your feelings...i mean they've only been married six months, let 'em go a year or two. give yourself time to heal, it will take longer b/c u see them so often. do you trust her w/ your kids? do you trust him alone w/ your kids? thing is (i feel), you really only need to deal with him. she may go or stay-but he is who you are coparent with for the rest of your lives. talk to her when your ready, just stay civil around the kids.
as far as their relationship-let her find out for herself. he is not your problem anymore, nor are either of their feelings. as long as they treat the kids well and respect you around them, then so be it. also, depend on your guy's custody agreement-no need to go above and beyond. stick to it and make sure he does as well.
its not an easy situation, but aren't you glad you dont have to deal w/ it or truely worry anymore?! i will pray for you and the children.
good luck and God Bless.

Stand your ground. It's normal for you not to be ready yet. It took me 7 years to finally be able to visit with my ex. It's always best to be honest with your children. You can sit them down and tell them how you feel without bad mouthing either their father or his wife. Depending on how old they are, you can even let them know you don't approve, and your feelings were/are hurt, but that you want them to have a relationship with their father. Knowing what kind of people they are, if you're not honest with your children all your good intentions might back fire. The way I see it, she doesn't need to talk to them unless they're with her. If communication needs to be made in between, it should be their father. But depending on their age, they might be able to decide for themself if they want to talk to her or not.