How Should Friends of Your Kids Address You?

Hi L.--I personally do not mind my son's friends (10yrs old) calling me S.. I don't like the Mrs. thing (although some do call me that) and he does have 1 that calls me Miss S. but as you said, that's preschoolish. I guess I'm not much help but I just let them call me what they are comfortable with or what their parents have taught them to call adults. Just my opinion. :0)
I, too, am a SAHM of 2 (10 and 5)

My kids call people Mr./Ms first name. unless it is a teacher. and all of their friends call me Ms. C..

I would let them address me however they felt comfortable. I always make my girls ask the person if they can call them by their 1st name, or if they prefer to be addressed formally. Most times they get the response they may call the person by the 1st name.

Respect does not come from a name but actions. I also feel that adults are not above children therefore do not earn automatic respect. We are given a first name, why not let children use it? What happens when the children who say mr. or mrs. to your friends still know them when they are 30 or 40? Should grown up children still call people mr. and mrs. then? Go with your comfort but know that respect does not come from a name. It comes from consistent, kind and respectful actions.

have a nice day,
B.
Child And Family Coaching
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

Hi L.,

I did not take my husband's name when we married either. When my kids (currently 17 and 14 years old) were younger, it was just easier for their friends to call me by my first name. I didn't want to confuse my kids by having their friends call me Mrs. P vs. Ms. V. Years later, the friends still call me by my first name (except one or two whose parents won't allow it, so I am Ms. S. to them). I do not feel disrespected in any way and, in fact, just the opposite. As Denise referred to in an earlier response, kids need to show you respect in what they say and do, not just whether they call you Ms or by your first name.

In the end, do what matters to you and what you are comfortable with.

This is really up to you. I don't see why you can't be Mrs. so and so, even with your maiden name. You are technically a MRS because you are married. I don't like being called Mrs. ____, because when I hear that name I think of my mother in law, not me. Most of my kids' friends are allowed to call me by my first name -- some call me Mom, because that's what their best buddy calls me. Of course, to get to that point, they probably have hung around your house a whole lot. A friend of mine at church is called "Momma __________" by almost all the teens in church. She mothers all of them, so it's natural.

When my sister and I had our first kids, we talked about what the kids would call us -- and we both felt that using Aunt ____ sounded WAY Too old for us ! So we dropped the title and just used our first names with our nieces and nephews. And it felt just fine, so I always used that with other kids, too.

I had one teen in youth group, however, who called me by my first name like everyone else, and his dad hit the roof. So he was REQUIRED to call me Mrs. ______. I settled that score by calling him Mr. ____________, at age 14. It became a joke between us, and his dad got a kick out of it.

I think what's important is no so much WHAT they call you, but the relationships you build. If you act like an adult and are faithful and respectful, firm and understanding, you will be treated with respect even if they call you tweetiepie.

So find a name and/or title that suits you, and that you will enjoy responding to. Because hopefully these friends of your children will be around and underfoot and you will enjoy them as much as they enjoy you and your children !

Hi L., I have always told my girls friends and the girls in all my girl scout troops to call me Miss B.. I know it sounds funny to you at first, but it shows respect without the formality of using your last name or the confusion of Ms, Miss or Mrs. Not to mention the constant confusion these days of "what is your parents' last name?". Many women do not have the same last name as their child, husband or significant other and it gets really confusing for everyone. So keep it simple for everyone. Best wishes.

Different people prefer different things, and different situations can cause a change in how someone is addressed. As you mentioned, 2 different couples prefer different styles - safest thing is to ask how the adult would like to be addressed, and if you are in a situation where you are uncomfortible asking use Mr/Mrs. If that is too formal, the person involved can request the change to first name, nickname. Uncle/Aunt is often used for our close friends and it gives the friends the feeling of being the "chosen" family

I've had the same issues, which really became "issues" when my oldest started kindergarten. When the kids were in preschool, the kids called moms by their first names, just like the adults did. So, the kids I've known since pre-school still call me by my first name. Truthfully, as I also am not a Mrs. and also didn't take my husband's name, it's what I prefer...but once the kids hit kindergarten, I became Mrs. to everyone we met there, even though I am a Ms. Although I don't use my husband's name in any way, if a child calls me Mrs. and my kids' last name, their dad's last name, these days I just let it slide. It was uncomfortable for a long time, but now I'm used to it.

There are some parents who will say to my kids, "Just call me [first name]," and I am happy with that. Usually I go with what the other adults want to be called. I grew up calling a lot of my parents' friends by their first names or as aunt and uncle, and my husband caleld those people in his life Mr. and Mrs.--and still does, many decades later!

We have one family of very close friends that my kids call Mr. & Mrs., and that's a bit bizarre for me, but that's what they want, so I go by that, as it's their call (as far as I am concerned), not mine, what they are called. they call all our other close friends by their first names, and they call their friends' parents Mr. & Mrs.

Good luck!

I remeber growing up and having to use the Mrs or Ms. But we have gotten to a point that we let are kids call adults Miss. or Mr and then there first name. If one is not comforatble by that then we use there last name and then we have some that are called Uncle and Aunt, even thou they are not related to us at all. But have been really good friends of the family.

Ask the person what they might like to be called by ur kids and let them know that you are trying to bring them up proper.

I think it depends on how well they know you. Some of my kids friends call me Mrs. R or Miss A., but most of them just call me A.. I'm totally fine with them calling me by my first name. I let them know that I don't mind. I don't care what they call me as long as they respect the rules at my home.

Well L. - looks like you are getting many responses. I will keep it short. It is always appropriate to teach your kids respect. With that I have two kids ages 7 and 2 and all adults will be with title whether family or friends. Children learn what they live. So when my husband and I are around the same adults in front of our kids we call them Ms or Mr as well and explained to them - Children will address you the way their parents address you - So now they all call me Ms. D. when all of our kids are around....Good Luck!

I would say teach your kids to go with what you are comfortable with, but if there are folks that feel it should be another way, then address them the way they want to be addressed. For instance if your child is taught to call everyone Mrs or Mr. and a person requests they use their first name, then tell them it's okay to use it.

Hi L.
My 7 year old has always addressed her family as aunt/uncle because thats how her dad and I were raised. Her school friends parents are Mr./Mrs. In her church, they went with Mr./Miss + first name. Our close friends are by their first names because thats how they like it. She understands that different people are called different things in different settings.

I absolutely teach my children to use Mr. and Mrs. I think that the disappearance of this age-old show of respect for adults is so symptomatic of how we as a society are raising our children today. I work with the after school program at my son's school and I am appalled at the lack of respect that some of the children show myself, the other volunteers and the adult instructors.(We are in an upper middle class district so there is NO excuse here) I think part of the reason that this is happening is the absolute familiarity that the children feel towards us. We as adults are not respected and revered-we are encouraged to be their "friends." There MUST be a differentiation between adults and children and that begins with the titles that are used.

It is unfortunate that many adults are uncomfortable with the Mrs./Mr. title. IMO that is a part of our society's fear of aging. We want to hold onto our youth and think that by having children call us by first name gives us that "hip" vibe that we are in fear of losing as we age.

Sorry for the soapbox on this but it has been a sore point for me for a while now.

Hi L.,
I was raised in the south and I was instructed to always put a title on an adult's name. They were usually Mr. or Ms + first name. There were some cases where the last name was used. Years later when I moved further north, many people (particularly woment) did not want to be addressed as Mr. or Ms. Personally, I just find it to sound more respectful for children to call an adult person Mr. or Ms., especially in this age where many children are too casual in their conversations with adults.

I grew up with Mr/Mrs and if they were close to our family, then "Aunt/Uncle". My husband hates that as he gets confused over who is related vs. just friends of the family! So we talked it over with our playgroup and circle of friends, and use Mr/Ms. with FIRST names so the kids don't get confused. Aunt/Uncle is for close friends, and Teta is for my daughter's only aunt. A few folks seem to prefer their last name (or want me to be known as Mrs. to their kids), so then we use the Mr/Mrs. address and it's fine.

Whatever you do, I disagree with little kids using first names. It's disrespectful and even though lots of people don't speak up, I have found they find it annoying or rude. It may seem quaint, but I don't want to raise a brat and I honestly think it's one step that every parent should take.

My son is 16 months old and I was thinking about the same issue. As a kid, I always called my neighborhood friends parents by their first name and my parents friends were Mr. or Mrs. I never questioned why and I never thought about why one was this way and the other that way. It was what it was. My mothers side of the family is big and there were alot of cousins my parents age and they were always aunt/uncle and still are. My mom always saw that as a respect thing. Now with my son, we are going the route of aunt/uncle for some close friends and also Mr./Ms. (first name). We don't know many last names. I always felt that if you were close and friendly with someone, Mrs. just sounds uncomfortable to me (but that's just me). So all our neighbors are Ms. Jane, Ms. Lisa, Mr. Kurt, etc... Apparently that's what they say down south. I don't think there has to be a hard set rule. it's what everyone is comfortable with.

I'll start by letting you know that I'm a traditionalist and think we've gotten too casual as a society. Therefore, my children don't call anyone by just a first name. Close friends are "Uncle Mike" or "Aunt Jen" (I know that could create other confusion, but we're clear with the kids who our "family" is). Others are "Mr. Mike" and "Ms. Jen" and no one seems offended by it. We haven't talked about whether this changes at all as they get older, but I do feel that it's important to teach them manners and respect for their elders. Just my opinion ;)

We just struggled with this one also...we came to this conclusion...kids < 5, call adults by Mrs./Mr. first name and >=5 Mr. Mrs. last name

Since in Kindergarten they use last names...

I think kids should call adults Mr or Mrs.-last name. I think it's respectful. That is how I was raised and how I plan on raising my 2 year old. You are to respect adults. I think that is the problem with kids these days, the lack of respect. I am not your equal. A 7 year old should not be calling me by my 1st name or Ms. H..

You have to think about the long term in regards to this. Putting a title in front of someone's name creates a feeling of importance & respect. I grew up calling every adult Mr/Mrs last name. Family members were aunt/uncle & my parents were mom/dad.
When I graduated college I began teaching at a rural HS. Most of the kids called the parents of other kids by their first names. There were a few parents who were called Mr/Mrs. There was a real difference in how the students talked about those parents. Parents who were addressed by first names were talked about the same way they talked about other students. It was like they were equals. There was no respect for the adult's opinions or decisions. (Ex. kid 1: My mom said I can't go to the mall tonight. kid 2: don't worry about it. I'll have a talk with Wendy. She'll let you go.) Parents who were address by Mr/Mrs got more respect. (Ex. kid 1: My mom said I can't go to the mall tonight. kid 2: that sucks.) Its possible that it was just coincidence & the parents who were addressed by first names wouldn't have been respected even if addressed by last names, but I think the first name address allows the kids too much familiarity.
Good luck with your decision.

I don't know if this helps...I read a couple of the responses, I do agree children should show respect, however, I also agree to a point that it depends on the other adults viewpoint. However, I don't quite agree with the "preschool" aspect. I grew up in GA. It was polite to either call adults by Mr. and Mrs. last name or Ms. and Mr. first name, depending the relationship. I still call many of my adult friends that I met when I was in my teens by Ms. or Mr. I teach my daughter the same principles. She is still learning that she is not an adult's "equal", however she is doing well with respect and addressing them with respect also.
As an example to the GA thing, my sister-in-law has been in our family for 13 years...she still calls my mom by Miss Jessie. She has told us before that she feels like my mom and dad are like a second set of parents to her, but she has gotten to know them as Miss Jessie and Mr. Dan, so it is the name she thinks of them as.
I don't feel that it is particularly childish to call adults by Ms. or Mr. first name...I prefer my daughter calling them by Mr. and Ms. first name rather than just their first name. Mr and Mrs. last name is just too formal for some relationships, and I never grew up doing the Aunt/Uncle thing, so I find it hard to teach her to do it. We are still sorting out the whole issue ourselves, so thanks for the post. Last Friday we went to a store and immediately the lady and Jordan started talking, the lady introduced herself to Jordan by her first name, so I told her Ms. ..., my husband started laughing and said "you're not in GA, baby." I just said it doesn't matter where we are she needs to learn to talk to adults with respect, so he never said much, but like I said we are still sorting it out. This is just my opinion, I hope it helps and I hope you find a solution that works best for you.
Sorry I forgot the original question...as far as how kids address me...well, I have been working with kids since I was about 12, so they've always called me by R., so I really don't mind what they call me as long as they show respect and understand who's in charge while in my home. I've gotten so used to being called by R., it just seems natural.

Some (most) of my son's friends call me "Mrs" (which scares me as I whip around thinking I will see my MIL! LOL) and some call me "Miss Denise", some call me "Denise". I refer to my son's friend's parents as "Mr or Mrs" and he tends to refer to them as I do. I don't think the actual name is as important as showing respect for other adults, using please and thank you.

***ADDED*** I just read Aimee's post--I am appalled! Are there still actually people out there in the year 2009, living under the assumption that economic circumstance dictates a level of politeness and respect and manners? Since when does $$$=polite? Am I living in another world or something? Some of the brattiest and disrespectful kids I have ever met have come from 'upper middle class" families. Am I alone here? Sorry--just had to vent.