How Much Is to Much???? - Dallas,TX

Clearly she can't support herself without a job. I look at school as her job. My daughter is a sophomore and lives in a dorm. Next year she will live in an apartment that we will pay for in full. Are you willing/able to pay for her to live at school with roommates?

Can she live on campus? I know that I would have found it very difficult to live at home during my college years. But since I was in school full-time, I certainly couldn't live on my own either. I had a part-time job, and was responsible for paying for all my own "extras", but my parents covered tuition, room, and board as long as I kept my grades up. I think this is pretty common, and something you should consider.

At this point I'd sit her down and say 'you know what honey? I made a big mistake when you started college. I forgot to sit down with you and discuss my expectations once you turned from a high school student to a young woman in college. Let's talk about it now so we can both be on the same page.'

Remind her that with the rights of being an adult come the responsibilities of being part of the household you are living with so she needs to be a part of a functional group when she's home. If she lived with roommates in the dorm she'd have to do chores to make that group function so since she's living at home she has to pitch in too.

When your daughter graduated high school, did you discuss expectations with her? Remember that going to school is a full-time job, and many students her age do not have even part-time jobs while in school. Some students do, but it is not always easy to balance school and work.

Is school easy for her? Is it possible she is struggling? Keep in mind that for some, college is a big transition. The expectations might be greater. Many of my students (I teach college - mostly freshmen) go through a period of adjustment. The expectations are often much higher than what they had in high school.

If your daughter is being disrespectful and not willing to do choirs, have you explored the possibility that she is stressed out at school? Or that she is upset about something?

Talk to her. Talk to her calmly. Take her out for coffee and ask her how things are going. Reach out to her and ask her what's going on. Unless this is how she behaved in high school, likely something is going on. Find out if you can help.

Once you have a heart-to-heart with her and establish a better repore, Talk to her about her obligations to the family. Start with how she treats people. Let her know that you love her and you expect her to show kindness and respect to all family members. Maybe just start there. If you feel it's really necesary for her to do choirs (beyond picking up after herself and doing her own laundry and dishes), let her know that you really need her help. That she is part of a family and needs to pull her weight. But do keep in mind that her primary focus needs to be school. So you don't want this to be a huge burden for her.

If she is being disrespectful and she wasn't when she was in high school, then something else is going on. If she was always disrespectful, then you are going to have a more difficult time changing a behavior that you put up with for several years, and it's unrealistic to expect her to change at the drop of a hat.

I would definitely not ask her to leave/move out. You need to still be her mother. Find out why she is behaving this way. Find out why your daughter is hurting and stressed. It sounds like she could really use a compassionate, understanding mother right now.

Your daughter wants the defiance and independence of an adult and the social manners and parental protections of a child. Of course she's "reluctant to leave home" - she's got a great deal where she is.

You want her to remain a child, living at home and doing chores because, apparently, she's unprepared to be an adult. If she never did chores growing up, and if she was disrespectful always, this is on you. She's not ready to be an adult. That training should have taken place over many years. Did you have a discussion about this when she was younger? Have you had a discussion since she finished high school and started college?

Did this behavior just start? What have you done to investigate the cause? Why are you still paying her bills if she doesn't want to be part of the family? Why can't she get a job? Why can't she work part time at least, or work at the college? Why can't she defer her studies and get a full time job, move in with a couple of roommates, and struggle like every other young adult? If she's incapable, depressed, or fearful, she needs counseling.

If you two can't figure out a civil way to address this, get family counseling. Are there other kids at home watching this display? What are they learning from this? Family counseling now - so you can clarify your priorities, you all can face your mistakes and your fears, and you can find a backbone. This is family dysfunction but it's fixable.

She should live on campus. This is how you bond with others your age and make a lot of friends that you then go on to share a house with after college. It will help her to be more independent if she is not living at home. I suggest you pay for her to stay on campus from now on. I wouldn't expect her to work much if she is in college...unless it is a very very part time job like a few shifts a week bagging groceries or in a work/study program at college. I would instead think of it as school is her job right now...she needs to focus on her classes and studying. But studying late at night in the dorms with the other college students, doing your own laundry, solving your own problems, and relying on them to be your support group instead of your parents is a growing experience. If you allow her to cling to home it just will take her longer to ever gain independence because it is EASY to go with what you know. It is hard to grow and make big changes in life. Just my opinion. I expect my kids to live on campus when they are in college and hopefully not close to home. I remember one girl in college who lived at home and she left every day in the afternoon...to get picked up by one of her parents or to take the bus home. I always felt sorry for her. She missed out on everything. She was not really close to anyone. She kind of had "outsider" status and didn't join anything, didn't have a support group, didn't study with everyone, didn't take part in campus activities, or have any good friends.

If she's in school full-time, that's her job. If she's living at home and not on campus, she's saving herself (and you) thousands of dollars a year in room and board expenses. Why would you punish her for that? What do you expect?

If I were you, I'd have a heart-to-heart with her about her living arrangements and expectations. School IS her job, but she should be able to find some kind of work during breaks and over the summer so that she can contribute to her own expenses and have some spending money. If living at home isn't working, is moving to campus an option? Perhaps she can take out student loans to cover that cost if you can't cover it?

At this age, you have to find a new normal for expectations around the house. She should be able to live much like she would on campus, with reasonable restrictions like not coming in really late at night, not partying in your house or having guys stay over, etc. Being rude to siblings isn't OK, period, but are they disrupting her studies or getting into her stuff? Does she have space and privacy? Regarding chores, I've scaled back on what I expect from my college-age son who lives at home. If he lived at school, costing me thousands of dollars in room and board, he wouldn't be home cleaning my bathrooms or dusting the ceiling fans. At this point, I only ask that he clean up after himself in the kitchen, help me when I need it (holiday cleaning, etc.), and take care of his own laundry and bedroom.

My oldest son and step-daughter are both 19 and college sophomores. She's a FT student at school far away and only works during the summer. He's a part-time student who works a FT day job. Whenever something stops working at home and I try to figure out the new normal at home with my son, I try to compare it to my SD and make sure that he has similar benefits/freedom etc. because the life that she enjoys away at school costs a lot more than his does and I'm not going to "punish" him for being frugal. In my case it helps that he works FT and covers his own expenses, but if he were just a full-time student it would be the same arrangement.

Hopefully this perspective helps you shift your thinking a bit so that you can work on an arrangement that works for all of you.

College is one of those boundary times.
They feel grown up and like small children at the same time.
It's an experience learning to live on your own in a dorm - there's an adjustment period learning to deal with classes and living independently and balancing social life.

And living at home while going to school is just as confusing.
Her job right now IS college - so put aside the unemployed part for now.
Getting an education and completing a degree will get her a better job eventually and have her become independent much more quickly than working a bunch of low paying jobs will.

She's living at home and is dependent - and yet she is 19 and an adult.
She can marry or join the armed services without parental permission and can be convicted as an adult if she commits a crime.
It is your house and she has to respect your rules.
If she were in a dorm or renting an apartment she would have rules or a lease that she has to follow.
I think you and she need a nice long private talk over a meal about what her future plans are.
She needs to think about what her life will be like when she finally does move out.
She'll have laundry to do, and she'll shop for and cook her own food, and pay her bills and clean her own living space, maintain a car and/or find a way to commute to work.
A lot of what she'll need to do is not going to go away by her moving out - and she should be doing some if not most of that now.
There can be an economy for everyone for right now if everyone works together.
And that means she's going to have to grow up a bit and take on some tasks for herself while others can be deferred until she really is on her own.
Draw up a contract with rules, expectations and be up front about what the consequences will be for breaking it (make sure it's something you can live with - never make an ultimatum that you know you won't follow through with).
She can have some input and negotiate some things - there should be some give and take on it.

I lived at home through college and did all my chores while commuting back and forth to campus.
There were times when Mom and me didn't see each other for months - I'd be sleeping when she went to work or she'd be sleeping when I got home.
We left notes for each other on the fridge (this was before cellphones).
Occasionally we did things together but I mowed the lawn right up until I moved away for my first job in my profession.

There might be something more wrong with her. Talk to her. Did something terrible happen in college to her or a friend? If shes going to college, getting good grades - she's got a good head on her shoulders - why would she act this way. Did she go to a party and something bad happen there? Have a heart to heart talk, remain calm even if she gets defiant. See if you guys can work it out.

Before asking her to leave home, what about removing other privileges - drives places, phone if you pay for one, use of vehicle, paying towards college .....

The way it works with my sister's family (and it works really well) is the kids worked throughout high school, summers, and college (part time) and half their pay went towards college. The rest was theirs for fun. It taught them to be responsible and that it wasn't a free ride. I'm sure they had attitude at times (some of that is normal) but my sister would not lend the car, etc. if so.

Maybe you've tried this already. I haven't been through it yet myself - so hopefully other moms who have will be able to guide you :)

She needs to get a part time job. It doesn't have to be a lot of hours, even 1-2 shifts per week. What does she do for spending money? Do you still give her an allowance? Do you pay for everything she asks for? Movies? Fast food? Gas? Beauty products? Stop funding her non-necessities, period. She is a young adult, and she can earn these things that many teens do at an even younger ages. The more she wants, the more she knows she has to work for it. We tried nagging our oldest for the longest time to get a job. The only thing that worked was when we said she could no longer use the car until she had a job, period. She had a lot of anxiety about the whole application process, and she needed a little push to get motivated and get over that hurdle. Now that she has a job, she loves working and earning money.

Tell your daughter the chores your expect to be done and by when. If they are not, shut off her wi-fi or cable tv, or hold car keys until done.

I'm not sure what you mean by her being aggressive with her younger siblings means, but you need to protect the youngers and ensure they feel safe and will not be attacked in their own home. That's priority over walking on eggshells because your worried your 19 year old won't finish college.

She probably feels frustrated because she would like so much to be independent but can't afford to be yet. Still, it's not acceptable to take that out on the family.

Are you paying for college? Could you afford to pay for her to live in a dorm or campus housing? If so, you could give her the choice to moving to one of those places if she wants to finish her program that you are funding. If she has to live with roommates she will find out really fast that no one likes living with someone who isn't doing their share of chores

Updated

She needs to get a part time job. It doesn't have to be a lot of hours, even 1-2 shifts per week. What does she do for spending money? Do you still give her an allowance? Do you pay for everything she asks for? Movies? Fast food? Gas? Beauty products? Stop funding her non-necessities, period. She is a young adult, and she can earn these things that many teens do at an even younger ages. The more she wants, the more she knows she has to work for it. We tried nagging our oldest for the longest time to get a job. The only thing that worked was when we said she could no longer use the car until she had a job, period. She had a lot of anxiety about the whole application process, and she needed a little push to get motivated and get over that hurdle. Now that she has a job, she loves working and earning money.

Tell your daughter the chores your expect to be done and by when. If they are not, shut off her wi-fi or cable tv, or hold car keys until done.

I'm not sure what you mean by her being aggressive with her younger siblings means, but you need to protect the youngers and ensure they feel safe and will not be attacked in their own home. That's priority over walking on eggshells because your worried your 19 year old won't finish college.

She probably feels frustrated because she would like so much to be independent but can't afford to be yet. Still, it's not acceptable to take that out on the family.

Are you paying for college? Could you afford to pay for her to live in a dorm or campus housing? If so, you could give her the choice to moving to one of those places if she wants to finish her program that you are funding. If she has to live with roommates she will find out really fast that no one likes living with someone who isn't doing their share of chores

Tell her to find an apartment near campus and get her out of your house. As long as she Is in school, you pay for the apartment.

Why doesn't she apply for financial aid and scholarships? She could live on campus maybe, her age might require she be in a dorm though, that depends on the university.

I would also say there should be a huge market for roommates in your area. I think the campus housing would be my first choice so she wouldn't have to have a car to get to classes. She could park it and leave it for weeks.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk with her. And let her know that you expect her to show the family respect and what all you expect of her. And that if she can not abide by your rules she needs to find a new place to live. Them living at home while going to school is nice but if she's not respecting your rules then it's not ok. My 18 year old is working part time and will start school in the spring but he knows what I expect and what I will not tolerate. Good luck!