I have a mother who's a worrywart, clinically depressed-bipolar, and in a relationship with a man I can't stand. A father who's addicted heavily to pot (but because its only weed he feels it doesn't count), consistently in debt, gambles, and like my mother he's an emotional roller coaster.
My pregnancy was a surprise completely unplanned. My partner and I were shocked but, we are trying to make the best of things. We have our own set of problems. We question if we'll even stay together BUT all in all we are giving it all we got to try and make this work.
So, how do I keep my parents problems from becoming our problems? Our relationship is already strained and with my father I'm afraid he'll show up at my boyfriends house asking to borrow money. The worst part about it because I know my dad he'll convince my bf not to tell me and to keep it between the boys. Can you see the pressure that puts on my guy? He wants to help his new in-law of sorts but at the same time money is tight for him as well.
I'm worried that my father will begin sneaking behind my back to my boyfriend asking for favors and taking advantage of the situation. The fact that my bf got his daughter pregnant. He's an addict so he's a master at the art of manipulation.
I just don't know how to handle this because my father has also helped me a bit financially during this time since I was laid off work.
If I tell him point blank "Dad please, be understanding I don't want your favors to become a burden on my boyfriend and therefore become an issue in our already strained relationship." He would immediately turn to the defensive and explain how he's helped me through all this, and how my bf said that he didn't mind helping him blah blah....
I know all this because my sister married for almost 13 years has been through this and continues to go through this to this day.
Her husband works and my father has borrowed money from them for years! He's disrespected them for years! I've seen first hand the stress its caused them. I'm trying to avoid this path with my own relationship. But, the catch is he's helped me so I feel obligated to help him.
One thought is to stop receiving any help he offers. But, I can't control what he does when i'm not around. Bigger issue how to I explain to my boyfriend. My father has a good heart, and he can talk you out of a house and home but he knows no boundries, and expects the world to be there for him. He feels entitled to things. So on and so fourth.
I'm almost done with my pregnancy, I just want this to be a simple sweet time.
If anyone knows advice on how to keep relatives problems from becoming your relationship advice i'm all ears!
SO's response to anything your dad asks him should be "I need to discuss that with Sarah2. We make these decisions together." Repeat as needed.
Well, this situation seems like it's rather complicated so I'll stick with the basic truths. You are about to become a mother, which means that every thought you've ever had for yourself and your own happiness is about to go out the window. Why? Because you are about to be introduced to the new center of your universe...your son or daughter. They are completely dependent on you to keep them healthy, loved and well-adjusted. This will be THE single largest responsibility you will EVER have. Any "obligations" you have to others will pale in comparison to the obligation you have to raise your child in the most stable and healthy environment possible. Because the person they eventually become...the teenager, spouse, parent and grandparent they become can all be traced back to the decisions YOU make and the care you give them during their formative years.
SO....all of that to say one thing. Sometimes there are people in our lives, people that we love very much, that are toxic. As a single or even married adult, we are forced to continue having such people in our lives because no one is really suffering for it. However, things are going to be different very soon. Toxic people are going to be a much bigger threat to your child and his/her stability (i.e. your relationship with your partner) than they EVER were to you.
Am I telling you to cut your dad out of your life completely? Of course not. But (believe it or not) your "family" is about to shrink....the family that you will now protect above all others is your husband (partner) and your child. That's it. Everyone else comes second. So do whatever it takes to protect your child from turmoil in the extended family. Do whatever it takes to protect them from negative influences. Do whatever it takes to keep your relationship with the child's father stable and healthy. And don't for one SECOND feel badly about any of it.
do not accept any help whatsoever from your father.
be honest & open with your SO...no secrets, no hidden fears!
let your SO read this forum....
I agree with Steph C.
You have to be honest with your SO and explain to him how to handle your father if something does come up.
Everyone has "Crazy" relatives, you just need to be honest about him :)
My Mil is TOXIC...so is one of my siblings, & MY father.
Thankfully My hubby & I both know how they all are.
I can handle stressful situations, my hubby..not so much.
So that puts me in charge of dealing with the stresses of extended family.
I handle his mother haha
Biggest thing is keep communicating with your SO. Always keep talking.
ANd very soon your viewpoints might change, Once that baby is here it's going to be a whole different ballgame
A few suggestions that might help.
Go to a few Alanon meetings WITH your BF. This should clear up falling prey to dad's "art of manipulation"! Also, let your BF know, in no uncertain terms, that you don't expect him to "help" your dad financially at all.
Also, the more independent you two are, the less influence your parents will have in your life. So try to have you, BF and baby as an independent family unit, not dependent on your parents for anything.
Good luck & congrats on the little O.!
wow...steph c said it best. i can't do better than that. you will find that once you have a child, things look different. you will learn what a truly "toxic relationship" is, and it will become a priority to keep it away from your child. once that maternal protectiveness kicks in, you will feel the mama bear come out and you will find the strength to do what you have to to protect your child. it may end up being cutting ties with your family. it may mean standing up to them and putting your foot down. we can't see the future. but for now just wait and concentrate on you. i would probably be avoiding the phone calls myself...lol. good luck and hang in there. we all have our stories. and we all get by....
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Stop accepting any and all help from him. If you ask something of him, then he will feel like he has the right to ask of you.
Keep them out of your daily life. It's really as "simple" as that. My FIL is an abusive alcoholic and my MIL is a depressed enabler. Do we invite them to our home weekly for dinner? Nope. Do I call them regularly "just to chat"? Nope. Do we stop by their home for a visit unannounced? Definitely not.
We do, however, attend "family events" and invite them over occassionally for coffee and some play time. We don't ask them for a thing (no babysitting, no meals when we're sick, nothing!) and we don't actively include them in our daily lives. My BIL used to, but it literally drained him so he's now doing what we do. It's been better for everyone.
I think you need to take a 2-pronged approach. The first part is to be completely honest with your partner about your dad's problems. Share with him what has happened to your sister and her spouse (the borrowing & never repaying, the disrepect). Tell your partner that your relationship with him is more important to you and your new little family than your parents relationship with all of you. Tell him that you want to set some boundaries for your dad and need his help in that. Then, come up with a plan (get his suggestions, and make some of your own), for example: no loaning money to my father, period (can be revisited in case of an emergency).
The second part is has to do with your dad. You could either tell him bluntly but kindly that you will not do X, and that these other things (Y & Z) are other boundaries you will not cross. Or, you can just institute the boundaries and not discuss them or bring them up. (The hope, though, is that if you tell him what they are, when he does try to break them, you can say "Dad, remember how we told you we would not allow that? Well, we're holding to that.").
It is better for you to be completely honest with your partner & for both of you to be on the same page. And be prepared for the fact that setting healthy boundaries may make either your dad or your mom or both angry... But if the relationships are already unhealthy, it's better to just cut out the infection then let it fester and infect other parts of your lives. And chances are, even if they are angry, they will move past it when the baby arrives and/or it will soften over time.
We live a plane ticket away from everyone.
If you accept ANY help, then you are obligating yourself to them.
COMMUNICATION is key for you and your man.
