How Do You Deal with a Husband That Shows No Affection? -LONG-

Marriage counseling. He won't fix what he won't admit is a problem and you should not be making Drama.
If there are complaints about closeness by my H, I have been known to say, the day you show me love by word and affection, is the day you will get love;)

So YOU go to counseling. You find out why you need x and y and how you can get it from your spouse or deal with not getting it. I know women who want flowers every day. I like flowers, but not every day. I know women who buy themselves presents because their husbands don't. They do other things that the wives appreciate, but are horrible about gifting. If you want him to "fight", why and what does that really mean? Compare your life to your life...not to everybody else. For you, you were offended when he didn't tell you not to go. For someone else, they would be offended if their DH told them they couldn't go. So untangle yourself from "everybody else" and start figuring out your own life and marriage.

ETA: Something was lost in translation. I'm not sure I can even explain in a way you'll understand. Bottom line is you get counseling for yourself and decide if you want to stay or leave. You say you fear you are repeating your parents' loveless marriage (did you edit to add that? I don't recall that being there before.) That is an important thing. It is part of your past and what you grew up with. A "why" for what you are trying to avoid. Things like "he doesn't have the normal possessiveness" is comparing him to others. And visiting your ex when you have feelings for him to make your DH jealous IS being "tangled up" with someone.

You are not in a loveless marriage.
You are in a marriage with love...but you want a different KIND of love.
Listen, I think a lot of women have taken this "love language" thing and decided to make it about them. It's not. It's learning HOW to read the other person's love. You (univeral you) don't get to say, "Well....MY love language is affection and affirmations so HE should be doing that!" You need to say, "HIS love language is Acts of Service and he is showing me that he loves me by working long hours, doing the dishes, helping with the yard....whatever it may be."
Yes, it's really lovely that someone figures out your "language" and then bends to it. But really I think, and I could be totally wrong, that the whole point of the 5 Love Languages is to understand that your spouse IS showing love, but may not be doing it the way you understand.
What you did with your ex was wrong and I think you know that. You were looking for the ex to show you attention and you were looking for your husband to become a raging jealous freak. He fooled you! He TRUSTS you. Good lord! That's a HUGE thing....THAT shows how much he loves you. Maybe you need to stop comparing the way he is behaving with the way that your friend's husbands are behaving.
Your husband is working a lot of hours on a hard shift and so are you. You may need to take steps to get you guys out of the house.
Call a friend or family member and ask them to watch your kids on a day that you have off together. Tell your husband that you are stealing him away. Don't make it a date of talking about all the things wrong with your marriage but make it a date of reconnecting with your spouse. Go to a movie, go out to dinner, go out dancing, go to a museum....go have FUN with the person that you have created a life with. Make him remember that you are still his vibrant wonderful wife. Remember that he is still your hunk of burning love. lol
And you say he will not do counseling. My husband is a Macho Mexican. He refused to do counseling as well. Right around the 6 year mark we were in a horrible marriage. Fighting all the time, refusing to compromise, bicker,bicker,bicker. Bleh. He came home and found me in a puddle of mess just sobbing begging him to go to counseling. He refused, said he didn't need it, that we could figure it out ourselves. I told him we sucked at doing it ourselves and if he didn't want to go then I was going to leave. I was miserable, I hated all the fighting, and *I* was willing to fight for our marriage. If he wasn't then it wasn't worth it for me. Well, don't ya know....he decided to fight for us. We went to counseling and he was an unwilling participant the first week and THEN the man couldn't shut up! He LIKED going, he LIKED seeing our marriage strengthen, he LIKED that we were getting along.
It's been 5 years since then and I can honestly say....as will he....that counseling saved us.
You may think he doesn't want to go, and he may not. BUT just because he doesn't want to go doesn't mean he wont.
L.

WOW! Some of you are WAY out of line here! I don't even think some of you even read her whole post before jumping all over her. She is not receiving what should be a normal part of any healthy marriage, everyday affection. How is wanting to only have sex with her but never wanting to hug her a good thing or healthy? It's not. If my husband never showed me affection with hugs or kisses or holding my hand from time to time, sex would be extremely difficult. That's how most women are wired. Sex without any affection is like being objectified. Not saying he is doing this to her, but he clearly seems to think this marriage is about him and his needs if he cannot listen to his wife and what she needs. She clearly has tried to meet his needs. Yes, the ex thing was probably playing with fire and not the best judgement call, but sometimes we reach such a point that we will do anything and not always make the best judgement calls. None of you can tell me that you've never done something have not regretted. We all have.

I hope you, C., will take the few helpful advice posts on here and are able to find a way to breakthrough this barrier in your marriage. I personally wish I could give you something helpful too, but I really am still trying to figure out this whole marriage thing myself. I do think you yourself seeking the advice of a marriage counselor and praying daily for him and your marriage are probably the best things I could tell you. Hang in there!

Not sure how receptive your husband would be but... Years ago I told my husband I wanted/needed a boyfriend and I wanted it to be him. Fortunately he took me seriously and have been "dating" ever since.

Also, we bought a hot tub 13 years ago. That is probably the best investment we have ever made in our marriage. When we are outside, under the stars, feeling so relaxed there is nothing else to do but talk and enjoy one another's company. I highly recommend it.

Best of luck!

Allow me to recommend a great book, before you go for counseling, that was recommended to me on this very site. It's called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I am a big reader, and I've read quite a handful of marriage advice books, and I think that one is great. And it doesn't involve any big TALKs.

wait he has sex with you, but doesn't fawn over you?
He works long hours, and provides for his wife and 3 daughters. So far as you know he doesn't cheat, he doesnt beat, he doesn't hurt you other than he wont give you a hug or intimacy that YOU want.
He gave you permission to see an ex, and your pissed? why? because he didnt forbid you to see him. It means he trusted you, apparently the story given was not one of passionate, true romance that you had when with your ex.
He was your ex, and your husband is your now, he felt you were mature enough to NOT GO SEE AN EX. Especially in the state you were in. So you taunt, and flaunt this... you want to kiss a MAN THAT DUMPED you in the past and you just had a drink with. Throw a 8 year marriage away with 3 girls cause your having a whiny immature fit....

hmmmmm. Not sure who needs more counseling. Husband or you. This is not healthy NO MATTER what your love language is. I hate that love language garbage. Its just labeling something your missing, and then giving you a false sense of what you need. Like so many of the women say here. He is not a mind reader. Talk to him, he is not an affectionate guy. He had to have been that way before you met to some degree, I doubt this is not something new. Your just bored... find a way to fix that or leave. Give him the decency not to spring that on him one fine day out of the blue though.
Toying with his jealousy will get you no where but bad.

LOVE LANGUAGE IS GARBAGE if you let it rule the way to deal with your relationship. It was created to help someone understand what it is they need as far as love, and to help them deal with how others may need love and deal with it. IT IS NOT how someone SHOULD live by. Its a guide line. So his is service, hers is something else. Let me bet he has never read the Love Languages right? So how the heck is he suppose to know what she wants. Believe me most men think we are insane when we come up to them and say. BOB my Love Language is acts of service. Start doing the dishes in order for me to love you. After 10 years of doing it a certain way. I am pretty sure Bob is going to tell you, your a freaking loon. Thats what I mean when I say its garbage. When people take guidelines and make them rules, that is not going to help anything.

I really didn't like someone's statement that the love language is garbage. It is not! People show their love differently and it does pretty much narrow down to a few different ways to express your love for someone. And also that you are supposed to be happy that you are not getting beaten or cheated on? Yes, those are definitely the worst things that could happen. But your current feelings are valid. Don't let anyone convince you that they're not.

Personally, I've been married over ten years and many of my friends the same amount of time and we have some of these same complaints. Except my husband would blow a gasket if I went out with an ex. And he does trust me. So this does seem rather odd to me.

Other than this, I don't really have any good advice since I haven't figured this one out myself and neither have my friends.

the fact that he's not effusively affectionate is far less troublesome than you trying to manipulate him by your attempts to make him jealous.
if you absolutely cannot learn to accept his personality, and he's not willing to try and learn your 'love language' (an overused concept IMO) then you have some hard decisions to make.
but playing these ludicrous junior high games is an unhealthy and immature response. you are setting a terrible example of strong, vibrant womanhood for your girls.
knock it off.
khairete
S.

Try The Work by Byron Katie at www.thework.com. It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts about what a marriage should be and how your husband should behave. The work will support you in questioning those thoughts in such a way that you can move past the attachment to how it should be and allow you to find solutions to what is.

You already have this figured out, it may be that you just can't face it right now.

You give and give and give to your husband but don't get the most basic thing you need from him. Intimacy. Not the physical sort but the quiet talks, the sneaking aside hug or quick smooch, etc...

He literally has no idea what you're talking about, what your missing, and how you feel. He has no concept. You can't change him, he is who he is.

The question is....do you think you can live this way the rest of your life? Or can you make a decision to move on? To try and find a way to live without him at all?

I think that he is comfortable, he knows you love him and he is content. He doesn't get that he is failing you on the deepest level.

Your husband is heading for a lot of heartache if he doesn't change his thinking. It is normal to lose that young excitement from the early days when you're working & raising children. But he needs to realize that "happy wife = happy life" is doing things that make HER happy. In fact, that's the way God set things up. WE are to make our mate happy which will naturally make US happy! My pastor in West Texas said to take one evening EVERY MONTH to DATE....no matter how old you get! If it's just leaving the kids with grandma while you go grab a hotdog or take in a movie. YOU may be the one that needs to make that happen if you can figure out how. And perhaps you couldn't manage it once a month....once every 3 months?? But if you make him know that you ENJOY sex with him & make it worth his while, he just may see that showing you affection is part of getting AWESOME sex! I'm a widow since July 2010 & I know that marriage issues CAN be worked out. Been there, done that! Blessings to you both!

Marriage counseling is definitely a good idea. They may be able to help you find small, easy ways to get back on track. Find out why he won't do it - some guys have a real problem getting started with this kind of thing. You can do some for yourself. It'll help you, and may motivate him.

You mentioned that he is different since dating - that is kinda normal. People do work harder when courting then they do once they're married. He feels SAFE in the relationship, which is a good thing. He TRUSTS you, which is a good thing. You've been married for a long time, your schedule is crazy. Life is getting in the way of intimate contact. It takes work, and you may both be worn out. Is it possible to change shifts?

I was kinda wondering if he has undiagnosed Aspergers as he sounds very analytical and fact based. If that's the case, it would explain a lot, and might also help you as well as it could help you understand why he's "wired" the way he is, and that it's not you.

I really don't have much to offer if he's not willing to go to counseling. It's hard to change someone if they are unwilling to see the problem. You can try to sit him down and rationally talk to him. Or write him a letter pouring out your feelings. Some people are just not romantic or have a hard time showing affection. I truly feel for you. I would be feeling the same way if my husband lacked that desire/ability to show me affection. I hope you get some ideas on here. I wish you luck!

Do you still look attractive? Get a new hair color or haircut--but don't ask him to notice it. Buy new negligees (but agian don't push him to notice). Buy a few new styles of clothing that differ from what you currently like (color, style). Do things for yourself and maybe then he will take notice that you are not whining for his attention. Good luck

Has he always been like this?