How Do U Effectively Teach an a Very Strong Willed Independent Child Boudaries?

I have one of those too! Used to be FEARLESS to the point of scaring us to death!

We have learned to let her "fall" (if it won't end in anything more than an embarrassment or a minor injury) and then finish with a "can you understand why it's not a good idea to XYZ?"

I don't think staging a "lost" is a crazy idea (because we've considered it ourselves!) but we have found that turning the tables on her seems to work better.

For example, if we were at a county fair, instead of saying "you need to stay by me because I don't want you to get lost" we say "I need you to stay by me because I might need your help figuring out which rides we want to go on." The trick is finding a reason they can relate to. "Getting lost" is not something your child can relate to.

You can use your son as well. You could say "I need you to stay by Reece because he might need your help." I don't know about your daughter, but mine loves to help and feel "grownup."

We also enrolled her in gymnastics. This gave her a safe environment to try some of her crazy tricks! Turns out she's really good at it because she has more nerve than a lot of the kids, but it has also taught her caution. She has not gotten seriously hurt, but she has fallen enough to know that if you do certain things, you could fall! So doing them in the gym is a good idea, while doing it over concrete is not!

Getting lost has never panicked her. Once she wandered away from us at the store, and then calmly asked the store personnel where she could find her mom and dad. WE were freaked out, SHE was not LOL! So we told her that she could not wander away from us because WE would freak out if we were lost from her (turned the tables!)

Enjoy your daring little girl! You never know what kinds of amazing things she will grow up to do!

I have one of those - my son. My first child was & is cautious, almost scared-y-cat-ish. My son, my 2nd kid was a shocker! There's a great book by Cynthia Tobias called "You can't make me, but I can be persuaded". It was very helpful to find out how my son's mind worked so I could use reason and his personality to teach him things he needed to know. he's 13 and we still have out battles - but now I know how to deal with him.

Confrontations and telling him to do something, or NOT to do something becuase I told him will never work. When he has to do something he hates or go somewhere he doesn't want to go he has the need to express his displeasure. i used to argue with him, or tell him he had to do it. Now I understand he needs to vent. So he explains why he doesn't want to do it or go there - and I listen, allow him to finish and then say, yes honey I know - sometimes I feel the same way, but it's one of those things that has to be done - and I will explain why when he's ready to hear the explanation.

Funny thing though, while he's the more spontaneous kid (when it suits him) my quiet, cautious daughter can be more strong willed.

That strong willed personality will serve you child well when she grows up. She will be not swayed by peer pressure - of course she could end up being the leader of the pack - so you'll have to direct her energies to lead to positive places!

Best of luck mama! This is not easy!

I think for us it comes down to three ideas:

1. Choose my battles / let go of the unnecessary control struggles

My eldest will struggle for control at every turn. When she was younger, I'd get emotionally involved in our 'battles' and wouldn't step back from the unnecessary conflicts.

Interestingly, the trick with her is to give her responsibility along with freedom. For example, rather than struggle over clothes, I keep two simple guidelines: They have to be weather appropriate, they need to be appropriate per our activities (we don't wear our nice clothes to paint or climb trees and we don't wear dirty or torn clothes to town).

She has her own system to sort and store clothes (one that she came up with and that works for her), is responsible for folding and putting away clothing, and gets herself dressed in the morning without interference.

No. More. Struggle.

Likewise food. When she helps in the kitchen she eats more dinner. She'll wash lettuce, cut mushrooms, stir sauce...and suddenly she wants it.

I let her negotiate, but if she whines or throws a fit, it's a no go + consequence. You can discuss it with me and also, if I've heard your case and say no, then you drop it. She likes helping and to feel like a big kid. That was as true at three as it is at five. Just took me a little while to figure that one out.

- Find a place to channel the wild energy

Both my children are very energetic people. Getting them to sit still is an exhausting task. I have to run them out. Bike trails, open stretches of grass, games meant to keep kids running (the entire time) fresh air rain or shine, social activity, playground time (great time for me to sit and read a book or daydream because THEY go-go-go and I can let them have the space to do it) - if hours of our day aren't spent outside and kicking up dust, they become monsters.

- Consistency + Flexibility (seems like maybe they'd be at odds but in fact the two are made for each other)

There is a time and a place for everything. We have conditional rules, yes. We don't, for example, just on furniture at Nana's house. We do at home. We don't sing loudly in a library. We do at home. We don't run at the pool. We do outside (well, and inside when it's nasty outside...we also roller skate, obstacle course, dragon hunt, etc. inside 'cause it rains a LOT 'round these parts). We don't touch the walls at grandpas. We do at home. We don't eat dairy at H.'s house. We do at P.'s house. So, I teach environmental analysis and behavioral adjustment rather than black and white rule following. Can't tell you how many times I've answered a question with, "Different rules for different people at different times."

Also, some days go just as I planned (okay, not very often). Other times I have to live life of life's terms. You got wet at the beach and are cold? Okay, we're going to need to stop by the car and change before we go to the doctor. Not a big deal. We get wet and muddy.

Oh, which also leads me to preparedness. Now, if I were organized I'd probably keep a magic-bag-of-all in my car with snacks, dry clothes, money, water, books, toys, crayons, etc. Instead...My car is this overflow zone that encapsulates all of the above (and more) but without any organization. Need a toy? Check the floor. There's a towel...somewhere in the back. Right under the squirt gun. Which is under the granola bars. With is under the umbrella that we made into a jelly fish costume last year (no joke). When I clean my car everything goes haywire 'cause I loose my emergency supplies!

Someday I'll be prepared AND will be organized. Sigh. Someday.

In the meantime it really does help to have supplies on hand. I keep liquid, snacks, first aid, a few random toys, etc. on hand in my backpack. The rest hangs out in the car. That way I don't have to say no as often as I do if I'm just sticking to plans. Heck, if we have time to stop and pick blackberries on the way to the dentist, why not stop and pick blackberries!

Honestly, it sounds like you got this. You sound like a really sweet and safe mama. Good luck keeping up sister!

My DH says every gray hair started with SD saying, "Hey, Dad, watch this!"

I would keep a closer eye on her. If Reese will stick by you and not get into trouble, then you need to focus more on Grace. If she runs, you buy a leash. She may need a lot more "No, Grace" and "Hold my hand, Grace" and "Pet the cat nicely, Grace" but she'll get there. You might also want to enroll her in a tumbling or martial arts class where she gets to run and move and use her body in ways that are safer for her. Little Gym has classes for kids her age. Make sure she has her knee pads and helmet on when she needs it. And if along the way she gets scratched or falls or whatever, you take what precautions you can and realize that she's just going to be different.

You might also find that she understands after a while. "Grace, you cannot go into the water without me. You could be very hurt. If you run in without me, you will not be allowed to play in the water. If you wait for me, we can go into the water safely together." I told my DD yesterday that the school rule was that she cannot leave her class without a grown up and today she took my hand and said, "Can I leave if I take you with me?" I'm wondering if your Grace will be like that and learn oh, okay...so this is how I get to do the things I want.

Hang in there. And buy band aids!

My son, age 4, is exactly like that. Then again, LOL he gets it honestly from his mommy ;)

I have found that major consistency works well. I mean there is absolutely no bending because he will run with it. He is also a master negotiator. I mean he will literally lay different scenarios out to me several times after I have already said no. That's probably from me bringing him UP to my level rather than dropping down to his. I was never big on the whole baby talk thing. Does your daughter negotiate as well?

I have also found that Karate or some form of martial arts teaches him discipline and consequences in a respectful way that he can relate to. It has taught him that just because he CAN or WANTS TO doesn't necessarily mean that he should. Plus, it's all taught in a way of respect. It teaches them how to harness all of that energy and channel it.

My child is the one that has to get hurt... fall and hit his head, have the dog bite him, cut himself with the scissors, eat to much junk food before he grasps the concept that I was telling him the truth on what the consequences would be. Literally, the other day he was helping me cook some eggs, we have a glass top stove. He knows it's hot, he knows it will burn him, and he knows not to touch it. Did that stop him from sticking that little finger on the glass??? Heck no! 5 minute screaming fest later, WOW he finally gets it.

It hurts my heart, but sometimes I just have to step back and let him learn on his own. AND I can relate because I did the exact same things whenever I was young.

Maybe try Karate or some other martial arts, I swear it works. They do start taking children as early as 2.5 years. Oh and read the "raising a spirited child" book. It's awesome and will definitely give you a different perspective.

It's for this very reason that we employ a child harness. We've got a fearless runaway, who has many times bolted our hands and run into traffic.

I'll be tracking this question to learn some tips from the other mamas & papas.

Meanwhile, I imagine your situation is doubly hard because on the one hand you want your son to be more adventurous, on the other hand you want your daughter to be more safety minded.

The dynamic was the same for us growing up. I must say, I really chafed when I was constantly told to be quiet, and my brother was given full and undivided attention, when and if he chose to speak. I get it from an adult perspective, that it is important to parent each child individually, but from a kid perspective the inequity still hurts.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.