How Do I Tell Son?

That's hard, but your son is still young. You can get him to see things through rose colored glasses for a long time. It's great when kids don't always understand the words we use. Eventually, he'll be able to figure somethings out on his own, and without you giving him all the gorey details. Little by little, he will come to know what's going on.

I'd tell your son nice and sweetly. "Dad is really busy working on some other priorities right now."

If you're not sure that dad is out of the picture, you can tell him, "I'm not sure when we'll be able to see him again because dad is so busy. We''ll have to be happily surprised if dad comes to visit."

Even if YOU don't want to see him, you can't project that to your child And, you'll want your son to feel like he's not alone...you are a team, you and he. Make him feel it.

Good luck.

I tell my 5 year old the truth. I'm not going to lie to her or sugarcoat anything.

"Your dad has other things going on his life and doesn't want to be a daddy right now" SIMPLE/TRUTH

I don't bash him but I do tell her stories every once in awhile about him that are positive or funny.

I CONSTANTLY tell her how much I love her, and can't understand her dad nor change him. I tell her I would NEVER leave her, stop loving her etc. etc.. I tell her she's my favorite person in the whole wide world and how much I love her daily.

Her dad was inconsistant for 4 years. I wasn't happy with that nor the fact his house was disgusting and put my foot down. He decided he no longer wanted any connection, or relationship with his daughter actually said his therapist and lawyer reccomened that (no way) and has done so for a year now. It has gotten so much easier having him completely out of her life. he actually emailed me a few days ago and had the nerve to tell me I am not allowed to talk to my daughter about him, he was going to mail a gift card and I was to take her to the store and let her pick out anything she wanted, I was to tell her the gift card was from me and lie to her and never bring up his name.He told me not ever have my daughter put expectations on him or expect anything. Control freak! I told him I would never lie to my daughter to help him with his guilt. He never sent a gift card it was a hoax to get wiggle my new address out of me and play games. He is sick and disgusting and I am so glad he is not in my child's life. I'm just glad I didn't tell my daughter about the gift card and get her hopes up only to crush her. My daughter was a planned pregnancy and we had problems with miscarriage so it's very odd to me and I will NEVER understand why he no longer wants to be a father.

S.,
You show alot of maturity for not wanting to badmouth your son's father. Good for you.

To be completely honest, Julien's father being inconsistently involved in his life will be less damaging than having his mother (and/or father) try to discredit the other parent. So, as hard as it is, holding your tongue is actually loving your child for both of you.

I did this for 14 years with my daughter and she is now 16 and able to negotiate a relationship with her father that works for both of them. If you asked her, she would say she didn't miss out on anything because she had another full life aside from what was missing with him. However, her longing for closeness with him was always still there. I am very proud of her for forgiving her dad for mistakes he made in the past and, actually, helping him forgive himself. One of the main reasons dad's don't get involved in their children's lives are because they know they have screwed up, maybe not been there or whatever. And, we all know it's true - sometimes mothers don't really make it the easist thing in the world for these dads to try to do better. Why would anyone put up with all that hostility? Mothers who do that are selfish and controlling. As long as the child is not being abused, neglected, put in unsafe situations, get over it. I would ask mothers who berate their children's fathers to really look at why they are doing it. I strongly doubt, if they are honest and self-aware enough, that they are doing it for the children. Especially if they are doing it IN FRONT OF the children.

There is no reason why you can't just tell your son that you don't know why his daddy doesn't come around. You don't have to make anything up or say he has different priorities or is busy (how is THAT not badmouthing, by the way?). His father is responsible for answering those questions, not you. As he gets older, you can encourage him to ask his father.

It's alot of work for you but you know that being a single mother is hard work - I remember it well. I am married now and my daughter and I have a wonderful stepdad-husband/life but we remember fondly those days when it was just us in the apartment freezing and not having money to ever go anywhere!

It can be OK if you can just stick with the long-term idea that not badmouthing this guy is better for your son over his entire life.

Good luck to you!!!

S.,
Wow what a tough situation for you. i am very happy to hear you do not want to bad mouth his dad, no matter what an a** he is. I think it is important that you let Julien know that daddy loves him but right now daddy is really busy. I am sure that his father does love him, however sometimes it is really hard for young people to set their priorities straight. (I speak from watching my sisters now husband become a daddy at 17) It is very important you stress to him just how much you love and care about him and that daddy does too, he is just busy with work, school or whatever. Do get excited for Julien when daddy does come for visits as this will help him. I wish you the best of luck with this, hon and if you need anything at all you can email me @ ____@____.com
Good luck to you
B. SAHM of Hannah 5yrs and Sam 1 yr.

my father to my 4 year old did that also.. and finally i told his father if he cant be here every other weekend or a couple times a week dont bother.. so finally xmas of last year his father called and asked if he could drop gifts off and i said yes being the nice person i could be.. he was 45 mins late and came in dropped the presents on the floor and asked my son for a hug which he didnt want to so his father felt like shi.. and left out the door his father was there for 2 mins and hasnt seen him in months.. so i then called his mother and told her what happened and told his mom to tell him not to bother to call me anymore.. my son doesnt ask for his father.. but does once in while call my boyfriend dad.. which we inore. when it comes time i know im gonna have to explain why and where his real father is but for now i refuse to tell or explain that his father isnt here.. that was his father choice.. when he gets older i will give my son the choice to look his father up. if my son doesnt want to well then i will drop it.. good luck.. if you wanna message me to talk i will message you back.. my email addy is ____@____.com
good luck

hunny i feel for you.you had your baby so young but ive been there.i have 4 kids and im a single mom.if hes in and out keep him out.itll take awhile if at all when dad grows up.my 4 year olds dad is 36 and he dont see my son.just be a great mom.you have time to meet a special someone and he'll love your son too.just dont get caught up and have history repeat itself.be strong and youll make it and so will your son.just give him all the love in the world!

well me i have 3 boys and they dad do the samething but what i no is we have to be dad and mom just tell him dad love u but he is not with us right now but allway if he can lat him call my kids dad do not call so i lat then call him u do not wont him to grow up and say my mom did not lat me talk to u or see u .u do not wont that. but all u can do is be a good mom and allways #1

Being that he's only 2.5 right now, I'd keep it really simple. "I don't know where daddy is right now" should suffice. It's the truth and it doesn't cause your son to feel unloved by his daddy. That way, if dad comes to his senses before your son get's old enough that "simple" isn't enough, your son hopefully won't have abandonment issues.

While it's improtant never to lie to our children. It's most important that we don't damage them with the truth either. I know when my first husband left me with two small daughters. I wanted so badly to bash him because I wanted him to hurt as badly as he had hurt me. Deep down I didn't want them to love their dad...I wanted them to be angry at him too. BUT I had to refrain from acting on those feelings for the good of my daughters. Their dad left and didn't care about them. That was the truth, but I was not about to tell them that. They are teenagers now and have formed their own opions.

You're wise beyond your years. You're putting the emotional stability of your son before your own emotional well being. Good for you!