How Do I Help My Husband? - Sparta,NJ

Stop buying the junk food. I would also suggest quit pressuring him, nagging him, talking about it. He knows. It sounds like maybe he's a little down/ depressed about something and he's eating his feelings. He knows what he looks like, what the health risks are and while you mean well, you're just reminding him of it. Take a walk after dinner, as a family. Plan activities where you all get moving...to the park, walks, etc. Be supportive by being the example and try to build him up.

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okay, let's start with dinner: serve the salad 1st. No other options.

The chicken cutlets: were they breaded? Fried, baked? That all makes a difference!

The rice & the peas: you served 2 starches!! That's a no-no! Peas, corn, & a few others count as starches....not vegies!

& then we have the desserts.....omg, I bet you wanted to slap him!! J/K, but ?? how do you stop an overeater like this? I believe the answer is to not buy the junk in the first place. Or buy "no-sugar-added" products.

Don't talk to him anymore about this. Simply start buying better choices & zip your lip! Start taking a nightly walk after dinner & hope that he joins you. Hope this helps.....

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Quit putting it in the house.

The fact is you can't help him or make him make the right choices. Only he can do that. But you can make him harder to do it at home. Don't offer rice, pasta, at dinner. If you offer a potato, offer baked and only make enough for everyone to have one. Offer only low fat cheese and fat free sour cream for topping. Only have low sodium salt in the house. You can't control his eating, but if you are the primary shopper, you can control his choices of food in the home.

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Well, you can't make him but you can take out substantial life insurance out on him. Level term is usually the best formthe money as you will need it mostly so you don't face hardship raising kids.

The only way you M. be able to motivate him is to find something he really wants and then let him have it when he loses so much weight.

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If you don't purchase the junk, he can't eat the junk at home.
LBC

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Oh my gosh, I would have thought I wrote this!! My husband too was a former Marine. He got out about 3yrs ago & has gained a bunch of weight. He started out at about 175 and is currently 245. We have a 2yr & one on the way. I do not have any advice because like you I have tried these things. When I say something, he gets defensive and thinks I am just making fun. That is not the case. I don't care so much what he looks like because I love him regardless but he is also borderline with high b/p. My husband works and does tv too. THATS IT! I think my hubby has become some what depressed since leaving the Marines. He is kinda of a closed book. I never know what or how he thinks or feels. I will be reading your responses to see if I can get some help too! Good luck

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he sounds depressed to me.
Don't have the unhealthy stuff in the house.
I keep a bowl of fresh grapes in the fridge, cut up melons, and greek yougurts.
No chips. If he needs a crunch snack have some celery washed and ready in the fridge to slap some peanut butter on.
If you are the one doing the grocery shopping you are the one in control of what you have in the fridge and pantry. Granola sweet and salty nut bars are really good, and much less fattening than some other snacks.
Get sherbit instead of ice cream.
He's eating for pleasure and boredom. Can you change that for him? Sounds like he needs some quality attention.
If he was your child what would you do?
I really hate to see fat kids, it's the mom's problem when she has an obese kid.... and then it becomes the kids problem as well.
My husband will still take sex over food if its offered... and at his age its the healthier choice.

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The thing is you are making it worse by bugging him. You cannot change him but only make him feel worse. If you stop buying it he will eat it at work or in the car or in the bathroom and he'll be the one hiding it from you. You just have to stop and accept there are some things that are unchangeable.

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My husband's dad eats just like that, same weight and everything. By the age of 50, he has already had 2 open heart surgeries and stints put in his heart. He will be needing some stints replaced... these are not easy procedures nor do they guarantee his health UNLESS he makes changes to his diet and exercise routine. Fortunately, he is finally starting to walk on a treadmill and eat better. Exercise has to happen slowly! Blood pressure doesn't prevent clogged arteries also, so no, keeping his blood pressure down will not prevent a heart attack! Also, is that what he wants? To be on blood pressure meds, or would he rather be healthy and med free? Is his weight effecting his sleep, sex drive, self-esteem, energy, perhaps even your attraction to him? I know it would effect my attraction to my husband. Not only is he at risk of heart attack, but also diabetes and sleep apnea... both very very serious!

I have another friend who was in pretty good shape, he was only 30. He was helping a friend move. He just dropped down of heart attack and died right there in front of all his friends, left his wife a widow to 4 very young children.

For one, don't buy chips, ice cream.... If we want ice cream, we go out for ice cream as a family treat. I don't allow too many snacks in my house. Alternatives to chips are, pretzels, rice cakes, dehydrated veggie chips, unsalted popcorn, celery sticks, handful of nuts or trail mix....

Just sit down, and calmly yet firmly tell him your concerns. You are worried about his health. You worry he will leave you and your children alone. You are not feeling like he wants to be a part of the family when he goes and self soothes on dessert in front of the tv.

Go on nightly walks together, do the exercises together, learn to cook more healthy options, keep the junk out of the house. Join sparkpeople.com together, it's very motivating and free. They even have an app for the phone.

Watch the documentaries Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead or Food Matters with him, They are on Netflix.

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The suggestions you already have are very good. If you don't bring the junk into the house, all of you will get healthier. (Wait a minute. Could *I* live without chips? It would be hard. Could I live without chocolate? I don't knooooow....)

If you fix just enough for everyone at mealtime, and serve the food on the plates instead of in bowls, that automatically cuts down on portions because there will be no seconds or left-overs.

But you can't make somebody else get healthy. I've worked on my eating and exercising for the last few years (by nature I'm a chocoholic and as athletic as a marshmallow), but I can't make my husband take the same sort of interest. He is diabetic, among other problems. I really don't know how much longer he'll be around, even though he's from a long-lived family.

Don't be fooled: your husband isn't unaware of his situation. He's just refusing to budge. Many people do that when they have gotten into a hole they don't think they can ever get out of. They hate it, but they can't say anything, much less do anything.

If I were you, I'd not mention it to your husband any more. He knows what you want. He won't forget it. But, like an alcoholic, he has to get to the point when he seeks help for himself. I hope he will do it soon. Meanwhile, develop and maintain a healthy eating and exercise *lifestyle* for yourself and for your children.

If you watch "The Biggest Loser" on TV, and your husband gets into that, he'll see people who have gone way out of control with their health and are really struggling to get it back.

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I am in the same boat as your husband. I do almost all of the shopping. My wife and I both fight the "battle of the buldge".

I quit buying chips and don't buy brownies and don't make them myself. That helped me tremendously. I know I could buy them myself, but I don't and I don't buy sugar sodas except rarely for my wife. The only "fat heavy food" (read: potato chips, corn chips, cheetos, french fries) I buy is cheese. My wife and I have cheese on our tacos.

Recommendations: Get your husband to buy into the idea that you both need to loose weight and go on a diet. My wife and I bought a Wii and use the weight loss program and weight tracking idea almost exclusively. We celelbrate the losses (but NOT with food) and mourn the gains together.

Don't buy the stuff you don't want him to eat. You and I know he can buy them on his own, but then its him, not you. I have bought exactly two cartons of ice cream in the last year, just three quarts. My wife and I ate one in a week and the other is still in the freezer, unopened. We bought it to satisfy the cravings.

I went on the 6-week Body Make Over. I was amazed. I lost 25 pounds in three weeks. I lost so much weight the first week (16 pounds) that I had to check to see if my scale was broken. Its not an easy diet. But with a little self control, it works. I love rice and gravy! And this diet lets me eat the rice, if not the gravy.

I found that eating an apple does more to make me feel full than eating a big dessert and an apple satisfies the sweet craving. Only cook as much as you are supposed to eat. Ask your husband if he would like a chef salad for dinner. Find out how to make a good one if you don't know already. My wife does chef salads much better than I do.

After you get your huband to buy in on the diet idea, ask him how you can help and if you and he should help each other with your diets. Act on what he tells you. My wife complements me on every loss, and I her, even if it was 0.2 lbs like it was yesterday. We comiserate with each other on the gains.

I found with my diets that if I live my diet very strictly for 6 days and then eat what I want, it satisfies the cravings. I eat what I want, but not as much as I want. Before I learned that, the diets would stop because of the cravings. That's why I bought a carton of ice cream. It satisfied the cravings. I make sugarfree jello for the desert value. I bought some 10 ounce clear glass bowls to make the jello in. They are not like the wide cereal bowls and they define "one serving" and with sugar free jello are about 15 calories.

Good luck to you and yours.

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Sadly, he sounds depressed, and the conversations probably just make him feel worse.
I know it's not fair to the rest of the family, but since he clearly has no self control when it comes to sugar/junk food/carbs just don't keep it in the house. Only buy and prepare healthy, low calorie, high protein stuff. If the kids and you feel like a treat, go out for an ice cream cone or a donut during the day while he is at work (or on your way to/from work if you work outside the home.)
Are you active as a family? Do you have bikes, or a dog that needs a walk? Do you live near trails or another nice area to walk to as a family? I think the best motivator to get up off the couch is to go and do something FUN together. Maybe if you start there, get him moving and enjoying life again, that will help.
I can tell you that I gained 60 plus pounds with each of my pregnancies and it made me feel SO tired and slow. I can't imagine carrying around 80 extra pounds all the time. I hope he's able to get over whatever hump this is. If he's an ex Marine then maybe there are some resources for him if in fact he is depressed. Otherwise, I'm not sure how much YOU can do. He needs to want to change. Good luck.

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You can't do anything to motivate your husband to be healthy. He has to want it.
Dr. Oz did an intervention on his show last season with just this problem. I don't know if you can find info about it on his website. He was able to get through to the guy that he probably would not be around to see his children grow up.
Can you get him to go for a check up with a doctor that does more than just prescribe drugs?
You can stop doing anything that enables him. Eliminate any unhealthful foods from your house and only serve healthful meals.
Maybe taking out a life insurance policy would open his eyes a little.

Updated

You can't do anything to motivate your husband to be healthy. He has to want it.
Dr. Oz did an intervention on his show last season with just this problem. I don't know if you can find info about it on his website. He was able to get through to the guy that he probably would not be around to see his children grow up.
Can you get him to go for a check up with a doctor that does more than just prescribe drugs?
You can stop doing anything that enables him. Eliminate any unhealthful foods from your house and only serve healthful meals.
Maybe taking out a life insurance policy would open his eyes a little.

Updated

You can't do anything to motivate your husband to be healthy. He has to want it.
Dr. Oz did an intervention on his show last season with just this problem. I don't know if you can find info about it on his website. He was able to get through to the guy that he probably would not be around to see his children grow up.
Can you get him to go for a check up with a doctor that does more than just prescribe drugs?
You can stop doing anything that enables him. Eliminate any unhealthful foods from your house and only serve healthful meals.
Maybe taking out a life insurance policy would open his eyes a little.

1 mom found this helpful

The kind of help you are trying to give him is counter intuitive. I am just like your husband and I do better when I work at it myself. When people try and be the food police with me, I just resent it. He is not stupid and especially if he's been in shape in the past. I've never been in shape. I have no idea what that feels like. But he knows. You need to pray and keep your pipe shut.

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you cant do anything about it must come from with in at least dont buy juke food and ask him to go for a walk everyday with you and kids its a start

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How timely is this conversation?! My husband and I had a bit of a row this morning on the way to work. He works about 3 blocks from my job so we commute together. It's the only time I have alone with him that he isn't glued to the tv, computer, or sleeping. Basically I told him that I'm tired of doing all the work of a home myself. He points out he did the dishes for the last 4 days; I've been insulating the garage and putting up plywood walls, organizing the tools, prepping the snow blower, cleaning out the car, and storing the motorcycle.

I hear "I'm tired" all the time. He's supposed to be working toward a 6 pack that HE promised to have by May. He had two jumbo hotdogs(600+ calories each) and coleslaw for dinner (he made because I wasn't hungry and was busy). I had salad. If I point out his eating faux pas, he eats worse. He's promised for the last 5 years to give up diet soda - he brought home a garbage bag of empty bottles from work this week.

He has HBP, a blockage, high cholesterol, and sleep apnea. He's diabetic. I know he means to get healthier, it's just not going to happen until he gets scared enough or he wants it bad enough. I have no control over him or his eating habits. I have changed diets multiple times to help him - all at his request. We've done the Ornish method, gone vegetarian, had the XP diet, tried just reasonable portions - nothing worked. I have a basement full of exercise equipment and weight lifting machines - I could start my own gym with all the equipment. We joined the Y for a year even. He is still not willing to put the effort into being healthy.

I just quit trying to help him. He doesn't want it. I have to let him do his own thing and just step aside. I understand your frustration. I wish I had the magic answer to share, but I send my encouragement to continue being healthy for yourself and your kids. It's a good example you're setting.

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I believe Ann Landers gave this advice: Buy an enormous Life Insurance policy on his life now. Plan to spend the money with your second husband. Make sure he knows what you are doing and why you must.

If that does not motivate this ex-Marine to change his ways, nothing will. You will need the security of a large policy to raise his children since he seems uninterested. Good luck to you.

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oh gosh.
My late Dad... had high blood pressure, heart problems, loved good food, was Diabetic, and... he died because of it.

Your Husband, needs to see or get referred to, a Nutritionist.
It is very possible to eat healthy and good food.

Just FYI: but rice (white rice) is a simple starch.... and very not good, as most simple processed starches is. You can, replace it with brown rice.

And NO.... meds or blood pressure meds... does NOT, 'cure' the medical problem. Your Husband needs to know that.

Please show him my reply, if you think he can understand.

My Dad died, because of those things.
My Dad died, fairly young. Only in his 60's. And yes, we as his children... were very saddened and I still miss him, very much. Everyday.

And yes, my late Dad... ALSO had had a Stroke. Too.
And, this is very debilitating. AND he could not work AND his eyes were almost blind.

I do not mean to scare you.
But your Husband needs to know, how PROFOUNDLY.... bad, this is.
And how his eating... will really damage his body.

He needs to see a Nutritionist for his conditions... AND take classes on it and exercise. Even just walking up and down the street... is fine.
AND perhaps he needs to join a community support group.... for overweight people or compulsive eating.

And you... need to learn how to cook healthy, maybe seeing a nutritionist as well.

As a wife, nagging won't help. My Mom did not help my dad by doing that. So I know.
They are in denial.

My Dad died.... because of those medical conditions.

Your Husband needs to see his Doctor.
And I would also wonder if he is Diabetic. Being he is so overweight.

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Check out http://www.oa.org
It's Overeaters Anonymous and it helped me. It's also free.

The easiest thing is for you to make your house a healthy house. Don't invite his nemesis in the house. His nemesis is junk food. It will be hard on the kids, but let them know that it's temporary until Daddy looses weight, he needs their support and for them to set an example as well, and it will be healthier for them too. (You can sneak them small bags of chips once in a while.) Instead of ice-cream, buy fat free frozen yogurt. Don't buy any more regular yogurt, because you don't want him double dipping if he's going to eat frozen yogurt. Buy the chocolate sryup in the can instead, because it has less calories and no fat. Get rid of the nuts, because they add tons of calories. Put a fruit basket in plain view, so it looks inviting. Keep celery sticks and carrot sticks in lightly salted water for easy access. Watch your starches and only have one starch available per meal. (Starches: peas, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, bread, pasta, etc.) He doesn't like salad then try other vegies like string beans, (You can put parmesan chees on the to make them more appitizing to him.) spinach, broccoli, brussel sprouts, asparagus, etc. Have family time after supper every night. Family time can be going for a walk, biking, badminton, family style soccer, basketball, etc. It's a lot easier if everyone is on the same diet and doing the same activities to show support and love.

Maybe you two could watch the documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. It is excellent. It journals a man who was more overweight than your husband is, who had an autoimmune disease brought on by his diet and weight, and who determined to change his life. It is very inspiring. If you have netflix, you can stream it. If not, google it. You should be able to figure out how to watch it. Amazon might have it available for streaming for a couple of dollars also.
You can't make him lose weight. We all know it has to come from within. Will he go for a walk with you and the kids? Maybe you can start a routine or something like that together after he gets home or after dinner.

Good luck to you. My hubs was a chunky kid, and a chunky adult. He used to be a ski instructor to keep his weight in check.

I've seen him do multiple diets strictly, then resume old eating habits. His usual M.O. was to drink coffee all day, then eat 4 servings of dinner. He'd be cranky because he was hungry all day, and then cranky because he was overstuffed at night. There was no exercise at all on his agenda.

He was tired of the dieting cycle, and recently got a lap band. Weight has come off, his energy has improved. He continues to go all day without food, and then eat a serving of dinner.

I am an all day grazer, blessed with a good metabolism, and a good sense of my stomach capacity. If i don't exercise, I feel cranky.

I have suggested that he try doing things my way. He said that it would feel as unnatural and anxiety causing for him, as it would if the tables were turned.

Good luck and hugs to you both.

This may sound a bit cruel but I'm practical too. Make certain the life insurance policy stays current and is for more than enough to sustain you and the children in case of the worse possible scenario.

Stop buying junk and brining it in the house since you are probably the one handling the grocery shopping.

Put the good stuff out of the fridge and near the place where he vegges to watch tv. Stop talking to him about this. He doesn't need you to mother him. Try other ways to encourage him. Such as taking the 3 year old out in a wagon for just plain fun.

Does he have any buddies? Get his buddies to get him up and out.

If you can squirrel the money away for a personal trainer for him then just do it. Sometimes outside motivation helps. Only you know or should know what motivates your husband. My husband is also overweight. He intends to loose 80 lbs by December. My caution to him is to loose the weight in a way he will keep it off. His problem isn't so much portion control as it is lack of activity.

I am supportive of his decision though and I don't buy any junk of any kind any way. I am really thinking about a way we could both get some exercise in. I may just end up buying some kind of fun fitness video and challenging him with the boys. This may help. Good luck.

You can't force him to eat healthy. You can not buy all these brownies, ice creams and other junk food, if you are in charge of the food shopping. You can't force him to eat salad, he is a grown man and can make his own choices. Make sure he's got plenty of life insurance and see if you can get him in to a doctor and/or nutritionist, not that he's necessarily going to listen to them. He is probably not an idiot, I'm sure he knows what healthy choices are and are not, he is just not choosing healthy. Instead of asking him if he'd join a gym and buying him ice cream, I'd have a serious face to face talk about how his health is at risk, he is obese, sedentary and has a serious health concern already, and that he's being a bad father by putting his life at risk, and let him know that you expect him to do something about this - and have a large life insurance policy for him to sign, if he can pass the physical. Good luck

My sugestion is to break out the pics of him when he was younger, thiner, and Marine buff. Do not say any thing just look at them on the couch untill he comes to sit with you to see what your doing or your oldest comes to see. Just remineces. Do you need to lose a few pounds. Lose it the healthy way and try to motivate him. Ask him to go on walks with you and the kids to the park. Maybe teach your 3 year old how to fly a kite, throw a ball or ride a trike. When you finally get him to go. Tell him how much fun you had, and how you cant wait to do more stuff like this. Try to go do stuff like geocaching your 3 year old would love it. Make healthy meals and limit sweets. Freeze grapes in the freezer (my husband loves them). You can not make him change. He has to want to. Remind him what he is missing.

Well my father inlaw was put on a meal plan for Meats and Greens....for every meal. He cut baack on weight a bit. Also...stop buying the fating foods. Ice cream, chips, brownies. Try a fruit salad for dessert. That way if he wants it. HE has to get up and go get it. Maybe talk him into going on a waalk with you and the girls after dinner. Maybe get a gym membership with him. Its a tough habit to break but I understand your concerns.