Sorry if this is long. My 84 year old father spent the first 6 months of last year recovering from a badly botched prostate surgery and subsequent stroke. It was a long road, but he made it through. In September, he opted for a knee replacement as his knee was useless and he wanted to be mobile. He spent months recovering, but then developed an infection about a month ago. To clear the infection, the knee had to be removed for about 9 weeks. He's currently in a rehab/nursing home and is doing well. We expect a new knee to be put in around the middle of May and then the recovery process starts all over again. He is stubborn and strong so I think he'll do OK.
The problem is Mom. She's 78 and in good health. She's doing a better job this time around of not spending every waking moment at Dad's bedside as she's done in the past. She realizes now that doing that hinders his recovery. She goes to the rehab daily for a few hours and then goes home. She and Dad are not what you'd call a good example of marriage. They're just complete opposites and they antagonize each other - Dad moreso than Mom. She tends to be the doormat/martyr type. She is probably the most negative person I know. She's probably been somewhat depressed her entire life and she won't get help of any kind - we've tried everything.
So - here comes Easter. Mom could easily visit Dad in the morning and then we would drive her to one of my sister's home for dinner. She and Dad couldn't attend our usual Christmas gathering and it was a disappointment to all, although we understood that Dad (who was home at the time) just wasn't up to it. So Mom has told us that she won't be coming for Easter or any other holiday in the foreseeable future. She "can't celebrate" while Dad is in "crisis". BTW, he would be the first person to tell her to go and enjoy herself.
My sisters and I know Mom needs a break and a change of scenery. Her 6 grandchildren miss her and have only seen her in the hospital setting over the last few months. There's a part of me that is angry because, all told, there are 12 other people in our immediate family who she is forgetting about. We feel like we're losing Dad and Mom both (even though both are alive and well). Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I know we can't make her do what she doesn't want to, but there's no reason why she can't spend a few hours with the rest of the family. My brother in law even offered to go and sit with Dad all day on Easter so Mom can see us, but she refused the offer. Ughhhh. I should mention that the nursing home is about 35 minutes drive and Mom lives an hour from my sisters and me. We ALL visit Dad weekly and call him and Mom daily.
omg, the family martyr.
i'll be reading the responses with interest. i have no suggestions for you, just sympathy. i too get exasperated with the attitude that all the OTHER family members who would love some face-time disappear, while the martyr droops and sighs over how hard they've got it.
khairete
S.
My parents have been married 50+ years and are the ages of your parents. I believe it is partly a generational thing. My mom would do the same thing yours is doing. When my dad had heart surgery, my mom camped in the ICU waiting room. The nurses had a hard time waking my dad and asked her to come back in his room. Because he did so much better with her just being presnt, they asked her to stay. My parents deep love and respect for one another is one of the sweetest love stories I've ever known. My sister and I often joke that we hope they leave the planet together because either will be equally lost without the other. My mom would want to be close to my dad in case he needed her. I also think at their ages they recognize everything can change in a moments notice. Your dad's last two surgeries have had serious complications and I'm sure that colors things for both of them.
If the place where your dad is isn't too far like you've stated, why not have your celebration then fix them both a plate and go visit them there? Lots of people in the nursing home won't have a single visitor that day. Think of the joy your family, especially the kids, could bring there. You could even make it a project for the kids to decorate cookies or make some sort of decoration for the other residents there. A friend of mine has her kids make simple Christmas ornaments each year and they deliver them to the nursing home by their house. The residents are thrilled to have her children wish them a merry Christmas.
You can certainly get angry or resentful. You can also choose to be grateful you still have both parents and are close enough to go see them. You can set an example for your children that as people age their ideas may not make sense to us but we still love and at that point maybe we try harder to understand because they need it more. I hope when I'm 80+ years old my kids will remember all the fun things and special memories we've made and it will make it easier for them to have grace for me when they don't get the decisions I'm making.
Blessings!
L.
Yeah...I see your frustration.
But you can't make her do anything.
All you can do is change your reaction to her behavior.
Shake it up. Do something different than you normally would: pile all of the grand kids in the car after dinner & go see them, take dessert, Make a group call from your sisters house.
Your mom is an adult & gets to choose how she spends her holiday.
Answering as gently as possible . . . she is doing what she wants to do for a reason. She is not helpless, or without choices. She is doing what works for HER. If it were me I'd accept it, but I wouldn't let her play the martyr or waif in my presence.
They probably have a very co-dependent relationship where each one must perform his/her part.
Stay out of it. Mourn that she's not ever going to be the kind of person who will "rise above" and be there in the way you want her to.
JMO.
Wow....
Um, she's an adult, and she has already expressed her "needs". (Why the sarcastic quotation marks around "can't celebrate" and "crisis"??)
If your mother really has some ongoing issues with depression and is struggling with the realities of her husband not being well, why on earth are you trying to force her to put on a happy face for the benefit of the extended family on a holiday?
Have an Easter celebration. Have a great time with all who attend. Respect the current emotional needs of your mother. Come to terms with the fact that your mother is not just in existence to be your mother, your children's grandmother and your father's wife, she is an individual.
If the grandchildren really are missing her, have them visit her one on one so it's not an overwhelming large group "party" environment where she feels like she has to put on some kind of happiness performance to please everyone.
I understand that you miss her, but I also gather from the way that you write that you feel more annoyance right now than patience or compassion. It honestly sounds like you have some boundary issues.
Sorry, I agree there's no way to make your mom do anything. She probably feels guilty about having a good time when your dad can't. Maybe you could tell her you miss her and find another way to spend time with her.
Maybe your dad is her security blanket?
I have a MIL who is very similar and there is nothing we can do either. It's really frustrating. Who knows why they do what they do ...
Honestly, if she did come and was negative and brought everyone down, would you really want that, and the stress of trying to change her ways? If she feels guilty or down for sharing Easter with you, it will just bring everyone down.
If it were me, I would pop in at Easter at the hospital or her home and bring her flowers and chocolate. Keep it short and sweet - just enough to say Happy Easter, and then go and enjoy the rest of the time with your family.
My MIL has no idea how to be a part of our family or celebrations. I gave up this Christmas when she just was miserable and obviously was not up for it. She cried in front of the kids and I realized this was never going to work. At some point you have to accept that and them.
I feel for you - it's so hard. You mean well and want the best for your mom and your family. Good luck :)
Sounds like your Mom needs to get out and cultivate a few girlfriends.
Everyone needs someone who they can go have a cup of coffee with, see a movie or play bingo or take a yoga or craft class together with so they can vent about their loved ones.
Ultimately you can't change her and you have to accept her for the way she is.
I second the vote for bringing plates to the nursing home to both of them, along with flowers or something else to share with the residents. That would be lovely and bring the whole family together.
I think Lori's response is absolutely brilliant and a great way to turn this into a family event and a demonstration of giving!
I sympathize with your dilemma - but your parents' relationship is not going to change after all these years. If your mother is a negative "doormat" type, she's getting an emotional payoff from the martyrdom. On the plus side, she's not sitting in the nursing home all day, and you father either has to be nice to the staff or he can at least be domineering to someone other than your mother. If she feels guilty for not being with him, or with you all, that's her problem.
My mother spent a lot of time in a rehab nursing home after a surgery, and she was incredibly difficult. But there are tons of people there who have no one and I think you could do a lot with the kids to "decorate" Grandpa's room (and, by extension, the community or activity room) for the benefit of other patients/residents. Kids of all ages can make construction paper tulips & daisies - you can take a bunch there, or you can talk to the staff ahead of time about having the kids make some with the other residents at a bunch of the smaller tables in the activity rooms. Take paper supplies, scissors, markers tape, glitter, glue-on shapes or stickers, etc.
If any of the kids like to sing, rehearse a few songs and have them go "Spring caroling" from room to room - they don't have to be Easter songs or even spring songs - just old American favorites that all will know ("Take me out to the ball game" or "Do-Re-Mi" from the "Sound of Music", anything they know).
Talk to the staff ahead of time about whether you can bring homemade cookies or (for safety reasons) store-bought goodies. Not everyone can eat them all due to diabetes or other health issues but maybe you can get some guidance.
What's that saying about leading a horse to water? Well, it is up to your mom to do the changing. Some women feel they must be there as a martyr even when it is not necessary. It could be how she was brought up as a child you don't know.
I know that when my husband was in hospital in ICU and after for another surgery, he felt better with me being there in the room sewing and doing my usual thing. The hospital did not have to worry about him and if he needed something, I was there to call them for help. He also did the same for me last July.
The connection between your parents is their personal relationship. This is what keeps them together. As children you can't or don't understand why they do what they do. You also have to remember that you as grown children have your own lives and families to tend to so you are not part of the nuclear family anymore.
Do gather the clan and head to the nursing home for a brief visit of both and the rest of the residents. Change what you can and accept what you can't and move on. One day they will not be here and you will regret all the anger and resentment that this can/could cause.
the other S.
PS My MIL just turned 95 in February and is still doing well all on her own. She has a support group in place and that is all that is important.
