Helping 7 Year Old Deal with a Friend Who Is a Bully

ETA: I want to add one thing here, which flies in the face of some wisdom: one of the ways parents really mess things up is putting *pressure*on our kids to 'stand up' for themselves. This can be really hard for some kids, who are afraid of getting other kids in trouble or that their friends might not like them. Instead of telling my kid to 'stand up' for himself, I ask him "how do you think you want to handle that the next time?" Because there often is a next time. I don't tell him how to deal with stuff--- he's had one classmate who is way to physical-- Kiddo feels the kid 'doesn't listen' so he wrote the boy a card to say that "we can still be friends if you will be nice".... that's his level of confrontation. He will defend himself in the moment, but is still a bit anxious about friendships. Giving him encouragement to address the situation in his own way is better than saying "stand up for yourself" which many kids may not know how to do on their own, esp sensitive ones. This is lifelong process, learning to say "no", and some kids get it right away, others need time to mature and let their perspectives mature as well. It's hard to watch, but necessary that we don't fight all of their battles for them-- and that we let them figure out *how* they want to fight those battles.

Here's the deal-- you will have to decide where your 'line' is. I say this as a mom who had similar issues with my son last year, seven and in first grade then.

Some of this is actually a great opportunity to practice assertiveness. Saying a powerful "no", standing with hands out, forward, when someone approaches in an an unwanted way. We practiced and practiced and practiced. Your son has to figure out what he will and won't tolerate.

When it got to the point that I didn't feel my son was being kept safe, I approached the school and told them I was going to remove my son from the school until they came up with a safety plan for him. I couldn't force the school to 'do anything' to the boy who was deliberately targeting my son, but I could control my side of things. I went after drop-off one morning and told the office staff I was taking him home because he was being bullied and that, as a parent with a conscience, I couldn't leave him at school when he was so terrorized and humiliated by this kid that he wouldn't tell the teacher when he was being punched (in the crotch, no less).

I didn't approach them with bravado, I should say. I went back to the school nearly in tears because I felt horrible about leaving him there. That morning I spoke with the principal and assistant principal, who then contacted the counselor. By seven pm. there was a safety plan in my email in box. The boys were never to be left alone during transitions, never left unsupervised, placed physically away from each other, and we worked on identifiying who our son's 'safe person to tell' at school was, which happened to be someone other than the teacher, who was a bit brisk with him.

This resolved in time. The boy and my son now play every so often on the playground. It was unfortunate it had happened-- I found out later that this kids' family was also going through a terrible divorce. I try to remember this when I see this kid--- he can be mean, yes, and he has a hard life. Having him removed from the class or the school would have only made it that much worse. Having a safety plan in place allowed the boy to have the consistency he needed and my son to have the safety he deserved.

There will always be kids like this, so start now in helping when you can but not stepping in too much. So, talk to the other adults in his life about keeping the boys on opposite ends of the room, helping them to redirect the troubled boy when he's approaching your kid... I did find that talking to the parents really didn't help at all and was very frustrating. Talking to the other adults in charge in a non-judgmental way, just "this is what I am noticing, could you help...?" Be as solution-oriented as possible. That the best advice I can give you. Good luck!

You need to teach your son to stand up to his bully and to know when to let the teacher know what's going on.

All kids go through the "I don't like so and so" so don't play with them, that's normal for the age range. But the foul language and choking is not acceptable and that's when a teacher should be informed.

People deal with bullies so differently now then when I was a kid. Back then we stood up to them if we wanted them to back down. It helped us learn how to deal with people in the real world when mom and dad weren't around.

I do see now that more and more children have behavioral problems, not sure what's causing them (I will keep my opinions to myself about that) but it sounds like "Steve" needs some help not just from parents and teachers, but for his friends to tell him to stop.

Have you spoken to the teacher, cub scout leader? I don't know if this boy is a "bully" or not but when kids are having issues all the adults who care for them should be aware of it.
That doesn't mean you don't continue to teach your son how to handle himself, speak up, etc. but really it's up to all of the adults in a child's life to monitor and guide kids as they grow and learn.

I agree with Jackie P.

My kids haven't been bullied so much but they do have a few rough kind of hyper friends. At times, it's been excessive (one jumped my son) and my son had to physically push him off - he wasn't happy about it (burst into tears..) which embarrassed him, but he wasn't going to stand for it.

Similarly, my kids have stood up to kids who bully on the playground - and told them to stop. We had a boy who was obviously pretty neglected at our kids' old school. I think he was looking for attention, wasn't connecting with kids, and had a hard time making friends. He was jealous of the kids who had friends, had Pokémon cards, etc. And he was really rough and used foul language.

The teachers were aware of it, and would step in (eventually the child was transferred to another school) but I was really happy my son learned that year (grade 2) to stand up for himself and his friends. It was a really good learning experience. Granted, the teachers were there if it got out of hand, but I liked how they handled it. And I heard about it regularly so that I was aware too.

I personally think the more kids can handle conflict and resolution on their own, the better. I had a mom once call me because my kid didn't sit with hers on a school trip. I had another one call me because my child turned down a play date in favor of wanting to just hang out at home. I think a lot of kids are losing their social skills and also coping skills because parents intervene.

So I would do both. I would not allow the choking and foul language - for sure that has to be addressed. The teachers or people in authority need to be aware - anything dangerous for certain has to be stopped.

But if your child has decided he wants to be friends with this boy, then he has to deal with the consequences. If this boy is too rough, then he will realize that it's not worth it. Or he can just learn to say enough is enough, tell the boy he won't be friends with him if he continues to bother him, etc.

That's the best way I think for kids to 'get it'. When kids tell them why they don't want to hang out with them. It's not peer pressure so much as just being honest. Some kids don't get it. They are just resentful or as you say jealous, and don't realize that's pushing potential friends away.

Good luck :)

Ok, there are "behaviorial issues" that need treatment - and hopefully he's getting help with that, and there's flat out bad behaviour that he's learning somewhere - most kids don't know the phrase "fucking assholes" unless they hear it at home so I'm a little suspect.

If the school is not dealing with a child that is violent to the point of choking kids, take it up to the next level above the school.

Also, everything that Mama R said.

Inform the scout group also. If the scout leader wasn't paying attention, he should. Violent behavior towards others should not be tolerated.

The kid needs help, but it sounds like the adults need to wake up and deal with it - hopefully they are, but it doesn't sound like anyone's trying too hard.

We had a similar situation with a bully in 2nd grade. My son was terrorized to the point of not getting out of the car at drop off. I had to take him directly into the principal's office and explain that they had to do something to help him. They ended up not allowing the two boys to be together unsupervised. The other child physically harmed my child to the point of a doctor's office visit. Thankfully, no long term damage was done, but it was a close call.

I wouldn't allow your child to be alone with this boy. Some people don't think young children can be "bullies", but they most certainly can. If they don't get what they want, they inflict damage on another person to try to get control. How is that not a bully? Anyway, the other little boy is doing much better one year later and my son and that boy interact with no problems now. In time, things tend to settle down, but either your child needs to put him in his place or you need to keep him safe. We tried a little of both.

Where are the grown ups when this is happening? I'd put Steve on their radar asap and every single time he does something to your son I'd tell the teacher, principal, etc.

I would have him moved to another class, for starters. That gives a little bit of distance and may help. If they have classes with different rotations for lunch/outside time make sure Joey is in a different rotation from Steve. In second grade he needs you to advocate for him, which you have been doing, but he needs you to step it up because he's really too young to do that himself.
As for extracurriculars - bring it up with the leaders/coaches every single time that Steve bullies Joey. Every.Single.Time. Teach Joey to say, loudly, I don't like that Steve, knock it off.

Whenever he starts to tell you about something mean this boy has done keep repeating over and over "He's not your friend, you don't have to play with him".

If this boy continues to be mean to your son and the other kids, talk to the other moms. See if you can go in group to the principal and tell the principal this child has to be removed from the school or all of you will be filing police reports. I don't care how young this boy is he is assaulting the other kids an needs to be stopped. If enough police reports are filed Children's Services (CPS) will be called in to investigate the parents and the home.

Or confront the parents and tell them to get a handle on their child or you will call CPS.

I agree with nervy girl. I hope you read her answer and refuse to let school officials continue to do nothing about this problem. You don't just have to shrug your shoulders at their apathy and ask your kiddo to be the adult in these situations. :(

Where are the adults in these situations?? Teachers on recess duty, scout leaders, sports coaches?? You need to report this EVERY TIME especially when there is choking involved. This is not up to your son to "handle" - it is up to you to report it, or to attend the sports practices or even observe the recess periods if parents can be allowed to volunteer. And that means getting out your video camera if that's what it takes.

Stop reaching out to the mother - she cannot control her son when she's not there, and whatever they are doing to "address" the issues is not protecting your son or anyone else.

The most I would tell you son is to speak up and say "I won't play with yo, ,Steve, when you push me or hit me" and tell him to go talk to the adult in charge (even if it's to talk about something else), but he needs to get to safety. And I would talk to him about what it means to be a friend. Otherwise I would absolutely put this back on the adults.

I'd put it in writing to the principal, the scout leader and the sports team coaches or their management (recreation department head if it's a town league, or private owners if not). You need to document - with photos if possible - plus dates/times/locations. This is NOT about whether your son is shy or not - don't even mention that.

ETA: Great responses by Suz T. and Nervy Girl

K.,

Where on earth are the adults in these situations? As much as we'd like to teach our kids to "work it out themselves," these examples seem too extreme and beyond what a 7 year old can successfully negotiate. Children this age are too young to not be supervised more closely.

You said that school officials are aware of this behavior but are not doing anything to stop it, correct? If that is the case, then it is time to use the power of the pen. As I said to another poster today, you've got to document this. Get this in writing because written concerns get an official response rather than just a blow off.

Include essential details only, not your opinion of 'Steve' and his status. Keep it as brief as you can while including all the important information. You're not writing the great American novel, and you don't want to lose your audience. You want them to take action. So, outline the physically aggressive behaviors (pushing, choking, tackling) and the verbally aggressive ones (calling people f*c#ing a-holes and saying "I hate____") as they have impacted your child, whether directly or what he's witnessed.

Mention that this behavior must certainly violate school district policy (I am certain your district has a written policy on physical violence, bullying whatever they call it where you live) and ask for a response that includes a plan of action to keep all children safe.

Original goes to the principal with a copy to the counselor, and teacher(s). Send a version that relates to the behaviors that happened at scouts to the scoutmaster. As violence is not consistent with any scouting ideals or mission, I'm sure he would want to know.

You can also practice with your son by role-playing and teaching him appropriate responses to violent or bullying behaviors---e.g., "Stop! That hurts!" and then, if the behavior doesn't stop, to get an adult immediately. Or, saying things like "I like Lucy. She's my friend" and then ignoring Steve. It takes practice and time for any kid to learn to these skills, but this is especially so when they are young and on the quiet side. And, even with this, adults still need to be monitoring and supervising.

Good luck with this. It's sad to see kids getting hurt and also sad for the aggressor, because you know that child is struggling with something. Hope Steve continues to get the help he needs.

J. F.