help...I Need to Find Coping Skills to Deal with 2 Year Old

Hi,

Believe me, you are not alone. I was talking with a friend who had read "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. because her son was (according to her) off the wall and did not listen or share. After hearing her thoughts on the method, I figured it wouldn't hurt to read the book myself.

I have been transitioning myself into using his method more and more and it really seems to be working. My daughter is almost 3. Personally, I feel a lot less stressed because the method is very calming since you are not having to yell. I can see that my daughter listens and I usually don't get past "2". Often times, all I have to say is "1" and her behavior then turns positive again.

But, just bear in mind that children imitate what they see. If there are a lot of hugs and kisses, they will often want to give the same. If there is a lot of yelling, they will communicate the same way.

Also, children are not born "sharers". They need to be taught how to share. As frustrating as it is watching your child hail claim to everything in sight and not be willing to share, it is normal.

As far as temper tantrums go, if you don't acknowledge them, they go away. Of course, you will want to be sure this tactic is done at home first. If you are out at the mall and a temper tantrum starts, you need to be willing to drop everything and just go (without yelling or saying a word). Once the child sees that temper tantrums get him/her what he/she wants, you will see more of them in the future.

The book is pretty amazing and goes into all sorts of scenarios. Check it out - I checked it out from our local library. I think you will find it helpful. But keep in mind, we all have our days and even 2-year olds can have a bad day and need to vent. After all, that is the age where they are between being a baby and a toddler. They want more independence, but also need guidence and limits, which 2-year olds find bothersome at times.

Finally, be sure that you have time AWAY from your child(ren). Even if it is just a bubble bath. It helps to be able to have adult interaction too, so be sure you have that as well - with your husband as well as friends.

Best of luck.

C.,
This is all completely normal. I went through the same thing when my daughter was turning 2...and I also had a new baby when she was 22 months old, so I think that was fuel to the fire. My 2 1/2 year old is still sleeping in my bed, and I have come to the realization that it is my fault that she is not a good sleeper. Everyone keeps telling me that we all "mess up our first child..." and now it seems that it is very true sometimes. I used to get very frustrated with her and yelled a few times and I still feel like a horrible mom for doing that. Is your daughter talking yet? Once my daughter started talking, a lot of our problems with her went away because she was now able to tell us what she needed. Also, I try my hardest to spend some REAL quality time with her everyday...taking a walk with just her, dancing in the kitchen, coloring, doing different art projects and letting her make a mess. We also signed her up at a local YMCA where she is taking some classes...swim, dance and art. I also make sure that I have at least one play date a week with her little friends. That really seems to help. I really feel that kids act out because we as parents are missing something. And sometimes it is just that they are going through a frustrating stage in their development. Hang in there and write to me anytime!!!!
Kim (mom of a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 month old)

Hi there,
Around the age of 2 was when I started putting my son in his room until he AND I could calm down. He would first sream and hit his head and hit the door, but after a few minutes he would calm down and come out and say he was ready to be a good boy. Time-outs in a chair didn't work b/c I had to physically hold him in the chair as he head butted me. It just wasn't working. He is now almost 4 and I hardly ever have to put him in his room. Also, when he refuses to listen to my husband or me, we say that we refuse to listen to him and ignore him. It REALLY ticks him off, so he starts listening. He used to refuse to pick up his toys, so we would take a big trash bag and put all the toys he left out in it to give away. He would have to earn them back. Now he's pretty good about picking up. Also, setting a timer works. "You have 5 minutes to play until bath time." The counting to 3 method has been working lately too. "You have until the count of 3 to ___" lastly, giving 2 choices allows my son to feel empowered (even when one choice isn't desirable). These are just a few suggestions. I hope they help.

Be consistent, set up boundries. Make the discipline meaningful for your daughter. peace

Don't beat yourself up! I think that many of us have had those moments when we are at our breaking point and temporarily lose it! I have learned to just walk away when I feel myself getting to that point, saying that Mommy needs to take a few minutes. AS far as your daughter's behaviors, I would look into some of the availabel books out there such as 1-2-3 Magic (I think that it what it is called) and find a philosophy that you feel comfortable with and stick by it!

Good luck!

Try reading the book, "1-2-3 Magic, Effective Discipline for Children 2-12" by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. Have your husband also read it (or you can watch the DVD version together). It worked for us and for friends of ours as well. Good luck! :)

I just want to say that I was so glad to see your request, it made me feel like I wasn't alone! I have lost it when my 2yo son acts up and it left/leaves me feeling like the WORST mother in the world. I have tried to just walk away from him when he's in the throws of a tantrum, this way I don't over react and he doesn't get a response to the behavior. It's not easy and it doesn't always work, but it's all I can think to do. Good luck!

You are not alone - 2 yr olds are very trying.. try a mommy timeout when you start to lose control. Time outs work for 2 yr olds too, WAtch Supernanny to see how to do it effectively. Lock yourself in the bathroom (when your daughter is in a safe place) and calm down there. Tell her you need a time out too. You are very normal, being a mom is very hard.. sometimes, taking a break from her helps too - do you have a sitter or a friend you can leave her with periodically??She is pushing your buttons for a reaction, try not to give her one. stay calm when she's being bad and if you don't go nuts, she may stop sooner than you think. When she's bad at bedtime, warn her you will leave the room.. if she keeps doing it then follow thru.. Follow thru on every warning, it does send a message.. and don't worry about upsetting her at this age, you won't put her into therapy just yet! She does have to learn how do deal with disappointment too. so take away privledges and stick to it.. it's very hard, I've been there twice.

first of all you are not alone!!!! if anyone tells you they don't have problems with their 2 year old they are not being honest with you. Two year olds test your patience over and over and quite frankly you should be proud of yourself if this is the first time you have raised your voice. I am a mother of two boys 3 1/2 year old and 2 month old , it seems lately that is the only way my voice is - RAISED! Your daughter knows you love her i am sure, don't beat yourself up about it. The only advice i can give you is to be consistent and remove yourself from the situation if you are feeling heated. They feed off of any reaction, good or bad if she is doing something naughty. I am having terrible times with my 3 1/2 year old biting me hitting me and kicking when i say no to him. I pray a lot and lock myself in the bathroom to calm down since it is the only place i have to myself. (after reading my story you might want to think twice about taking my advice hahaha!!)
no seriously kids test you but just show them the love and kind discipline and they will respond.
Good luck.

Hello,
Ok, so I don't have any coping skills as to how to deal with a 2 year old, because I have a 11 month old DS(and a 13 year old dear stepson, married for 7 years). I just want you to know that you are normal. I remember a night a couple of months ago when Darick was up almost all night(he's not a sleeper) and I finally just snapped. I only yelled "Just go to sleep" but it was loud enough to scare my son very badly. I felt so bad I cried too. The next day I called my mother and my friend(who has 2 teenage sons and now a son 20 days younger than my baby). They both reassured me that I was "normal", as I never layed my hands on my baby and NEVER would. You didn't hurt your daughter physically or shake her, everyone loses their cool once in a while. If you didn't, you'd simmer up inside and boil over much worse than a little yelling.
Hope this helps you feel better. Enjoy life with your family.
M. C

OMG. I totally know how you feel. Three weeks ago I actually called my mother-in-law and told her to come get my 3 1/2 year old son because I just couldn't handle him anymore and one of us was bound to end up in a mental hospital. I was losing my mind. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. Everytime I disciplined him he would just scream in my face. It was horrible. So my mother-in-law said that she would come get him but that it wouldn't change things and that I need more than a few hour break from him. I needed to change his behavior and quick. This is what I did...I told him that every time he yelled at me, kicked me, hit me or said no to me, he would lose a toy. Three hours and a horse voice later, he had lost every single toy and book he owns. He lost his blankie and the puppy that he sleeps with. He lost EVERYTHING because he just couldn't stop yelling and hitting me. He finally passed out and when he woke up about a half hour before dinner time I told him that if he started again that he would lose his dinner. By that time he knew I was serious and just sat quietly until dinner was served. Slowly but surely he started earning back his toys and books by showing me that he could behave and use manners. He still has not earned back everything because every time he reverts back to his old behavior, I take something away. It sort of reminds him who's in charge and what behavior is acceptable and which are not.

It is soooo not easy being a stay at home mom, or just a mom in general for that fact. It is frustrating and overwhelming and not always wonderful. All of your mom friends have those moments too. Don't let them fool you. Anyone who deals with kids all day every day, loses their cool every once in a while. And while I was going through all of this with my son, my mother told me that she had lost it with me a few times when I was young...and I don't remember. Your daughter won't remember that you yelled at her. Good luck. This too shall pass.

Hang in there. I have been where you are. I have two challenging little boys ages 5 and 3. At this point time out works but when they were small it worked best to stay calm and say NO. I do a lot of reading and that helps and I would also suggest that you talk to your pediatrician. They are good listeners and can give you some help. Sounds like your little girl likes to rule the roost and she cant. Be firm but fair and kind. Be consistent and it helps if you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to discipline. Dont worry we have all screamed at our kids and felt bad about it afterwards. If someone says they havent they are probably lying! :)

Hi C.!!

OMG! I am so glad to see that I am not the only one!! My son just turned three and we have been in a power struggle since he turned 2! I must say that I still haven't found a good way to handle this either! However I wanted to let you know you are not alone!! You are not a bad mom either!! We are all human and we tend to handle stress in different ways!! I hope you find what helps for you!! If you get anygood advice let me know!! I am still looking for ways to cope! LOL TTYL
Becca

Same here and you are normal. As my mother-in-law says "This Two Shall Pass" -- It's for sure the Terrible Two's! Then we have the Trying Three's, the F****** Four's and the Frivolous Fives! Hang in there, I have been there 2x already and the 3rd is hell because he knows he is the baby.

You are very normal!! And sounds like you are a WONDERFUL mom too!! My daughter is now 8, and I went through the same thing. At 2 years (and even now), my message was more effective when I used less words - less is more. If she head-butts you, or does something else that is unacceptable to you, simply say, "No", put her in a quiet spot and 'ignore' her for 2 minutes- (**when I say ignore, I mean in a mothers way, which means you ARE paying attention to be sure she doesn't get hurt, etc., but she doesn't think so!**). She's testing you, so you need to be consistent. I can't tell you how many times I put my face in our couch pillows to muffle a scream! MOST IMPORTANT - YOU ARE A GREAT MOM - I hope this helps!! Good Luck!

i know how you feel my two and hafe year old son dosent listen and what works for me is ethier haveing a friend or famiy member my case his grand dad take him for an hour or so so you can have sometime to destress if that isnt a possible put up a gate and laeve the room when your are srtating to feel out of controll your sleve goget a drink in the fridge or step out side for some freash air you arnt a bad mom dont think that and ecen if your husben when he gets home for work takes your son down to the park before dinner so you can have that time my pedi siad in my sons case is he just needs to get out the engry i hope this helps you some i have more tricks if theese dont work

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I have yelled and lost my cool several times. Be proud you never hit her and are seeking help to find a different method of dealing with the "2's". I have a wonderful lady by the name of Karen from Healthy Families in Lewiston/Auburn who has been coming to my house since my son was born 2.5 yrs. ago. She is a CPE (Certified Parent Educator). She told me to keep trying different methods until one worked. But be consistent for a while before giving up and trying something else. My son finally got put in the corner in his booster seat and could not turn around to look at us. Even if I had to stand there and hold him. I was torture for both of us but it has seemed to help. And if there is a lot of stress in your household, your children pick up on it quickly. Try to keep the house as calm as possible. And when you are ready to lose it, put her in a safe place until you calm down and can deal with the situation. If you don't have a safe place you can leave her for a few minutes, MAKE ONE! I needed it more than once. I might also suggest picking up a few books on the subject as well. Not only might you find more helpful hints, but other mothers out there like you and I. Good luck and keep your chin up. Pre-teen is still about 10 yrs away...lol!

Hi C.!
I could not help but respond. I have 3 EXTREMELY active children and, boy, do they push my buttons sometimes! I also see other friends who just LOVE motherhood and I find motherhood to be so difficult. I am a good mom, but I am not at my best as a mom. Make sense? Mostly I wanted to respond to tell you I know how you feel, but I have a few thoughts for you as well.

First, don't worry about trying to explain to your 2 year old. Although she is probably bright and could understand some of the explanations, explaining yourself to a 2 year old is probably not going to help much.

Instead use quick logical consequences to help minimizing some of the behaviors. Time outs, taking a way a toy she is misusing, changing activities that are desirable (if she is not acting appropriately during it), etc will all work as long as you can be consistent. Having said that, I admit that is much easier said than done!!

I was also wondering if you are getting any time away. You said that you are a stay at home mom. Do you have any time where you are away from your daughter...out with friends, part-time work/business, hobby, etc? I have found that getting some time away from the children is so very helpful! It sort of gives you some extra energy to deal with the difficulties of the daily grind!

Again, I want to say that I know how you feel. Please know you are not alone in how you are feeling and just keep swimming!!

N.

You are totally normal! When my son went though the terrible two's he was a riot. The only thing that helped me was to count to 10, then come back and take care of the situation.

You have to constantly remind yourself during this time that they are only a child and do not understand a lot of the things you are trying to say to them. They can, however, sense or feel your high stress times and since they cannot talk, they are worst at those times when you feel bad. It's best to always remain calm around them and keep your own cool. So make sure to count to 10 and then come back and handle the situation. It's a big help for both of you!

I have gone through the same thing. You're not alone. But there is help and hope. On the cover page for today's mailing was a story of a woman with a 2 1/2 year old son who was hitting and throwing things, and ultimately not obeying when told what to do, or not to do. Obedience is really the bottom line problem here, and really the major issue a parent has concerning their children: Many different scenarios, but ultimately one reason for the problem-disobedience. The issue is not why are they doing this? or that? (sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but not necessary for addressing for the most part). The real issue is-how do I teach my child to obey me (and ultimately any in authority over them), and do I really have a right to demand this of my little one? You have every right to expect it. You are the parent and the one in authority. They should not be the one in charge, and they are when they cause to happen what you described. Remember I said I've been there, done that. So please, go to the front page of todays newsletter, find the article this woman wrote, then find my response to her. (It's the long one) I pray you would read it, heed it, and find your hope in it.
I was once in your boat,too, but I found out what the real problems were: for one thing, my lack of proper, needed knowledge regarding my children and raising them, and I began seeking the real answers that I needed (which I found only in the Bible through reading it, faithfully attending a Baptist church, and listening and learning from other Christian women who had put into practice what the Bible said in regards to their life and their children's lives and raising them.) Most all of the viewpoints out there in the world today be it parenting Magazines or Psychological theories concerning child rearing may sound good, and some advice may even helpful to an extent for some things, but there is a lot of false information that does not do what promised. I know I tried it all as I tried to sort through the masses of information out there.
There is hope and help out there-you are seeking it, and you in a good position right now. In the Bible there is a verse that says "seek and ye shall find". Now you just have to take that information that you have and will receive when you read the response I wrote to the other woman, and apply it. It's that simple. Your problem has been growing for a number of years now, and it will not go away overnight unfortunately, but if you consistently apply the things you will read about and learn to do, you will have victory over this little monster you love with all your heart. I have five monsters, and four of them are all tamed, beautiful, thriving teenagers now, and a six year old who never was a monster- and each has a positive future, and a Mom that is still sane!!
Having a good marriage, a beautiful child, and loving them with all your heart is sometimes not enough, as you are experiencing right now. You need the Lord, His help, and His wisdom. Do the right thing for the sake of your family. You will not be disappointed. :)

Well C. W., I'm C. X. and I'm in a similiar boat as you sweetheart, only my daughter is only 17 mths. The other day I had to put her in her room and put the gate up so I could calm down. One thing I know for sure, from working with kids as a preschool teacher in a Daycare for over 15 yrs. is that kids are affected by our energy. So if you're stressed, they get stressed and then act out. I suggest, as I do for myself (suffer with anxiety and ADHD) is 1st get some help for yourself, talk to your Primary DR. about what's been going on with you and maybe they will refer you to someone who can help, like a therapist, or a Psychiatrist. 2nd, try to catch yourself before you react to your daughter and seperate yourself to take a breathe, have you tried yoga, did wonders for me. Unfortunately it becomes a bad cycle with the two of you. We also are trying for our 2nd baby, yikes because I"m having trouble handling one right now. Being a SAHM is not easy. I think about my Grandmother who had 7 kids, 5 of whom were one right after another, and my Grandfather was either never home or when he was home did his own thing. We are lucky these days cuz Dads help out so much more and there are so many more resources for Mom's to get help. Everything I've said here is right from my own experiences, I've been feeling really guilty and incompentant lately, especially with all of my experience with children. Get help where you can, like Mamasource. Keep your chin up, it'll be ok, but you should really explore getting some help for yourself 1st, especially before you get pregnant again. Keep in touch ok. C. X.