Help with MIL

Hi K.-

I know this is going to be one of those "that's easy for you to say.." kind of things but I think your husband needs to have a talk with her. He needs to give her the bottom line on the phone issue (that one is ridiculous). Just turn her argument around on her. Say "you have to get used to dialing our cell phones because if there ever is an emergency that's the only way to reach us." And then on scheduling time with the grandchildren, I think that's exactly what you need -- a schedule. Figure out how often is enough for her without being overwhelming for you and get it on a calendar for both of you. If her schedule is pretty flexible, try to set it up to your advantage when you can. Schedule time for yourself or you and your husband when she can stay with the kids.

My last suggestion is this, I think your husband needs to schedule some special time with his mom. He should take her out to lunch or dinner alone at least once a month just for the two of them to connect.

Good Luck!
K.

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I think the way to deal with your MIL is to give her some pre-determined time with your kids. That in turn will free you up to do some errands, etc. She certainly wants to be a part of their lives, so unless there are reasons she shouldn't, let her in! I'm sure she would be glad to care for them so you and your husband can go out. I really think you have it lucky with her living so close. If you give her some set times, she will probably be easier to deal with. And tell her you no longer have a land line ( a little white lie, but if it works...?) so she will have to use your cell phone numbers and that she is welcome to call once a day to check in - or better yet, tell her you will check in with her once a day. She apparently needs to feel useful - maybe she can get involved with Girl Scouts, play dates, dance lessons, etc for your girls.

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I would put a message on your answering maching stating that "We're sorry, we're no longer using this number, please call us at XXX-XXX-XXXX, thank you!" Perhaps that will help w/the phone situation or else disconnect it all together unless you HAVE to have it for internet. Perhaps you can ck into getting your number changed & just not telling your MIL. You can just tell her that you no longer need a landline phone & if she wants to call you, she will HAVE to use the cell phone. Just be firm, she'll get over her histerics when she soon realizes that you really mean what you say. Good luck!

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K.,
I think in this situation you are going to have to talk to her as if you were teaching a 4yr. old something like to be obediant.
you are going to have to be very firm and not falter in any bit none the least, she is a grown woman and you probably do feel sorry for her, but you have a right to live your life and be w/ your family, she already did her job, it is your job to make sure her son is taken care of and her grandkids, sounds like you are doing that and you deserve some space.

Tell, over and over if need be but whatever you do; never give in, not even once because the next time her temper tantrum will increase.

good luck

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K., I feel for you . It would drive me crazy too! It looks like you MIL has problems respecting boundaries. She acts like a little child crying for attention. If you get very clear on what YOU want in the relationship with her, how much you want to allow her BE in your life and communicate it to her she will change. We only can "change" others or expect different behaviors is to get really , really clear and stick to what we want. I call it The Art of No Compromise. Lovingly and respectfully but with no compromise. Just like with children. Good luck,

E.

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Might I suggest that you welcome her and appease her with all her quirks. Next to you, she is one who loves your family the most and with out any reservation. I tell you this because my mom was the same way. My husband and I came to the realization that she was not done mothering even though all of her kids were grown. All of my sister in laws felt the same way too. Now we all call her at least once a day, just to say hello and see how her day is going. They also have the grandkids call if something special happens. The kids will call on the first day of school, field trips, or any special occasion. But my sister in laws and I tell the kids, "call your grandmother and tell her what about blah blah blah." A couple minutes out of our day makes her feel important and really doesn't hurt anything. If anything it sets the example for your kids to keep in touch with their family. Good luck.

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I just wanted to let you know that it could be worse...my MIL LIVES with us!!! We are doing okay but my husband and I get a little stressed out at times which takes a toll on our relationship. She is leaving this week for an overseas trip and will be gone 3 months so that will give us some time to relax. I just wanted you to know that having your MIL around the corner is probably a lot better than having her in your pocket at all times! Good luck to you.

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I think I would go in the opposite direction. First, I would tell her that you plan to have the landline disconnected in 2 weeks to a month and tell her she needs to start using the cell phones for communication. Assure her that you have very good plans, it doesn't cost anything for her to call the cells.

Second, I would start including her in tons of stuff. I would also try to work it so that she keeps the kids 2-3 days a week either during the day (if she doesn't work) or in the evenings. I would schedule a dinner with her (either your house or hers or perhaps alternate) every other week -- it could be during the week, or sunday lunch, etc.

It doesn't hurt you or your family to give in and include her and it would do her and the kiddos a world of good. My parents live near by and see our kid almost every day. It is extremely helpful to us and I love seeing the close relationship she has with her grandparents.

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Get your husband involved to deal with this. It's good you're patient and kind to her; she needs that. But, she also needs to get her own life. Maybe offer her different groups she can get involved with.

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Its a fear of technology. Unfortunately, some elders get really freaked out by our modern devices. (Bless my MIL, she refuses to order anything online because she is convinced someone is watch everything she types in and "they" will steal her bank account information... so she only uses the internet to browse items but orders everything by telephone...?!)

Tell her very casually, without anger, that you maintain your landline telephone number in the event you or the children need to dial 911. Assuming she doesn't have a rotary dial phone... How 'bout your hubby (her son) program in your primary contact numbers into her telephone... so, #1 dials him and 2, dials you, etc. Then she doesn't have to remember any telephone numbers.

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Greetings K.,

In-laws can be a most troublesome bunch. In your case, it sounds like her entire life is lived through your family.

This is understandable since she is single with only one son and only two grandchildren.

Having experienced a very bad *think Mommie Dearest* former mother in law, I can offer some nice and not so nice suggestions:

Nice
1. Find her a male friend to play with. Does not have to be the romantic type, but if you get her involved with poker, bingo or your local tasters club - she might not be so hovering.

2. Introduce her to a time-consuming hobby. You can be very creative with this one.

Not Nice.

1. Remind her that she is an In law, a grandmother and not a CH43 Helicopter - as in hovering controlling type.

2. Tell her that she is no longer allowed to live her life through your families. Mention something like how you recognize that this is your husbands house, but you control the hearth *Old country gals will agree here*.

3. Find something that she does not like and do that. For example, if she loathes going the gym, pack your kids up and go. Tell her that you're going to the gym and you will be back in X+2 hours.

4. Set a curfew and/or put her on restriction. Limit her time at night and treat her like one of your kids *but in a polite way*. Meaning that if she continues to act this way, then she will start seeing less and less of your family.

5. Finally and this is a drastic measure. Inform her that you and your husband will sell your house and move half the state away for the benefit of your kids.

In laws and be very much like children. They have to have boundaries and limitations.

Hope that helps

TomB - Austin Texas

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Since you don't use the land line, get rid of it! Save yourselves the money and the aggravation. Then the MIL will be forced to use cell phones. I'd also sit down with you, her, and your husband and let her know that you want her to be part of your lives but that you need breathing room. Discuss what "breathing room" means to all of you. If possible, help her get involved with volunteer work, church, or other people/activities so she won't be so dependent on your family.

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Well, I just had to laugh because she's not nearly as bad as my mom. My mom insists I have to have a home phone (we also only use our cells- our home phone never had decent reception, the phone company refused to fix it, and 90% of our phone calls were telemarketers or wrong numbers. I needed a cell and couldn't afford both.) Sometimes our cells don't ring and she doesn't want to leave a message and wait for us to call her back. She is usually called back within 5 minutes of leaving a message. But instead she'll just keep calling until she can talk to someone and it makes her furious. That day that it snowed recently she tried calling me to tell me it was snowing so the kids could play, but my phone didn't ring.

BTW, she lives next door.

Anyway, she also expects to be included in everything YET when my family members or friends go to her house for some reason she doesn't include us because my children would 'get in the way.' Never mind that some of these family members would really like to see my children and they them.

But if we are leaving she'll call and ask where we are going and when we will be back and how we know the person we are seeing or how long or how we know they aren't perverts ect (no kidding.) She will ask 101 questions about the owner of the vehicle in our drive way and is sure they are going to call CPS and have our kids taken away.

In my mom's situation, she lives her life in fear and it controls everything she thinks, feels and does. It makes life really difficult for us. She also believes that we have to obey her in everything, rather then believe that at 29 and 32 we should make our own decisions.

If you don't want an answering machine just tell her "we'd like to know you called and we'd like to be able to return your call if we are busy the moment you call. But the only way that is going to happen is if you call our cells. Outside of that, I cannot help you." Then try to call her back within a reasonable time.

You have to draw boundaries. You can find ways to draw boundaries in other situations as well, such as to have planned playdates so she can spend time with her grand children. Take a proactive approach and she won't feel so much like you're keeping the children from her.

My mom really doesn't want to spend time with mine. although they live on our property it's not unusual for the kids to go weeks without seeing their grandparents. It makes them very sad and sometimes the breakdown and just go over there and ring the doorbell and ask to come in. But when she decides to see them on the spur of the moment she gets angry if it just doesn't fit into our schedule at that moment.

S., mom to 5

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If you know she's needing a call, why not just call her first? It's your husband's mom, so have him call her every Wednesday (or whatever) and then she'll feel more secure that she's not always doing all the calling. If she's competent to care for your kids, let her see them and babysit. My mother-in-law is in a nursing home and likely won't recognize my kids in the next few years. You are lucky to have such a problem, trust me!
Take a deep breath and continue your patience with her. Don't call or invite her when you can't take it, but really try to when possible.

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Hello K.,

I know that it seems like the end of the world, but sometimes with all the pressures of life, we lash out at those that are closest. I'm sure that your MIL is there for you to help with the kiddos whenever you need and no monetary compensation is ever expected nor required. The compensation comes in with her being able to communicated with on a regular basis and not treated like a toy that is picked up and played with when convenient. You have to take the good with the bad. I'm sure that you will be a pain to the husbands of your girls (by their standards anyway). This is just our lot in life (DIL). It's not a lot, but it's our life. LOL

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Hi K. - I've read some of the reponses you have received and see that you have gotten some really good feedback. My exMIL was very much like that. Even worse with my son... they even went as far as asking my exhusband and I to give them custody. Can you believe it? Anyhow... I definitely agree on setting boundaries. The phone issue - just let her know that unless she calls your cells, she is out of luck. I would just like to say one thing. Life is short... there will come a time when she will not be around. Don't wait until that day comes and have regrets that you should have done this or should have done that. As overbearing as my MIL was ... and believe me she worked my nerves on many occasions. LOL - I always respected her, I allowed them to see my son often (still do) and when I disagreed, I was vocal about it in a firm but respectful way. So when the day comes that my son will not have his grandparents---- I will never have any regrets on how I treated her. (Grandpa is often out of town so it has always been more her than him). Allow them to establish a relationship and have fond memories while they can and she is able.

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Well K....you've gotten alot of advice. In my opinion, it hasn't been all good, but this is about YOU and what you can handle. As a Mother-in-law myself (hope I'm even welcome on this sight!!!) I can sympathize with your MIL. It's hard to understand as a young mother, just how important your kids and grandkids are to you as you get older. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she has many other outlets, which makes it harder for you. I can attest that being the mother of the man is a tougher job!!! I have 2 married sons and I adore my daughter-in-laws, but I try very hard to not be an annoyance or invasive. My main issue is......My 27 year old daughter passed away 2 years ago very suddenly, leaving a husband and 3 small children. Along with the "only imagined" amount of grief it has caused in my life...I had to learn to deal directly with my son-in-law (which was not an easy thing to do.) Now it is even further complicated with the introduction of a new wife and step mother. NOW THAT"S TOUGH! Even though I do like her, she is not like my daughter at all, and it is really hard to see the kids being raised in a way that my daughter would not have done. This territory is very treacherous....calling too much, not enough...no drop-ins like we used to be able to do, the list goes on and on. You sound like a good hearted person. I really believe you will find the right balance. Your husband definitely needs to be involved greatly, because she will take things from him better than she will you....but do your best to just be nice and thinking of other's feelings is never a bad thing. Take care, good luck and God bless! D.

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Hoo boy -- you are being very patient, and it sounds like your husband is doing a good job running some defense (with the answering machine). You MIL's issues sound major, like, in the range of mental health issue as opposed to personality or etiquette problem, and she is having a major effect on your whole family's well-being. I have a couple of thoughts for ways to try to address the problem, but if you are truly dealing with something clinical like borderline personality disorder or something (her utter inability to respect a basic boundary with the cell phones and her creation of conflict by insisting on using your land line are what worry me most), this may not help. However, maybe she is just unfamiliar with cell phones and they spook her -- or she's afraid of catching you when you are driving and endangering her grand children. Here are two ideas: 1) set up a standing, once a week get together with her -- dinner at your house, or a dinner out, or just "Sunday afternoon." Whatever -- but one slot that has your whole family in it and to which she is always invited. Then get on with your week, enjoying all the hours of peace between the weekly, scheduled events with your MIL. Let your husband field any other questions or concerns that may come up in between scheduled get togethers, if anyone does, and know that if she has any worries that come up during the week, she can raise them when she sees you. You might also consult a book about boundaries -- I know there are several out there. This woman sounds highly boundary invasive and you may need to work on your own skills at maintaining boundaries for yourself and your family to keep her from imposiing a lot of undue stress and turmoil on you.

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I am also the mom of an only son who is grown and has a family. His dad and I work full-time, so we aren't sitting around waiting for phone calls. However, I have tried to develop a good relationship with my daughter in law by being very helpful. I know that she and my son have limited time together, so I frequently make plans with the grandkids in order for the parents to have some "couples" time. In your situation, I think it might help if your husband would just make it a point to call his mom once a week or so. Even if you aren't planning to see her during the week, a phone call might help. If you truly don't use your land line phone, then save the money and have it turned off. That way, the option of calling the cell phones won't really be an "option" anymore. Sounds like you and your hubby need to have a heart-to-heart and decide how to handle this tricky situation. I think your mother in law is being unreasonable if she expects to be included in all of your social gatherings. (Hint: If she's a good cook, maybe you could ask her to prepare the dessert or some part of the meal?) Anyway, I hope it works out. Just keep the communication with your hubby open and also pray about it.

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Maybe if you can up with a schedule she would chill out a bit because she would know what to expect. Somewhat like toddlers.
With the phone. Get rid of the land line or get an IP phone so that your cell will ring WITH the land line. You don't have to tell her that if you don't want to, but at least then she would be able to call you if she really does need you. She would just hink that you were using the answering machine when it goes to voicemail.
If there is more to it, than you need to be honest with yourself and you husband and your MIL. Tell them what you need and where the boundries are. Until then you will just be banging your head against the wall.
You are much calmer than I. Best of luck to you.

Tell her point blank that you do not answer the phone at home often, you use the cell and that you are actually thinking of having the home phone disconnected because of the cost of having three phones. Maybe this will dawn on her, that she should call the cell phone, that you do answer. Ps she is lonely she also needs to have some involvement somewhere see if you can finds somethings for her to do. Good luck.

There are several issues to consider. Judging from your age, your husband is probably in his early 30s which would put her in the mid-fifties, early sixties at the most. This woman needs to get a life. She is still young enough to have one separate from her son. Does she attend church?If no, then she needs to and if yes, then she needs to do something other than go to Sunday service and leave. I don't know of a church that doesn't have an active ladies group that usually stays pretty busy. Does she have any neighbors her age? As for seeing her grandchildren every week, that is a natural grandmother with. If I could see mine once a week, I'ed be thrilled. How do your children get home from school? Could she maybe pick them up one or two days a week and keep them at her house for an hour or so to do homework. Helping them with their homework would make her feel useful. You have to be very firm about the phone and explain that you DO NOT ANSWER IT AT ALL, AND WILL NOT TOLERATE AN ANSWERING MACHINE. She took a lot of liberty to come in an install one without asking first. Tell her the emergency situation is a two way street. If she fell and couldn't get help would she call you landline, knowing that you don't answer it, or would she call the cell. Maybe she has a fear of cell phones and just doesn't want to admit it. If she won't initiate a friendship with someone her own age, then it's up to you to seek out someone to confide in and try to introduce them. You said she is shy, maybe all she needs is a little push in the right direction. What's wrong with her being included when your relatives come to town? Your husband is the only family she has and it's only natural for her to want to be a part of his life. My sister-in-law was an only child whose father died one month after her marriage to my brother. Her mother became a member of the family and was welcomed at all family functions. Also, the mother of my daughter-in-law, a single mother who has always been a part of the entire family. As long as she's a plesant participant, I see no reason to exclude her. But I think the best thing for all is to get her involved in something. Try to get her to volunteer her time someplace then she won't be so dependent on you and your husband for a life. But she needs a firm talking to by someone.

K., if you aren't going to answer the land line, then you should get rid of it. Otherwise what's the harm in answering it when you're home? Granted, your MIL needs to abide by your wishes and call your cell phones, but if she's got an issue with that, then just be gracious and answer the land line when it rings. That would go a long way toward making her feel like you care. It might not solve all the other problems, but it would at least take one away.

This seems like a control issue to me. Is there a reason y'all can't make a point of visiting her at least once a week? My parents live down the street from us and we do that, make sure we see them at least once a week. We make an effort to stay in touch throughout the week. I understand that her being clingy is annoying at best and drives you crazy at worst, but clearly the woman needs to see that you love her, that she's important in your lives. Make an effort to help her see that. Don't push her aside, even if unintentionally. Make an effort to include her (not in EVERYTHING, of course, but in what you can), make an effort to let her see that she counts, and it might be enough to satisfy her.

Give it a try. It can't hurt anything, and it just might help her see that you do love her. Otherwise the only thing you can do is move out of state.

Dear K.,

One of the Ten Commandments is, "Honor thy father and thy mother." Your MIL just wants to be honored, respected, needed. Just think about how you would want to be treated when your girls are grown up. You would probably want them to remember how much you gave and gave and gave to them during their growing up years, and show a little appreciation.
I dont think you should let MIL take over your life, but, I do think she deserves some attention. Treat her like you want to be treated some day. At least make one night a week a time to spend time with her. Let her be a part of your lives. Ignore the things about her that you don't like, and focus on her good points.
I am 57, and I understand her insistence to use a land line. It's just what she's used to! She could be thinking like this: "If I call their cell phone, I am intruding on their personal time. So I will call them on their land line, and then they can call back when it is convenient to them." I tend to think of cell phones more as an emergency; whereas your generation tends to use them more as our generation uses landlines. (I am trying to change, but habits are slow to change....)
I don't think you should let her control your lives, but, I do think you should make an effort to include her whenever possible.
My daughter has three little children. She lives in Canada, far from me. I know that she would give anything if I was "around the corner" and willing and able to help her out sometimes. And if they did live around the corner, I would certainly be sad if a week went by and I hadn't seen or heard from them.
Look for the blessings.
J.

OK, I HOPE I CAN DO THIS TO WHERE YOU GET SOMEHELP OUT OF IT, I TRULY DO. I AM A MIL, & MY DI8L IS HORRIBLE TO ME. & MY SON LETS HER DO THESE THINGS. THEY HAVE 3 KIDS, GIRLS 15 & 10 & BOY 7. NOW I HAVE NOT HAD MY GRANDKIDS (THOSE 3) IN OVER ALMOST 3 YEARS. IF I SEE THEM IT IS OUT IN PUBLIC OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.SHE JUST DOES NOT LIKE ME OR MY FAMILY, INCLUDING MY DAUGHTER.MY SON & DAUGHTER WERE SOOO CLOSE GROWING UP & IT ALSO HURTS HER & SHE SEES THEM LIKE I DO. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN TO MY HOUSE FOR OVER 2 YEARS, & MY DAUGHTERS FOR7 OR 8 YEARS.
HER FAMILY IS ONLY 1 THAT COUNTS. I BECAME DISABLED IN 1993 & HAD TO SELL MY HOME, I LIVE NOW WITH MY PARENTS. THEY ARE BYING MY HOME & I FINANCE IT FOR THEM. IF THEY ARE LATE OR CAN'T PAY THERE PMT TO ME LIKE SUPPOSED TO, THAT'S JUST TOUGH.
& I LOVE MY GRANDKIDS BUT NEVER GET TO SEE THEM. MAN I JUST WISH I COULD SEE THEM EVEN 1 TIME A MONTH EVEN.
BUT REALLY GO EASY ON HER, IF SHE IS BY HER SELF, INDULGE A GRANDMOTHER, ANY TIME THEY WANT TO SEE THEM. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SHE WILL NOT BE AROUND TO SEE THEM.
JUST SEE HER SIDE. BUT I AGREE SHE SHOULD NOT TRY TO CONTROL THINGS THAT YOU & YOUR HUSBAND DO. "HE" SHOULD TALK TO HER & LAY DOWN A FEW GROUND RULES IT SEEMS LIKE.
GOOD LUCK,
D.

Hi K.,

I am in a similar situation. Not as extreme as yours but it used to be. Over the years it has gotten better, especially when we moved a bit further away (close enough to see often but not enough for everyday). My husband is an only child and his mother is single and never married. It has always been a struggle through the years. I really don't have any advice. I am going to read yours! I just thought it might be comforting to know you aren't the only one out there with this type of problem. Good luck!