Help with Ex's Parents About My Son

I haven't read all your responses, but I hope they are like mine. Cut off all connections with these folks, regardless if the dad is an attorney or not. THEY are the users- they are using you and your son for their benefit (to get the hugely good feelings of being a grandparent). Why aren't they encouraging their son to PAY CHILD SUPPORT or paying it themselves? Four or five years before their son wants to see his kid? Yikes, this is the worst example of parenting and grandparenting I have personally ever heard. Let them try to get visiting rights. The judge will laugh them out of court. And get a lawyer for you and your child. Protect yourself and your child from these insensitive losers.

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I totally disagree with the ex's parents - he hasn't stepped forward to accept the child - therefore the family doesn't have visitation rights, either. I think children know who loves them - no matter how often they visit and I think any contact with the "grandparents" as she seems to think her title would be strained. If he won't sign the birth certificate and I doubt, agree to a paternity test - then adopt him (I don't think it is expensive) and let him have the father who wants to be there for him - for all the years - not just the years he chooses.

To pick the years you want to be there is like saying that the 2's and teenage years are difficult - so I don't want to be around.

Just my opinion.

M.

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number one, do not respond to this woman anymore. cut all contact. some day your son may want to know about his 'other' family, and when that time comes approach it in a plain and simple way, his biop dad wasnt ready to be a father, BUT he got lucky enough to have a man step up and take that position. once he is old enough he may on his own decide to meet these people, and thats his choice...but thats many years away.

number 2, terminate bio fathers parental rights. it should be easy as he has never seen the child, doesnt support the child and has pretty well abandon him.
(check out http://www.gitlinlawfirm.com/qa/related_adoption.htm )

step 3, have your husband adopt him. in this case it is actually easy and not as expensive as if you were adopting a child that was not your own.
filing and court costs. once the parental rights are terminated, there will be no contesting from him, nor will his parents be able to contest.

step 4, live happily ever after.

good luck!

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Hi L.!

I know that you have gotten a lot of advice...I can't say anything to the effect of legal issues, but I would advise you to defriend/disallow your ex's mom to access your FB page. That is just one less way that she can contact you, since it seems that the only contact you have with her is when it is convenient/they want something. Consult a lawyer to get a full handle on the situation, but it does seem that if the father is denying paternity, there can be no claim on the child from your ex's parents. Congratulations on your marriage and the new baby. Enjoy the wonderful life you are creating for yourself!

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Before the Grandparent's meeting the Grandson, I will sit and talk with them to find out their intentions. How is it okay now for them to be a part of their grandson's life now and not then. Just find out what do they hope to do or gain, do they want to be active grandparent's! Grandparents are good for children to have and be around.

The grandfather may be a lawyer, but that is your Child, you should not feel pressured by anyone concerning your child. The father is not the one to determine if he should be supporting a child that he helped bring into this world. If this is something that mutually agreed upon then that's good, if not let it be determined by the courts, something most parents don't want to do. Kids do have a framework of who people are, as young as 2 years old kids are aware of significant people that are in their life.

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It looks like you tried to reach out to them when your son was first born and they didn't want to be involved but maybe now they've had a change of heart.
Their continued support of their son's lack of taking any sort of role or responsibility with his son is wrong. It shouldn't be up to them or him to determine when he gets involved financially or physically in his own son's life. It's not something you can just put on hold till you get on your feet.
You obviously moved on and are in a relationship with another man. Does he have any desire to adopt your son? If so, I would go that route. If not and you want involvement from the ex, you need to take action and let the court decide on his ability to pay child support.
Facebook allows you to block messages from anyone so if you don't want the messages from the ex's mom, block her. They may have some rights but if you're not willing to freely allow them time with your son, make them go to court to establish visitation. If he is a lawyer, it won't take much effort on their part to go about it. You can be nice about it and still suggest that going through the court to help you establish guidelines is the only way you feel comfortable. It's not that you want a fight, you just want it to be reasonable and fair with the baby's best interest at heart. Don't let them tell you what to do or what the court will say! Who cares that he is a lawyer - you're the mom and you have the control on what is best for your baby (obviously they have raised an adult baby and they protect him at every length, even when he is wrong and he is so wrong here!!).
Good luck!

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Yes, I agree that it is very strange that they contacted you via Facebook! Are you living in the same town? Geographic region? Do you run into these people on occasion? Or is it possible to avoid them entirely? (My advice!)

Since their son staked no claim to your child, I would assume that the son, and therefore the grandparents, have no legal claim. But, I am not a lawyer! But, that would be my guess. (It is not like the father is dead, or disabled and unable to reach out. He just choses not too, which is totally HIS loss!)

They have never supported you and it sounds like the mother is a horrible woman to call you a "user" and encourage her own son to have no contact with his child.

I would send a note to say, "My family is precious to me. My husband and I agree that it is best for our family not to include you in Baby Jack's life at this time."

If the birth father wants to be involved, that might be a different story. But, you are the mother- he has never accepted his role as a father- so you and your husband are in charge of making sure this child experiences all of the love, stability and joy your perfect little family has to offer.

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I'm not an expert on this, and I am not sure how the laws differ in different states, but I can tell you some of what I have experienced from dealing with my ex and our 4 year old son. If your ex refuses to sign the birth certificate and wants nothing to do with your child because it's not convenient for him... then let your new guy be the father figure for him, if he is willing to do so. I have been told by a judge in a courtroom, and I have worked for attorneys for 18 years, and I can say that if his name is not on the birth certificate, he has absolutely no rights to that child and that goes for his entire family as well. Paternity would have to be established and the grandparents would have to take you to court for grandparent rights to visit with the child, and then if you don't feel like they are worth seeing your child, then you can have a mediator step in to evaluate the situation and have supervised visitation before your child is ever released to them for visitation. As of right now, you have complete 100% control over what happens with YOUR child. Don't worry about the fact that there is an attorney in the family! Too many people try to scare others with that. They don't make the law and they can't control what a judge is going to decide. Get that part out of your mind. You can get a lawyer too... maybe even a better one than him/her! So, with all that said... YOU DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT FOR YOUR CHILD!!! =0) Hope this helps!

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have your new husband adopt the baby. he's functionally the kid's father anyway. that will effectively remove your ex and his insane parents from your life.

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. it'll be ok.

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What you need to ask yourself is - Will my son be better off having these people in his life or not. I am also curious why all of a sudden they are interested in your son. I can't see that the "grandparents" have any legal right to your child since their son's name isn't on the birth certificate and he hasn't paid any child support or been there thoughout the pregnancy.

Congs on your newest additon!

Take care
J.

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They would have to prove paternity before anything happened. You don't get to pick and choose when it is convinient to be a parent or a grandparent. He refused to sign birth certicate - he is denying paternity. Therefore, if his parents want visitation, depending on the laws in your state, paternity would have to be established and they would have to go to court. Remember, this is your child. You have been doing it on your own, without support from them or their son. So what he is a lawyer, he had to follow the same laws and rules everyone else does. This man, who says he can't see his child until he finishes college, sounds like a real piece of work anyway - no loss if he isn't involved in the child's life. You have a husband and a wonderful family now. Don't let this trifling people intimidate you or take your joy away. If it would give you piece of mind, consult a family law attorney - just to get the facts.

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I am not a lawyer and this isn't legal advice. What I learned from a friend who went through a grandparents' rights lawsuit -- In Illinois, grandparents have no visitation rights unless their child is either deceased or divorced/seperated from the parent who has custody (which applies to you) HOWEVER -- in that case, the grandparents have to prove that they have had a relationship with the child for at least 6 months prior to applying for visitation. So, if you let them visit with your child, they can sue you for visitation. Talk to a lawyer. Don't give them any time with your child. If your ex wants to be involved, he can pay to have a paternity test and prove that he's the father. Otherwise, I believe your husband can adopt your son since your ex never took his parental rights. Like I said -- talk to a lawyer. Do not respond to the ILs. It would be heartbreaking to have to give your son to people who hurt your when you were vulnerable.

And -- I have immense respect for you for taking care of that child all on your own and even considering letting them come near the child after the way you were treated.

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Hi L.,
I don't know anything about you or your ex-in-laws, so I may be totally off base. However, having had a few sneaky people in my life, I would exercise extreme caution. Do NOT write anything to your in-laws - e-mail, facebook message, letter, anything. Even if it's to tell them to leave you alone. Anything you write down is going to be admissible in court. Since their intentions have been unclear in the past, you don't know what they are going to do in the future. I would communicate with them only through a lawyer, especially if your FIL is an attorney. I have no idea what the legal rights of your son's biological father are if he did not sign the birth certificate, but you want to find that out way before he does. His idea of walking into a child's life in "4-5 years" is so ghastly I can't even find words for it. You need to take steps NOW to protect the best interest of your child. Just an opinion.
Good luck,
MC

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Hi L.,
From what I understand the father has until the child is a year old to sign the Voluntary Acnowledgement of Paternity for the state to automatically add him as father to the child's birth certificate. After the child is a year old DNA testing is required. In my opinion if the father is not interested in being a part of the child's life and his family seem like a bunch of meddlers then maybe your husband can adopt him. No one can contest because you are the only parent on the birth certificate unless they decide to do DNA testing. That would involve spending a lot of money and the father would have to pay child support. From the sound of it his family isn't going to go fo it. That's what this is all about anyway. For more information you can call Department of Health's Division of Vital Records at 1-###-###-#### or contact a lawyer. If your husband adopts him it would end the extended family's and perhaps father's right to interfere with your life. Amen!
God Bless and take care,
Bernie

P.S. There is also a law that if a parent is not a part of the child's life and does not pay child support for a minimum of 6 months you could take away their parental rights. But since he's not on the birth certificate it doesn't really matter.

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Contact a lawyer and request that your ex has to either sign a paternal waiver or the birth certificate. If he signs the waiver, no one in his family has rights. If he signs the birth certificate he will have to pay child support whether he sees your son or not. Good luck and God bless.

That sure is a tough one. My family will be parying for yours.
-L.

Sorry to sound ugly but...screw them!!!! They have no legal rights if their son's name is not listed on the birth certificate. If they make a big deal and want DNA tests etc. then worry about it. Now that you son has a father figure(your new husband)then he dosen't need his biological father in his life if this is how it has been since the beginning. Will it really benefit your son at this point or create more stress? They think they have the ball in their court when it really is you!! Go with your gut feeling and don't worry about how they feel. They did not worry about you or him until now!!

Haven't read all of the responses but wanted to offer that the grandparent law was put into place to preserve an already existing relationship between a grandparent and grandchild. Since this isn't the case, this law shouldn't apply. Since your ex isn't claiming this is his child (birth cert.) I think you and your husband would be free to move forward with the adoption. I don't know what it costs, but it's something worth finding out. And I can't imagine it'd be that complicated since technically the biological father hasn't been identified...

Double check with a lawyer.

As far as the ex's parents are concerned, you really have to decide what is best for your family. If you think your child would benefit by having them in his life, then maybe start a relationship with him. You're always the mom so if you don't want your child staying over at their house, he doesn't have to. You can call the shots on visitation. If you think they'll drift in and out of your child's life, then maybe it's best to not start that relationship.

Again, seek legal counsel from an experienced family attorney to see about your options and rights.

Good luck!!

Get a lawyer. He has to pay you if he is the father. And the grandparents have no rights. Tell them to get lost and make the father pay, if you want him to. Or tell him he will not see his child at all if he is not ready now. I would not let him walk in when the child is 4 or 5. No way. That is absurd. I believe the state can help you with the child support thing for free. Go to the state of IL website. Do not be pushed around. Your child is the one who will be hurt by it.

Don't let the ex's dad intimidate you because he is a lawyer. Grandparents have no legal rights to grandchildren. Since you are the only parent on the birth certificate my advice is to leave it that way. Why complicate things with a yahoo like your ex and his family in your life? Let them do what the want, but they cannot force you to let them see your son. And do you really want them to? Look at the son they raised. He cheated and left you and your son. Do you really want that influence on your son too? Just tell them to leave you and your family alone. You have no interest or need for them. Good Luck!

SCREW HIM!!!!!!! He can't just decide when and where it's going to be time for him to just FEEL like he wants to see/spend time with/pay for his half of things. This makes me angry just reading this, sorry. YOU are the parent, you have rights. The grandparents do not. Besides, it would take a LONG time for anything legal to come through. They are bullying you, do NOT let them. If the father decides he wants to see him or help pay then he can see your child. But it will look extremely poor in his favor when it's proven he only wanted to see him when it was convenient and financially worthy for him. Document all of this. Write all the details of communication, emails, comments. etc. in a journal. This will be admissible in court if/when someday he decides to act like a real father. I say make it clear and succinct that you do not feel it is your responsibility at this point to have your child be a part of their lives when they have supported their son in NOT being a part of his.

Your Ex is not on the birth certificate so he has no rights to your son. I would tell them that you are extremely busy right now and cannot see them. Your ex won't see the child for 4-5 years--what kind of baloney is that? He's busy for years and his parents expect you to accommodate them. I don't think so. I think you are pretty lucky that his name is not on the birth certificate. I am not a lawyer but I think that makes is easier for your current husband to adopt your son. Congrats on the new baby. This should be a happy time for you. Forget about the drama.

I'm not a lawyer or anything, but if he refused to sign the papers (on his parents' advice) to be added to the birth certificate as your son's father, then he has NO rights, and I would think, neither do his parents.

If I were you, I would consult a lawyer, just in case, but I can't believe the gall of these people! As a lawyer, the father should know better. They have no legal standing whatsoever, as far as I can tell!

Good luck!

Your precious son does not need to be placed into that situation. I would ignore the facebook messages (really? facebook? these people are gems!). If you feel you must respond, tell them absolutely NO and that they and their son have already made their decisions and you refuse to play their games with YOUR child. What an incredibly selfish and bad idea to decide the father will suddenly show up in 4-5 years when it is convenient for him. His parents are no better that he is either. You have your beautiful family and do not need to introduce this kind of drama into your lives. I would not let them bully you into anything and would not get into a bunch of communications with them. Just tell them they made this place for themselves and you and the son are moving on without them, as they initially wanted you to do. Then do it and have no further contact with them. They cannot come into and out of your lives when they feel like it. That would not be good for your son or you.

Hi L.,
It seems like your ex would find some way to keep in touch if he really cared. His parents should stay out of this. If he cared, I wouldn't think he would wait 4-5 years before seeing his child. I think you should talk to a lawyer yourself (not his dad) and get some answers. If there are no harmful reasons to keep your sons dad from having visiting rights then that may happen but if he wants to be in contact then he should help pay support also. School is good but it sounds like an excuse to me. It also sounds like his mom is trying to tell her son what to do. If she keeps bothering you, you can turn her in for stalking. Do what you feel is right, but don't let them push you around. Again, talk to a lawyer to find other answers.
GOOD LUCK!
J. J.

I would not respond to them at all. After all this time they are just there to torment you. As a lawyer the grandfather can do nothing. The father is not even on the birth certificate. Ignore them. Do you still have the papers requesting the fathers name on the birth certificate?
With no signatures they can do nothing. He can't just show up after 5 years to claim a child.

I breifly read thru some of the posts and I would be careful with the grandparents rights (if ex establishes the dna) as that ILLINOIS DOES have grandparents rights as that the neighbor that I grew up accross the street from won grandparents rights although this was about 10 yrs ago you will want to verify the law now. The difference in their case was that their son died of cancer, they had been living with the parents and as soon as the guy died she up & moved to WA with the kids. I would consult a lawyer (most have free consultations) so that you are prepared especially if grandpa is a lawyer he I'm sure has freinds that can help him with this law. In the mean time I am with most everyone here SCREW THEM they had their chance & now it is too late!! Best of luck!

I would not let them see him at all. They have no rights at all. Also remember you can always take him to court for child support and back child support even if he wont sign the birth certificate.

I'm not a lawyer, but I'd think that if their son isn't on the birth cert. then he has no rights. Since his parents told him not to sign I'd assume that the grand father believes that by not having his name on the birth cert it will help keep him from having to take care of his financial responsibilities (and since the grand father is a lawyer he'd know). And what's more his parents definately don't have any. It would be one thing if the parents sent some money to help or every took a lot of interest in their grand child, but to a 1 year old they are just 2 more stranger. As far as I know grandparents have very few rights. In cases where families are astranged you don't really hear about the grandparents being granted visitation. And that's even when there has been an established biological link.
Don't be intimidated! Legally you are your son's only parent, if they want to go through establishing that their son is the baby's father then someone will have to pay some support, so (from what you wrote) I don't think it'll happen.
Good Luck and congrats on making it throught the first year!

I would NOT let them see your child. You would be opening a can of worms that you could really regret later. Keep your life simple for you and your son. Your son deserves a stable life and stable relationships. And, you do not need the chaos and emotional stress this would add into your life.

Maybe you can just pretend you never read the messages...a lot of people don't check facebook regularly....

I agree with Mom C. Get your legal facts and then the unknown does not have to hang over your head. If the father can't even sign a piece of paper acknowledging his son, he doesn't deserve the gift of your precious son. You have to do what is right for you, but I would look into removing his rights permanently. I wouldn't give those grandparents any acknowledgment or energy. There is plenty of positive and healthy people to surround your son with. Don't let them pull you in.

Best of luck to you!!

I know others may not agree, I know blood family is good to know even if you see them every once in awhile. If your son meets the grand parents at an early age they may become a part of his life and soften up on their negative feelings about you. Though you may not care now it impacts how they will treat your son. They could tell him about his father if the guy decides against seeing his son. Your husband would be the father figure for your son. I don't think the legal process (adoption) would change how your son views his relationship with your husband. In perhaps a year if the father makes no attempts or contact with his son, talk to a lawyer about terminating his parental right on the grounds of abandonment,lack of invlovement,etc. Also the grandparens may only visit a few times before dropping out of touch. They'll make your decision for you if they don't stay in contact. You're not obligated to maintain contact with them. Also, I wasn't aware of any legal rights for granparents in Illinois.

I would want to know why, all of a sudden, they want to see him. I would also be curious to know why their interest isn't really high now but they want to be a part of their son's life in the next 4-5 years.

I'd ask them some hard questions like "Why the interest now? What are your intentions?" and then share them with a lawyer of your own.

I'm usually all for allowing extended family members being a part of a child's life as long as the relationship will be healthy and not harmful, but this reeks of suspicion.

Illinois is one of the states that does NOT have rights for Grandparents. So, legally, you owe them nothing.

Hi L. I glad to hear that he have a lawyer on your side dealing with these jerks!!! Your husband sounds like a good guy and father figure for your son. However his birth father does have rights. Maybe he will (father) grow up and be a loving and responsible father. But if he doesn't, as your son gets older he'll know who giving him the best fatherly love. And far as his grandparents , he find them out also. Because from what I've read they'll try to brainwash him against you and your husband. So good luck to you your son and birth of your daughter.

The ex's parents do not have any rights, since your ex has not acknowledged that he is the father. No father, no grandparents. As I do not know what that grandmother wrote, there might be more to it, but I'd say do not respond at all. You luckily have a new family and that is what your son will see as his family. For wanna-be grandparents to come around every now and then, or Mister ex saying he will come around in some years when he pleases I would not waste a thought.
Be very careful with introducing your child to irresponsible, selfish people. His little soul can really get hurt, if he gets to know his 'father' and that guy does not bother to show up but every few years.
Why have you not pursued a paternity test so that he is the official father or if you are married now, you husband might want to adopt your son and put his name on the records?!
Good luck!

Hi L.,

You really need to seek legal advice. I know this is a little different but my brother's ex-wife refused to let my parents see their grandson (she also refused to let my brother see his son, but that is a different issue). My parents went to court and were awarded regular visitation once a month.

Hi L.,
I am rally sorry that you have this problem, it is never easy. I would recommend seeking your own legal advise on this. There might be another option, since there is no father on the birth certificate, would your husband be willing to adopt your son as his own legally?
I think what your ex is doing is horrible to you and your son and I think he is hiding behind his parents.
I personally do not think they have a right to see your son especially since they are supporting their sons decision to have nothing to do with you and him. I know that seems harsh and I apologize, I just have a hard time with a parent not doing what is right for the child.

I hope it works out for you.

Consult a lawyer to be sure but then remove them from facebook ability to see your page. They were not kind then and think of the toxic things they could inject into your child's life now. Are they trying to "reserve" a spot for their son to reintroduce into his life when it might be cheaper? If all is legal to do so I would say no and go on with my happy life. The child's Dad better be attending med school otherwise he is an idiot if it takes him that long to do college with no time as I am raising a familyh of 3 children, work and still have plenty of time to take care of the important stuff, loving my kids.

Hi L.,
This is a tough situation and it is unfortunate you have to experience it. We just went through this with my husband's nephew and found out that in most states, grandparents have no visitation rights regardless of the situation (i.e. divorce, death etc.) . Don't let the fact the father is an attorney intimidate you. Make the decision that is right for you and your son. I wouldn't even acknowledge the e-mail. Good luck!

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar situation with my first born. There is a lot of good advice here but what I think is the most important thing for you to do is have a meeting with a lawyer. They explain what rights you have, what the father and his family don't have, etc. The law is very confusing and it's way too long to go into here. It would be pages and pages of info I could write but it's not the comfort you get from actually hearing it from someone who truly knows the law. There's a lot of emotion people put into it here and I agree with it but you need to find what the law will and will not protect you from and how you can shelter your son. My decision was not to pursue my son's birth father, forget about the child support and raise him completely on my own. Because he's not on the birth certificate and never gave me even $1 (which this would apply to you too), it's considered abandoment. He has absolutley no rights to my son and if he ever wanted to, he would have to jump through hoops in court to get them and owe years of back child support. Again, find a lawyer who will have a free consult with you so you know what you can do about your situation. If I were you, I would not allow them to see your son. They may be family but it's obvious they have very specific motives and I would not be surprised at all that in this 5 years when he's done with school that they try to come back around and take your son from you. I don't mean to scare you but there's something going on and it's not him just going off to school. I would get a good lawyer on your side now to protect you because God forbid these people try to pull something like that. Their story just doesn't add up so please please please be careful when dealing with them, or just don't deal with them at all. And sit down and write out dates and events to the best of your ability, up to current day. Keep a running sheet on what happens, who calls, what they say, then what happened, etc. Emails and anything electronic like Facebook cannot be used in court. This is very important! It's admissable because it's very hard to determine exactly who sent what from who's account. Meaning it may look like she sent it but then she gets to court and says that her neice or daughter or whomever sent it from her account because she/he knew her password. So if she contacts you there again, don't respond! I assume she's doing that because her husband told her so. Jerks. But again, I cannot stress enough for you to get a lawyer on your side.

Don't know if this will help or not, but years ago (1994) I was told grandparents only have rights if that parent is dead. So since the ex's name is not on the birth certificate, he really isn't the father and I don't think he or them has any rights. Talk to the lawyer and make sure, but I don't think they can do anything and the adoption should not be that difficult. My ex hasn't seen mine in over two years and my attorney said all we have to do is run an "ad" in the paper stating my husband is going to adopt and the court date. If he shows it is him who has to pay to stop it.

Hope it helps.
M.

Your son's father has not showed interest in signing documents stating that he is your son's father (on the birth certificate). Because of this he has no legal privlidge, nor do his parents, to see your son. It is your call at this time whether or not to let his biological grandparents see him, but if I were in your shoes it would be very hard for me to forgive them. You don't want (and your son doesn't need) people who come in and out of his life without thought on how it will affect him. And it will- even before he is 4-5 years old (your ex's mom has no idea what she is talking about). So sorry you have to deal with all of this.

Sorry, but these people sound absolutely disgusting. They advise their son not to sign the birth certificate, likely to avoid having proof that he knows he's the father and therefore should've paid support, and yet now they want to exert their "rights" as grandparents.

These horrible people need to be cut out of your life and you and your family's happiness. I would remove them as friends on Facebook, and "lose" their numbers. After their actions, they don't deserve anything from you. I agree with others, if you want legal advice you can call for some, but it sounds like they really have nothing they can do.

Are they going to lose interest again if Ex has a kid with someone else? I am usually a fan of supporting extended families and grandparents, but you also have to protect your child's feelings and these people haven't earned any trust. It also kills me that they sent you a message on FB - like it's as important as meeting for coffee or something. They don't sound like very reliable relatives.

I also agree with the advice to talk to a lawyer.