Help with Disciplining 22 Month Old

My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and also very spirited. When she doesn't want to pick up her toys I tell her that it is her choice. If mommy picks them up by herself then the toys are going on time out. If it is something else I will threaten to put one of her favorite toys on time out. This has been a lot more effective for us than putting her on time out. (you can put a toy on time out A LOT longer than you can put a two year old on time out) She usually responds. If not, then I do what I said I was going to. Follow through is key. GOOD LUCK!!

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENTS seem to do wonders for very stubborn kids. We have started a 'Mommies Little Helpers' chart. They each have a row for each chore that needs done. If they accomplish a chore, they get a star. After receiving enough stars, there is a reward, such as a trip to McDonalds, swimming, new toy, etc. They know that if they don't earn their 'stars', they don't get to enjoy the activity that is listed for the week as a reward.

Time outs can work, but sometimes it can take 15-30 min or more to get the point across that they will stay put or you will keep putting them back. One or two times like that and it usually works.

I didn't and don't like using timeout for not putting toys away (for us). I save the time outs for hitting, biting, physical stuff. Instead, I give a 3 count with the end result being the toys themselves go to time out for a day (or whatever amount of time you want). That has worked for us.

Love and Logic, Love and Logic, Love and Logic!!!

It used empathy and natural consequences to teach, rathaer than all our words that we shower on them and then they won't even listen to! And you already got the most important concept - you can't force them to do so many things (eat, sleep, stay in bed, be in a good mood). It has been a great help with my spirited, willful 3 year old. There are books, CD's, and classes you can take. Check out www.loveandlogic.com and you can call them to see if there is a class in your area. Good luck!

Hi E.,

My daughter at about 2.5 started showing aggression...or what I believe is more like them "finding their place". She is my fourth child. She threw an item at me and then went to swat me. I place a chair facing a wall, told her "no throw" "no hit" "time out". I needed to put her in the chair. She did not want to sit there so I held her. As soon as she sits on the chair...I would let go....if she tried to get out I would hold her. There is a technique to holding them that makes them secure, you are not facing them (so they do not get "attention") and without hurting them. After her 2 minutes I let her go. She was still aggressive...same words...back into the chair. This lasted for a 1/2 hour!!! From experience I knew she was trying my authority and wanted to see who would "win". I can tell you it was soooo exhausting and so mentally trying but I knew this had to be done. And it works! There has never been another defiance or aggression like that. She is now three. This has worked with all our children.

Of note. When the kids do respond the correct way they are praised. Especially after this type of outward behavior...when the child behaves appropriately they are told so, hugged and kissed! "I love you. Mama does not love hitting"

God bless. Parenting is the most challenging profession. Discipline is love.

Hi, E.-

The trick to time outs is that you have to be repetitive and relentless. Meaning, when she gets up; you put her back. When she gets up; you put her back again. Over and over until she finally stays put. It can take several minutes, a half hour, an hour...whatever is needed, but you must be consistent and patient without making any comments to her. It takes a HUGE amount of patience and commitment, but it can be worth it. It's non-physical and gets the point across. Holding her in your lap won't do the trick because you're turning it into a struggle and a competition. Plus, it may be scary for a little one to have a full grown adult restraining them.

The PP had a good suggestion with the sticker chart. Use it to motivate her in any way you need. Tell her if she does her time out, she can get a sticker for that, too. Use a timer for the timeouts so that she knows exactly when it's over. When she does finally stay put for the full time (one minute per age of child), make a big deal out of telling her how proud you are of her and what a big girl she's becoming.

You could also try turning "chores" into a game. Like, "Let's see how fast we can put these toys away! Quick, like a bunny!" Or, "Do you think you can pick up more toys than mommy?"

Good luck! They're stubborn little boogers sometimes, aren't they??

It sounds like you have a bright little girl already testing you. My suggestion would be to find her "currency". If she is not bahaving take away a priviledge that is important to her. It could even be somthing simple, like instead of reading time today we are going to take a rest because your ears need it. When my children have refused to put away their toys, I have on occassion put them away somewhere else for a while - at least until their missed and they have to ask for them prior to them coming back out. It is a good opportunity for me to say that if you would have put it away, then you would know where to find it.

Good luck, I am sure that you know, it gets harder as they get older.

G. (Mom to four 13, 11, 6 & 2)

Sounds to me like she's testing her limits... Welcome to the 2s!! With our daughter, we were able to offer her choices, but each choice being what we wanted the end result to be. Example 'you can put your toys away by yourself or i can help you put them away...' often times they'll want you to help, which i think is fine to start with- especially since she'll get in the habit of responding. If we need to 'step it up' a bit- we use consequences- 'if you don't pick up your toys, i will pick them up and will put them away and you won't be able to play with them for 2 days (or whatever)... If you do this, make sure you follow through! Then remind her it was her choice not to pick them up and you told her what the consequence would be. Children are resilient and often know more than what we think!! They can be sweet little manipulating cuties, but believe me, they need boundaries and limits! Good luck!

My son is 19 months old and is also very bright and very high energy. Time outs dont work for him either he wont sit still for anything. I just try to give him choices and im very consistant so he knows im serious. It takes time but he will learn that when i say no i mean no. If he dumps his puzzles all over the floor and then walks away to play with something else i tell him we need to pick up the puzzles first. If he refuses then i tell him we either pick them up togeather or i take them away, and if he still refuses then i pick them up and put them up where he cant get them. He gets mad and throws a fit and i explain why he cant have them and when hes done with his fit we can play with somthing else. He is starting to understand he gets choices. all though no is still his favorite saying he is learning and does very well with helping pick up most of the time. I think the main thing is to be consistant with whatever you do and in time they will get it. My son is also a big hitter so when he does that i tell him no we dont hit it hurts people and i walk away from him. if im holding him and he hits me i instantly put him down and explain we cant do that and walk away. He cries for a while but then when hes done he gets up comes over to me and is fine. I give him no extra attention for things like that because i dont want hime to do it to get a reaction. I dont know if any of this helps but i wish you luck. Its tough when they cant communicate the way they want yet.

We are in the same boat. Our daughter is now 26 months, but has been rambunctious with others since around 18 mos. We just had a little boy 12/1/08 and that threw another wrench into the mix. What i have read is that they do it out of excitement and are not sure how to handle all their emotions. The way to deal with it, is to talk them through it. It can also be due to a bag of frustration and they do not know how to deal with their it. If you talk them through it and ask them what is frustrating you? Are you mad, sad, scared etc? Then once they help you understand what it is, you can talk them through feeling better about it. Basically the best thing you can do is establish great communication with your kids and keep talking them through situtations and it will get better the more they learn to communicate. Explain that their actions affect others and hurt them. Let them know they do not enjoy it. With consistency it does get better.

Some say not to use their crib as a discipline area but I never had a problem with my son when he was that age. I also have a 26 month old girl and have used the crib as a time out location on 2 occasions. She understands what she did wrong, knows mommy is not happy with it and I have a chance to cool off for 2 minutes without having to hold her on a location.

We practice a lot of Love and Logic in our house. You can look it up on the web. I haven't started too much of the consequences with her but will when she gets a little older. If an older child (I think I started around 3 or so) doesn't pick up toys when asked, then I pick them up and he doesn't see them for a day. This used to cause a tantrum, but didn't occur very often after he learns. With the younger children, make clean up fun. Sing songs, see how fast they can pick up while you count, have them race you or propose another activity once clean up has been completed (for example, I would be happy to take you outside after the floor is cleaned up). My 5 year old loves the the racing.

Best wishes

I haven't started using it yet as my son is a bit younger, but I have heard great things about "1, 2, 3 Magic." It has been recommended to me by several friends.

I have twins who just turned two. I would try continuing to hold her in time outs. Because she fights, clearly she understands it is not pleasant... and appears she is identifing it as something she doesn't want to do. I guess I would tell my child to pick up their toys, not ASK them. I would say, "Now we are going to pick up our toys." I admit I don't "ask" my kids to do things they are SUPPOSE to do. I don't ask them to come eat dinner. I say, "It's dinner time now. Come and sit and eat."

I will tell you my son gets time outs about every other night when I tell him to come eat dinnner, and he says, "no" and I can't get him in his booster. Sometimes the time out works and then he will come eat... sometimes not so much of a success!!!

Good luck!

My first thought is that you should ask your daughter to do something with you. "Let's (let us) pick up your toys". And make it fun to do it, not a chore. Or, "would you help me..." and then give lots of praise for helping. Children are no different than adults that you want to get to do something.

Hi E.,

First and formost, you're doing a great job and just know that although advise is good to listen to, God picked you to be your precious daughters Mom! Keep lifting your trials to him.

As for my advice --- Auuugggh! I've been blessed with five children so far and expect number 6 in about three weeks and your daughter sounds like a spitting image of my son, Kameron. I've never expieranced the "terrible two's" with any of my other children, but I think I'm getting a taste of it now! What I do when Kameron says "no" to picking up his toys, is I pick them up and they go into a garbage bag and get set aside for several weeks. If he says "no" to sitting at the table to eat, he doesn't eat, I take him to his room and say his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to stay in his room until he is ready to listen. When he comes back into the dinning room Patrick, my husband or I will ask if he's ready to listen, if he say's yes, we (all the kids included) cheer and say "yea!" and he generally will sit down, if he says "no" -- it's back to his room. As far at timeouts go, I love them, but we make our children do them on their knees facing a door with there elboes up on the door. We use to have them sit, and quite honestly, they didn't seem to mind it. When it comes to kneeling, it's uncomfortable enough that they want to avoid it. I also don't start until the crying stops.... Yes, that means for Kameron, often times he gets put back in postion 15 or 20 times before his 2min timeout, which lasts 12 minutes is done. On the upside, he's coming around! I can't wait to hear some other advice you receive!

I have a 20 month old, and am having many of the same issues as you are having. So I really feel for you!

I suggest a lot of humor. Do anything you can to invite cooperation from her. And, if you are "asking" her to put her toys away, and she says no, I feel like you need to respect her answer. So, if you really want her to do something, don't ask. Phrase it in a way like "There are toys all over the floor! We should pick them up together. How fast can we do it?"

She is starting to exert her independence, which is a GOOD thing, right? We all want to have independent, smart children who have the ability to stand up for themselves and say no.

I don't believe in punitive discipline, like time outs. I have tried sitting on the couch for a cuddle when my daughters go over board. I have tried leaving them alone to scream and get their anger out. Mostly I acknowledge how they are feeling "you are really angry that he took a toy from you", and try to give them the tools as to how to deal with that. Even if they hit, I try and talk like that too, with a firm "You may be angry but we do not hit". As you see, there are many "I try..." because each tactic doesn't always work in every situation!

So, all that stuff said, I have found "Positive Discipline" to be the most helpful book for me in teaching my kids at this particular age. It talks about using kind and firm words and actions. Also, "Playful Parenting" and "How to Talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk". All these books suggest many wonderful things that help you teach your child all the important things you want her to learn.

GOOD LUCK!!!! She sounds like a frisky little girl!

Personally, I think a 22-mo-old is not too young for a time out. That's about when we started them. You are not supposed to "force" your child to sit there. But when she gets up, just keep picking her up and putting her back down there as many times as it takes. Don't dismiss the time out - it works great for our son!! Good luck!

My daughter never stayed in time-outs. Than I went to a local seminar at Family Resource Center called Magic 1-2-3.
At first after I read about it I thought, "yah, right"
They taught the basics on time outs and it was so simple. The funny thing is it worked. I went a second class a second time to refresh my memory.
Time out is not suppose to be a punishment be instead it's a break from the bad behavior. I relized they were right. I talked and pleaded to much. You are suppose to calmly count 1-2-3. No exceptions, no pleading in between. than you are suppose to place her in the room, explain they are in a time-out for their behavior. You can leave the door open unless they test you and come out and than close the door without saying another word. I had asked what to do if they open the door and come out anyway. They said to either lock or hold it closed. I thought this was harsh but county social workers that were there said this practice is legal as long as You don't lock them in longer than 1 HR. (I think that pertained to the older ones)
Than I asked about the mess she may make. They said that long as she cant hurt herself, you can later say after the fact and when things calm down," Would you like mommy to help you clean up your room?"
It sounds to easy but it worked and my daughter now thinks about what she is doing when the count begins. 22 Months is not to young. Heck, my pedetrician told my that my 18mo old boy who is very smart for his own good understands more than I give him credit for and that starting to impliment this may be a good idea.
The key is not to raise your voice or talk to much. This fuels the fire and they know they are getting you going.
There is some info on Magic 1-2-3 if you google it.
Good luck from a mom of a almost 4 yr old and 18mo old that are very spirited.
L.

I have a son that is now 3 and went thru that stage when he didn't want to pick up his toys I would tell him I am taking them from him and not let him play with them until he learns to pick them up himself and could not play with one toy unless he picks up the other toys that were out. It took a while but it worked. And for him not listening he had to sit in his room with no toys or T.V. by himself. I did not give in to his crying and talked to him after he clamed down to what was his problem.

www.askdrsears.com

his discipline book is amazing!
however, discipline starts with mostly love and understanding. its likely that your daughter needs to be alone for a while. when my son starts this kind of behavior, i put him in his room and close the door. he is safe in there, and it gives him the break from everyone that he needs. and i dont care how many times you have to put your daughter back in time out, just keep doing it. she has to understand that you mean what you say. perhaps putting down a mat or something, she has to stay on that mat. whehter shes sitting or laying down, if shes on that mat, then shes in the time out spot. the minute she gets off of it, put her back on without saying a word. she will get the hint as long as you dont let her get away with it. set a timer, that way its the timer determining when she gets up, and not you, takes a bit of pressure off.
good luck

Hi E.,

Timeouts did not work with my son at all either - he was perfectly happy to sit by himself! What did help was putting a toy on timeout, especially when the issue was not wanting to pick up. Also, I don't think timeouts are a bad idea, but you might have to do the supernanny thing of calmly walking her back to the timeout as many times as it takes for her to stay there on her own, explaining again why she's on time out each time you walk her back, and then finishing up with an apology (on your daughter's part), a hug & an "I love you," from you.

Good luck!

My daughter was the same way (still kind of is at 3). I had to start taking away stuff as her consequence. I would warn and then you always have to follow-through. For example, if you don't pick up your toys, your consequence is that I will take away X toy for 2 days (or you won't be able to watch Dora today or whatever). You know what she really likes.

Hi E.!

Try to tell her the rules before playing, that she needs to participate to take the toys away, and that she can take out new toys once when she has helped. Reward her when she has participated, tell her that you will have more time for reading or playing with her. This is how i do with my kids. For instance, they can watch their film, first when they have taken away their toys from the living room. I reward them every time they have helped out and it has become a positive thing out of it.

Make sure to tell the rules of your family life, repeat them everyday, write them down and put them up on the fridge or somewhere else.
Try to ignore when she screams and kicks. let her cry it out, she will understand that she can't get attention when behaving like this, turn away from it. When she has calmed down, she will be more ready for communication. And stay calm.

I advice you to get a very usefull book, "Discipline without shouting or spanking" by Barbara Unell and Jerry Wyckoff. It has helped us alot.

Good luck!

K.

Here are a couple of things to try:
My doctor told me about modified time-outs. You don't actually put your child in a time-out chair or area. You simply redirect the behavior in a neutral tone. (Ex. if she hits, say "Do not hit mommy." Don't try to go into a lot of detail explaining. Just short and sweet. Keep your voice neutral like you mean business, not in a sing-song voice. Then turn your attention away from her for a minute or two. The point here is kids at this age are looking for attention-positive or negative. So you gain control by not giving it to her.

For the issue of asking her to do something and she flat out refuses, I recommend Jim Fay's book Parenting with Love and Logic. It is the best! It gives some great advice about how to avoid power struggles by giving choices. Instead of asking for your daughter to pick up her toys and giving her the chance to refuse, try giving her choices that are ok with you whichever one she chooses. (Ex. Would you like to pick up the toys on the floor first or the ones on the sofa?) This way it gets her away from thinking about not picking them up at all and giving her some control over her own decision-making. It is a win/win for you because what you wanted her to do in the first place was pick up the toys. It doesn't matter where she decides to start! There are a lot of good examples like this in his book and how to handle situations using natural consequences.

Good luck!
A.

E., I have a feeling your daughter may be sensing that the new baby will be here soon. My kids are 25 months apart too, and just before my youngest was born my son started acting up a bit more than usual. Of course it's a natural time for testing limits, but I think introducing a new sibling can add to it.
Definitely heap on the praise when she does something right, most kids respond well to that. I wouldn't hold her down during the kicking and screaming part of the tantrum, you're just giving her bad behavior extra attention. I usually put my son on a time out in his room if he won't sit still, I think it helps him to calm down faster too when he has some alone time instead of an audience.
Just be consistent and know when not to make a huge deal out of something. My kids are now 3 and 14 months and I think my oldest has gotten a lot better lately. Age 2 is just a very challenging year.
Good luck with your daughter and the new baby!

Hi, E. H.
I have been a daycare provider for 30yrs. All I can tell you is that your daughter is seeking attention and shows it by being defiant. I've taken alot of classes on childcare over the years, and most of them say that children this age are just trying to be more independant and need more positive attention. Try not to over-react when she's being naughty. (I know that doesn't always work in public), but try to divert her attention to something esle without saying to much about the negative behavior. They will usually stop the bad behavior if you give them something esle to think about. A toy, a book, ask them some question. Just try to engage them in something totally different. Then ask nicely if they will help you pick up the toys. Usually if they get started with your help, they will continue to help. Praise them when they do, but be careful not to overdo the praising as that can backfire too. I don't know if this will help, but in my daycare it seems to. The key is not to over-react as they will continue to do even more things if they know that will give them your attention. Try to get her involved in helping even a little bit with easy tasks. This will make her feel more important. Good Luck!, Nancy C.

Is your crib still set up? When our son (2 & 1/2) refuses to sit in his timeout chair then he goes in his crib. Yes there is screaming and crying, but he is still in timeout and yet safe.

Also, when it is all over we make sure to sit him down, make him look us in the eye, and then we "talk" about what he did wrong.

Another big help, for us, was asking our son to "follow directions" when we wanted him to do something like picking up -- vs. saying that he "isn't listening". He is too smart for his own good and just kept telling us he was listening.

I would try a sticker chart. Everytime she does something good like put her toys away, play nice, etc. she gets a sticker. Once the chart is filled, maybe reward her with a favorite snack.